I have been dating my bf for just over a year. We were both married before, my ex has moved on however his ex, not so lucky. Last year when we started talking and dating, his ex seemed surprised that they weren't getting back together, they had been separated for over a year at that time. They have a 3 y/o son together whom she's uses as leveridge. Sooo, his cousin is home for a week or so. Last year we were only dating a month when she came home, so never asked to meet me but had lunch with my bf. He told her he was happy now and she didn't ask anything about me, you see she still talks with the ex wife on a reg basis. The cousin is home again, she hasn't asked once how things are going or if she can meet me. That's fine. 4 nights ago, bf's mom comes over (the live next door, we live in bf's inherited house so he won't move) and says how on Friday (yesterday) there was goin to be a girls day. She, the cousin, the ex wife, little boy and cousin's son's gf. I wasn't invited but felt like it was rubbed in my face. Now bf's mom and I have never had lunch, she's never invited me over for lunch nor has accepted any of my invitations. So here is the kicker. I'm at work, bf comes into work tonight and I go home. There is going to be a family get-together tonight behind our houses and if it gets too cool, the party will be moved into our garage which is set up for outside entertaining. So bf's father asked bf today if the music and partying in my back yard would bother me so I couldn't sleep. Not once did he say, 'is Robin going to come out with us tonight? If not I hope she can sleep.' Nothing. I feel like crap. How should I handle this????
I can only give my personal experience. I am married to a man with an ex-wife and 4 children. I have been made to feel left out many, many times. It is hurtful. I get along well with MIL when she isn't around his ex-wife , but it's a completely different story with the ex around. I am always put in my place as the step-parent. We have been married now for 8 yrs. and you would think that this would stop. But, it never does. Thankfully now we live in Oklahoma and she lives in Las Vegas, so dealings with her are fewer and farther between now. I am sorry you are being left out and I know how hurtful it is.
Recently my 21 yr. old step-daughter got married. My DH walked her down the aisle. I was told by MIL to sit on the 2nd row and leave a space for my DH to sit after he walked her down. I was so embarassed because all the other women (mother and grand-mother's) were walked down the aisle besides me and then they had to scoot past me to get onto the pew. I felt like getting up and moving. (My DH told me the night before that I would be escorted to my seat and where I would be sitting). The Mother of the Bride gave the ushers different instructions on what to do with me after we were all already lined up and ready to be ushered. She is such a B----. I stuck out like a sore thumb and should have had a big sign on my dress that read "I'm only a step-parent". If I hadn't rode to the wedding with my MIL, I would have hopped in my car with my DD (who, BTW was told to sit in a completely different section of the church ) and drove myself home and skipped the whole reception. Afterwards, My DH knew I was upset and when he asked me why I told him. He was the last to come down the aisle and had no idea that the plans were changed at the last minute and what had happened.
At the reception , the photographer took many pic's of me and DH with all 4 of the girls. I could feel the knives in my back from the ex-wife.
Sorry to ramble, just wanted you to see that you aren't the only one being treated like crap from and ex and the family. Good luck to you and your BF. Build a thick skin if you can and ignore them. I won't give his ex any satisfaction in seeing me looking upset over her shenanigans.
I agree.Your boyfriend needs to set things straight with his parents.Make it clear that if they want him in their lives it also includes you.Has he gone to any of these family things and left you home alone?You want a man who will stand up for you always.
medic4life
Sounds to me like a no-win situation in a way. The ex wife, she should be included, but yet understand that the relationship that was between her husband and herself is over, and that of course he's going to move on. Too bad she can't be the bigger person and include you.
I hope that in time things will change. I bet your BF is somewhat not even noticing what's going on. Sometimes.. men being men (no offence to men, I do love them) they don't 'notice' a problem unless someone actually says "hey, I have a problem". They sometimes are just really matter-of-fact that way. Try talking to him and see what happens with that.
