Hi. I'm new here and I need support...I started dieting awhile ago and I had lost almost 100 pounds by mostly starving and taking in 800 calories. Because of deprivation, when I finally cheated, it turned into binging and I've gained back almost 60-70 pounds from it. So now I've only lost 30 pounds.

I binge a lot...and I want to change...and eat normally...but I still have the mindset of both eating disorders (binging and starving)...so when I try a diet I always stick to 1,200 calories and an hour of walking. If I don't do these things exactly perfect I feel guilty and helpless and I binge...I know if just ate regularly I could get back my self control...the thing is...I have to get control of this really soon...I'm meeting someone special in the summer, and I don't want to be this weight...I want to at least be 140 when that time comes. I know I can do it if I start now...

My question is...what number of calories should I start with and how much exercise? I know I can do whatever you recommend...I'm think a good number is 1,500. I'm afraid I'll binge if I do 1,200. I know I have lousy self esteem and that doesn't help me...I know I binge from an underlying problem...I just want to stop obsessing over food and eat normally...hopefully for the rest of my life and not when I've lost all the weight.

Thanks.

WELCOME!!

Rather than beating yourself up over gaining back the weight, look at it this way: you've learned a lot about what DOESN'T work for you! And you seem quite mindful of many of your issues, which I think can be very helpful for weight loss.

Given your previous history, why not find out if more calories are possible? You did mention getting in exercise, which is very important, and if you are doing it regularly, at your current weight, you may be able to lose on MORE than 1500 calories -- maybe 1800? Seriously, at your current weight, that might really work. You may lose more slowly, but you might give yourself a chance to learn some of these new habits. (Just for background, when I was 280 I started calorie counting and lost 1-2 pounds/week eating 2000 cals/day. Now around 200, I am losing about 1 pound/week on 1800 cals. I do regularly exercise). Of course every body is different and you may need to tweak numbers so they work for you, but I would think getting a handle on the binge issues might be helped by less restriction.

Why not pop over to the calorie counters forum below and poke around. We answer this question a lot, and give lots of advice about these issues.

Here's the calorie counters link: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=172

As for exercise, I'd advise start slow and build up. Of course see your doctor to be sure it's safe! I have really gotten a LOT out of weight lifting and building muscle has numerous benefits: muscle burns more calories than fat, and I have more strength AND energy!

Finally, while having goals is great, sometimes setting a time goal for weight loss is counter productive. What if you don't meet the goal, will you beat yourself up about it? Why not focus on the behaviors of eating and exercise, and when that goal comes around you'll be feeling great about yourself, whether you're at the weight you want or not.

Also, I believe scales are and play with our minds. We can do everything right and they don't budge or go up. This is because weight loss is not linear, and most of us lose in fits and starts. So weeks of the same weight or gains are common and can really affect our mood! Another reason not to focus on the scale.

The other reason timed goals are dangerous is that you don't look on this as a lifestyle change, and many people who do meet those big goals then revert back to previous behaviors and gain the weight back!!!!!

So, my last piece of advice in this thesis is to not worry so much about the scale (and I need to take my own advice!) and pay attention to the things you CAN control.

I get the feeling you have other issues besides keeping a strict calorie count. Really, why do you binge? Why did you ever start to binge to begin with? To get to the root of that problem, I really suggest getting a good counselor and figuring out what the binges have been tied to in your life and what they mean for you.

I know I must not restrict myself and go easy on myself to lose the weight...and ease down onto the harder stuff...And not binge if I mess up...my messups are always small and then I feel exremely guilty and hopeless.

The first time I binged was because of food deprivation...but the break of willpower was due to the fact that I had a boyfriend and I felt I was, and could never be, good enough for him.

I have a better boyfriend now...one I actually tell these things to...and he tries to help me (isn't that the best way to know they love you when they stick with you and try to help you even though you're much bigger than the other girls?)...but even though I know he loves me, I still feel he deserves better and that I will never be good enough. I suppose I am in a bout of depression...for yesterday I had cut myself a bit with the one thought of, "Those girls are better than me and they always will be."

Because I've been made fun of my entire life...and it felt wonderful to be at my lowest of 160...and I felt really good...but at the same time I kept on and on with guilt because I said, "You still aren't good enough."

That could be the underlying problem...hence my binges...

I was thinking of just going easy into it...since school starts in a week for me...getting to the point of a routine...I can ease down onto 1,500 calories...and if I feel hungry even with that...eat a snack. And exercise a bit...even if it's just a mile of walking. To get into a routine...so I can feel in control again...and maybe feel I'm good enough. For me, food has always been an issue, whether it be restricting, comfort, overeating, or binging...I want to just eat normally and change for good...to make it my lifestyle.

It's so hard...

