[jail4mother1000years]

Oh well. My username is referencing a meme, specifically this meme:

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General trigger warning for discussion of violence below, please don't read further if you're sensitive to these things.

I haven't used a forum like this in a while. I began losing weight in a concerted effort in November 2019. I'm a little over halfway to my goal now. Well, technically I'm 60% of the way there. I'm not sure if this forum has the support that I'm looking for but maybe I'll just post about it and someone might see it and offer advice.

In the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015, a lot of really bad things happened to me all at once. I have always been overweight, even as a little girl, but it was around this time that I was sexually assaulted. There were other factors that led to a significant weight gain, but I think it's the assault that is causing my current mental block. I'm right around the 200 lb mark right now. I dip below the mark for a few days, but usually I gain a few pounds back. I think about it a lot and I'm really scared to be in the weight range that begins with a 1. I was thinking about why and I know that I am not insulated from assault no matter what size I am. But that isn't really helping me right now. My brain is like, "look you were already raped so it shouldn't really matter what you do." Kind of callous, and not advice that I would give to a friend. And it's not helping me either.

I am curious if other people have been through this block and what it took to get over this block. I also know that this is a sensitive subject. I wouldn't share about it myself except that my username is anonymous and it can't be traced back to me in person.

[auntiroh]

Wow, jail4mother1000years, you are one strong person. I was raped at gunpoint when I was 19 . . . I am 60 now, and believe me, you can get through this. I sort of had a support system (someone to tell, though they weren't all that supportive). Maybe this isn't the best time for you to focus on weight? Maybe you need to heal a bit? But whatever you do, you should 1) make sure you see a doctor and 2) do whatever you can to love yourself.

I did two things that helped: I left town, and I got a new job. I also started to run. Weird reaction -- I have no idea why I did that. Anyway, I got thin and stayed that way through my 20s, and then gained about 90 pounds when I hurt my back. I held on to that weight for about 20 years and finally started losing some about 5 years ago . . . first 20, then another 20, now another 10.

Over the years I've had cancer and diabetes. You can get through this. It will pass. Love yourself unconditionally. More power to you.