Ok, sometime on the 18th or 19th of May, our Mom, 74, fell at home and did not get found until about 9:30 p.m. on the 20th.
So, ambulance, hospital, we all haul a** up there.
5 days in the hospital, tons of health issues, so off to the nursing home for restorative care.
My sisters and I have tried to help her clean up her hoarding mess, and her money mess. She put us off. *deep sigh* We kept trying, to no avail.
Wow, we got handed a mess, that we knew was bad, but it was way worse than we had anticipated!
So, now, I am power of attorney, (poa) for my mother, who was poa, for her 97 year old mother. So now I am in charge of them both!
I am so thankful, I have great sisters!
Cleaning the hoard, seeing the lawyer, $40k in cc debt. We are handling all of it.
Mom, Can't go home to house with stairs. Not safe!
We have worked our butts off. Put off vacation, spent a ton of our own money, yada yada. We just want her to be safe, and right now, we can't move her from her current nursing home situation, because her mother is in the same place, and that just won't work.
But, She keeps worrying about this stupid pair of needle nose tweezers! She kept track of them for 50 years!
They got accidentally tossed! GET OVER IT!
I understand, that she got her life jerked out from under her. But so did me and my sisters.
She left us a **** of a mess, that we had tried to help with, but she would not let us.
She is my mother, and even though, she wasn't very nice to me, I will do the best I can, to keep her safe, and cared for. BUT, if she mentions those damn tweezers one more time, I'm going to have a royal fit!
Wow - you poor woman! That's so much to take on. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this.
Any chance you can find a replacement? If you could approach it as a bit of a game it might relieve some of the tension. Everywhere you go or every time you or your sisters go to visit, you could get a pair of tweezers and see if she likes them. You could leave each pair at the nursing home. Pretty soon her room will be so cluttered that she'll feel right at home! Sorry I couldn't resist but I hope I made you smile. Sending big hugs.
We did get her another pair of needle nose tweezers. *crud*, they were not the old ones.
Now she is on the thing about the family history!
She had a whole bedroom full of it. I know, she worked very hard for many years on this.
She has the Swede side, traced back to the 1100's! An admirable endeavor.
Now, she wants all of that, in her room, at the nursing home.
That is not possible. That much paper, is a fire hazard.
So, on the Fiscus side, Jeannie and Joyce are taking that, I am going to store the rest of it, while contacting the Nelsons, and Covalts and Rices, and so on and so forth, that are interested, and parcel it out for safe keeping.
Now, I also have her old spoiled dog. $338 vet bill later, the only child, is having issues adjusting to life with 2 other dogs, and me!
This to shall pass. She will learn the rules, eventually! Wait your turn for your food, do NOT bust out the door, etc. It's the fighting with my dogs, and food aggression that is an issue, along with her Mutt Hut.
I think the Mutt hut needs to go, it's a "mine" thing, that most likely needs to go bye bye.
I understand that with Mom, she always slept in it. Now, in a different situation, she is so protective of it, most likely, that needs to go.
*deep breath* she bit me tonight, while in her Mutt hut. Sorry, Tucker, mutt hut, no more.
We will get through all of this, dog, house, Mom, gramma, etc.
Just a long process, and no one gives a class on medicare, medicade, POA, broke old mom, $40K in credit card debt, and the HOARD!
It is getting better, bit, by bit, and it will be ok.
Schirerf, I'm so sorry you are going through this. While I'm home with the kids now, there was a time when I was a practicing rn...At one point I worked in long term care, and I have helped other families with the situation you are in now. It is definitely overwhelming. The nursing home that your mom is at should have a social worker available to you. You can ask to speak with the SW and they can guide you through the medicare/insurance issues or at least point you in the direction of someone that can help you. The POA questions, if they are medically related, you should be able to ask the nurses, or the doc. I realize how hard it is to catch the doctor, but ou have every right to find out who the admitting doc is, even if its a different doc from mom's usual primary doc, and call the office. Tell them you want a call back from the doc regarding your mom...some doc's are more readily available than others, and the nursing staff will know, if your mom was admitted to a good doc or a not so good doc. If you can't get a hold of the doc, you can always ask to switch to another admitting doc. You can always casually ask the nurse which doc they would recommend. They probably won't bad mouth a poor doc, but they will praise a good one.
If you POA questions are financially related, again the SW should be able to point you in the right direction.
I'm sorry about the tweezers and other personal belongings. Without knowing your mom's personally, I'm sure you know though, this is very common for people in her situation. I don't know how many papers she has, but if its something in various boxes, sometimes bringing it in for her to see (but bring it home when yo leave) or taking pictures (general, not of each page) helps to let her know its safe. Hoarding is not uncommon with older generations (though I hoard too...) but often they grew up with less stuff (now people have tons of crap) so what they have was important. I have had many patients that hoarded food, or various things in their rooms because it truly gives them anxiety not to save it. (And I can totally relate, but that another topic)
As for the tweezers, even though you replaces them, the fact that she saved them that long means it meant something to her to save and take care of her things, no matter how easier it was to replace, again I'm sure you know all this, but I just want you to know that is very very normal and even expected.
I'm so sorry again you are going through this. Make sure you take with the nurses and social worker at the nursing home, they should be able to provide you with help and resources.
Thank you Glamour. We thought we were on the down hill side of all of all of this.
