I just don't know what to do anymore. I rarely get compliments from my DH since I've lost weight. I thought he would be more attracted to me now that I lost the weight and would be all over me. Not the case. I get TONS of attention from other men now, but not from the man that I want it from.
He asks me strange questions sometimes like, "Do you have second thoughts about marrying me?", "Are you sure you want to be with me now that you could have any guy you want?", etc. etc. I always tell him that I love him and there is no one else that I want to be with. That my looks may have changed, but that didn't change the way that I feel about him. That he's the best husband in the world. I've also told him many times that him saying these things to me really hurts me.
Our sex life is suffering a bit too because he says he feels sometimes like he can't please me or can't keep up with me. That he doubts himself.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he was more attracted to me when I was heavy and unhappy.
Not too long ago, he was complaining that I take SOOOO long to get ready now and why can't I just look AVERAGE once in a while. I told him that I spent so many years looking just average. I don't want to look just average anymore. Sometimes I have to discuss with him the fact that I want to be complimented by him. His response to me is, "Is your self-esteem really that low that you need to be validated all the time?" That hurts. My self esteem is higher now than it's EVER been.
I don't know how to handle all of it. We haven't even been married a year yet.
I guess I just wanted to get you guys' opinion on my situation.
Thanks
Wow... I think that your situation is what I'm afraid of... (I've got 3 year anniversary in Sept., so I'm still "new" at being married in some respects).
First and foremost, you must do what is right for YOU. Don't ever get off track with your healthy lifestyle just because your husband is having issues. If the situation gets worse, then doing what is right for you (physically, mentally, and emotionally), MIGHT mean needing to separate for a short time to get things straight (I'm not advocating breaking up or anything, and I certainly have no clue how your marriage is otherwise). But do not compromise your health or your lifestyle just to please your hubby.
Have you been trying to lose weight for your entire relationship? Was this something that you started after you got married? Did you talk to your husband about your lifestyle changes beforehand and ask his feelings about the whole thing; how he thought he could help you; and what changes he might be willing to make? You must communicate very clearly what you need (don't "hint" or beat around the bush as so many of us women are good at LOL); and you must be receptive to his needs as well. If you have trouble with this (as I haven't known many newlyweds that are good at communicating, including us) it might be a good idea to go to a counselor. It can really help, and it doesn't mean that your marriage is bad or anything, it just means that sometimes we can't say what we need to and need some help.
One thing that I have to deal with is that my husband is HORRIBLE about expressing emotions (this due to his abusive childhood) and tends to keep quiet about everything. In 5 years, he has NEVER told me I am beautiful - but when he thinks it I know because I get those goofy looks from across the room or I catch him eyeing me. LOL The first time I lost weight after we met, he couldn't keep his hands off me, and I was wearing more feminine clothes than what I normally would have. He hasn't started in with that yet, but given past reactions, it won't be long before we're at that point. I have had to learn from the non-verbal cues what my hubby is really thinking. It kinda sucks sometimes, cuz I always have to be paying attention LOL
Also, a long time before we met, he decided he like large girls because they weren't sluts (which isn't necessarily true, duh LOL). So I know he will have issues with my weight once I get down to a smaller size than I was when we met (250lbs, size 20). I am afraid then I will have to go through what you are.
Oh. I am sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it is hard for the people that we love to adjust to the new us. With weight loss, especially such a high one (p.s. you rock) people around us don't know what to think. They think that with our losses, we have also shed our personality. Plus I imagine that you are probably the hot topic every where you guys go. Its tough. After my weight loss, I had criticism too, family members accused me of being different, or worst yet accused me of eating disorders...oh, YOU NEVER EAT! My best freind is still overweight and so is my girlfriend. I know it gets rough for them to be seen with me sometimes. I want to tell you that your husband will come around, but I don't know him or you that well to make that judgement. As far as your sex life, mine is suffering, because my girlfriend is so much bigger than me..it was easier when we were both big. Maybe you should invite your husband shopping with you. Let him maybe pick out things that he finds sexy on you. Ask his opionion alot. I know it sounds like you are stroking his ego, but who could not use a little stroking? Your extreme weight loss is a concern to him, bcs now so many men are checking you out. Its a be careful what you wish for. Every guy must want the "wow!" chick but once you have it its a different story. Love him. Thats all you can do, love him...keep your old friends and your old habits, sooner or later he will see that the new you is the same you only in a healthier package.