In my eyes an ex is exactly that - an ex. I'm glad I don't have this issues - my husband and his ex-wife aren't even on speaking terms (yay for me! hehe )
I would be desperately hurt if my MIL had get togethers and did not include me but included the ex instead.
However, I do think that if the ex has a decent relationship established with his family, there is no reason that she cannot or should not carry on with that relationship, assuming that his family is ok with it. She divorced him, not his family (there are issues with this with my uncle, his ex, his wife, and my grandparents...so I've heard more than I care to). However, at the same time, she isn't a member of the family and I would definitely feel weird if the ex were at actually family get togethers (not just a general, casual get together if that makes sense).
Would his family be more accepting of your relationship if you were engaged or married? I would try to look at the reasons his family may not be warming up to you and think of what you two could do together to help the situation. At any rate, just be you and be good to your bf and his family - don't give them a reason not to like you. I think eventually they will get the hint. I also think that the bf is just being a guy and either doesn't fully realize the problem, doesn't want his child in the middle (which it sounds as though that would happen), or doesn't know what to do.
Have a good discussion about it... don't argue though...just discuss.
Sounds to me like you have been there way too long already! It sounds like the family wants the ex around (they may not have issues with her as a person). Since you are just his girlfriend and it is his house, you really have no power.....if you stay it is doubtful things will change much. Good luck!
I don't think the ex should still be as big a part of this family as she is!! The child yes but not the ex! You can have one without the other. My ex sees our kids whenever he likes and so does his family but I am never there with them or do I choose to be. I got lucky, my DH family treat me great and have nothing at all to do with his ex! They see his son when we have him.
I suggest that you calmly talk to you BF about how all this is making you feel and decide from there if it something he is willing to take care of.
Good Luck and I know it all a big pain in the arssss.
Thank you sli, I agree with you. I don't think the ex should be involved in the family like she is. She calls bf's mom couple times a week to catch up. They chat like girlfriends and I don't think mother realizes that b/c she's still chatty with the ex it's preventing her from getting to know me. I don't try to chat much with bf's mom b/c she tells me about Jenny, the ex. I don't care what she's doing. My love my bf's son to death and he adores me, when we have him he cries when I leave for work. Calls me when I work night shift to say good night and I love you. He's a doll, a real good little boy. Bf's mom hates how the little guy loves me. I would think she would be happy with any person bringing happiness to his life.
As for talking with bf, we've been talking about this off and on for a year. I feel like I need to give him a deadline to discuss this with his mother. His Dad is different, he loves chatting with me. He comes over all the time and chats and includes me. But his mom is so clearly against me that any happiness I have about his Dad liking me is overshadowed by his mom. My bf told me last night that when the cousin leaves he's talking to his parents. He said he saw things all along but thought they would get better without saying anything. However he said he knows he has to talk to them. The ex is not a nice person, she's not well favored, she known as the 'dragon', not my word but that's how people discribe her. I believe she controlled the parents and my bf before when she was here and she is still doing it even though she lives 30 min away. She allows her son to stay at bf's parents if and only if things are her way. It was only 6 months ago that bf's son was allowed to sleep in our house if I was there for the night. I could be there all day but not at night, even with bf home too. She's psycho. I agree that I need to decide if this is staying for and if I do then I have to get thicker skin.
The big question for me is.....Why couldn't my bf stand up for me without me asking? I would never let my family treat him like that. He has promised not to force me to go over there to visit any more, even if it's for 10 min. That's all fine but will that take a toll on him and make him question our relationship b/c his mother and gf are compatible. I think if ex was out of pic, then we'd be ok.
Thanks for all the ans. It helps to know that it's tough but it's still doable. I love and adore this man and I want to be with him. I want to fight to keep us together.
Robin
If you are good enough for their son, you, for darn sure are good enough for them.You need to have a heart to heart talk with bf.I would find that difficult to do, but he needs to be clear about this,they don't have to like you but thay can respect you and the relationship that you have with their son,Is it possible that his mother is so stupid that she does not know that she can be friends with you AND the ex?
Problems with bf's family
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