Excuses, Excuses -- Trying to diet with people who don't want to diet -- Rant
For as long as I have known her, I have a friend who has been trying to lose weight. She goes through phases where she is diligent and loses 50 lbs, and then phases where she gains 40 of it back. Over the last 3 years, we have been both working on our fitness and health through diet and exercise, and while we both have times where we slack off and re-gain etc. I feel like she never takes responsibility for her slacking off or re-gaining and lately it has been driving me crazy.
For a long time she has claimed that her weight issues are related to metabolism and thyroid problems. After literally 2 years of complaining about this, she finally went to a doctor to see if there was some medication or dietary changes she could make to "fix" her metabolism/thyroid. The result -- there is nothing medically wrong with her. She went and got a second opinion with the same result. It has been 3 months since then, and she is still claiming that both doctors are wrong and that she is getting a third opinion once she finds a doctor she can trust.
On top of that, she regularly claims that she eats less than the average person and exercises more (even making direct comparisons to how much I eat and exercise) and that she just can't lose the weight, and I just don't buy it. I measure all of my food, I find that it is the best way to keep me accountable for how much I am putting in my body. I mentioned this and she told me that she has been cooking for so long that she can just easily eye-ball a cup, tablespoon, etc. she counts calories based on these portions and will claim she worked out for 2 hours, burning 1500 cals (based on what the treadmill said, and estimating for times when she wasn't on the treadmill) and only ate 1200 calories and then gained weight -- this makes no sense.
There is constant complaints of not having time to always work out or to fix healthy meals -- which I get, we all have those days, but I feel like "not having the time" is really just an excuse -- you make time for the things that are important to you (in my opinion).
It's getting really hard because weight and fitness is all she ever wants to talk about and it is so negative and I feel like I have to hide any successes I have or down play my exercise/eating habits so that it doesn't turn into "I don't understand how you keep losing weight and I'm not" or "well I would do that if I had more free time but I'm just SO busy" etc.
Sorry for the rant, but does anyone else run into this? I used to think dieting/exercising with a friend would make it easier but now I feel like it's making it much harder.
Sorry for the rant, but does anyone else run into this? I used to think dieting/exercising with a friend would make it easier but now I feel like it's making it much harder.
You're right that it doesn't make sense and it doesn't sound like she's taking responsibility for her own life and choices. But she needs to come to that on her own. I highly doubt anything you could say to her would change her mind (maybe you already know that).
What would happen if you told her that you no longer wanted to discuss eating habits and exercise and weight loss with her? If that put a (temporary, hopefully) hold on your friendship, would you be okay with that? It sounds like what needs to happen in order for you to be able to focus on you and not be miserable with this friend.
I agree. I have tried to change the subject or say something like "Let's not talk about this right now." or "All we ever talk about is dieting etc. tell me about work, your family, etc." but it always seems to migrate back. I feel like I have stepped back from the friendship quite a bit lately.
She is a very good and supportive friend in other areas (and used to be a good friend in this area as well), but it's just been a bit frustrating lately.
We go to the same gym and attend the same classes, so there are some times when talking about it is sort of inevitable, but I am going to try and steer the conversation away from that type of stuff as much as possible.
I think this is a common behavioral issue amongst friends. When I was a dieter there was no shortage of people who wanted to discuss diet and exercise. Now that I am an IEer I can't seem to get away from all the people who want to talk diets. Some of it is overt but some is very subtle and I'm very sensitive to all of it.
Let's face it, it's really none of your business how many calories she's burning so why does she feel the need to tell you? It's absurd. Can you say something like "I love you no matter how many calories you burned today, I'm just glad you enjoy exercising as much as I do!" You can try to bring it always back to reality and back to what's really important. I don't find her to be delusional, I find her to be struggling with guilt and shame over the inability to lose weight. You may think she's lying to you and not being accountable for her responsibilities but in truth it's really sad that she feels like she has to justify her decisions to eat and exercise.
The best way I have found to deal with it is to always remain positive about myself and enjoy the food as much as I can. I don't diet at all and I do not engage in conversations about calories, ever. So when someone tries to do that with me I simply say that I don't pay much attention to that stuff, then I giggle and keep eating. And change the subject too. There is so much more to life than analyzing food.
I try not to engage in calorie talk too (I never bring it up and I never tell her how many calories I eat/burn) I think the problem is that she knows I calorie count etc. and we used to talk very openly about this type of thing, so I can understand why she would be frank about it. I just don't feel like discussing it is useful to either of us anymore since it is seeming to create competition which I don't want.
