So my boyfriend - who if we had the money would already be married because I know he's the one... But there's one HUGE issue and I just don't know how to address it.. I'm trying my hardest to lose weight but the harder I work at it, the harder he works at pushing me back in the opposite direction. (I'm technically obese so I've got a ways to go) Last week I started Jogging (couch to 5k) & that's when all of a sudden it's I'm bringing home pizza, & hey what do you want for lunch Chinese food? & is there a local diner? I wonder where ihop is?
When we have gone months without going to a restaurant or ordering food but now I'm kicking it up to jogging and so he kicks it up a level too. And I'm so weak, I'll say no but he knows all he has to do is say it out loud and the the thought is in my head and so then I'll change my mind and say yes. I'm trying so hard.. Why can't he help me? And I've said multiple times bringing junk home is not supportive. Your not supporting my weight loss, so he will go a few days without saying anything and he will bring home fruit and he will say yes I am being supportive and he will occasionally talk about some fitness thing like he's helping me when really behind it all he's sabotaging my every step of progress. I'm drowning. I don't know how to get him to listen... And stop. He's who I want! And if its because once I get super skinny he thinks I'll want someone else he's crazy, just because my body changes doesn't mean my mind and heart will.. I love him, he's THE ONLY guy who's ever truly understood me. Help! How do I make him understand & listen & get him to truly start supporting me?
I'm not a relationship expert by any means, but have you actually told him what you mean by support? Really spell it out for him, do this, don't do this, etc. If he is really a good guy and it is just ignorance, that should help him. If he really wants to sabotage you, you have other, deeper problems. Does he like you fatter? Is it because someone in his past got fit and then cheated on him? You'll have to dig into this. There really aren't any magic words to make this right, but I hope you can get through to him.
You guys really need to sit down and talk. I doubt that he is sabotaging you on purpose, but is just being a dopey guy. Eating out is rough especially in the beginning of a weight loss journey or lifestyle change, but explain that if he really needs to, maybe have him think about a place where there are healthy alternatives. This is still really tough bc it take a goo a amount of time before you can really say no to pizza and yes to salad when the smell of pizza is in the air. keep repeating your talks until it is drilled in. Also stay strong. This support site is incredibly helpful. When I wasn't getting the support I needed at home, I was on this site all the time. It was very helpful.
I'm not a relationship expert by any means, but have you actually told him what you mean by support? Really spell it out for him, do this, don't do this, etc. If he is really a good guy and it is just ignorance, that should help him. If he really wants to sabotage you, you have other, deeper problems. Does he like you fatter? Is it because someone in his past got fit and then cheated on him? You'll have to dig into this. There really aren't any magic words to make this right, but I hope you can get through to him.
I've said "don't bring home junk food, it's like bringing home poison, your poisoning me when you bring that sh*t into this hous" & "I'm trying really hard to lose weight and I really need help if I'm going to be successful this means your help and support & I feel like your totally not - your fattening me!!" So I mean yeah. But is there something else I should say
You guys really need to sit down and talk. I doubt that he is sabotaging you on purpose, but is just being a dopey guy. Eating out is rough especially in the beginning of a weight loss journey or lifestyle change, but explain that if he really needs to, maybe have him think about a place where there are healthy alternatives. This is still really tough bc it take a goo a amount of time before you can really say no to pizza and yes to salad when the smell of pizza is in the air. keep repeating your talks until it is drilled in. Also stay strong. This support site is incredibly helpful. When I wasn't getting the support I needed at home, I was on this site all the time. It was very helpful.
On my own I can go days & weeks without eating junk, on days he has to work I go all day with only eating the bare minimum & following my diet foods, it's him when he's home putting suggestions into my head and trust me in the past year we've ordered out like twice and that's because they were holidays, now I start running and he's wanting to order in every day.. The harder I work and the more I lose the more junk he starts to bring home from the grocery store... He's definitely doing it on purpose - this is fact. (Also he's totally not dopey he's very perceptive on everything it's a lil irritating sometimes lol.)
I have discovered one big thing on my path to reduce my weight - I have to be okay surrounded by temptations and learn to live with it. Sure, if the BF keeps things out of the house or doesn't want to eat out for a while, it might be easier for you now, but when you get to your goal, do you expect him to never have the goodies and take out? You may just gain the weight back if that is the plan. Perhaps - if you consider this a gift to cement your determination, it might help with the relationship and prevent you regaining the weight.
