Okay here is my sit. My h not dh just h right now of 13yrs has has a job where he works out of town for about the last 11yrs. Hasn't been too much of a prob before because he was in construction type industry and worked with hello construction type guys. In October an oppurtunity arose to do ins adjusting. Sounded okay thought he would give it a go. Here is where it starts to turn. No hotels finds a room in a house. Neglects to tell me there are girls living there to. When he does tell me he tells me they are gay. Good for them right? Don't think too much about it. Start noticing small things. Large meal charges to our bank acct. etc. Obviously a meal for more than one. Still whatever. Problems at home tell him to cut it short come home end of Jan. Starting to be less and less comfortable with the girl situation. Feeling self-conscious, insecure, fat, etc. Gettin "I don't know" to questions like how much work are you getting done how much are you owed right now when will you get a check. etc. He missed his plane when he came home for xmas, and didn't want to drive home because it was too far for just a couple of days?? After he leaves I find an email from a guy in the house that says something about "a jacuzzi bath with the girls". Okay at this point would everyone else be blowing a gasket or is it just me?? So I call and tell him come home now or else. He says he made a committment to this guy to stay until the end of Jan and he isn't coming home until then. Is a committment to this guy more important than his committment to me and the kids?? Am I crazy? Am I blowing this out of proportion?? He says I am and that all I do is try to control him. I really don't know what to think or do? I find out that he is working claims with this girl? I forwarded the email to the two girls and got a verbally abusive response. Was this out of line? He gave me her phone number and told me to call her. I didn't want to so I forwarded the email instead. It would have been very ugly had I called her. I need a fresh view on this. Anyone??
Sorry about everything, but I think you already know the answers here. I personally wouldn't let him back in the house, when he came home he would come home to a pile of ashes in the driveway where all of his belongings were. But hey, thats just me.
I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on. That sucks, I know, I've been in a situation kinda like that. And it does sound like something's going on...you're NOT blowing things out of proportion. And since he's reacting like that when you DO confront him, then obviously something's up. And if nothing were going on, he definitely would have made it home for Christmas. Why would he be staying in a house? Doesn't the company pay for motel rooms? My boyfriend worked for a small construction company and whenever they had to go out of town, the company paid for a motel room every time. It just sounds weird that they would stay in a house. Unless there's a really good explanation for it, then that's really questionable.
No, you are not being controlling or out of proportion - AT ALL!!
Is there any way you can go there in person- unexpectedly - whether it makes him mad or not - and check the situation out for yourself?
Can someone watch your children and you go up by yourself? It really doesn't sound right at all. I think you need to see the situation with your own eyes.
Did you get a verbally abuse response from the girls or from your husband about forwarding the e-mail? Calling her won't really help if there is anything going on. She obviously knows he's married and he wouldn't tell you to call her if he thought she would tell you anything. There may not be anything going on, but it doesn't sound good at all.
Oddly enough, I was in a situation where me & my 2 female roommates housed an out-of-town worker (married male) for a while. Nothing physical went on with any of us, but that isn't to say that he was being upfront with his wife, either. Like in your situation, he told his wife that we were gay for some reason - why do people believe this? Anyway, I guessed he told her that so she would be less worried about why he was living with 3 chicks. To my knowledge, he never slept with another woman or did anything like that while living under our roof. He and I kept in touch and ironically, I found out he'd cheated on his wife after moving back HOME. Go figure!
Your husband may or may not have already done something with these girls. It may be that he's just having some "i wanna feel young and wanted" crisis and is loving the attention from the girls. That part I wouldn't worry so much about.
What I WOULD be worried about is that it sounds as if you have children that he didn't come home to visit on Christmas. That alone speaks volumes. I would sit him down and ask him how important his family is to him. Tell him that you need him to be working in the same city you live in, even if it means a few less "finer things" in life. If he protests and wants to continue living on the road - you've got some serious decision making to do.
Thanks for everyone's response. He did make it home for christmas after I threw a huge fit. The verbally abusive response was from the girls. I figured I would get one of two responses from them. If one of them wanted him, they would tell me and I would divorce him. Or total denial. There are no hotels available in the area because of the hurricane. He is not doing construction anymore, he is doing insurance crap. I know that everyone is probably right.. Question is do I overlook it and see if he comes back? Our kids think he hung the moon and I don't know how they would handle it, or is it better for them to have a basketcase for a mom until I can get it together without him?? Of course I feel like no one else will ever want me. My neighbor is pretty and skinny and all that and she has had so much trouble finding a companion. I know all the love yourself stuff but I don't know if I can face living the rest of my life alone.
I am so sorry that you're going through such an complicated situation. I think he might be just looking for some attention, but since there are kids involved you need to be very careful to make any life changing decisons.
