[cdtobehealthy]

I have a "Health" Folder on my computer where I've been storing articles and inspiration and whatever else to help me get through this journey. I've been posting a lot about how I'm scared of the change that weightloss will bring, often times causing me to give up and binge, how I can't seem to recognize the reality of the fact that I am indeed doing this. Someone shared this short little article with me and I think it hits straight to home. So, I thought I'd share it with all you as well Please respond with whatever!


All fears of success would go away if you totally took your power back," says Caine. "In fact, our very deepest fear is that when we really reclaim our power and succeed, we have to face the knowledge that we have always been powerful to change all along and that we could have changed a year or five or 10 years ago." Change comes from choice and we have always had that power.

Then you come face to face with the realization that we caused unnecessary suffering to others and ourselves along the way by our failure to change. And that suffering is not a necessary part of life.

The common denominator to every problem in your life is: you were there when it happened. The pain of the realization that you have been powerful all along can be healed only by forgiving yourself. "If you don't know how to forgive yourself, that forgiveness doesn't come from the outside but from the inside, then you can't create empowered success," insists Caine.

Forgiving yourself as a conscious act leads to a sense of completion. Then you can move on and not act out your failure over and over again.

You need to understand why you held onto being powerless for so long. There are payoffs for holding onto less-than-successful realities and failing to change, real secondary gains to be had, Caine points out.
Some fundamental questions can help you understand why; the biggie is, What do I hope to get out of pretending to be powerless?

• What do I get to avoid?

• Who do I get to punish or love?

• What emotion am I not willing to release? For many it is anger.

• What guarantee am I holding out for?

• Am I manipulating with self-pity?

• Am I feeling better than or less than?

• What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?

Once you identify your fears and understand why you held onto them, then you can forgive yourself. You can release your fears either by visualizing your fear coming true in the future, then creatively destroying it in your imagination. Or you can write out your fears and destroy the paper. (You can get help with the process at www.ticaine.com)

Then play out the movie of your successful future in your imagination-and you are on your way to a successful life.

[Terri in MO]

Good article.

One of the things I think I was always afraid of was that if I got to goal, that life wouldn't really change for the better.

I think I was mainly afraid that I would never achieve what I wanted more than fear of success. Fear of failing one more time.

It is true that you won't truly have the "click" until you acknowledge the payoff that you're receiving by staying fat. Coming to grips with that and being brutally honest with yourself is so hard but so necessary for lifetime success.

Good job for tackling this!

[craftymom2005]

hi,
well here i sit just about in tears. i'm upset that ia gained 1 lb. this. my dr. appt yeterday could have went better. i feel like i'm stuck in my old thinking pattern. negative not positive. that i'm doing this all by myself. i'm frustarated. i ache something awful. i'm dehydrated yet i'm probably getting in my 8-10 glasses of water. my BS have been way up there. i'm not going to give into this failure mood. i have to go on. it's just a struggle this week. every since the funeral i just haven't got back on track. grrrr. well that's about all the whining i'm going to do today.
have a great evening and do something kind for yourself.
kind regards,
mary

[dimples78]

I loved that article, thanks for posting it! I decided to take it upon myself to post my answers. I really had to think about them...surprisingly. I think this really helps with my "fear of failure" issues.

• What do I get to avoid?

Change.

• Who do I get to punish or love?

I get to punish myself again for failing.

• What emotion am I not willing to release? For many it is anger.

Anger and tears.

• What guarantee am I holding out for?

The guarantee of no change.

• Am I manipulating with self-pity?

Of course.

• Am I feeling better than or less than?

Usually less than.

• What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?

A wall around myself.

What do I hope to get out of pretending to be powerless?

An excuse that I just can't do it. That I am too week.

[therubyslippers!!]

Thanks, CD, for posting this. I have been agonizing for years about why I can't stick to a diet, even one that I believe in and makes me feel great. I have a lot of thinking and journaling to do, and this is a wonderful starting point. -Ruby

[cdtobehealthy]

I'm glad this article helped all of you get intouch with some things as well. I went to the website and downloaded some "forms" to help with thinking successfully (or something ) and I plan on doing them today. I like keeping tons of articles/surveys/whatever around to keep reminding myself of how I feel and what I should be feeling.

Here are my attempts at answering the questions:

• What do I get to avoid?
The world, life, the future, people - love.

• Who do I get to punish or love?
I get to punish those I care about, my father for always telling me he wished I was more thin so I could be "beautiful", myself for being a failure at many things. I get to get out of loving anybody.

• What emotion am I not willing to release? For many it is anger.
Anger at my father and myself for messing up, fear of failing to succeed, regret.

• What guarantee am I holding out for?
The guarantee that people will love me despite what I look like.

• Am I manipulating with self-pity?
Absolutely. I blame myself, I punish myself, I want to give up and I stuff my face. I tell myself I don't deserve this and I shouldn't try harder than ****. I tell myself that people have hurt me all my life and they don't deserve to see the real beautiful me.

• Am I feeling better than or less than?
Less than. Less than everyone else, not worthy of happiness or health.

• What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?
A scapegoat. Something to blame all my fears, failures, and pain on. The chance to run away from love or the future or people and just blame it on my weight. A way to hide from people, hide from the truth.

