I just need to vent. I'll try to keep it sort of short.
My mom has issues and has my entire life, but the past couple years she's gotten much worse. Really bad anger issues, paranoia, alcoholism, etc. She's rejected my Uncle permanently (she told him over a year ago to never contact her again) because he didn't do what she wanted when it came to my Grandpa's estate. She recently rejected a cousin - completely out of the blue, quite literally threw her out of her house and told her to never come back- because she said the cousin was trying to control her life. (The reality is that the cousin is just much more social than my mom and was trying to get my mom to go do things with her). It's been a couple of months there, with no sign of my Mom softening on that score either. Well, ever since that happened every time I call on Sundays my Mom would talk about what happened with the cousin. Perhaps looking for validation, I don't know. I never criticized, but in our last conversation I mentioned I hoped someday they might reconcile because at one point Mom was really happy to have a friend in her cousin and someone that might be there for her as she got older. Well, a week goes by and my Dad calls me during the week to warn me that my Mom thinks I "talk too much about our cousin" and that I need to stop. Ok, whatever, but I'm not the one bringing it up. So I just agreed I would not be drawn into any conversations about our cousin. So on Sunday when I made my normal call, when my Mom answered I was all cheerful and asked how she was doing and all I got was silence. Then she hit me with both barrels and told me how she's really angry with me because when I call all I ever do is criticize her and tell her how to run her life. Both accusations are utterly absurd, because my Mom is a control freak with anger issues and *no one* criticizes my Mom or tells her what to do. Ever. I got upset because it was such an unexpected accusation, and yelled at my Mom- I said "What? Where the &*^% did that come from!!!"- and she hung up on me. My Dad called me the next day and basically it was agreed I shouldn't call any more. He's not angry with me and he isn't taking Mom's side, but it seems to be acknowledged that I've been effectively disowned...for something I never did in the first place. I am reeling emotionally, I've sunk into a depression, and I'm having heart palpitations and chest pains from the anxiety. I've been having nightmares also. I wish I could think that this is all temporary, but based on my Mom's ability to hold grudges and to cut loved ones out of her life on a permanent basis, I have my doubts.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, mostly I just needed to tell someone because it's not stuff I can post on Facebook and I don't really have any close friends to share this with. My SO knows what happened but he's not a really emotional person and isn't someone that can understand the emotional issues of hurt and betrayal that go along with this for me.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. I hope that things work out for you and that your mom can find a way to see that you are just trying to be a daughter to her.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! That sounds very frustrating... Is this something she tends to "get over" eventually? Can you just refuse to be disowned? And she can't keep you from having a relationship with your dad right?
My mom is a champion grudge holder, so there's a very real possibility this will be permanent.
My Dad calls me- that way I don't have to call the house. He called actually right after I posted this, to warn me that my Mom would be sending me an email detailing exactly what she's angry about. And then he warned me to be careful about how I responded. The problem is, what she's angry about never happened, it's a delusion in her own mind. But he wants me to just be prepared to apologize anyway, because "it's real to her". I don't know what to do. I mean, really, I'm supposed to apologize and grovel for something I didn't do? He does it all the time- it's the only way he and my Mom can stay married- but I don't have to live with her and I'm not sure validating her delusion is the best thing all around.
Mine isn't quite so bad as yours, but even my dad is the same as yours.
I don't tolerate my mother's brand of crazy (it's a doozy in its own right) and I know if she tried this I would certainly let her. Fine, you don't want a daughter, I don't want a mother. I'd let her stew. If she is looking for reactions out of perople, I wouldn't give her one. But, I own up to being pretty cold in regards to my mother. I love her, but I'm done tolerating how she acts.
And if she emails you, DO NOT RESPOND!!! She already has made up her mind, obviously, but tone and intent cannot be read in email, you are better off calling and making your dad put you on speaker so that he can hear what you say and isn't getting anything second hand from your mother.
I'm sorry you're getting so anxious over this. It is heartbreaking to see happen. Has anyone considered that your mom may be sick? Is her behavior getting worse or is it just that's she has turned on her own family?
No matter what you decide, good luck! I wish you the best!
I have lurked for many years here, I did want to say tho that my heart feels for you. I have a mom like yours. It hurts. No getting around it but try really hard to accept it isn't you. It's her. I don't think there has ever been a time my mom was motherly. Even as a little kid and I'm 47 now. I have to speak with her at times but I keep it short and always respectful. She is the type of person that thrives on negativity. Purposely tries to get a reaction from me. I don't fall for it anymore and like you I was always in anxious, upset, bend over backwards to fix it mode when she was "mad" at me-till I realized she enjoyed my discomfort. My daughter died last year, my mother practically poured salt on my sorrow. Done with that. My emotions are so much calmer now that I've chosen not to worry over my mother as she doesn't have the ability to nurture me. Your poor dad is between a rock and a hard place. My poor dad suffered her meaness. so many times he was like me-bewildered over her account of whatever injustice she felt. He never felt divorce or leaving was an option. He died a sad man.
