Feeling kinda low lately - boyfriend and weight insecurities
My body is not where I want it to be. I havent even weighed myself since I came back on this site because I am too scared to. Im scared itll depress me so much that I'll just run for the hills.
It doesnt help that last night I found out that my bf pretty much has a porn addiction.. he watches it every night... and I know boys will be boys but the girls he watches (he showed me cos i asked) are literally the most perfect bodied women, women with flat tummies, HUGE bums and HUGE breasts, and ive always been super insecure about those areas, since i kind of lack a bum, and ive always told everyone this.. and my breasts are pretty small-medium. It makes me feel super depressed and part of me wants to kick *** and get an amazing body to make him feel stupid for even watching those women, but then a part of me just sinks, and i start to feel lower than low, because i dont even want to lose weight because that will make him happy even though he would never admit to it, and i dont even think i should do anythign to "reward" him. and i know that i should lose weight for myself, and ultimately, i am since i only found out about this last night and ive been wanting to lose weight for forever, but still. im human, and emotions get the best of me.
First of all, big hugs to you. I know from personal experience what a devastating effect having a partner with porn addiction can have on your self-esteem. Yes, watching porn is very common and like with most things, there's a line where it crosses into being a problem that affects relationships and quality of life.
When it rises to the point of being an addiction, it ceases to be about gratification. The same can be said of any addiction. It becomes about relief from pain and a means to escape. There is a lot of good info online that may help you understand it better.
As hard as this is to believe, it doesn't have anything to do with you or your body. This is about him. He didn't develop this problem because you weren't adequate enough. He's not going to give up his addiction because you change your body. Just like you said, you need to lose weight for yourself. He needs to change for himself, because he sees his life as better without this affecting his relationship and quality of life.
I know it is so much easier said than done, but please don't beat yourself down or waste another minute of your life thinking you need to look like someone's fantasy. Because honey, that's what these girls are.
They take women who are maybe like 1% of the population in terms of body structure. But winning the genetic lottery isn't good enough. Because believe me when I say women who are 5 foot 9 and 115 lbs naturally DO NOT come with size F boobs and a butt like Jlo's. So off they go to the plastic surgeon to crank the boobs, butt, and lips up to 11. They get hair extensions, fake tans, fake nails. A makeup artist with the skills of Michaelangelo sculpts the cheekbones, adds fake lashes, and covers imperfections. After they've done everything possible physically, they move on to the digital alterations, photoshopping and filtering, using angles and lighting to create someone with no more reality than Barbie.
I do get that boys will be boys, but if a man would prefer this cold, perfect fantasy to warm, loving, imperfect reality, then I pity him. I know that you could find plenty of men who would never make such a poor trade.
Hang in there and be strong!
If needed, allow yourself a down moment but then remember that you are a special person with lots to offer and worthy!
I think that by building your self confidence and image, you will feel a lot better. I would personally get on the scale, let it shock me for a second and then use the numbers as a motivator to take care of my weight problem. But, this is just me!
It is so hard not to compare, not to take it personally when attention is given to others (in person or online) rather than to us by our significant others…….really hard!
Please don't let his addiction damage your self esteem.
You be the best you can be, for yourself and nobody else.
Visualize yourself at the weight you want to be at, picture yourself doing all the things you are too embarrassed, afraid or shy to do. This is what I am doing now!
I wish you the very best and I hope that you put yourself first!
I know I need to learn to do that!
I really understand the pain you are going through. My husband had a bad porn addiction while we were dating, this went on for two and a half years. Two months before our wedding, he stumbled and fell back into it. But he managed to stay clean for eight months before then, and now, he's really broken through this addiction. There are times he's tempted, but he no longer looks at porn, at all. He may be over his addiction, but I'm STILL healing from the pain it caused. It creeps in all the time. Even though he's stopped, the mentality "I have to be better, I have to look better..." But, just like he has healed, so will I. And I've already made lots of progress! (We've been married about six months now, just so you know).
People have said a lot of good things here. I don't know your whole situation, I don't know if he is willing to seek help, if he is willing to fight it. I don't know the extent of your relationship outside of this. So I don't know if you should stay or go. If he isn't willing to fix it or change, I'd say get out, You don't deserve that or need it! And if he IS willing, there is so much on-line support!! I recommend accountability software, some you have to pay for, Covenant Eyes is great and what my Husband used to break his addiction ($7.00 a month) but if you want to save a buck, Triple X Church has a free one (but it's not as good).
DON'T look at those pictures again! I know it's tempting, you want to meet her. You want to know her. You want to know why. But it's not real, and it's only going to FILL YOUR HEAD and rattle around in there. It's going to taint your life. Push them aside, and remember. It's not real. Porn isn't real.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There is nothing wrong with your body, and you could look EXACTLY like those pictures and videos and it still wouldn't be enough. It has nothing to do with you, or the way you look. It has nothing to do with ANYTHING about you. I'd be willing to bet this started long before you, and will continue long after if he doesn't want to beat it. He may not realize it, but it's hurting his life too. Porn addiction does messy things to your brain.