I have struggled with a lot of food issues over the years, and since we had this in common, it used to be more about supporting each other and reaching the goal of not having disordered eating patterns and habits and I think now it has turned more into just trying to lose weight (which I think it partially my fault since I have had more of that focus since having my son). I came to this realization that maybe my goal of weight loss vs. breaking a cycle of negative eating/fitness patterns is causing her to feel uncomfortable etc. It's also probably not the best mindset for me.
I saw her yesterday and tried to turn the conversation back to the fact that weightloss isn't the most important thing, finding happiness and enjoyment out of all aspects of life is, and that we used to take classes etc. because they are fun, and how I want to get back to that mindset. I think that diffused the conversation some-- and then I changed the subject to an author we both enjoy. I felt better about the interaction, and hopefully she did too.
I sort of feel guilty about my rant and the fact that I am finding it hard to be supportive :/
I don't think you should feel guilty. None of us know who she is or who you are. You didn't break her confidence and you came here with the intention of clearing your head to better deal with the situation
I haven't had to deal with this situation directly related to weight loss, but a friend who made me feel similarly about everything any time I hung around her. It obviously didn't start out like this, but through the years it started
I ended up distancing myself from her and I feel much better about it! She was a constant negative gripey presence and no amount of redirection on my part was going to change her perspective. We now enjoy much less frequent contact, but are still in touch
Obviously friendships are give and take, but if someone is always zapping my energy, I'm distancing myself for a more even friendship.
I don't know if it's to that point. You said you were able to redirect yesterday--but sometimes surrounding yourself with more positive people is a healthy move
I can totally understand your frustration. And I second that there is something else going on with your friend. I have a family member that is the exact same way. She claims to eat less and exercise more, and I posted about it recently. And I think it really does come down to she has such shame for whatever is really going on that she is trying to cover it. I personally don't understand why someone would tell obvious lies (I only eat 1200 cals a day) when their body says "I am eating way more than that"...but it must come from such a deep issue that its not a rational thought I guess. I've since opened up to my family member about my binging issues, and even then it took several times of me talking about it before she admitted to having that same problem and probably worse in several ways. I figured as much, but she had to want to talk about it, I couldn't force her.
Its probably not healthy for your friend to keep obsessing over dieting. That can be very triggering...she may have days where she only eats 1200 cals but I bet after a few days like that and she binges. I've been there done that. And that kind of eating pattern is no good.
I know I'm not helping with how to go about this. If you have ever have an issue with binging you could try talking with her about it. It might take several times for her to open up about it. I talk openly about it with my DH, but my family member said she has not told anyone but me. I felt sad for her because I know how shameful it feels and what I lonely feeling and a huge secret to try to hide when your body (being obese) tells everyone what is really going on. That must be very stressful and a big source of social anxiety.
Anyway as for your journey, you still have to take care of you. I had talk with my family member about some of her behaviors because they were very triggering for me and I am trying to recover from my own binge/starve cycle. I was never in denial about why I was fat in my 20s, but I didn't tell other people either. I basically dieted alone so it made it easier to not feel like someone was checking up on my eating habits.
Good luck!
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 08-07-2015 at 02:07 PM.
What a dilemma! I wonder how it would work, if you gave her pointers by using yourself as the model.
" I have to measure everything because so many times I find that I underestimate how much is on my plate. With something like salad dressing I can be eating 200 more calories than I think I am because 2 tablespoons and 4 tablespoons don't look that different on top of a salad." (This is true in my case, and I've been cooking for fifty years.)
Or: "These days, I don't pay any attention to how much those machines tell me I've burned. I just go for the 1200 calories. I might burn a lot off in the gym but that machine doesn't know how many hours I spent sitting in front of the computer. It's an inexact science."
Seriously 1500 calories on the treadmill? When I was going to the gym, the treadmill told me I had burned 80 calories in a half hour. If I had kept it up for two hours that would have been 320 calories. I know I'm slow, but just how fast was superwoman going?
I experience the same issue, if not worse. I have a stress-eating workaholic boss who I blame 50% for my weight gain in the last 3years. She constantly tells me I need to work on my health because she is, starting Monday that is (every week). About 2months ago she even tried to persuade me into investing in the 21-day challenge kit to help me lose weight, since she is doing it. I told her I couldn't invest in that because I know I can't do it. I hate meal prepping! She did good 1 day then wanted to hit the buffet for lunch and because I didn't stop her, I think she blames me. After the huge meal, she said: "alright, now next week, we really need to do this 'get healthy' thing because you really need to focus on your health."
