Hi everyone,
I'm new here, though I have been lurking here for the past week.
I was wondering if any of you run into issues with your friends, regarding your weight loss successes? One of my close friend's is just being ridiculous about this, I just don't get it - friends are supposed to be their for positive encouragement. Here's a little info on me before we get started.
I'm 23, 5' 1" and my current weight is 128. Back in high school, I wouldn't say I was overweight, I weighed in around 114, but there was still room for improvement - I never had a nicely toned tummy & my love handles sure needed work. Well, over the last few years I dealed with some depression & gained quite a bit of weight- which can be rather scarey when you weren't always on the 'big' side. I ballooned up to 160 lbs, which is quite a bit of weight on a small frame. I started watching what I ate (and drank) January of '04, since then I have lost 32 pounds, bringing me to my current weight. One of my biggest problems, which got me to my high weight, was I was eating way too late at night & I also ate when I wasn't hungry (mostley when bored). Just picking up on some of these bad habits & eliminating them, are some of the main reasons why I was able to loose this weight.
Now, back to the friend. We've been friends for close to 12 years, going back to elementary school. She's always been rather heavy & her weight continues to climb every year. Not to sound mean or anything, but she has a rather "lazy" attitude about weight loss - she doesn't try, and has about zero motivation. She seems to have rather unrealistic views about weight loss, she doesn't seem to think counting calories is neccessary nor increasing activity levels.
My goal weight is to be around 105, which is healthy for my height & my small bone frame. It will put me exactley where I want to be, body wise, because I know at that weight my love handles & stomache size will be optimal to my liking.
This is what I don't get...She knacks at my weight loss goal & says it's unrealistic. Not only that, she's more destructive than constructive conserning my weight loss. She's always making comments if I don't eat when she's eating (I have learned now to only eat when my body tells me I'm hungery, not just eat for the sake of having something to do). Hurtful comments to, asking if I'm annorexic now or something, just because I may not be hungery when she is...what is up with this? What, because I'm trying to get down to a healthly weight & be compfortable in this body - all of a sudden I have some kind of eating disorder? I don't know, I guess it really pisses me off...If we ever go out for lunch I get all these raggety comments just because I ordered a salad - isn't that part of living a healthy lifestyle?
Are my goals really that far fetched? Do any of you have weight loss sabotagers, from the people that should be supporting you?
I think everybody has at least one sabateur in their life. When you are focusing on losing weight, your mindset changes. And for people who are losing a significant amount of weight, THEY are changing. Someone that goes from weighing 300 lbs. to 140 lbs. isn't the same person anymore, they've changed their outlook on life and their priorities, what they do with their free time and how they organize their schedules. They don't see the world through the same eyes. This transformation can be scary for those closest to those people - someone that they once knew is now a totally different person. I think it's important that we talk to these people about why we are making the changes we are making and let them know that you are still the same person in many ways, really, in most ways. Some people will be able to accept that (even if it does take time), perhaps others won't. Unfortunately, you'll have to make that decision whether or not that person will have a place in your new life. If they can't be supportive of you being the healthiest, happiest you, then maybe you do need to let them go, or give them parameters for your interactions that you feel comfortable with.
As for your goal weight, it seems reasonable for a small-framed, young, petite woman. At 128, you are just within the range of "healthy" weights for your height according to most weight charts. 105 will probably be a difficult goal to achieve, but there is nothing wrong with having high goals, as long as you realize that it's not the end of the world if you end up weighing 111 lbs., not 105. You're friend is probably just worried about you, and maybe a little jealous too. Maybe the two of you should have a heart-to-heart.
Hey Summer -
Welcome to the board and congratulations on your weight loss so far! I think your situation is not that unusual and I agree a lot with what Jen said. You have had to make some changes to your lifestyle over the last year in order to keep off the weight, and you know what your body needs to be healthy. Some of the things you used to do with your friends, like going out to eat or binging on junk food, are now nonexistant. I would bet your friend feels jealous because she hasn't seen results like you have, and she's probably a little resentful that you've lost weight a healthy way so she's trying to make you feel guilty.
I don't think your goals are far fetched, but like Jen said, don't be upset if you can't completely reach your goal weight. Also, if you're exercising and building muscle, you may even tone up those areas you're worried about without shedding the pounds, and that's okay too!! I would sit down and talk to your friend before you do anything to your friendship. Explain to her what you're doing to lose weight, about the choices you've made, and tell her that having support makes things easier. She may come around once she realizes you've been hurt by her comments.
Thanks Jen & Aimless,
Yeah I've tried explaining myself to her, and why loosing this weight is important to me - but it really hasn't sunk in with her. When I started this weight loss mission I invited her to join but she kept making excuses & usually declined my offer for afternoon walks. Perhaps she doesn't understand since she's never really tried to loose the extra weight she has - because it can be difficult & hard to gather motivation if you've never really tried to lose weight - it's not really gratifying until you start seeing results. I think I'm done explaining myself, maybe she'll start changing her mind once she realizes this is the new me, and I'm not going back to my old ways.
