My son is 20 yrs. old and has moved his 18 yr. old girlfriend in with us. He has a good job and brings home $500.00 weekly plus gets $175.00 monthly from his Army Drill pay. His girlfriend started a new job last month and makes $500.00 every 2 weeks to take home, plus a $50.00 weekly free gas card. So, their total combined income is $3,375.00 monthly. They have been living here totally free. I came home today and found that she had called in sick to work so they could go camping. I blew a fuse. She has already called in sick 4 times since starting this job a month ago. I know that since she works at a nursing home and is calling in so much (especially on a holiday weekend) that she'll probably get fired. I told her this and she cried and then started screaming at my son because he wouldn't "stand up to me for her". My feeling is that if they want to live together like adults that they should move out and get their own place. I think that if they had bills to pay (IE, Rent and utilities) that they would have to be responsible and go to work when scheduled. I don't want their money, I want them out! She is whiney and moody and he is prone to temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way. So, I told DH today that I am giving them 3 months (October 1st) to save enough money to rent their own place. He already has over $1000.00 in savings and I think this is plenty of time. They are constantly spending money on junk such as video games, eating at expensive restaraunts and , partying with other irresponsible friends , accessories for his jeep or motorcycle and such. I know that in the area we live, that he can get a nice apartment with utilities included for $500.00 monthly. His jeep payment is $262.00 and his motorcycle and car insurance combined is $75.00 montly which he has been paying. I plan to have DH sit with me and outline the goals for them to get out on their own. What does everyone think? Am I being mean or ridiculous? I actually think that when they get back from camping and I bring this up that they'll pack their stuff and move right then. This will cause me guilt but it may be what I have to deal with. I think I can live with it. Also, she is mad at me because she wants to buy a Yorkie puppy for $1000.00 and I told her that she can't get it until they have their own place. I already have a big chocolate lab and 2 cats and don't want any more animals. I let her bring a stinking gerbil and have regretted that much. Thanks for letting me vent and I would appreciate suggestions on how to bring up this sensitive matter with the 2 of them.
You are being way more generous that I would be. If they are making enough money to live on their own, they would be. I'd give them thirty days. If they weren't out by then, I'd pack their stuff, put it out on the lawn and change the locks.
They are taking advantage of you. Good for you for taking charge and getting them to transition to the not so free side of adulthood.
I'm trying to picture my parents letting me move in a lover and a gerbil. My parents wouldn't even let me share a room over night with someone I was dating until I was over 30! Why on earth would they want to move out and pay rent when they can live with you FOR FREE and spend that money on fancy dinners and video games? Make the rent/rules so unappealing that they want to move out. My parents were so strict (home at 11, no overnight guests) that I was anxious to get my own place. I went away to college at 18 and basically never lived with my parents again (except a couple of summers between semesters where I spent the whole time wishing I had my own place and could do what I wanted!!)
I think your plan is more than reasonable. I would actually give them 30 days. They are taking advantage of you!
You are not her mother. You are his, that is true, but it sounds like he is making plenty of $$ to live on his own. She is a guest in your home and should be respectful of the members of your family (your son included).
they are grown ups. they shouldn't throw tantrums and expect to get what they want at that age. what are they living in a fantasy world? kick them out and give them a taste of the real world and then see if they still want (or can) afford the daily living costs & headaches people get when dealing with money, let alone a puppy or expensive toys.
He's 20 and she's 18? They have no business sharing a bed in a home they're not paying for. It's time for some rules! No shared beds in your house; no extra pets; and if your son decides to stay without the girlfriend, he should be paying rent since he has a job. Show some backbone! How will they ever grow up (and leave) if you keep coddling them? I'm willing to bet son and GF don't clean, cook, do laundry... YOU'RE NOT THE MAID!!!! If they want to live like grownups (ie have sex at home) they should accept grownup responsibilities. Otherwise, don't be surprised when the puppy is joined by bambinos. And you'll be expected to care for them too. Don't feel guilty. A parent's job is to prepare children for independance. Of course they won't like it. They didn't like it when you took their binkie away...
