I've been debating for the last few weeks if I wanted to post a problem here and ask from some advice from you all. I just am so depressed and irritable lately and it is taking a toll on my marriage.
I moved about 4 months ago from Vermont back to my hometown in Iowa so I could be closer to my 2 older children who I have not seen in 6 years. DH came back with me and we have been living with my parents since being here. He finally go a job and I'm trying to find something full-time> I did work temporarily at H & R Block. We are desparately trying to find a place of our own to get out of their hair. My mom is getting irritated because we are there and she can't see the kids. The ex hubby is being a you-know-what. He won't even let me see or talk to the kids. He told my mother that I would have nothing to do with them. I really dont' think he is going to let the kids come over even if we are not living there because he is going to know that I can come over there and see them. But I am trying to get out of her hair. It seems as though she really doesn't care much about me or my other child with my current DH. It really makes me sad. I know she loves my older children, but does she have to make me feel like such crap and that I am not worthy or my younger child.
Anyways, I am torn because I can't see my other kids. My divorce papers say I have visitation rights, but they have to be agreed upon between the 2 of us. I really don't see him agreeing to anything. What can I do? I don't want to get a lawyer because I really can't afford one right now, but I dont' want my kids to think I don't love them because I am not seeing them. He didn't even tell the kids that they had a half-sister. He refused to let them know about it and even threatened my parents that if they told.. well, you won't see the kids anymore. So they never knew until I finally told them. She was almost 2 and I just couldn't take it. They are happy to know about it. They aren't mad at me.
Plus I have heard so many stories about how he treats the children and about his current wife. I just wish I had a better situation for my life becasue I would go to court to get joint custody of the kids so where they could live with me and not him. They would tell my parents can we live here. We don't want to go home. My son Zach was in therapy after I moved to Vermont and when dad talked to the therapist to get Zach to open up and talk.. well when Mike went to the next appointment.. Bam.. Zach doesn't go anymore because he's a quack and doesn't know what he is talking about. So something is seriously going on in that house, but everyone just thinks he is so great.
Stories I have heard from parents from the kids: They get hit with a belt when they get into trouble. If they don't pick up their things(clothes, toys, books, handhelds), they will be thrown away. Kelsey splashed water on the bathroom floor during a bath, and had to sit at the kitchen table til 7pm at night and then go to bed. She got in trouble for not making it to the bathroom in time when she was sick and threw up on the floor. They are made to clean up after his dog. He choked the dog in front of the kids. She left barettes at my parents house and were told to have them back or Kelsey was going to be whooped with the belt twice. I heard Diane(his new wife) told my aunt's ex daughter in law that Zach was a spoiled brat and that she didn't like him. Oh, forgot to mention that the kids are forced to call her mom too. And if they don't they get in trouble for it. Zach got whooped for it because he refused and said she's not my mom.
Just a few of the things that I have heard. I just dont' know what to do. I am afraid of the guy myself. I haven't had the nerve to call him to talk to him. I know I need to get the kids away from him, but a judge would never grant me physical custody with my situation right now. I've even heard that he wants me to sign away my rights so Diane can adopt them. I would never do that. I wish I could take back the past and do things differently, but I can't and I would have my beautiful little Emily, but I jsut don't know where to go or what to do.
I'm so sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get this off of my chest and hoped that I could get some advice to lead me in the right direction. I am so desperate to see my kids, but I want to go about it the right way.
First, see if there's a free legal clinic (perhaps through the nearest law school) that could help you go to court to enforce visitation.
Second, if you believe your kids are being abused by your XH, please call Child Protective Services. It may help if you start keeping a log of incidents of abuse, along with the date & time, any witnesses present, etc.
Absolutely call CPS, it will help you with your case. If you think for a second your children are in trouble you are obligated to do something about it. I have no idea why the kids are with him, you didn't go into it, but you should still have a right to see your children and it should be pushed that he agree to it. The legal clinic is a great idea, you definitely can not let this go, these are your children and you will regret the rest of your life if you don't do everything you can right now.
Long story short.. I moved out of state to live with friends and I didn't know what was going to be happening to me as far as work, living arrangements, ect and I didn't want to disrupt their lives anymore then I had too. The divorce was rough enough on them. I didn't want to uproot them from everything that they had known. If I knew now, what I could have known then, obviously I would have done things alot differently. But I made mistakes and now I just have to try to move on and give them a better life and make them happy. I am willing to get along with the EX.. He just wants to make me suffer for as long as can.
I think it's important that you document absolutely everything.
Parent alienation is a very serious offence and should not be taken lightly.
If you don't qualify for legal assitance, you most certainly can represent yourself.I did, and I won....but know your facts...Take the time to research.
I think your ex is being far worse than an arse....in the long run, it's the kids who ultimately pay.
Don't give up, and never give in.
When your kids are old enough, they will understand and love you for that.
You're ex on the other will likely lose their respect.
Have the people that are telling you these things call CPS!!!! ( they should of did it already) If it comes from you he'll just say your mad at him.