There are people who will see true you no matter how your outlook is. It may sound like a cliche, but trust me there are people like that. Not everybody sees fat is discussting or undesirable. You will make it, and remember we're here for you!!!
Funny thing is, he's not the kind of person that would seek it out. You know. We have a set of friends that she would flirt with him all the time and as long as I was there it didn't bother me. I thought it was funny because he was embarassed. I just sort of needed to sound off to people that didn't know either of us. All of my local friends can see both sides but of course side with me. I don't know if it because I am right or bc they are my friends you know. I think that he would have to be prodded pretty well. But after 13 yrs maybe it wouldn't take that much you know. I think that for the sake of my kids I have decided to just wait out the month of Jan and see what happens. If he comes home it will be the best thing for my kids and if he doesn't I'll that he didn't love me anymore anyway right? Thanks guys i really appreciate the support and responses..
trixie
Wow Trixie, I feel for you, even if things are innocent on your husbands part, it is terrible to be going through those feelings. Take care of yourself and your kids and always keep your eyes and ears open, follow your own instinct. How many hours away is he staying from your house (sorry if you said it, i dont remember reading that)! Is it possible for you to pay him a little surprise visit? How has your marriage been up until this point? I am thinking of you and hope things work out!
Trixie, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation -- especially at Christmas.
It seems like you and your husband need to have some honest open communication. Have you ever tried couple's counseling? I have found that to be very helpful -- once in helping me realize I needed to end a relationship and in my current relationship, in making a very strong foundation for us.
I can relate to the "how can I live my whole life alone" feelings. I went from one miserable relationship to another even worse one until, with a lot of support from friends and therapy, I became ok with the idea of being alone. It was really hard at times, but I realized that if I couldn't genuinely choose to be alone, then I couldn't genuinely choose to be with a person. Hopefully that makes some sense.
I talked to one of girls staying there for a couple of hours today. She said nothing is going on. I think I believe her but that doesn't account for the fact that he still choosing something else over me and my kids. I am planning to wait and see what happens for now. He told me that if the company didn't send him more this week that he would come home on Friday, so everyone pray for no more claims this week. He came home for new year's but only because he missed his christmas flight and that was one of our deals that he come home for nye. It wasn't that great of a trip because I was a total basketcase as usual. But whatever. Hopefully, he will be home friday if not I have til the end of jan. Thanks everyone for your input.
trixie
Okay. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know if it is because he acutally does something or if it is all in my head. When I met him, I was 125 lbs and cute, now I am 290 and not cute. I sometimes think that he is embarassed to be seen with me. Like he loves me but he doesn't like the way I look anymore. Would he want to be home and share our lives if I wasn't a freaking cow?? **** I don't like the way I look how can I expect him to feel any different. Maybe a harsher look at myself is what I need in order to figure out if it is him or me. I don't know, sometimes when are at gatherings he won't put his arm around me of he stays in other parts of the house. It makes me feel like he is ashamed of me. I am ashamed of me. How did I let myself get to this point? Anyone else ever feel like this??
trixie
Trixie, I have always wanted to believe that a man should just accept me, no matter if I gain weight or whatever. I used to compare it to a car accident or something, the "would you leave me if I couldn't walk again??" type of thing.
But the truth is, physical attraction is a part of a happy relationship. I think we all want to be able to look at our significant others with lust in our eyes and feel that physical desire. I realized a little while ago that I can't just expect a man to be attracted to me no matter what I let myself look like.
That does not mean, however, that you (or I) are any less worthy of love, especially from ourselves. I love myself for who I am, but I'm sick of living with this pad of fat; one of the reasons I find myself at this forum! I am not losing weight for my s.o., but I am losing it so *I* can feel sexy. I want to be able to dress up in lingerie and not look in the mirror and think "oh god who is that fat girl?"
Perhaps the weight is causing excess insecurity, that could be. But I think any woman in your shoes would feel a little insecure. I trust my s.o. 100%.... but if he suddenly took a traveling job that involved living with a bunch of girls...yeah i'd have a sick feeling in my stomach too, warranted or not.
I think you can't go wrong with continuing your quest for getting back in shape. Regardless of whether your man will "approve", you will feel better.
advice please
That sucks, I know, I've been in a situation kinda like that. And it does sound like something's going on...you're NOT blowing things out of proportion. And since he's reacting like that when you DO confront him, then obviously something's up. And if nothing were going on, he definitely would have made it home for Christmas. Why would he be staying in a house? Doesn't the company pay for motel rooms? My boyfriend worked for a small construction company and whenever they had to go out of town, the company paid for a motel room every time. It just sounds weird that they would stay in a house. Unless there's a really good explanation for it, then that's really questionable. 
I am not losing weight for my s.o., but I am losing it so *I* can feel sexy. I want to be able to dress up in lingerie and not look in the mirror and think "oh god who is that fat girl?"