[kaysmomma]

I have been friends with this girl for along time. She was my best friend in high school. After i had my daughter i gained weight, enough to make me uncomfortable with being around others. She calls me today and told me a mutual friend of our came to visit her, we haven't seen her for about 3 yrs. The first thing she told me was how fat she got, and how her jaw almost dropped when she saw her. Right away i felt like crap. The only thing i could think of was what did she tell others when we met up after not seeing each other for along time. For those 3 yrs we couldn't think of why she never came around or would make up excuses. Well today i realized it she was doing the same thing i did, not wanting someone to see her and how she changed. I'm so mad at how my friend acted. At this point i'm not sure if she's even a friend. I just keep thinking go ahead keep talking about her and you'll get it back in return. Thanks for letting me vent

[FrouFrou]

Doesn't sound like this person is much of a friend Kaysmomma. A friend excepts you for you, not what you weigh or look like or what you have. I'm almost sure too that if she reacted that way to this person that she surely reacted the same way with you. I don't think you neccessarily need to not ever see her again though. I would be cautious though and if she talks about the other girl take up for her and let her know how you feel about the situation, put a stop to it before any bad talk gets started ya know.

[lucky]

Since you are close to this girl I suggest you talk to her and tell her how her comment made you feel. Sometimes when we are sensitive to certain issues we take them more personally than they are intended. I'm overweight myself but there have been times when I've run into and old friend and thought to myself, "wow, she's gained weight" or "goodness, he's bald." It isn't so much a judgement as a reaction to how someone has changed over time especially when it happens to be someone that you never would have expected to change in such a way. Also, if you have maintained regular contact with this person then she probably doesn't see your weight the same way that you do. For instance, I've had friends and family comment on someone elses (or their own) weight. When I've pointed out that I'm just as overweight as the person they are discussing the reply is always the same: "No, you aren't that big." And I really don't think it is a knee-jerk reation. I honestly believe that they don't see me that way. Since they've watched me gain the weight little by little they've never lost sight of the person I am and still just see me as me, not as a "fat" me.

So, I certainly understand why your friend's comment was hurtful but it wasn't necessarily intentional. You won't know unless you ask. Talk to her and, based on her response, decide whether or not hers is a friendship you wish to keep. But don't risk giving up a relationship you've had since high school over a misunderstanding. And, unless you know her to be a generally nasty or hateful person, it is very likely this situation is just that.

And, take this opportunity to reach out to the other friend as well. You may be able to support each other since you are facing similar weight issues. Perhaps the two of you can face the battle together.

[Trixi]

Great advice Jawsmom...couldn't have said it better so I will just say ditto.