So today I recieved an email about a "welcome home" party for a former roommate. She is returning from England...
For starters this girl, lets call her "Mel", really is not the nicest person in the world. When we were living together (along with 4 other girls) she talked about everyone behind their backs. She AlWAYS let us know when she was having a bad day (often)~stomping around etc..she treated all her boyfriend friends like crap (who were also my SO friends)...she treated my SO like crap...and went as far as to say "he is such a loser with no personality, I am gald she dumped him" the same day we broke up (we got back together 2 weeks later and we are still dating!!)...basically not very nice!!!
during the summers, I never heard from her...the ONE time I did, it was like pulling teeth talking to her...
THEN...yes it gets even BETTER...when I came down with leukemia there was no visit, no phone call...oh but she sent cards and pictures...(she was not in england at this point) AND 2 people offered her a ride to come see me...but she didn't. I later confronted her about it and she told me "because my friend died of leukemia, I didn't want to jinx you" (like, she's G_D, you know) "but just cuz I didn't visit or call doesn't deminishe the amount I thought and prayed about you and care for you"...
Ok so maybe she really was paralized with fear....
so I really have NO desire to see her. By the way since she scrapped me out during my "confrontation" she has yet to contact me even though we said "lets start over...that was back in Jan..I have written emails to her but nothing in return...
so do I go or not? Do i forgive and let bigons be bigons...I am finding it hard to do that...
I really don't consider her a friend after everything abd to me, it pretty obvious she done't consider me a friend either...altough she says other wise...to me actions speak louder than words!
I sure wouldn't go! Unless I really thought she was worth the effort of still trying to be friends. But after hearing all that, I wouldn't even think twice about not going - and I wouldn't feel bad about it either!
Fitgal, you're pretty darned sweet to even consider going.
It would be very nice if we could all "forgive and forget and move on", but we're only human. Some people are just toxic, and should be avoided at all costs.
In a nutshell, my advice to you is DON'T GO!!! And move on from the relationship. You don't need that kind of stuff in your life. You know how short life can be.
Big hugs...
Give her a taste of her own medicine, don't go. The relationship sounds pretty one-sided. She sound like a self-centered person- you know...be there for me, listen to me, it's all about me, etc....but when you needed her, was she reaching out to you, was she there for you? Let her go and find friends that treat you well. My .02
Personally I would not go. Why go to an event just because you feel obligated to? I used to do this all the time and kick myself afterwards. It took me a long time to learn to say no to people.
I understand that some people are uncomfortable around sick people or hospitals but she could have at least called you or sent you cards to let you know that she was thinking about you. She wasn't there as a friend at a time when you needed all the support you can get. She also wasn't much of a friend to you and your roommates.
My philosophy is to let go of toxic friendships. I have forgiven people in the past but moved on and not tried to salvage the relationship. I don't ill wish them I just don't want to be around them.
You have made attempts but she hasn't reciprocated so maybe it is time to let go. If you don't want to go to the party then don't go and don't feel guilty about it. If anyone questions you about it just tell them you already have plans for that day and you don't need to go into a big explanation about it - its your business and nobody else's. Plus you don't need the headache of other people getting involved and putting their two cents in or taking sides.
If you feel you have to say something just say that you feel that you haven't really been friends for some time and you're not interested in going to the party. The less you say to other people about it then the less chance there is of it turning ugly.
In terms of your own relationship with Mel, I completely agree with the others. You don't need someone like that in your life. The only thing that would make me consider going would be if you thought it would impact on your relationships with mutual friends if you are seen to be rejecting her. I don't think it is very likely that this would happen, particularly if you can say you have other plans, but it is something I would think about.
I think the first thing I did to start losing weight was to remove all toxic energy suckers from my life. If I had a Mel in my life, she would be a toxic energy sucker. There are so many cool, wonderful people on this planet, life is way too short to invest energy and time into those who aren't cool and wonderful. Forgiving is noble, but forgiveness doesn't mean you have to go right back into the same roles with her ... especially if she's not completely committed to admitting her crappy behaviors and changing them.
You've answered your own question - don't go. Life is TOO SHORT to make accommodations for people who are ignorant to you and have stressed you out. It seems that she doesn't really want to be anything to you and her interactions with you have made you feel like crap. So, take that time and go for a massage. You'll feel great and have spent that time for YOU!
I certainly wouldn't any party unless I really wanted to. But, I wouldn't miss a good time with my other friends just because the party was in honor of someone I wasn't particularly close with any more either. If there will be other people there that you would like to touch base with or whose company you would enjoy I would consider going - even if it isn't to welcome "Mel" home. If you already see the other people who will be there on a regular basis and don't feel like you'll be missing anything by all means stay home. In other words, don't cut your nose off just to spite your face but don't bother going if the only reason you'd be there is out of a feeling of obligation to someone else (especially someone whose company you don't enjoy much).
I agree with everyone else... don't go. You aren't obligated to, and if you don't show, then maybe you'll be rid of her finally.
I had a similar situation... a "friend" of mine from high school, who basically wrecked her life (had baby and gave it up for adoption, been in college for the past 10 years and has no degree, has MAJOR debt, jumps from guy to guy, etc), thinks that I should now attend her wedding.
When I first told her I was engaged, she said that my fiance sounded like a loser (she hadn't even met him nor knew anything about him) and that I shouldn't get married. We invited her to our wedding, and she didn't show, send a card, or even call to say congratulations. She has hung out with us since we've been married and refuses to recognize that we are married, still talks bad about my husband, and has HIT ON HIM on more than one occassion. She expresses jealously that I am married before her since I'm younger and supposedly less attractive; that I am going to finish college in 1 year; and that I have a decent relationship with my parents. She is obnoxious, generally hates people because she thinks EVERYONE gets a handout from mommy and daddy.
She is toxic.
We're not going to her wedding. I didn't even send our address so she could mail an invitation. I told my husband that I show her the same amount of respect that she has shown me...
People like this don't deserve to have others waste their time on them.
Well I have a bit of a different perspective although same conclusion... I would not go. But it is because this party is supposed to be about HER and to honor HER. If you can't or don't wish to do that, then you should not go to the party as it would not be fair to HER for you to go when you feel as you do.
so do I go or not? Do i forgive and let bigons be bigons...I am finding it hard to do that...
I really don't consider her a friend , to me actions speak louder than words!
FITGAL~ Reading (and editing ) between the lines, it seems to me that since you are not even ready to forgive and forget, it may be better to walk away from this relationship. You put the ball in her court with your e-mails and received no response ~ I am assuming that she was NOT the one that invited you to the party. I have a lot of guys that are "work" friends but I sure wouldn't call them friends in the true since of the word. we tolorate each other to get our jobs done and to make the days as pleasant as possible...most of the time
should I go or Not?