I didn't have money when I got my divorce so I made payments to my lawyer. I would of sold the shoes off my feet if I would of had too to get my kids. My divorce papers say the same thing as yours for my X and he don't get to see my kids and never will.(he's a real SOB)
I don't know how it works where you're at ,but here you can file papers with the friend of the court to get your visitation and they send you and him to talk to someone that can help find out what is best for the kids and they talk to the kids to. If they have that where your at it would be your best shot . Just call the friend of the court and ask . This would be you best bet to start slow but get joint custody of the kids and you don't have to have your own place to get visitation, but if you get it don't fight with him at all be nice let him get mad if he wants .You want to look like the best loving person in the world and him a ***!
And don't ever talk about your x around the kids and anyone else that could go to court and make you look bad.
I hope this helps!! Let me know !
I would be in so much physical and emotional pain if I couldn't see my kids and if I thought they were not being looked after.....kids need their mom........when we need help the most we are often the least capable of reaching out for the help we need.......go somewhere and find a social worker or counsellor who can set you in the right path.........Hang in there........this must be so very difficult.
But I made mistakes and now I just have to try to move on and give them a better life and make them happy. I am willing to get along with the EX.
But if he's doing the sort of things you describe, especially that bit about choking the dog in front of them or being spanked for really minor mistakes, your duty is to step in and protect them. That's more important than anything else, including your need to get along with him. You can report him anonymously, so don't let fear of retribution stop you. If you believe you've let your kids down in the past, this is your chance finally to make up for it, by protecting them from their dad's destructive behavior.
Unbelieveable but true story....
Almost a year and a half ago my friend met a girl with two kids 7 and 2. She had just got out of a abusive relationship with the 2 year olds dad. Moved in with my friend. The 7 year old apparently felt safe with my friend and told that the 2 year olds dad had molested her during the family court deciding visitation and custody of the 2 year old. CPS guy is friends with the mother of the 2 year olds father. the mother of the 2 year olds father works in the school system and is friends with the head cps guy. State police and SS from state mother is living with my friend all believe the 7 year old was molested but can do nothing since abuse happenned in another state. 2 year old starts saying her dad is hurting her, mother takes her to hospital but no conclusive physical evidence is found. Court is still ordering visitation. Mother is beside herself---state police believe 2 year old is also being molested--mother asks for supervised visitation for 2 year olds dad--his mother is allowed to supervise visitation at their home (32 year old dad living back with his parents)--2 year old still complaining--state police advises mother to cease visitation--judge takes now 3 year old from mother for not abiding by the court ordered visitation and places her in home of her father and grandparents--gives the childs mother supervised visits two hours a day at their home without the father there--says the now 8 year old is welcome to see her sister there. Parents bring friends and relatives in during visitation hours and mock my friends girlfriend--Both molestation cases are thrown out--father gets custody of the 3 year old and mother gets every other weekend visitation.
Please pray for the 3 year old that this idiot does not continue to molest her....
Unbelieveable but true story....
Almost a year and a half ago my friend met a girl with two kids 7 and 2. She had just got out of a abusive relationship with the 2 year olds dad. Moved in with my friend. The 7 year old apparently felt safe with my friend and told that the 2 year olds dad had molested her during the family court deciding visitation and custody of the 2 year old. CPS guy is friends with the mother of the 2 year old. the mother of the 2 year olds father works in the school system and is friends with the head cps guy. State police and SS from state mother is living with my friend all believe the 7 year old was molested but can do nothing since abuse happenned in another state. 2 year old starts saying her dad is hurting her, mother takes her to hospital but no conclusive physical evidence is found. Court is still ordering visitation. Mother is beside herself---state police believe 2 year old is also being molested--mother asks for supervised visitation for 2 year olds dad--his mother is allowed to supervise visitation at their home (32 year old dad living back with his parents)--2 year old still complaining--state police advises mother to cease visitation--judge takes now 3 year old from mother for not abiding by the court ordered visitation and places her in home of her father and grandparents--gives the childs mother supervised visits two hours a day at their home without the father there--says the now 8 year old is welcome to see her sister there. Parents bring friends and relatives in during visitation hours and mock my friends girlfriend--Both molestation cases are thrown out--father gets custody of the 3 year old and mother gets every other weekend visitation.
Please pray for the 3 year old that this idiot does not continue to molest her....
And this is why I bought a hand gun and left in the car when I went to court over my girls if they would of gave him visitation I would of killed him right in front of the court house . I'm one of them moms that would do anything to keep her kids safe. I had my mom on my bank accounts and told her she would have to take care of my kids .Lucky for him he didn't show up so he didn't get any visitation. He molested my oldest girl and I wanted to kill him for that any way if the court would of gave him visitation I think it would of made them look a little hard at what is best for the kids. This SOB has done so much sick sh#!* I just hope he dies slow.
Sorry if I sound a little crazy .I'm really a nice person it's just sick child molesters get me so mad and the court don't seem to care.
