Hi all - I'm looking for a little advice form people who have been in either my situation or my friend's situation. My friend's little sister was killed in a pretty awful car accident 2 weeks ago. I know that grieving is a process and it's going to take a long time for my friend to work through this, but is there anyhting I can do to help her? I talk to her every other day, and I've tried to make sure she knows that I'm there if there's anything she needs, but I wish I could do more. Right now I guess the best I can do is be there to listen to her. I promised her that if it felt like she wasn't getting better and was depressed than I'd do what I could to help her out of it. The problem is I don't know what to look for - I've never lost anyone, so I don't know what a 'normal' lenght of time to grieve for someone is, or what can make it easier. I guess i'm just looking for something more that I can do for her. I fanyone can share an experience of something that helped them, or how they were able to help someone else, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks everyone.
Everyone grieves in their own way, so I'm sure you'll get lots of conflicting advice. My mother died during my first year of college and what helped me the most was just getting back to my regular life--in particular, having things to do and activities planned that kept me from just sitting around thinking about how I felt. I remember that a group of friends took my sister and I to lunch after the funeral and it was exactly what we needed at that point. We didn't talk about my mom or what my sister and I were feeling, we just had a normal lunch together that we would have had on any other day. It was such a relief just to not be alone and to have something to do.
So I would suggest maybe making an extra effort to include her in your plans and do things with her. You don't need to do something with her every day, but try to get her out of the house once in a while. Don't assume that because she is grieving that she doesn't want to do things or that every conversation needs to be about her sister. Sometimes it's a relief not to think about it.
I'm not sure you ever get past the death of someone close to you. My mom's death was almost twenty years ago and I'm still grieving. But my family was back to our "normal" routine (work, school, going out, etc.) within a month after she died, probably sooner (I know I was back at school within two weeks because I had finals then). If your friend is getting back into her normal routine, then I don't think there's much else you can or need to do.
Sierra, what a wonderful friend you are. I think you're doing all the right things. Some people don't know what to do, so they keep their distance and do nothing. That's so devastating to the one who's grieving.
And the fact that you're taking the time to ask for advice shows what a great friend you are.
Barbara's so right... everyone grieves differently, and it's sometimes tricky trying to help out.
Sometimes people are embarrassed to ask for help. We lost a friend to cancer this year, and so many people have offered to help his wife out (they have two little boys). I've heard her complain that no one actually does anything, but I think she's just too sad/tired to be specific about her needs.
Sometimes it helps just to take charge a little. You could call her and say something like, "Is this a good time? I'm coming over to clean your kitchen/make you dinner/take you out for a coffee/etc."
And as for how long the grieving process goes on? Forever for many of us. The pain lessens over time, but the person we've lost will always be a part of us, and we don't want them forgotten.
I lost my Dad almost two years ago, and mostly what I hear from people is, "How's your mom doing? Is she managing?" Very kind of them, but I wish they'd ask how I'm managing once in awhile.
When my Dad was dying (what a terrible thing to have to write...) in the hospice, a group of our friends got together and made meals and dropped them off. It was such a blessing coming home from the hospital at the end of the day and finding dinner waiting. And one friend dropped off a bag of nice bath products.
I lost my first love to suicide about 20 years ago, and every now and then my sister will say, "Remember when..." and we'll talk about him and have some laughs about the good times. I love that. I love that she's thoughtful enough to know that I'm still missing him, and that the talking is very healing for me.
I think just acknowledging that the person is still grieving; regardless of how long it's been, is very important.
You're doing all the right things, hon. I'm glad there are good friends like you out there.
I totally agree with ellis and barbara.
My older brother was killed by a drunk driver 17.5 years ago. I was 15 at the time and I am so thankful that I had so many wonderful people around me. I remember one friend would simple take charge and come over and take me shopping or to lunch. It was the little things that helped me get back to my normal life again. As far as the grieving time. I still grieve. There aren't too many days that go by that I don't think about him. I spend most of the time now telling stories to my daughter about how wonderful he was. It makes me happy inside.
Let me just say, you are such a wonderful friend and I'm sure any effort you put fourth to help will be appreciated by your friend.
Just be open and honest with her and continue to let her know that you are there for her.
Good Luck to you both during this very difficult time.
Ditto what the others said. All you can do is be there for her. I lost DH#1 and people always said if there is anything I can do don't hesitate to ask. Well, no one wants to burden others so I never asked and life went on, for them, not me. It would have been nice if people would just let me talk and listen. A month after he died, people expected me to be back to normal, yeah, right. What kept me going was my kids.