[esmaraude]

Hmm. . . I think about the last time I became extremely successful with weight loss, it scared the **** out of me. I remember how physically great I felt until I got carried away to the point of anorexia. But for better or for worse, the guys started to notice me. That had never, ever happened to me before. Heck, I was in my twenties at that point and had never even been on a date!

See, I had been molested throughout my childhood, and even though I wanted to be considered attractive, I found that I couldn't actually handle being attractive. Not that I looked anorexic; I only got down to about 220. But I didn't know how to handle all those strange guys hitting on me. I was incredibly shy as it was anyway and I went right back to eating my emotions instead of starving on them.

But I'm doing a lot better with the opposite sex thing now. I'm in a strong relationship with a guy that knows my past and loves me for who I am, despite the weight problems. I've had a few false starts with the diet thing but now that I've lost 18 pounds I'm more determined than ever.

I don't think I'll be as afraid of success this time around. It's more about my health and well-being, since for the first time in my life, I already feel attractive.

[Loki's Concubine]

It's funny to read this post today. I just sat down last night and journaled a LONG entry about my fear of hitting goal weight. I've never admitted that to anyone before, not even myself. I do fear hitting my goal. I am terrified of it. I've been 'morbidly obese' all of my life, and my high weight was 367. Now I'm at 319.5 so there's a long way to go yet. But I think sometimes I sabotage myself b/c of the fear. Fear of having to live life and be independant. Fear of never having a family or love or kids. At 28 years old and never even having a date before, I don't hold out much hope of finding the 'right guy', having kids and all of that. I fear hitting goal and realizing that I waited far too long and that chance has long passed me by.

Bah, I liked the article though. It helped put into words better what I was trying to get out last night. I've also printed out worksheets from the website and will be answering them and posting them in my journal. Thanks for the info!

[cdtobehealthy]

Loki's Cocubine - Just don't ever think it is too late, okay? When you DO hit your goal weight allow yourself to be proud! Allow yourself to put your best foot forward and began your life from that point on. There is no "time limit" or "rules" for life and when you most do things.. so it is never too late. Remember that, and never let it hold you back. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to find a wonderful lover, and have a wonderful family with kids. Don't let yourself forget that. Don't let fear sabotage your happiness.

*hugs*

[jillybean720]

Originally Posted by Loki's Concubine

At 28 years old and never even having a date before, I don't hold out much hope of finding the 'right guy', having kids and all of that. I fear hitting goal and realizing that I waited far too long and that chance has long passed me by.

Loki's, why should you have to wait until you reach your goal to find the "right guy"??? I'm going to take the super-cheesy route and say you should find someone who loves you for you no matter how much you weigh! I know, I have heard this all my life and thought, "yeah right...no sane guy wants to come near me because of how I look." Then I met my current boyfriend almost a year ago online in a chat room. I had signed up on one of those free dating sites (matchdoctor.com), but I got some pretty scary responses from that. While my friends were dating in high school and college, I never hadf a real boyfriend or went out on a real date, either, so I feel your pain. It wasn't until I met Jeff (the boyfriend) that I thought anyone could love me at 300 pounds. AND now it's even better because I can lose the weight and become better while I'm with him, and I will always know that if, for some reason, I gain the weight again (which I don't plan on doing, but it is a possibility), he will still love me, since he does now. This is much less stressful than meeting someone when you're already thin and wondering how he would react of you gained weight later in the relationship (I actually have a friend whose husband said he would divorce her if she ever got too fat--what a pig!!). So, don't think it's too late. Don't give up hope. Everyone deserves love.

[Lilion]

Yes! Jillybean is absolutely right! I have a dear friend who met her husband while she was on WW. She lost 100 lbs by the time they got married. Got pregnant and settled and gained a good portion back. They are still happily together, thru thick and thin! (pun intended)

I met my DH 100 lbs ago and I was trying to lose weight THEN! Well, he's still with me and loves me...no matter what I weigh. Except for a 3 yr. period following a horrible first marriage and divorce, I've always dated and while I wasn't looking for Mr. Right, I found him!

Don't put your life on hold while you are losing weight! Live now! The fact is it's easier to lose weight when you are happy with your life.

And Loki's - about the age of 28...DON'T FREAK OUT!!! I married my first husband at 29, mostly because I didn't think anyone else would have me and I wanted a family so badly. I ended up nearly bankrupt and with a baby and the knowledge that it really, honestly is better to be alone than with the wrong person. I married my second husband five years ago, still quite shell-shocked from the first marriage. The poor man has had to put up with so much neurosis. But I am SO HAPPY finally and it took to age 36 to see it happen. So don't despair!

Lilion

[Loki's Concubine]

Thanks guys for the kind words. I hear you and know you're right. But the honest truth is it's more a problem with me rather than anyone else. Although no guys have ever been interested in me, I know there are good guys out there who don't care. But my main problem is with myself. I have such SUCH a horrible image problem and pretty low self esteem (which I have to admit is higher than I've ever had before... so it's building at least!). It's like they say, no one can really love you until you love yourself, and that's just something that I've never been able to do. I like myself more than I ever have now... which is great b/c I really hated myself for the longest times. I'm sure like a lot of us I've been the abusing, cutting, suicidal route. (Which I'm happy to say is behind me, even tho there are still bad days I do MUCH better now.)

So yep, I'm trying to keep the faith. Your posts help give me hope tho! Maybe I CAN do it, learn to love myself, find mr right (Orlando Bloom could fill that slot heh), have my family after the age of 28. THANK YOU!!