Ok, I'm going to give it to you straight. Since I've dealt with custody/support issues in many instances over the years, I've posted on divorce sites and have researched info on the subject since 1997. This doesn't make me an expert, but until a lawyer weighs in, I'm probably about as close as you'll get on a diet board. LOL
First off, I understand why you moved. BUT...you DID move. The court is NOT going to grant you custody, or even joint custody. They will consider you as having abandoned your kids for 6 years. If you try to enforce the visitation order, you will end up back before a judge who will change that order. They may start you out with limited visits, or supervised...until you develop a relationship with the kids again. Depending on the ages of the kids, the court may even take their wishes into consideration. Some courts will listen to kids 12 and older, about whether they wish to see the other parent or not.
Now as for what people are telling you is going on, like someone mentioned, have those people contact CPS. YOU do not contact them unless you KNOW this stuff is going on...and can prove it. When it's a parent contacting them about their ex, it raises a suspicion that you're doing it just to cause trouble and can often make things harder for you. I can tell you that his spanking the children, making them sit at the table, being told they'll be whooped, having their stuff thrown out, being called brats, cleaning up after the dog, or having to call her mom won't get CPS' attention. Those are all parenting decisions. Maybe not ones you agree with, but his right to make. The dog? Probably a concern for the SPCA, but not CPS.
As for legal help, you can try and find an attorney who will work pro bono, or hire just a paralegal to file all the paperwork for you at a much cheaper rate than a lawyer. You likely won't get Legal Aid to help as they generally only handle divorce and criminal cases, but not custody and support. But it won't hurt to call them and see for sure. Sometimes just calling the courthouse, you might get someone who will tell you what you need to file. But again, keep in mind, you've been gone for 6 years. It's not likely to go the way you expect, but likely that you are going to get SOME type of visitation. He can still ignore it, but you can then file contempt on him when it's spelled out in writing and he doesn't follow it to the letter.
My advice...suck up. Pay more support if you can, even if just a little, voluntarily. Be all sugar and sweet. Offer to buy things the kids need. Treat his wife like a queen. If you can get him to allow you to start seeing the kids, even if it is because he's getting more out of you, you can then file to get a better visitation order and likely have it approved. But you will need to be seeing them for awhile and be back in the area for awhile before filing for it.
You can also start getting involved in your kids' lives through school. As a parent, you have a Federal right to all educational and medical records for your children. You can also show up at school functions and to have lunch with them even.
Quote:
Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA)
Sec. 99.4 What are the rights of parents?
An educational agency or institution shall give full rights under
the Act to either parent, unless the agency or institution has been
provided with evidence that there is a court order, State statute, or
legally binding document relating to such matters as divorce,
separation, or custody that specifically revokes these rights.
You can also start getting involved in your kids' lives through school. As a parent, you have a Federal right to all educational and medical records for your children. You can also show up at school functions and to have lunch with them even.
This doesn't always work if my X goes to the school they hold him in the office and call me so I can come down there and they call the police . There is ways around this law and if you live in a small town like I do it can be hard for you.
So I would talk to the teachers first ask about grades and things like that and get to know them and let them know your not going to try to take the kids and don't put down your X when talking to them make it sound like you and him are best friends. You'll want to bring something with you that shows you are their mom because they don't know you from anyone off the street. You might be able to make this work ,but it can be hard all he has to do is show up and start yelling at you and they call the police and they will ask you to leave and you can't fight with them it's a school and you have to be nice.
Try it if he don't find out it might work and If it does make sure you write down every time you see them and go have lunch( start bring them lunch) with them as much as you can show the court it wasn't just a one time thing.
As some of the posters have indicated, you need a lawyer. The suggestions to check with legal aid, or clinics at law schools - also some abused women centers can help you obtain access to legal services. There are a lot of convoluted facts, and you don't want to go taking steps based on someone who purportedly has experience with the issue. Paralegals are not lawyers, and cannot give legal advice, and honey, if anyone ever needed legal advice you do. I'd take all of the other information posted here with a grain of salt, only a lawyer can adequately advise you after they are aware of all the facts in your situation. Lawyers don't post legal advice on bulletin boards. You might also work on your situation - improving your marketable skills, relationship skills etc - possibly through abused women centers - churches or other social organizations. The more your life is on the right track, the more credibility you'll have with the court. Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out for you and your kids.
You can also start getting involved in your kids' lives through school. As a parent, you have a Federal right to all educational and medical records for your children. You can also show up at school functions and to have lunch with them even.
This doesn't always work if my X goes to the school they hold him in the office and call me so I can come down there and they call the police . There is ways around this law and if you live in a small town like I do it can be hard for you.
FERPA is a Federal law. If they deny you, refer them to this...take a copy with you. If they still deny you, there are Federal steps you can take, small town notwithstanding. If you have nothing in your order that prohibits you from your children, you should go with a copy of this law and your order and ask the police why are you being denied your Federal rights.
Not Allowed to See My Kids: Seeking ADVICE
Annie