I am working to reduce my weight - the rest of my family is not. They are not the ones with the problem and I don't expect them to change just because I decided to change what and how I eat. As the saying goes - you cannot control other people, but you can control how you react to them.
I have discovered one big thing on my path to reduce my weight - I have to be okay surrounded by temptations and learn to live with it. Sure, if the BF keeps things out of the house or doesn't want to eat out for a while, it might be easier for you now, but when you get to your goal, do you expect him to never have the goodies and take out? You may just gain the weight back if that is the plan. Perhaps - if you consider this a gift to cement your determination, it might help with the relationship and prevent you regaining the weight.
I am working to reduce my weight - the rest of my family is not. They are not the ones with the problem and I don't expect them to change just because I decided to change what and how I eat. As the saying goes - you cannot control other people, but you can control how you react to them.
Very true and thank you. But my issue is the battle he's purposely fighting against me. I literally just went to my dresser to get socks (& we have separate dressers) and I found a coupon for buy 2 get 1 free pizzas. Really?!??! We keep all our coupons in the kitchen but this one somehow ended up on top of my dresser??? He's like waging war going out of his way to shove this stuff in my face. Even with junk food it's easier to maintain the same weight but it's impossible to lose weight. So once I lose the weight I'll lay off with the bringing the junk home. Plus I gave him his own cabinet to keep his junk food & snacks in & told him to just not let me see it & to pick snacks that he loves but knows I don't like, but he doesn't follow that request either.
If what you say it true - the problem isn't that he is not supporting you, it sounds like he is trying to sabotage you. If that is the case, you may want to reconsider if this is really "the one." Good luck in your journey.
Sounds to me like you're just trying to blame someone else for their role in your weight. Why do you expect someone to follow all these rules about what snacks to buy, where to keep them, to tell them to buy snacks that you don't like etc? You can't control what someone else does and you certainly can't control what they eat.
There is however a downfall to dieting which I'm sure everyone has fallen into the black hole of dieting - you cut out food you enjoy and it suddenly makes you crave it more and more. It's pure biology, your body craves what you don't allow it to have. It could be that your immersion into diet mentality is activating his response to dieting. Dieting works for a while and then it turns into binging. This is the number one reason why diets do not work, and will never work, no matter how much "motivation" you have or how long and hard you search for the "right diet." Only 5% of dieters keep the weight off after the 5yr mark. That means 95% of dieters gain the weight back and are even heavier than before they starter. Cold hard facts that everyone chooses to ignore.
If you choose to join the 5% then you'll have to do it the way they all did - by buckling down and being on a diet forever. That means you'll have to let go of all expectations and rely solely on your own self. You don't get a support system, you don't get to control how and what your boyfriend eats, and you don't get to to dictate what foods he likes or doesn't like.
Also, being married does not cost a lot if you go to city hall. In fact being married can save you a lot of money in taxes. It's weddings that cost a lot, not getting married.
Last edited by Palestrina; 08-30-2016 at 10:05 AM.
Couldn't you allow yourself one cheat meal a week? If you're developing new healthy eating habits and the majority of your food is healthy and low fat, why not just make the decision to have one take out a week, or one restaurant meal a week, that way he gets to enjoy meals out etc with you, and you can enjoy the "unhealthy" food knowing that it's only one meal per week.
Never having anything "nice" or "naughty" is a really tough choice to make, "forever is a mighty long-time..." Maybe your BF would be more helpful and supportive if he had a treat every week to look forward to sharing with you?
Hope you reach your weight loss goal, and that you keep "THE ONE" 😊💐💖
Sally xx
I've said "don't bring home junk food, it's like bringing home poison, your poisoning me when you bring that sh*t into this house"
Could this be part of the problem? I wouldn't feel good if my partner in life tore down my food choices and called them poison and sh*t. And my guess is he loves you and certainly doesn't feel like he's poisoning you or himself.
I have an insulin problem. I spent my first 30+ years being quite skinny, but children and sleep deprivation took their toll and my insulin issues began affecting my weight negatively. No blood test has ever agreed, but once I realized that when I eat sweets and bread, it makes me physically crave more sweets and more bread AS WELL AS making me physically hungry, I have returned to a much healthier weight.