And please, rant away. Don't bottle this up inside, talking about it is good Just be careful about what people say, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is a bad person for having an addiction but, just because that doesn't make him a bad person, it doesn't make it wrong for you to feel hurt. It's the natural consequences of Porn addiction. I'm not going to call you boyfriend names or tell him to burn at the stake, but he has my pity and sympathy, because no matter what our culture or media or what people say, addiction is unhealthy, and it hurts. It hurts the individual, it hurts the people around them.
None of us can judge on whether watching porn is wrong, only you and he know if this is an addiction. In my experience porn is harmless unless it affects how he treats you and if it has a negative effect on your sex life.
Don't confuse your body issues with his porn habit. They are completely separate, no outside influence can change how you feel about your body. If you build your self esteem and have a positive body image then you can't feel threatened by a girl on a screen that your bf will never even be near. Working on your self esteem is time well spent no matter what.
If the porn is hacking away at your self esteem then you have to work on it. Because even if he stops the porn entirely something else will come along to hack away at your self esteem anyway. Talk to your bf, maybe he can compromise how much he watches. But in my opinion if your sex life is not affected by this then it's just a matter of ego.
I agree with what others have said already. You guys can be the judge of whether the porn part is an addiction or not, and whether it's having a negative effect on your relationship.
The main thing though, please, please know that him watching porn has nothing to do with your body, as others have pointed out. You could be absolutely perfect and your hubby could love everything about your body.. and he'd still watch porn. I know not letting it get to you is easier said than done.. definitely talk with him about it, and about how it's making you feel (without being accusatory), maybe even with a professional present, especially if you think he has an addiction. If you let the negative feelings build and build then eventually it'll end up exploding, and be a lot worse.
Thank you guys so much. you have helped more than you know.
And i 100% think he has an addiction, since he told me the same day i found out about the porn that he thinks its an actual problem, since somedays hes so tired and is on the verge of sleeping, but STILL feels the need to watch a video before sleeping. he told me, also that day, that it started when he was a teenager (naturally.. hes 23 now) and he would always go and spend the day watching porn when he was stressed out about exams/was trapped in his room all day. to be honest though, i think its even deeper. he has had very bad family problems as a child/teen mostly and witnessed some terrible breakdowns by his parents, involving alot of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. he does nothing of the sort with me, but i think the porn was an addiction that began at the height of his parents marital problems and now im starting to see a correlation, though im not a psychiatrist and cant know for sure. its a little new to me to have porn as an outlet, usually you hear about drugs or alcohol, but i suppose this could have also been a distraction to his life back then. i just wonder why he still has the habit today it kinda saddens me on a deeper level now too, rather than just shallow/aesthetic.
Sounds a lot like my husband! But his problems weren't family related (he has a great family) it was more school and peer related. He's admitting its a problem then help is a good idea and its good for him to recognize it. I don't know why people treat porn so differently from other addictions, but it can be frustrating to get help. Don't give up! My husband had lots of issues, people telling him it was fine but it was destroying him and he knew it long before we were even together. If people drank alchol as much as the amount of porn you say he watches and for the same reasons, everyone would call it an addiction. Same with drugs, food or anything else. But something about porn makes people stop and say "nothing wrong here" which is sad because it can stop desperate people getting the help and support they want and need. It also sucks because its one of those industries that can damage the people in them and its really hard to know when you're getting porn from appropriately aged consenting adults or cohersed, desperate, deprived people being used
And I don't think being hurt by it is an ego thing at all or selfish/shallow. Even if your sex life is great doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that it doesn't feel like cheating. Especially because heavy porn addicts can get into live chatting and so many things... It can be a hard line to draw when its "okay" and when its not. Some people like open relationships and that's great for them, and others can't and that's fine for them too. If he was cheating with another person but your sex life was still fine that wouldn't make it okay if you two hadn't agreed on that kind of relationship. If he was watching a living person in front of him undress but didnt touch them physically, is that cheating? Many would say yes. And yet put it in a computer monitor or tv screen and people suddenly change their minds. Its very baffling to me but complicated. Oh so complicated.
I am not saying that he is a cheater or a horrible person or that anyone who looks at porn is those things. Not at ALL. It is NOT a reason to hate on someone EVER. I'm just saying its a complex issue and it can feel like cheating which is natural and expected. What I know of porn addicts though is that the psychological things around it and the dependency on porn is usually not a "cheater" head space. They very often love their partners and want them, would never think of cheating on them with another living person in the same physical room. They think their partners are beautiful, sexy, etc. The porn isn't necessarily about what the person on the screen looks like. Sometimes they feel they don't deserve real people and real love. Sometimes its a need to feel control (not in a rape kind of way) or to have a person that just doesn't say "no" or doesn't know you, etc. So please take courage. Its hard to separate and understand how someone can say "I love only you" and share intimate moments with strangers and pictures, but they dont have the head space of cheaters even if the act feels like cheating and kind of is. (Didn't I say its complicated?)