As soon as she is stressed, she will want to gorge on something very high in anything bad for you: double sized slice of german chocolate cake for breakfast - one of her favorites. She will get me the same order! Very motherly-like, she will check on me to make sure I finished it. she even goes as far as checking my trash bin. My many attempts to lose weight in the last couple years have only resulted in me gaining it back after a few weeks.
The workaholic side of her doesn't like to leave for lunch so she buys us lunch and we eat at our desks. She doesn't like walking so we don't walk when we do get a moment to escape. I used to eat a quick lunch and walk to the mall about 2 miles down. We work downtown so it's a very interesting place to go for strolls. I haven't done that since I started reporting to her.
This time, I decided, I can't try to lose weight or diet with a buddy, especially not my boss. So, I joined Medifast a month ago. I only let a small circle of people know I joined but I know it will spread like wildfire once I start to lose weight. I did not tell my boss only that I am on a strict low carb high protein diet. Knowing her she will discourage me from continuing because it may be "bad for my health" because it's not natural food.
Yesterday, we went out for lunch. I convinced her to walk telling her it's only one block away. She was upset it was actually two blocks. After we ordered our lunches, she said: "I want to try half your salad so I'll split my burger, fries and fried chicken with you". I told her I'm fine with splitting my salad but I'm not interested in the other items. She felt bad and dumped it in my plate anyway. I improvised by only eating the chicken breast (no skin or breading) and only the inside of the burger. Limited myself to 5 fries. Drank a whole jug of water while we were there to filter the salt intake.
She's noticed my change and will ask me questions about my "diet" and will try to tell me what I am allowed to eat too because she is an atkins expert. She also warns me not to take it too far because it can lead to eating disorders. I truly feel that every time I make progress 2 steps ahead, she comes along and "rewards" me, pushing my 5 steps behind. So I try not to talk about my diet or my progress with her. She asks me how my dinners go and how my workouts are. Then tells me to slow it down because I might injure myself. It's so bad, I really don't want to talk to her about anything having to do with health.
So I know, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so hard for me, everyday is a fight with myself and my boss. Even my partying-drinking-complaining-about-being-fat-friends are sad I'm not around much anymore but they don't do that to me. I don't feel the pressure I do with them as I do my boss. It's a challenge but no one can do this for me except me. Only I can do this!
I experience the same issue, if not worse. I have a stress-eating workaholic boss who I blame 50% for my weight gain in the last 3years. She constantly tells me I need to work on my health because she is, starting Monday that is (every week). About 2months ago she even tried to persuade me into investing in the 21-day challenge kit to help me lose weight, since she is doing it. I told her I couldn't invest in that because I know I can't do it. I hate meal prepping! She did good 1 day then wanted to hit the buffet for lunch and because I didn't stop her, I think she blames me. After the huge meal, she said: "alright, now next week, we really need to do this 'get healthy' thing because you really need to focus on your health."
As soon as she is stressed, she will want to gorge on something very high in anything bad for you: double sized slice of german chocolate cake for breakfast - one of her favorites. She will get me the same order! Very motherly-like, she will check on me to make sure I finished it. she even goes as far as checking my trash bin. My many attempts to lose weight in the last couple years have only resulted in me gaining it back after a few weeks.
The workaholic side of her doesn't like to leave for lunch so she buys us lunch and we eat at our desks. She doesn't like walking so we don't walk when we do get a moment to escape. I used to eat a quick lunch and walk to the mall about 2 miles down. We work downtown so it's a very interesting place to go for strolls. I haven't done that since I started reporting to her.
This time, I decided, I can't try to lose weight or diet with a buddy, especially not my boss. So, I joined Medifast a month ago. I only let a small circle of people know I joined but I know it will spread like wildfire once I start to lose weight. I did not tell my boss only that I am on a strict low carb high protein diet. Knowing her she will discourage me from continuing because it may be "bad for my health" because it's not natural food.
Yesterday, we went out for lunch. I convinced her to walk telling her it's only one block away. She was upset it was actually two blocks. After we ordered our lunches, she said: "I want to try half your salad so I'll split my burger, fries and fried chicken with you". I told her I'm fine with splitting my salad but I'm not interested in the other items. She felt bad and dumped it in my plate anyway. I improvised by only eating the chicken breast (no skin or breading) and only the inside of the burger. Limited myself to 5 fries. Drank a whole jug of water while we were there to filter the salt intake.
She's noticed my change and will ask me questions about my "diet" and will try to tell me what I am allowed to eat too because she is an atkins expert. She also warns me not to take it too far because it can lead to eating disorders. I truly feel that every time I make progress 2 steps ahead, she comes along and "rewards" me, pushing my 5 steps behind. So I try not to talk about my diet or my progress with her. She asks me how my dinners go and how my workouts are. Then tells me to slow it down because I might injure myself. It's so bad, I really don't want to talk to her about anything having to do with health.
