Ok.. this board is WAY to inactive for such an epidemic problem.
So.. in my attempt to get some real discussion going.. in the spirit of offering my own experience in working with this demon... I am going to toss out something to talk about. Control.
When I began binge eating... I did not realize how much power I actually had over my own life. I believed that I was an outside observer to life and that what happened to me depended on the actions of everyone else. Because I really, truly believed that my life was under everyone elses control. Needless to say, the more important someone was to me.. the more power I gave them. And when that person behaved in a way that left me hurt, insecure, confused... I felt powerless over the relationship and those feelings. Since I couldn't stand the feelings.. I began eating to numb them. I didn't drink at the time, and I didn't smoke or use drugs... if those other elements had been a part of my life.. I probably would have used those.
I've since learned that I do have power over what happens to me. And, while, no one can control another's behaviour.. we all have the power to choose our relationships. If someone is emotionally abusive, you can choose to leave, and seek healthier friends and lovers. If your job is not fulfilling.. you have the power to find another one. The more we claim our personal power in the outside world, the less pain and stress we will experience internally. The chaos on the inside.. the less need to numb the chaos.
I too would like to see more activity on this board. So thanks for your post Elaine.
I am also a binge eater and I completely agree with you that we all have control over the choices we make and what we put in our mouths! I try everyday to live for myself and to try and do one thing that makes me feel good. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "no" instead of "yes". Or reading only 2 pages from a good book.
But do you ever have those days when you wake up thinking about food and it obsesses you all day long? Regardless of the good things that you do for yourself. Regardless of all the self-talk. Regardless of knowing that you are in control. I have tried to journal and see if there is a pattern to my binges. I have been focusing mostly on the time of the month, hormones, and what I ate the day before (such as too many carbs). Now I realize that I need to also consider my mental emotions and what is going on in my life. Thanks for the food for thought.
When I talked about control... I wasn't talking so much about the control over what we eat... I was talking more about recognizing the power we have over our own lives, the power of choice... and taking back your power (control) over seemingly uncontrollable situations. The more we do that, the more we are pro-active about using our personal power in painful situations, the less we will need external things to numb our pain.
I can definelty relate to that overwhelming urge to eat. I am, after all, a compulsive over-eater!
I have come to the conclusion that recovery is two-fold. You have to deal with the underlying emotional issues, but you also have to just stop engaging in the addictive behaviour. This is where the old AA motto comes into place... one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
When I have had that urge.. and really not wanted to give in to it... I actually stop fighting the feeling without engaging in the behaviour. In other words, I just admit to myself that I want to binge. I have a dialog with myself that goes something like this.
I want to binge. I want to just eat eat eat.
I mean, I don't actually WANT to.. but I want to.
How am I going to feel if I binge. I know, I am going to feel like crap and wish I didn't do it. I still want to binge. It is ok to want to binge, it doesn't mean I have to really do it. But I want to.
I know if I don't do this today.. the next time the urge comes... it will be easier to not do it.
I have to stop eating sometime.
This is not easy. Of course it isn't easy. It is an addiction. I am addicted to food. But, I have to stop sometime.
End of dialog.
I know it seems silly, but that is actually the kind of conversation I will have with myself! It actually does work most of the time. When you are in that frenzy.. logic doesn't really work.. you just have to keep breaking the urge down until you don't want to binge anymore.
I understood what you meant about taking control - my words just did not come out right and they seemed to be only related to control over food. Anyway, you make perfect sense and I agree with you.
Thanks for the "self-dialogue". It is excellent and I have printed it out. You have some great things that you say to yourself. Usually my self-talk is very negative. I am going to work on this.
sometimes the control over food IS an issue...I know that for me there have been times that I have felt that this "thing" is more than I can control, I am powerless, and will never gain the upper hand. I think in one form or another it's about "self" control. Don't get me wrong...I don't mean willpower....that's a concept that I hate to see on many of these threads.
I have found for me that I increase my binging when I am feeling empty or neglected in some way - either literally or metaphorically. The food "fills" me, and at times I have "treated myself" and indulged as a reward. For me, I have to keep working at keeping my focus on what's behind my eating and not the calories consumed, points or if I stayed "on program".
Control is the issue for me. Always has been. When I am out of control or my life is out of control food is the way I get back in control. If I can control what I put (or don't put) in my mouth I feel better about the rest of my life.
When my life exploded when I was 22 the first thing I did was start back up with my long last habit of poppoing laxatives. I didn't even realize the connection. But one day as I was swallowing my pills I realized that I was controlling when I went to the bathroom and I couldn't control the other things in my life that were so important to me: family, love, parents, divorce, husband. It was directly related. And it always has been.
So now I work with learning to separate my emotional nature and the status of my life from food. One does not necessarily have to reflect the other. And it does appear to be helping most of the time. I still have days when I binge after fighting with my dh. Or spend all afternoon in the bathroom after a stressful day at work, my natural stress laxative. But I'm working on it.
The points you made are precisely what I was talking about.. if we feel like we don't have the power to control our own lives... we will reach out for the first thing that we can control.. and that first thing is usually food!
I can remember the EXACT moment that I began binge eating because of emotional problems.
I had never, ever eatin compulsively before. For about a year.. I was involved in a relationship with someone who was EXTREMELY controlling over me.. to the point where it was emotional abuse. I was too young to realize it at the time, for what it was, emotional abuse. He wanted to control everything down to the fingernail polish I wore. He also convinced me that his "help" was because he "loved me"... but oddly .. I didn't feel love.. and I thought that there was something wrong with ME... that I couldn't feel love for someone who the outside world considered to be "the nicest guy in the world". I wanted to leave the relationship, but believed I needed permission.. this is a thing from my childhood, the permission thing.
I was so miserable that I finally got up the courage to leave.. and immediately hooked up with someone who was the opposite of Mr. Control Freak.. but here is the sick thing... I really believed at the time that if I couldn't make things work with the new guy.. that would mean I would have to go back to the control freak guy. It never occurred to me that I had the power to choose my relationships... that I could decide what I wanted and go get it. So, everytime Guy B would behave in a way that would make me insecure.. I would EAT.. because I had no where for those feelings to go.
If I could have recognized that I always had the power in both situations... instead of eating.. I would have sought the kind of relationships that I really needed.
I have come along way since then.. but I still have to constantly look over my shoulder at my own unhappiness.. and make sure if things in my life are not the way I want them.. that I am not waiting for "permission" to move on. And, this is not just about relationships.. its about everything. I had a violin teacher who was trying to control what sort of music I studied.. and I was actually afraid to fire her and seek out a teacher who was more supportive (I am not talking technique.. I am talking about an over-controlling teacher who actually wanted to choose for me the type of music I should pursue!)... I can remember when I would be at home alone and go to play a piece of music that I wanted to play.. I would actually feel like I was doing something "bad". Guess what I would do instead of practice... you got it.. BINGE! When I realized how sick the whole thing was... I fired the teacher.. found the right teacher... and began practicing instead of binging.
Discussion Topic - Control