Carla breath! I can see how this situation is irritating...Lillybelle, can I come live with you? Your REALLY nice. REALLY nice! You are being by far more reasonable than I would be. My general attitude would be "What are you stupid? Of course your gonna move out! Your a grown man with a partner..." I love you ,now buh bye! Call me!" Don't let the 20 old " my mommie was mean to me..." give you any guilt. You KNOW your right, he will too...someday.
I say if you don't want your grown kids living with you, then learn to say NO. This may not be the most popular post, but its true! I know sometiems we all go through hard times.
Hub and I have. We had to move in with my in-laws for a while, well we didn't HAVE too, but we were having some finance troubles at the time. But we paid rent and helped around the house too. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have done it. It was a pain, not only for them, but for us as well. I would rather live dirt poor, on my own, then to do that ever again. Only reason I would even consider it now is if their health deteroriated and they needed us. Don't get me wrong, I truely appreciate what his parents did for us in our time of need, I am just much, much happier living on our own!
I say give them 30 days and then stick to it and next time (IF there is one) your son wants to live with you, just say NO. He may get made, throw a "Temper Tantrum" but at least you'll have your sanity and your privacy and he'll learn to live on his own.
When we went through the hard time, we asked my parents first, they said no. I didn't get upset or mad at them, they just flat out told me, "we don't have room for you, but we love to have you come and visit though."
So once he moves out, turn his room or wherever they are staying into something else so that way its not an option period. Stay strong and it will make him a much better person in the end. (not that he isn't now, but it will be better for him, trust me, I speak from exp.)
Oh and I just wanted to add, that I agree with Midwife, when I was staying with my in-laws, even though I was technically "family" I still respected them just like I would my own parents, maybe even more so. I treated it as their home, which it was and lived by their rules. They were gracious enough to let us stay there, the least we could do was respect them and help them out when and however we could.
I also agree that make the living conditions unbearable. Because it works. Not saying my in-laws are terrible people, they are not, but they didn't make it a stay at the Ritz either.
Last edited by Sassy_Chick; 07-01-2006 at 07:31 PM.
IMO, I think you're being way too easy on them. I would only give them 30 days notice, and that's plenty of time to find a place. I wouldn't be allowing them to stay there together at all since they're not married. I feel kids these days expect so much, and want to give nothing in return. I've had my share of problems with my 19 year old, who is married, and believe me, I've had lots of guilty feelings, but you will get over them and after awhile, everything will be better. I hope your DH stands behind you and that you both are firm and get your point across. I don't think you're being in the wrong at all!
For a start - make them pay board. Its not about not wanting their money its about making them take responsibility for their own incomes.
They should also contribute to the bills i.e. gas and electricity.
They should be buying their own food
All cleaning is to be done by them - do NOT cook for them, clean for them, do their laundry etc
Stand your ground with them and realise that yes...they're going to be pissed and yes, they're going throw hissy fits but they are well and truly old enough to deal with this kind of thing.
Life isnt a free ride and thats what you are giving them.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, buts its the honest truth.
I moved out at 19 after a gap year at home before uni (i'm now 23) In that time I worked full time, saved to pay for my accommodation at college, paid board and bills to my parents, bought my own food etc, did my own cleaning etc, bought and paid for my own car and completely learnt how to deal with bills and budgeting. Yes I resented it at first and thought my parents should cut me slack (after all...i'm their child!)
But now I am so thankful for it - I have a much better grasp of finances and how to look after myself than any of my friends.
Don't be afraid to stand up to your kids.
They are the child - you are the adult.
And even chicks get pushed out of the nest to fall or fly as they will.
I agree Liv, hub and I did the same when staying with his parents. We payed rent and bills, bought our own food, cooked and cleaned for ourselves. I would never expect my in-laws to do any of that for me.
