[knittymomma]

Hello All! I hope I am not invading here. I'm Jen and I'm new here. I'm only 189 but my husband is 475 lbs. He's only 25 years old so we're trying to get that weight down. We'd like to do it without surgery if at all possible. The problem is he doesn't seem motivated and everytime I try to talk to him about it even in the nicest way he thinks I am picking on him or nagging. Any of you have advice on how to motivate him? I thought I would ask someone who has his same point of view so maybe I could get advice. Again I'm sorry if I'm invading.

[thinthinker]

Hi Jen:

No invasion. But I'm not sure that I can help much. Both my husband and I are heavy and so we're just pretty tolerant of each other and don't say much.

However, my best friend's husband (she is small like you, he's large) always talks the "oh whoa is me, I can move, I can't get a job, I know my weight keeps me back". etc.

I guess I figure if he's will to talk about it, that he might be willing to do something about it, but........... he won't. No matter what I say to him, he won't try Oxycise, which is breathing exercises that you can even do sitting in your chair.

I know I'm rambling here and not helping much, but the bottom line is "you can't want it more for him than he wants it for himself." It's sad, but that statement is very true.

Does he work outside the home? Do you? My first (and probably only) suggestion would be for you to prepare food that is healthier. Cooking at home is probably one of the first and best things you can do for healthy eating.

I'm married, as I said, and I have two grown sons (23 & 25) who are still at home. When I cook right, they eat right. There's nothing I can do with the hours that they are out of the house, but when they're here for dinner or on the weekends I can pretty much control what they eat. And when I'm following MY program, they will lose too.

A couple of tips. Only cook as much as will feed your family for that meal. NO leftovers, because leftovers don't tend to be saved, they tend to be eaten.

"Plate" your meals. Leave food on the stove and put portions on plates and serve your family. Don't use serving bowls.

Make sure that you don't bring any "junk" into the house. Your kids will benefit from the decisions you both make. Buy healthy snacks that, even if they decide to have more than one, will be condusive to a better way of living.

Try to get him to up his fruits and vegetables intake. Even if he's not a real fan of vegetables, there are plenty of ways to "sneak" them in.

If you have made a huge pot of something where you will have leftovers put the extra portions away right away, before you sit down to eat.

Hope that helps some. Best wishes to you and your family. Your husband is very lucky to have a wife so willing to support him.

[Qadira]

Hi Jen! No invasion at all. Glad you came to ask.

I am the 'big one' in our family. My husband is normal sized. I'm over 300 lbs and have been on a plan for 8 weeks and I'll never go back. There is nothing my husband could have done or said to me that would have helped or encouraged me to lose weight. If he had, I would have resented it and dug my heels in. I had to do it for myself.

One thing I will say is that he loved me and supported me in whatever I chose to do. He never watched what I ate, never commented on it, he always felt sorry when I was hurting. He was always there for me. In my opinion, that's the second best thing you can do.

The first best thing is to get on with your life. If his weight keeps you both from going to the movies, go by yourself or with another friend. If it gets in the way of anything that you would do as a couple, do it alone or with someone else. You work out and keep loving him. You get down to 150 or wherever you want to be. Don't enable him and don't let his weight stop you from being your best. Most of all love him and let him know every day that you do.

One day, he'll (hopefully) realize how much of life he's missing out on and he'll make the decision for himself. That's the only way I could have ever done it.

If you and your husband talk about this openly and without stress, you might ask him to make a list of why he would want to lose weight (see my thread in this forum 'Why do you want to be a loser'. That motivates me every day.

Good luck and good thoughts to you both.

[howie6267]

Hi I was pointed to this thread because of someone seeing the weight I had lost and thought I might have some advise.

He is going to be very sensitive to your sugestions because he probably thinks you don't like the way he looks as he is. You will just have to love him as is and not push him to lose. Weight loss has to be his choice and when he dedicdes to do that he will do it.

The best thing you can do is to be a good example. If he sees you eating right and sees you continue to lose he will more and likely follow. My wife and I are both losing. However she struggled for the last 7 month and has not lost much at all. While I have stayed steady and lost 86 lbs. She is very proud of me and is now trying much harder because she does not want to be left behind in the weight loss. She also knows I will love her if she stays this weight or gains more. Skinny does not equal love. Make sure he knows that.

So my advice to you is if your the one who does the shoping and the cooking then do it healthy. That way if he wants the junk food he has to get it on his own.

Now if he is asking for help and he wants someone to talk to I would be more than glad to be a friend. That is my main goal. To lose this weight and be able to help people do the same.

[ageoldie]

Ohhhh Jen, I understand fully what you are going through. Been there, done that, lived throught it, and doing it again!!! My husband has alway been "big" even in the 5th grade he had to play on the 7th grade football team because of his weight. I was "normal" size. I never will forget one person telling me before we got married,"I hate to see you marry him because you'll end up getting just as fat as he is!" HA I said, never!!! Well forty years (actually only 39) here I am at almost 300 pounds and struggling every step of the way.

We've spent our entire married life on one diet or another, We'd go on it, then off then on another one, then off each time gaining more weight back than we lost.

After years of this his health deteriated, and finally about 3 years ago his doctor told him he had no choice, either have WLS or die. He chose surgery and at the time he went into surgery he weighed 566 pounds, he how weighs about 350. It was not easy for either of us, and to top it all off he had complications about 3 months after surgery and almost died, but he did it, and he feels better now than he has in many years. But after all that, he is slowly gaining weight again. He follows none of the rules that a by pass patient is supposed to follow. He had none of the "symptoms" of the surgery that's supposed to keep you from eating the foods you are not supposed to eat, dumping etc. The only saving grace is that he is now able to exercise again and is doing that. That is keeping him from regain all he lost.

I guess I said all of that to say that there is absolutely noting you can do, except as the others have said Take care of yourself"I know a supersized big mac w/large fries would really be good for supper, but that's not what YOUneed. Take it from one who knows. (and I didn't even get started on all the emotional stuff of having the weight fall off him while you are struggling to lose an ounce, and everyone ohhhing and ahhhing about how good he looks!)

WOW I did get off on a tangent here didn't I? Sorry, but you asked!!! Anyway, I do love him dearly big, small or anywhere inbetween, and he knows that, and once again he's working to get back down to his after surgery low. Just for the record here are his "before" and "After" pictures. These were his "official" pictures for our church directory 2 years apart

[cdtobehealthy]

It's really sometimes something that you can't change - you can't do without hurting him a bit. I always suggest not using words - but just doing. Find things he enjoys to do that is active and do them with him. Try to get him to go out more. I know how hard it is to get many overweight people to be like that - i was very anti-social and never wanted to get out. But really if you make the 'exercise" and the healthy eating seem fun and normal and not so much about "losing weight" but more about just doing it.. sometimes it helps a lot.

I hope that helps some I have some-what the same problem with my brother. He is much larger than me and we live together, and for a long time he wouldn't change any of his habits. He still won't though he is trying slowly. Sometimes they just need a nudging from a doctor or they just need to do it on their own. Just always make sure you are fully supportive of their actions and continously aware of the sensitive feelings that comes with being so obese.

I wish you the best of luck.