No matter what you do, don't sabatoge yourself and put the weight back on to please him. Ok? I'm here if you need me. I have noticed that all of my old friendships are not as strong now, either.
Well, before I lost the weight, I would always complain about the way that I looked, about how I wanted to lose weight. He always told me that he thought I looked beautiful, but if I wanted to lose weight he would support me and help me in any way possible. I started my "diet" in January of 2005 and we got married in October 2005, after I had lost all the weight. He supported me all the way and continues to support me now, even though he thinks I'm obsessed with my weight now. He changed the way that he cooked and the foods that he bought. He started reading food labels because I read the food labels. Yet, he seems to have gained some weight even though we've been eating healthier. I think it's all the beer that he drinks and he doesn't get enough exercise.
I've gotten a lot better at not "beating around the bush" and telling him what I want. Yet, he always takes it as something else he needs to change or something else that he's doing wrong....it doesn't matter how I word it, he always takes it as a blow on him. Though, I will hold things in until they build and build.
I'm glad that we're not the only ones who have trouble communicating sometimes!
I've gotten a lot better at not "beating around the bush" and telling him what I want. Yet, he always takes it as something else he needs to change or something else that he's doing wrong....it doesn't matter how I word it, he always takes it as a blow on him. Though, I will hold things in until they build and build.
I'm glad that we're not the only ones who have trouble communicating sometimes!
ugh..sounds like us LOL
We have been seeing a counselor for a year, at first together and now separately. I go to her for my weight loss issues, and he goes to get help dealing with his past. I thought our counselor did a good job at teaching us how to be direct about our needs; that no one "always" or "nevers"; everything doesn't have to be an argument; and holding back only leads to resentment. We went from "fighting" to just little spats every now and then; our household is much more peaceful and happier.
It sounds like you are very lucky to have him pretty much do this along with you. Did he think that you would lose the weight and then everything would go back to "normal" maybe? Perhaps he is upset because you met your goal and didn't go back to your old lifestyle. Actually, I'm wondering if it wouldn't help him to come to 3fc and read over the maintainers forum or talk to Meg or something like that.
Also, a good thing to grasp ahold of is that his insecurities are NOT your problem. They are something that he has to work through and you should NEVER let him make you feel guilty for making your goal weight. Really, the only other thing that you can do is just be there and be you, be consistent in your lifestyle, and maybe after a short time he will be used to you as you are. But don't ever think that there is a problem with you.
Thanks hon! I know what you mean about your girlfriend being so much bigger than you. I used to crush him in certain positions. Now the tables have turned and he smooshes me sometimes. He seems to forget that I'm not as big as I used to be.
Don't worry, there is no way in **** that I would EVER go back to the way that I used to be, especially not for him or anyone else. I finally love myself and I'm NEVER going back!!
Anyone else out there want to throw anything in? I could really use some help on this. It's becomming a major concern and it's making me feel like maybe I'm just too much for him now. Like I was "safe" before because I was heavy, but now that I'm not, he's totally worried that I'm going to cheat. I can't stand it anymore!
It's his problem hon, not yours. It sounds like he's trying to make his insecurity your fault because he can't handle the new you. I would seriously sit down and talk to him about it, and tell him if you being healthy is that big of a problem/concern for him and he doubts your loyalty and your love that much, then you both need to go to counseling TOGETHER to work on your relationship, and he needs to go to get himself straightened out..
Counseling definitely sounds like a good deal. I'm sure he loves you very much but this is his insecurity coming up. When you were heavier, he probably felt like he didn't have much competition. Now, on the other hand, he feels like you could be easily snatched up. I understand where he is coming from but he needs to work on his insecurities. Obviously reassuring him isn't working so counseling sounds like the next best thing. In the meantime, sit down with him and have a true heart to heart and let him know how you feel and what you need from him.
I think I intimidate my DH!