As for the whyvit still happens, all I can say is "addiction". Its a crutch. For my husband (back then when he was still just my boyfriend then fiance). He had a great family. He has new real friends and left high school behind. We have a thriving healthy relationship then and still do. But he just didn't know how to stop, he didn't have the support or the resources. Any little issue came up from work or a term paper... And it was back to the crutch. Back to the porn. It was habit by then it was all he knew.
For my husband as an ex-addict, any amount is too much for him. Its not much different then an alocoholic who has to avoid alcohol. And this is by his own admission and choice, but he's so much happier and freer now. I'm going to get a little TMI but he enjoys sex better than porn (we didnt sleep together before getting married because of our personal beliefs). He no longer looks at womans and feels himself mentally undressing them becsuse of the hours of porn junk in his head (he admits that was a side effect of his porn addiction- it messed with his perception of woman). He feels stronger and braver and in control of his life and himself. He feels like the master of his body and not the slave of his addiction. I can't tell you what's right for your boyfriend or how much he can/will be able to watch. Some people seem fine with looking at it and it doesn't spiral into addiction , in many relationships people dont care about porn viewing and they are happy amd that is wonderful for them! I'm happy for these people and their healthy relationships. Others aren't as comfortable with it and that's okay becausef you two feel it is a problem for you both deal with it and don't accept it just because others can/do. We all have different lifestyles and tolerances and its not my place to say who is right or wrong.I do pray for healing as that is what you have expressed, and you can get through this Others are right that his addiction won't end your self worth issues but there is no reason you can't both work on your issues together. My self-esteem issues are not the fault of my husbands addiction, but the hurt was real and they certainly didn't help. But we got through it together, and becuase I'm a christian with my faith in God too. But I'm not here to tell you you must repent or burn or whatever. I just don't like seeing people suffer alone through this issue.
Last edited by SenseAndSensibility; 12-31-2014 at 12:24 PM.
I won't comment on the porn addiction, that's actually sort of a separate issue to what I think is the real dilemma.
As a guy, I have encountered something like this before. Not really porn related. But in the 2008 olympics, I was watching a lot of beach volleyball. I mean watching nearly every round. Sure, it was great seeing the americans win but I got confronted on it and I admitted a bit of a crush on Misty-May Treanor. Oh boy, that was a mistake. She thought she couldn't compete with Misty-May's body. Funny thing it wasn't even really Misty-May's body that I liked, if I saw her on a crowded beach just lying there on a towel, I may look but I wouldn't give her a second look, it was more the act of her getting physical, sweating, breathing hard, diving in the sand, kicking butt out there that was sexy. But I didn't bother saying that, she would think it was me backpedaling.
Fact is, I like many different kinds of bodies, not just that one kind. It doesn't mean he doesn't like your body. He probably does.
I know what you mean. But for men, it's just fantasy. If they ever had a woman who looked like that, they wouldn't know what to do with them, and plus most men don't actually want to be with women like that.
I would talk to him about it though, if you feel he's doing it too much, because it can have an effect on your relationship. That's good though he's being honest and showed it to you, because a lot of guys are private about it.
Many Western men suffer from porn addiction in some form or the other, with porn being readily available through the internet a discernible amount of males prefer to get instant gratification through pornography than waste their time trying to get with a real woman. It's the dopamine factor in his brain being controlled through pornography and like a drug he becomes co-dependent on it and it alters his thinking. He may have unusually unrealistic expectations when it comes to women and sex and be more critical with your performance and looks. Don't be surprised if in the future he prefers looking at porn women with silicone parts than make love to the woman sitting in his bed, I can't blame it all on him though - it's this generation.
It's a lucrative industry baby. Sex sells. It's similar to the images being promoted in mainstream media - *they* know EXACTLY what they're doing.
Last edited by zerosedeluna; 01-05-2015 at 01:46 AM.
Feeling kinda low lately - boyfriend and weight insecurities
I know from personal experience what a devastating effect having a partner with porn addiction can have on your self-esteem. Yes, watching porn is very common and like with most things, there's a line where it crosses into being a problem that affects relationships and quality of life. 
Just be careful about what people say, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is a bad person for having an addiction but, just because that doesn't make him a bad person, it doesn't make it wrong for you to feel hurt. It's the natural consequences of Porn addiction. I'm not going to call you boyfriend names or tell him to burn at the stake, but he has my pity and sympathy, because no matter what our culture or media or what people say, addiction is unhealthy, and it hurts. It hurts the individual, it hurts the people around them. 
it kinda saddens me on a deeper level now too, rather than just shallow/aesthetic.
