[Mare12345]

Hey All,

Not really sure where to begin.. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was bullied really bad in grade school and throughout high school for it. I crash dieted going into my senior year of high school and got all the way down to 130 pounds, and finally everyone backed off and some actually treated me like a person.
Not to get too personal but I also grew up in a really dysfunctional alcoholic home.
I was able to keep a healthy weight, but over the last 2 years I have ballooned up to 240 pounds.
A lot of it started from working jobs where I'd be on my feet all day, to then getting a desk job where I have to sit all day.
Another thing that has contributed probably the most is the fact that I am also an alcoholic.
The drinking has been really heavy since I was 20. Fast forward to now where I'm 28, have high liver enzymes, high blood pressure, and am severely overweight. (I didn't know about these health problems until recently; my job had a health screening to lower our health insurance premiums....)
I've been to rehab and AA but still keep coming back to my old ways.
When I'm not drinking I overeat. And a lot of times when I'm drunk(always after work) I also manage to eat a ton and have no memory of it until I see what's in the garbage the next day.
Either way if i'm sober or not the food is also a problem.
I have no problem eating healthy; it's the alcohol that is my biggest problem.
Today for the first time in years I did not stop and get my typical 2 bottles of wine, or 12 pack of beer after work. I got a pain iced tea from starbucks and went home. I live by myself and from what my family thinks, I'm doing great. I don't have any friends; I'm a bit of a loner and I love to drink alone. I have no problem being by myself.
This is how serious I am. I know what I need to do but then this all goes crashing down if I have a bad day (which lately happens a lot more than lately.)
It's not that I'm depressed either. A majority of why I drink is anxiety related. I only feel sad lately because of the looks I get when I visit my family, or certain coworkers at work who look me up and down to compare themselves to me to feel better about themselves.
Sorry to pour all of this out, I just feel like I need to talk to someone about this (and i'm done with counselors, they have been nothing but judgmental and have 0 empathy.)
Can anyone relate?
(also please if you are going to offer advice, please don't be judgmental. Thanks)

[Pipsicle]

I think many of us can relate probably more than we'd like to admit. In particular, I relate to the bit about counselors. Your stop at Starbucks was great and a success. Here's to many more! Is there anything that helps reduce the anxiety besides alcohol? Is there a place of support that feels comfortable to you (e.g. AA)? For what it is worth, I am sorry to hear you were bullied and had to grow up with so much dysfunction. That should never happen to anyone.

[hummingbird lady]

It's great that you're reaching out and looking for support here! And that you've begun the journey of change towards your own health.

I agree that probably many of us can relate to the isolation and struggle that you're experiencing. Addiction is so hard to break free from. It seems like you're going to need support to remain alcohol-free, like AA or something like that, because will power alone isn't usually enough for most people.

Dysfunctional families teach us that we are all on our own with our problems, but we're not, really, and we have to remember that and make the connections to others. I would encourage you to keep reaching out and finding support as you go through this, online and in your real life. Your life is precious.

Blessings to you

[nancylmrn]

mare, you and I have soo much in common regarding alcohol and food. Feel free to PM with me I would love to chat but not in an open forum

Nancy