We would help them with their household, outside, and even extra chores, which I think is just a given. If someone is nice enough to let you stay with them, I think that is the very least you can do is help them with everyday chores.
I am 21, and just moved out of my parents home about 2 months ago. My Mom was pretty eager for me to go, my Dad wanted me to stay longer and save up more money (we live in a high-priced city). I worked through college part-time and they didn't ask me to contribute then, but after summer and after I got my first full time job they charged me rent immediately. It was very, very low but probably their way of getting me to think about that on a monthly basis.
I can't believe you let your son's girlfriend move in with you, that's insane! My parents NEVER let my sister and I have our boyfriends stay over. They could stay late, but could not sleep over and for a while when I was 18 or 19 they even required I leave my bedroom door open when he was there. They aren't crazy-moral people or anything like that, but I think there is a parent's responsibility and rules of a house. When I worked full time I bought all my own food, paid all my own living expenses, and as mentioned contributed a very small rent. My fiancee and I were finally able to move out recently. Part of it was definitely having a place of our own where we could be together (the open-door policy was a requirement at his parent's house as well, he has two younger half sisters) and also to cut down on the commute for both of us. I think it is too late to kick out the girlfriend but yes, give them a time requirement and tell them you'll help them in the planning process as much as you can but they need to learn to be financially responsible for themselves. At the worst they will go freeload off her parents or someone else but at least it won't be you anymore and in the long run they will learn and don't feel guilty - we all go through hard times and even your beloved children have to.
Would it be possible to find an apartment for them that you could pay for the first month? You could get it for them, then tell them that they have a new address that has been prepaid for them, from say August 1st to September 1st. You could do even two or three months if you feel more comfortable. Then, you arrange for a moving truck to get their stuff out of your house on August 1st. Once their stuff is gone, change the locks on your house immediately. They are out, and in a safe place, and you are free. You just have to NOT LET THEM BACK IN if and when they call..
Sounds harsh, but I've seen Dr. Phil do this a number of times on TV, and it seems to work.
Good luck!
Would it be possible to find an apartment for them that you could pay for the first month? You could get it for them, then tell them that they have a new address that has been prepaid for them, from say August 1st to September 1st. You could do even two or three months if you feel more comfortable. Then, you arrange for a moving truck to get their stuff out of your house on August 1st. Once their stuff is gone, change the locks on your house immediately. They are out, and in a safe place, and you are free. You just have to NOT LET THEM BACK IN if and when they call..
Sounds harsh, but I've seen Dr. Phil do this a number of times on TV, and it seems to work.
Good luck!
I wouldn't get them an apartment or pay their rent. Searching for a place to live is part of growing up. Arranging how to get there is also part of the process. It's also an accomplishment for which a young person can be proud and from which a young person can learn a lot about life as an adult--how much things cost, commutes, negotiating the rental process. He should enjoy that rite of passage. Don't take that away from him.
Absolutely, but if these kids have no intention of moving, and get upset when it is discussed (just like she is upset about the puppy issue) and they are making enough money as it is, there may be no incentive for them to actually move unless they are forced into it. Why move if they can live for free? And, they can always look for their apartment of their dreams once they are in their own place. I don't think you are taking anything away from them. Rather, by forcing the issue and by making them get out on their own, you are really helping them. It seems to me that discussing the issue hasn't been working for them to this point (as it is clear that this will be a sticky issue to bring up) and that something needs to be done, not for the parents' sake but for the kids' sake. They aren't taking responsibility right now while sponging off the parents, and I think that something drastic might just be the ticket. Just a thought!
How do you get adult kids to move out?
Kids......Ya can't kill um'
I can see how this situation is irritating...Lillybelle, can I come live with you?
Your REALLY nice. REALLY nice! You are being by far more reasonable than I would be. My general attitude would be "What are you stupid? Of course your gonna move out! Your a grown man with a partner..." I love you ,now buh bye! Call me!"
Don't let the 20 old " my mommie was mean to me..." give you any guilt. You KNOW your right, he will too...someday.