So I know, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so hard for me, everyday is a fight with myself and my boss. Even my partying-drinking-complaining-about-being-fat-friends are sad I'm not around much anymore but they don't do that to me. I don't feel the pressure I do with them as I do my boss. It's a challenge but no one can do this for me except me. Only I can do this!
I know what it is to be trapped at your desk. I went from 153lbs to 205lbs the 2 years I worked for a manager that made me eat lunch at my desk. If the phone rang, it HAD to be answered. He ALWAYS had to know where I was, even on breaks and at lunch. He would hassle me for being away to go to the bathroom! I developed a weird thing where I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire time I was at work! I stopped drinking fluids so I wouldn't have to! To this day, I have to set a timer to remind myself to drink something and go pee! It was a $26,000k a year, entry level job!
There was lots of eating out and free food and traveling and fancy dinners because we did fundraising events, etc. But it wasn't the food, it was the social drinking that I was pressured to take part of! All of upper management were alcoholics and would push, push, push alcohol and make comments "What are you pregnant? In AA? Religious?" Etc, etc. They didn't want me to make any of our rich clients feel bad by not drinking I guess. My manager was so bad he got the DTs during the day, had to drink at lunch to stop shaking and sweating. Encouraged a female co-worker to get into a car with him at an event when he was completely plastered. She refused and reported him to HR and got run out of her job for her trouble.
I told them I was pregnant and they fired me two weeks later. Truly, they did me a favor.
It sounds like your manager sucks and your job sucks now. Try to find something else. Its not worth it. Not worth the damage you do to your health and your mind. You might find a change of pace and less stress, pounds just come off.
Last edited by leopardspots; 08-07-2015 at 04:08 PM.
Wow, I can't believe you guys dealt with that type of stuff at your workplace! That is ridiculous and so unprofessional.
My friend has sent me 5-6 texts this morning letting me know her caloric intake, that she was going to the gym, that she has been stuck in a 3 week stall etc. Admittedly, I haven't responded to any of them, just because I don't know how to (and I can always use the excuse that I was working).
I have had problems int he past with binging and restricting cycles, as well as obsessive exercising and periodically purging. I was hospitalized in 2010 and I mostly manage to keep things in check (with the help of therapy etc.). This friend obviously also has issues with food etc. and so we used to support each other to avoid our negative habits and work on our overall health (largely focusing on mental health). Now, I feel like she has reverted back to the old habits that we were working to recover from, and I do find it very triggering ---- especially all of the comparisons.
So yeah, I guess I feel like I need to be supportive, because I know what it's like to let the compulsions etc. get out of control. On the other hand, it is so frustrating and I feel like I am on the edge of cracking.
Glad I am not the only one dealing with this type of stuff.
It sounds like your manager sucks and your job sucks now. Try to find something else. Its not worth it. Not worth the damage you do to your health and your mind. You might find a change of pace and less stress, pounds just come off.
She's actually been a very nice and understanding boss in terms of my pay (3 raises & 2 promotions), my schedule (not bound to official office hours) and my children (don't have to use my PTO when I have emergencies). That's why I've been sticking it thru. She plans to retire next year so we I think it's just a matter of re-training her. I've said "yes" to her for too long so she's used to it.
But yes, I have a feeling once she leaves or I leave, my health stress will go away.
@seizetheday, no need to feel guilty. You're not saying anything about her that's bad. Her behavior is odd and negative and it's only natural to feel pressured and uncomfortable by it. You're just venting and that's ok.
Wow I can't believe what you guys have to deal with at work. That is so sad! Having your food controlled by a superior is wrong in so many ways! Not being allowed to have a lunch break and not being able to choose your own food and then being checked up on to make sure you finished all that food is wrong, it can't be legal! It's harassment. I know nobody wants to jeopardize their job but there are some things that a boss should not have control over and they cannot mess with your breaks or have control over what you eat!
ladyvwj - just wondering.... what would she do if she saw you toss what you don't want to eat in the trash bin? Dig it out and make you eat it? Maybe that would give her a nice subtle hint that you ate what you could.
ladyvwj - just wondering.... what would she do if she saw you toss what you don't want to eat in the trash bin? Dig it out and make you eat it? Maybe that would give her a nice subtle hint that you ate what you could.
I've thought of this but have yet to work up the courage to do it.
Excuses, Excuses -- Trying to diet with people who don't want to diet -- Rant