We have five kids. There are LOTS of sweets and bread in our house ALL THE TIME. My husband and I go out to eat about once a week. And I'm able to keep my weight under control (though I lack the motivation ever to be truly thin again) because I know FOR ME, I have to keep refined carbs in perspective. I can have them, but I have to realize there will be a physical ramification later (hunger, cravings).
Soooo, figure out what works for you. You can probably still make choices that will work in a long term eating plan even if your boyfriend is not making choices that work for you. My house would be a battlefield and with two teenage boys we would be in bankruptcy court if I began calling the loaf of bread and peanut butter on the counter poison and sh*t. It's not worth it to me personally to eat that stuff, but my boys practically live on it. With school and fall sports starting up, life gets busy and I know quite well what I can eat from all the different takeout places. (A lot of times it's as simple as removing the bun and eating your burger with a fork). My guess is you can find choices that fit your plan too.
Also, maybe try keeping some frozen food on hand that you can eat in a pinch. I keep frozen chicken and broccoli meals that can be nuked in 3 minutes. YOU CAN DO THIS - your boyfriend's food choices may not be for you (at least not in large quantities), but they're not his poison either.
I've said "don't bring home junk food, it's like bringing home poison, your poisoning me when you bring that sh*t into this hous" & "I'm trying really hard to lose weight and I really need help if I'm going to be successful this means your help and support & I feel like your totally not - your fattening me!!" So I mean yeah. But is there something else I should say
Speaking from experience, you might try changing the way you approach this topic because it sounds like you're attacking him instead of telling him how you feel. I don't know about your boyfriend, but if I ever speak to my boyfriend that way (and sometimes I do, not on purpose -- I have issues with mood swings sometimes and sometimes he gets in the line of fire lol) then he just doesn't listen to me and reacts just as harshly as I am being towards him.
You might try explaining to your boyfriend that while eating out every now and then is okay, eating out all the time isn't really conducive to your efforts to lose weight, so while he can eat out all he wants to, you're not always going to participate. Just make him aware that you're not going to eat that way no matter what he does, and then if he pitches a fit about it, then you know he's got an issue with you losing weight. But don't attack him or point fingers or make strong accusations. The thing is, he can cheer you on when you do well and be the shoulder you cry on when you're struggling. But you can't expect him to change his habits just because you changed yours. That's an unrealistic expectation.
And just so you know, you can eat out and eat healthy. Get a personal sized, thin crust veggie pizza or if it's chinese, order veggie-heavy options and go light on the sauces and skip the fried rice. Ihop? They have "Fit and Fresh" options on the menu and your meal can be less than 600 calories depending on what you get. Trust me, I love going out to eat so I'm gonna find ways to make it work for me. I'm not giving up on life just because I'm trying to lose weight! Not saying you are of course, thats just me.
If it were me, I think I would be very direct and ask him why he is trying to sabotage your weight loss. It DOES sound intentional, like he is bringing things into the house more than he has before. Is he insecure about you looking and feeling better? Why?
The good news is, if you can work through this together, your relationship will be stronger than ever!
Xoxox 247 First I want to start by saying good luck on your lifestyle change because that's what it is. I've learned from experience that if I'm not mentally ready to change how I eat/exercise any thing could temp me. When I was mentally ready someone could have brought in a cake and donuts in the house (2 of my favorite things lol) and I wouldn't have touched it.
I just really think that you have to be ready to change your life and what your boyfriends does won't even phase you. Like another poster mentioned keep salad/veggies or some frozen meals in the house. Make healthy choices for yourself and maybe once he sees that you are serious about changing your life, he'll want to live that way too. Good luck to you. If you ever need someone to talk to you can send me a PM.
Coming from a male perspective, I've known men who when they see their girlfriend or wife making an effort to get in shape it makes them (the men) nervous. I'm not saying that he is necessarily this type of guy. However, men CAN get intimidated by their woman if she's suddenly starting to get healthier and look better. Their men feel like they'll either have to 1) Get in shape themselves even if they really don't want to, and/or 2) Start getting jealous and change in behavior because again, the woman is starting to look fresh to death and is getting more attention. Relationships have fallen because of jealousy due to someone who is insecure with themselves. Especially, when the other person is getting in better shape. As a man who is very involved in fitness, if my woman is in better shape than me? More power to her! That means I need to step up. I'm secure enough with myself to not become jealous or intimidated. Not all guys are like that, though.
Completely Unsupportive Boyfriend