But just be there for her and if she wants to talk listen and let her. Also, if you want to know exactly what a person goes through (there are stages of grief) you might want to check out some books on losing a loved one, etc. They really helped me at times when I thought I was losing my mind and the books helped me tremendously. They were books from real people who had losed a spouse. I know this isn't the case but they have all kinds of books. No one can really know what a person is going through unless they have gone through it themselves.
You never get over the loss of a loved one...you just learn how to deal with. for some it takes longer than others and yes, everyone grieves differently.
One thing to point out - there is no "normal" length of time to grieve. People try to lump those who are grieving into some kind of standard... it is completely individual. Certainly somedays will be better than others and she needs you to be there for her.
However, that being said... if years pass and she hasn't been able to move on and her sister's death plagues everything she does, then it would likely be considered pathological grieving.
You have been given good advice, just be there for her...and when she talks about her sister, be a good listener.
Thanks so much for the advice, guys. Cristina, I've checked a couple of books out of the library on stages of grief, so that I can understand a little better what she's going through - which isn't to say that I would ever presume to understand how she's feeling, because I really believe there's no way you can unless you go through the same thing. Buckettgirl - I figured that 'normal' probably wasn't the best word when asking about grieving time - I guess I just want to know when, if it goes on for a certain amount of time, she needs people to step in and help her out of her grief. Hopefully i'll be able to gauge it base don how she's acting. Unfortunately, she's gone home to be with her family, which is about 4 hours away. I talk to her regularly, and will be going to visit her this weekend, though.
Anyway, thanks for the replies, and I'll just keep being there for her, I guess. I appreciate all the advice.
I wish I had you areound when I lost my grandmother. I think everyone kinda assumed because she was old it wouldn't hurt me that much, but I still grieve for my grandmother nearly every day, and I lost her 15 years ago.
The only thing I would add here is try to take your lead from your friend. Encourage her to talk about her sister if she wants to. Often after the funeral has passed and everyone has gotten on with their lives again, that's when you want to relive memories and talk about the good things and the bad things even more.
Perhaps as time passes she might like to do somethig for her sister, like a charity challenge, or plant a tree, or write a memoir about her, and that's when you could really help her to do something practical.
I think of grieving a bit like an illness - you have the acute stage, when it's bleeding, hurting all the time, and really obvious. Then you have the chronic aftermath, when the symtpoms aren't as evident, you have flare ups from time to time, and it's unpredictable. In the acute stage it isn't hard to get help because the pain is obvious. In the chronic stages it becomes tiring, tedious and difficult to deal with because people aren't as aware of your grief, and the emotions are not as clear cut as the acute stage.
In my opinion, once the grieving becomes chronic, that's where supportive loving friends are at their most invaluable and important.
Thanks, kykaree - I'll definitely keep that in mind and make sure that I continue to let her know I'm there for her even when it seems like the pain may have passed - appreciate the advice.
There really is no normal length to grieve, but after 2 months of grieving, there is a danger of her doing more than just grieving and becoming clinically depressed. The best thing you can do is to continue what you are doing and be there for her and be more aware of her behavior and moods after 2 months have passed.
Remember that they won't always know what they need or even think to ask. The best thing is when someone just does something for you without asking you.
I lost my husband 7 years ago I have this awesome brochure that really helped me deal with the loss. if anyone wants just Pm me your address and I'll send it to you.
My son died 10 years ago today....he was 2...not a day goes by that I don't think of him....what worked and continues to work for me is the opportunity to talk about him and cry for him without weirding everyone out! I love so much the fact that people are willing to remember him and keep him alive in memories.....stories etc.
I long for him, I wonder what he would be doing.....what kind of 12 year old he would be........the raw pain is gone but my heart ache persists and I imagine it will until the day I die.
I guess I appreciate the opportunity to talk about my son........and people saying "I am sorry you are hurting so bad"....I just had a house full of people over and am blessed to be supported by family and friends who love me and keep my son's memory alive.....
You sound like a wonderful friend......frequent contact is something I needed and longed for as it fell away at the beginning.....the reality is that people often can't cope with the burden of anothers pain....I tried to keep that in mind in the lonely times.
Advice for Helping Grieving Friend
I think you're doing all the right things. Some people don't know what to do, so they keep their distance and do nothing. That's so devastating to the one who's grieving. 