You both are right about the goal weight - that is just a general goal though. It's very possible I will get to 110, or 115 & I will stick with that, as long as my problem areas- are no longer problem areas! I also realize that muscle weighs more than fat, so it's very possible to be a higher weight yet have the exact toning I'm looking for.
I realize this is going to be a tough one, and the work's going to get harder from here. I hit a "plateau" & was maintaining at 135 for at least a month, but thank the lord (and this is the only time I'll be happy about it!) I got sick, which helped me drop a few extra pounds & get over that plataue. I also realize that most of the weight I am going to encounter from this point on, are more than likley going to be stubborn pounds- but I am more than willing to do the work to get to where I need to be. For me, there really is no going back, the weight loss so far for me has just been so gratifying, it's a big confideince booster when you realize that this is something you have done all on your own & you have beaten the odds.
Thanks for the help, and I'm hoping that she just needs more time to adjust- maybe she will eventually come around & join me on my journey & turn it into her own success.
as far as your goal weight, i think that it is probably reasonable if you have a petite frame. muscle weighs more than fat, so you may find that as you work out more, you may like your body at a higher weight.
i have dealt with problems with friends on many different levels... i have friends with eating disorders, friends who dont care about diet and exercise, friends who "normal" about it, everything. i have found that the best way to keep friendships going is to try to stay away from topics or situation that may cause stress. like, if your friend gives you a hard time about not eating what she is, then dont go out to eat with her. go to the movies instead. i agree with the other girls... it seems like she is jealous and thinks that once you hit your goal, she won't be as good as you. people tend to be friends with others like them and if someone changes, they go out of their "comfort zone."
i think you're doing a great job to make yourself healthy and if it turns out that she is going to be so unsupportive, you may have to spend less time with her. good luck!!
Summer - it's pretty normal i think for people to be competitive and also to feel afraid of being left behind by their friends who are making lifestyle changes that put them "ahead" of where they see themselves. Fear of change is a really basic human response. It sounds like you have your head screwed on right and are making really sensible decisions for yourself. Well done!
I think most people have to deal with family/friends who negative reactions to their decision to make their lives healthier. You're not alone!
Hey Summer, I think it adds up given your friend status that she would be unsupportive or critical. I think it's most likely that she's not insulting you to be rude, but because she is uncomfortable with herself and sees your success as another reminder that she really does need to work at it if she's going to do anything about her weight. You say that she's rather unrealistic about weight loss, but that might be a cover. she's probably struggling with it a lot more than she lets on. From what you've posted, it seems that you're losing weight at a healthy and realistic pace, so her comments about anorexia are completely unnecessary and rude. If she really thought you had an eating disorder, she wouldn't be so callous in bringing it up. Some people are really difficult to deal with, and it's frustrating and sad when a friend can't be supportive in something so important to you, but sometimes it's just best to avoid sensitive issues. You might try saying something like "maybe you don't approve of what I'm doing, but it's my body and I don't appreciate you making comments like that."
I dunno. It's tough to deal with, but I think the above posters are right... we all have people in our life who on some level want to sabotoge our weight loss efforts. My best friend, who is 5'2 and 115 or so with an adorable little figure, constantly comes over and says "wanna pig out with me?" becuase when we met, that's what we did together constantly (her version of "pig out" completley different than mine, of course! ha) I've explained to her that I'm trying to make some changes and she's very supportive but sometimes she just slips up and I can't really blame her. Oh well. So I can't say I completely empathize with you, but I hope your friend lightens up soon. It's really too bad when close friends act like that, but tehre's only so much we can do. btw, welcome and congrats on your loss. :0
Thanks everyone for your encouragement & reaspons...I realize I sure typed a lot for you to read, so I really thank you all for devoting some time to read through it all. After reading your responses then it would make lots of sense to gather that she sees this as her weakness to - hence the reason for her unsupportive attitude. I guess I was just assuming that she would understand my needs since she has to deal with weight issues herself.
I know she's not happy with her body, but I think I can safely say that she has never actually tried to loose the weight (no diet changes, no fitness changes), so I wouldn't say she's "struggled" with weight loss issues - just weight issues in general. I'm not sure, I guess I didn't see it before as a comfort factor - just because back in high school & middle school I ran cross country for years & was very active fitness wise, so I was mostly in shape in our earlier friendship years. But, perhaps she got more compfortable when I gained the weight - and maybe now she sees it like I'm taking away something we have in common.
Hopefully she'll come around, if not then I'll have to reduce our get togethers. I can handle criticism pretty well, but if it's an "option" on wether or not I have to endure it, then I'd rather not waste my time on something so childish.
Thanks again for helping, and congrats to all of you on your current weight loss successes! I'm looking forward to "losing" with all of you!
Dealing with Friends & Weight Loss
