I finally realized the other day (at the gym of all places) why, besides being an unhealthy weight for my 5'3" frame, I felt utterly disgusting...and it goes something like this:
This weight is not me. This weight is a reflection of what I've been through. I was, ok, maybe a little heavy for my height, but at 150, I wasn't terrible looking.
Then...I found out my grandmother had cancer the second term of my first year in college (fyi college was not good to more, more to come). So, I went home and took care of my dying grandmother (she had two types of cancer and it had mastictized (sp?)) when I wasn't working. That was my summer, a very hard and depressing summer. I was the one who had to deal with everything most days of the week, and at 19 I had no idea how to do that. So, I left for college again that fall elated to be free again in a new state (Florida)...only to have my grandmother die two days before I came home at Christmas (hadn't been home the whole semester). I was more than devistated. I had so much to say to her that I never ended up saying. I had already been diagnosed some years earlier as being depressed (long story), and this finally took me to the point of medication. Medication wasn't the only thing that helped me, though, I also turned to food. Add then, the complication that things with my boyfriend of the time were super stressful (because of his parents), and I ended up breaking up with him, and it only complicated the matter and fuled my emotional eating.
Summer came, and I went back to the home where the year before I had taken care of my grandma. Memories abounded and I found living at home a very difficult thing to do...so, one night I wanted escape and ended up going to a cousin's house to "drink and be merry." It was anything but merry. He was (I don't know about now) married and had a kid. His wife was out of town, and while I was completely inebreated, he took advantage of me. Again, I found myself at the bottom of every bucket I could even imagine. I kept wanting nothing more to talk to my grandmother and have her comfort, but that was something I knew would never happen. I decided that from then on, I wasn't going to look the way I looked because I didn't want anyone touching me or being remotely interested in me. Enter my best friend food. It didn't take too long to put on quite a few layers of fat.
But it didn't end there. I went back to school, and not even a month after I had returned to school, one of my best friends died two weeks before his 21st birthday. He was more than a friend, though, he was a potential soul mate. We never got the opportunity to find out (obviously), and I couldn't help but be completely stunted in life. I didn't care what I wore, what I looked like, or what I ate. Anything that gave me any sort of comfort was exponetially better than my life at that moment.
It's been two and a half years since my grandma died and nearly two years since my friend died. While I'm not completely done greiveing...I've definitely found better ways of coping than eating. However, I was left at 215 lbs. of emotional anguish attached to my body. I ate because I couldn't control my surroundings, I didn't know how to deal with my feelings, and because I didn't want any man to take advantage of me again. I feel disgusting becuase I am a physical representation of the horrible things that have occured in my life and I would much rather be a physical representation of the hope I feel for the future and the bright outlook I've come to realize is mine alone (including being healthy). It is for these reasons alone that I kill myself at the gym every time I go and am trying so much harder to become the woman I know I can be who has control over herself and is leading a happy life.
P.S. This is not meant to be a pity-party. This is my realization and understand of why I've become the person I am and how I plan to better myself. And I wanted to share it all with you since I'm finally being perfectly honest with myself (which I've never been).
I'm very sorry for what you have went through. I'd be on medications too I think. It's great you are taking your mental health. It's so important, and yet people usually ignore the signs of depression.
It's great you are being honest with yourself...I've always heard that's the first step...and the hardest. Now you can start your healthier lifestyle!
Good luck, and let us know how you do!
Wow, you have alot of courage to post all of these soul bearing events that have gone on in your life. But it sounds like you're accepting these things and that, my dear, is wonderful! Keep up the good work and I'm here if you ever need to talk!
That's a great way of looking at your excess pounds - a physical representation of things in your life. When you are all strong and buff those muscles and toned arms will be a physical representation of your strength and your increased fitness will be a physical representation of your stamina through difficult times.
Wow! That was really brave of you to lay it all out there like that. Are you talking to a therapist about all of this? Sometimes just having someone you can tell these things to (face to face) is a great way to get it all off your chest and be able to let things go (not the memories perhaps, but at least the guilt and negative stuff). The gym is a much more postive outlet for things than food, so congratulations on your progress so far!
Thanks guys! I am doing much better (as the post notes), and I'm not feeling pain so much, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I'm just ready to lose the emotional baggage that turned phyiscal baggage so I don't feel so disgusting anymore. I was talking to someone when I needed it, but I'm much better mentally now. And, I CAN'T WAIT TILL I'M BUFF! It'll be a postitive physical representation rather than the negative one that I have now. I'm so excited! Good luck to everyone else, too!!!! WE can do it!!!
That is a **** of a lot of horrible things you got through -- that you made it in one piece (albeit a big piece) -- is a testament to the strength you have always had. I am glad you are in a better place now!
Starwatcher - Your resolve is inspiring! Sometimes people go through horrible things like that and never recover. In the end, you will be a stronger person because of all those things, both on the inside and the outside.
Starwatcher! How amazing that you have worked through all that!!
I know I feel disgusted with my weight and the way I feel a lot. BUT every day I go to the gym or eat really well, I tell myself that its ok cause TODAY I did something about it. And man that feels so good!!! Just a suggestion.. it really has helped me keep motivated!!
You Go Girl!! (yeah kinda cheesy but the sentiment is right)
So....here it goes...
I'm so excited! Good luck to everyone else, too!!!! 
WE can do it!!!
