Sorry I have been absent the last few months. I have been injured and busy with work. As a result, my weightloss has suffered, particularly given the stress I have been under.
There have been a few big changes that have happened in my life since I last posted. The biggest of which is a new job, that will see me move almost 10 hours from my family, hence the title of my question.
My mother is not coping. 2 of my other siblings have also recently and suddenly moved away too, almost as far as I am going. I leave in the New Year. I am worried she is becoming depressed.
My mother goes between being ecstatic at the new opportunity I have been given that will really further my career, and being in floods of tears about me leaving, to the point where she makes me feel so guilty about it, it makes me second-guess my decision to take work so far from home.
I guess my question is how can I make this easier on my mother? She is a really lonely person, she doesn't have a social life, she just works, and we are her whole world. What can I do to make this transition easier for her?
My final question is advice for myself. How can I make this transition easier for myself? And how can I approach/address the situation when my mother puts a guilt trip on me for leaving? She can be so negative and nasty about it, it makes me cry! Especially when she tries to bring my partner into it, when he is moving with me! This is just getting really hard.
As I said before, my weightloss has completely stalled, the stress I have been under has been ridiculous, I have been on the verge of a mental breakdown for the last couple of months, however everything is getting better now. I just wish my mother would be more supportive.
The rest of my family has been incredibly supportive which really helps. Any advice would be really appreciated. I am feeling a bit lost with the way my mother has been reacting, so polar opposite. The guilt is really eating at me.
I'm not a mother, but I did go through this with my dad, who got so upset at the idea of us leaving (90 minutes away for college, lol) that he'd be mean to us the whole summer before going to cope. Basically, my method was just to ignore him when he is being dramatic, and enthusiastic when he's supportive, to reinforce the behavior you want. I know that sounds like dog training, but it does work for people too. If she's being guilt trippy, don't talk to her. You might try the route of telling her that it is hard for you to, and you'd like this time together to be happy, but depending on her personality type it may be better just to implement without warning so she can't argue with you.
It's clear you care about your mother, and I'm sure that means a great deal to her. I can think of two basic approaches to making this transition easier for her.
One is to encourage her to take more care of her mental wellness and to facilitate that any way you can. If you think she could use a therapist and she is open to the suggestion, help her find one that she feels comfortable with. If not, there are plenty of ways for her to become more socially active and that will help her too. Are there any social groups, causes, or hobbies she could get involved with? Would she consider yoga? Are there any after-work activities she could join at her company? Even online communities or games might be a possibility. Is she in a stable relationship? If so, maybe her partner (I'm kindof assuming it's your dad) can help with some couples activities (and if not, then maybe you could help her get involved with dating again).
The other approach I can think of is to make it even more clear to her that she means a lot to you, both before you leave and after. Let her know that even though this is a fantastic opportunity for you, you are really sad about moving away from her and it's the one thing that gave you second thoughts. Ask for her help and opinion about aspects of your move (where to live, any new household items, etc). Ask if she would mind if you sent her IMs or snapchats during the day. Set up some apps for her if she doesn't already use them. When you do leave, send those snapshats and IMs so that she feels you are still a parts of each others' lives. Let her know she is welcome to visit you. Also, if you can, continue to look for and suggest activities (even one-offs like facebook events you run across) that she might enjoy.
Change can bring opportunity. If you can help your mother to spread her focus on more people and activities, that will be healthy for her and she will be better off in the long run than if she relied on her children. I know you said you feel guilty but you should feel good that you are thinking about her welfare and looking for ways to help her. I'm sorry this has been so hard on you.
It could also help to teach her to SKYPE before you leave. Perhaps a nearby sibling could help her get into using a computer. The web in an infinite source of entertainment.
Good luck. You owe it to yourself to go forward with your life.
Thanks so much to everyone who has commented. My parents are still together, however my father works late nights sometimes, and the closest sibling to my parents is 2 hours away. She is a really lonely and anti social person. I am going to teach her to use Skype before I leave, however she mistrusts the internet, so wont use Facebook or any other form of media that involves talking to people she doesn't know online.
I think the thing that has been the hardest for her with me leaving is that I have been her gym buddy for the last 12 months. It took me ages to convince her into going, and she has really enjoyed it. She really doesn't want me to leave and doesn't know if she will enjoy the gym without me. She never takes care of herself, she puts everyone else before her, even if it is to her detriment.
I am really worried about her. Where I am living is not just 10 minutes down the road. She carried on like this a bit when I went to college but it wasn't this bad. Out of the 3 of us who are moving away, I am the one who is copping it the most. She told me that my grandmother was lucky because 2 of her children are still living in the same town as she is, and she (my mother) wont have that luxury because all of her children have left her.
The truth is, I am really excited about the opportunity. I wish it could have occurred closer to my hometown, however it wasn't to be. I am finding it really hard to be sympathetic and patient with my mother because she seen first hand, how I was treated and the huge mental and emotional toll it has taken on me. She knows that this move means financial security and that my partner will be home every night, rather than travelling the 2 hours to and from work. We can plan a wedding, buy a house, get a dog, things that I have always wanted to do, yet she cant be happy for me, even when I say that to her.
My father on the other hand, is completely thrilled. He knows how hard I have worked and what I have been through and has been so supportive. He thinks my mother is being ridiculous and unfair. Both my parents and my partners parents have been really involved in the whole move process, they have been to look at houses with us, seen the area, came with me when I had an interview, etc. I am supposed to be out helping her cook for Christmas now, and I don't want to, she is just being mean.
We had a bit of a farewell party on the weekend. My mother started off ok, then go ridiculously drunk. She seems a little better for it though. It has been a couple of days since the party, and she has been much more supportive. Is it the calm before the storm or is she coming around to the idea?
In need of a mother's advice about my mother