Then my mothers, mother, in the same nursing home, 97 years old, 85 pounds has a gall stone, blocking her liver/pancreas/gall bladder or what have you from properly draining. We found this out yesterday.
So, ambulance to Fort Collins, Colorado for special surgeon. My sisters and I book it to Colorado, Surgeon thinks, ok, she's good, until he sees the curvature of her spine and now finding all the innards, to put in a stint for drainage, and then smooshing, and using some ultrasonic thing to explode or implode the stone, might be more complicated, than they thought.
But to do nothing, means a slow, painful, starving, upset tummy, puking, death!
Then we get this letter from medicaid, we sold Mom's 2 old crappy cars. Made a whopping $350. Now they want to know who bought them and what did we do with the money!
We filled out all this paper work, they knew it was the lousy $350!
Between all of the family, we figured it up, we have spent, since the 20th of May, 600 man hours, cleaning out and up and repairing my Moms house!
That does not count the vacation days lost, the money out of pocket, and so on and so forth.
I have not spent a weekend at home since the 20th of May. Cleaning up, taking care of, and so on and so forth.
We have all spent a lot of our own money and time.
Don't get me wrong, it's family and that is what you do.
But, dang, The government, is getting to be a pain in my arse!
Anyway, we will carry on! And we will do what needs to be done. The most important is that Mom and Gramma, are taken care of and safe!
So, 97 year old Gramma, came through the first surgery of her life with flying colors!
Shunt in, bypassing the rock. Bloodwork, getting better!
She looks so much better, it's amazing. Waiting on word for the surgery to blow up the offending rock.
Funny, this hospital always asks for name and birthday, anytime they come to do anything, including meals, as a verification, they have the right person.
After a couple of days, gramma, asked them, "don't you people write this down?"
Mom, is madder than a just castrated tom cat, that also had a bath!
She left my sisters and I with a bag of you know what, that we knew was bad, but we had no idea!
74 years old, the home was paid for, then, through bad choices, owed on her home and has $40,000 in Credit card debt!
She cannot go back, to many stairs. Among other things.
She still does not realize, or accept, she was within 8 hours of being DEAD!
Deep sigh.
I know, she is not happy, being in the home. No one wants to go there. No one wants to put anyone there.
We were hoping, that once our Gramma passed, *maybe* we could move Mom, to an income based, medium, assisted apartment.
Mom is much better, but! My oldest son and his wife and children, went to see her over the weekend. She does have some bathroom issues so, depends.
She had a dirty depends on her bed when they showed up, and showed no inclination to take care of it, or push the button, so staff could come and take care of it. SHE LEFT IT THERE THE WHOLE TIME!
The family, I have figured it up, since the 20th of May, a number of us, have spent 700 hours, cleaning out, and up the mess of her house. That's like a MONTH!
Not to mention, my sisters and I have taken a week, each year for the last 5 years at least and gone to Moms and cleaned and mowed, and mulched and so on and so forth, but since we THOUGHT, she was ok, and she pitched a fit, when we wanted to clean the basement. We left it alone.
Lesson learned.
If any of you are in this situation, pay more attention. We tried, but looking back, we should have put our foot down more. Not to be nosey, but Mom was not honest, and we did not know, what we should be looking for.
Don't second guess yourself! If it seems wrong, it probably is! Mom was one month away, from being unable to pay her bills, due to credit cards, and it was a dang miracle, with she didn't burn the damn house down, extension cords, fuses not switches, and it just goes on and on!
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I'm very sorry to hear you are going through all this, Shcirerf! It's very hard when parents age and become your responsibility, especially when they are not cooperative. I hope your mother does better and adjusts to her situation. I know DH and I have accumulated a lot of "stuff" over the years and someone will have to deal with it when we're gone or incapacitated, but at least we have little to no debt.
Schierf, I truly sympathize. Your story sounds so similar to mine and my siblings. Dad was 93 when he passed in February and displayed the same kind of characteristics as your mom. It was only the last 6 months that his health declined but his mind was sharp as anything. While dad was always stubborn, it reached new heights during his illness and eventual placement into hospice. He remained in his home all but the last 2 months of his life with home health care aids (lovely, lovely women by the way) who he felt weren't necessary. They were and I think he even got to enjoy their company. He and mom were both children of the Depression and their instinct to save and hold back was part of our upbringing as witnessed by Christmas gifts given to them that were loved and appreciated but never used, and the inability to really give anything away out of fear of "needing it some day."
Your description of your mother's Depends incident mirrored my father's. We found several of them in his bedroom after his death. At one point they had been wet but he didn't throw them out and he had a garbage can right next to his bed and in his bathroom for them. According to our home health care workers, this is very, very common. At the time I felt a flood of emotions: heartbroken, frustrated, and at times, angry.
It's difficult to watch a parent age that's for certain. Caring for dad certainly brought me face-to-face with my own mortality. I vowed to myself that I would be a "better old person" but honestly, I don't know what that means. It's silly to think I know. Frankly, none of us know how long we are destined to be here or how we'll adjust to it.
I admire you and all children of parents aging, ill, or need extra help. I hope you continue to come here and post updates. Your words to others to be mindful of what's going on in their parent's life and home are good. The majority of my friends have both of their parents and I've been honest about my experience when they ask.
Rant, STUPID POINTED TWEEZERS!
Sorry I couldn't resist but I hope I made you smile. Sending big hugs.