Feeling "good enough" does NOT come from eating a certain way without fail, or losing "enough" weight.
You really need to see a counselor and talk about your self-esteem and self-image issues.
I'm not just throwing that out in the air, I know what I'm talking about. I see a counselor every week to deal with my weight loss issues. We talk about why I binged, why I self-destructed, why I have had such low self-esteem, how weight will and won't matter, other people's attitudes (which won't change just because I lose weight), recreating my identity, understanding binge triggers, my childhood experiences with food being tied to affection, etc.
I still believe that if NO ONE would have ever made fun of me, if I never would have had to endure the cruelty of my peers, I would never have gotten this large. I look back at pictures from high school, and yeah, I was a size 18, but I didn't look fat! Why did I ever listen to them??? What other people say about you really doesn't matter. You cannot get your self-esteem up because of what other people say. Even if you lose the weight, if you do not work on your self-image and self-esteem, people will treat you poorly because you treat yourself poorly by being so down about yourself and thinking that you aren't "good enough."
I'm very serious when I say that you need a professional to help you resolve those issues. It is possible to find a counselor that is relatively inexpensive as well. Mine is just a counselor with a Master's degree (she isn't a psychologist) and works on a sliding scale based on income, so I pay $35 per session, no matter how long it is. A small price to pay to go through this weight loss process, this lifestyle change the RIGHT way and get everything underlying the problem finally resolved.

Hi,

You've gotten some excellent advice!

I just wanted to let you know, you are NOT alone in your struggles!
There is an area here that is called "chicks in control" which deals with issues of bingeing, and eating disorders. http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=64

There are lots of wonderful, supportive people who post there who can relate to your struggles.

Good luck and best wishes!
Liz

Hi Adalia_Nm!

I just wanted to say "Welcome", and congratulate you on making the decision to do something healthy for yourself.

BTW, I love your name. Adalia--"Lia"--is the name of the main character in a novel I'm writing!

Hi and welcome. Congratulations on a new healthy lifestyle. Good luck with your weight loss journey. I think with your starting weight that you could lose really well at 1600-1800 calories a day and not feel restricted. I have had the same problem before with binging if I tried to cut too many calories and I would eventually just give up.

There is a great book called "Thin for life." It is several hundred pages of people giving their personal answers to the question, "How do you keep it off after you lose it?" No magic pills and no easy answers -- but it still helps to read through it and know there are people out their who have done it.

There are also a couple of great forums in here on maintaining that would be worth taking a look at.

Well...I talked to my boyfriend yesterday about all of this and we agreed on 1,500 calories. I'm planning on doing that challenge to see who can lose the most weight for the month of August (make sure you weigh today if you want to do it!), so that will give me motivation.

And about counseling, I've agreed to talk to my boyfriend any time I feel like I'm going to binge so we can talk about why and try to help me change.

For exercise, I have a treadmill, so it won't be too hard to walk and hour everyday. I used to walk two hours everyday...and one hour of walking doesn't seem very bad for me because I'm used to it.

Thanks for the help...I'm starting today!

Adalia -

Did I understand you right (above) - are you cutting yourself? Or did you mean cutting yourself some slack? If you are cutting yourself, please seek out a therapist NOW. And even if you're not, I agree w/ Amanda that professional counseling would be helpful, if not essential. Please strongly consider this, as talking to family members and loved ones is not an adequate substitute for working with someone trained in this area.

to you.

I'm going to be very blunt about this because I care when I see in someone else the same things I have gone through.

I'm only going to repeat this one more time.
You NEED a PROFESSIONAL counselor.
Your boyfriend is not a professional counselor, and even if he were, he could not be YOUR counselor (ethical issues). You and your bf are not equipped with the knowledge of HOW to deal with self-esteem and self-image issues.

I can see from your posts that you have serious issues of dependency on your boyfriend, whoever that may be at the time. You must work on finding your own identity outside of a relationship. It took me 5 years to realize that I am NOT my marriage...it does NOT define me, it is simply one of the many things that are part of my life. Its the same idea... I don't know how old you are, but you don't "need" a boyfriend, but if you insist on a relationship, at least you appear to have someone who is supportive... I hope. But it shouldn't define you... You seriously need to figure out who you are inside yourself without the interference of these external ideas/attitudes. It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks - you need to do whatever you want with any aspect of your life without a second thought to the judgment of others. They do not define who you are either, but you are allowing them to. This is much bigger than just why you binge. This is about finding yourself, your assertiveness, your self-confidence, and being you without care or fear of judgment. And I can say firsthand that this does completely, 100% go hand-in-hand with your weight loss/lifestyle change efforts.

YOUR weight loss should be supported by your significant other, but it should NEVER be his "decision". You make the decisions about your lifestyle, no one else. If your boyfriend is making or attempting to make your lifestyle decisions for you, then you need to leave. His only job in this is to be supportive of what you decide.

I suggest that you start journaling everything that causes emotional turmoil for you (if you don't already). Instead of bingeing, allow yourself to feel the feelings and learn to recognize why you want to binge. Cry, it is good...it gets rid of all the stuffed down emotions, it erases the burden of all the bad thoughts, emotions, other people's problems, etc.

You have received some excellent advice here. Please please listen.