Life is short. Enjoy it as you can. You don't really need a mother that can't. I treat my mother just like any other acquaintance I meet. Simple kindness and respect. I have no expectations of her. And I give her nothing to twist or manipulate. It's easier that way.
I'm sorry you're having to go through all that. What you have described sounds eerily similar to some stuff that happened with my sister about a year and a half ago. She ended up being diagnosed with psychosis (she was hearing and seeing things that weren't actually there). Part of our family's therapy was learning how to deal with her when she had episodes. It was always very touchy because everything that she heard/saw/happened was "real to her" sort of like what your dad said. In the end we had to treat it like a valid experience because it was to her. If you brought up what really happened she'd say you were lying because her reality really was different.
I can't say that's for sure going on with your mother, and ultimately you can't really force her to go through therapy (or take medication, or get evaluated).. we only took my sister in because things got really really bad where she was endangering herself.
I also second what someone else said about e-mail. If at all possible try to actually talk with your response, maybe relay it through your dad or something if you can. People read whatever tone they want into text, and if your mother is angry she's going to be reading every word in an angry tone.. which can make something otherwise sincere come off as snooty or sarcastic.
My mom is a champion grudge holder, so there's a very real possibility this will be permanent.
My Dad calls me- that way I don't have to call the house. He called actually right after I posted this, to warn me that my Mom would be sending me an email detailing exactly what she's angry about. And then he warned me to be careful about how I responded. The problem is, what she's angry about never happened, it's a delusion in her own mind. But he wants me to just be prepared to apologize anyway, because "it's real to her". I don't know what to do. I mean, really, I'm supposed to apologize and grovel for something I didn't do? He does it all the time- it's the only way he and my Mom can stay married- but I don't have to live with her and I'm not sure validating her delusion is the best thing all around.
Hugs and courage to you! That's a lot to deal with and you've gotten some really good advice from people who have dealt with similar issues. What can one say about this, it's tragic. But I would strongly urge you not to respond to that email. It's a bomb meant to hurt you and it's meant to control you. If you're afraid of how to respond it means you're not allowed to be yourself and mother-or-not, you should not be around people who are ready to pounce on for being genuine.
I know this is easier said than done, but try to look at the situation from the perspective of a stranger. Would you allow anyone but your mother to treat you this way? What would you do if this person was a friend or cousin or colleague? Either way, you're the one in jeopardy so stand back and don't allow negativity into your life. I'm not saying shut the door on your family, but allow them in when they are able to contribute to your well being in a positive way.
Your Dad, I'm sorry but he's enabling her. I have my own issues with my Mother and my Dad totally enables her, we all have to walk on egg shells and he gives in to her every whim. It's tough and your Dad asking you to apologize for something that you didn't do is not fair, I wouldn't do it. And honestly I don't think that you'll smooth anything over by apologizing anyway, she'll come up with something else to be upset about because she thrives on the fear she instills in everyone.
Life is short. Enjoy it as you can. You don't really need a mother that can't. I treat my mother just like any other acquaintance I meet. Simple kindness and respect. I have no expectations of her. And I give her nothing to twist or manipulate. It's easier that way.
This really caught my eye...
My dad is a drug addict, and my childhood was full of disappointment from events he missed, or times he was supposed to pick me up for a visit but didn't make it. In some ways it's different from having a parent with mental health problems like people are describing here, but in some ways it's very much the same. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, but my mom tells me stories about how I sobbed and sobbed because he wasn't there to pick me up from the ferry, or see my girl guide uniform, or whatever else I was doing.
Since then, I've definitely come to accept my dad for who he is. I think people's intentions are really important, and I know my dad's intentions are good, and always have been.
It helps that I can identify with a lot of his actions (although I might express them differently) because in a lot of ways I'm like him. I'm not great at calling people back, for instance, but it's not because I dislike people. I just find it difficult to initiate contact with people for numerous reasons of my own. So I think about it that way. I know my dad loves me, he just isn't good at following through on things. And there are things that get in his way that he doesn't know how to control (drugs).
When you lose your expectations of someone, things become a lot easier. Yeah, it's a bit sad to not let myself get excited about promises made, or visits arranged. I don't plan anything in my life around my dad - I generally assume that far-in-advance plans with him will fall through, but I make them anyway. And when I do spend time with my dad, I enjoy it for what it is.
EagleRiverDee, I know it must feel a lot different in your case because it sounds like the love just isn't coming through from your mom at all. But perhaps it would be helpful to find a way to make the negative stuff okay... find a way to let it roll off your back, although I know that sounds difficult.
But really, it sounds like your mom has a mental health issue that's interfering with your relationship, just the same way my dad has drugs interfering with ours. And if that's the case, it's not her choice to act the way she's acting. She has chemicals interfering with the person she is, and the way she expresses herself to everyone around her, to the point where she's tearing herself away from everyone she loves. She's going to have a very lonely life if she keeps it up...
And while I don't think it's your responsibility to be dragged down into that, there may be a way to be there for her if you still want to. You just need to have a shield against the thing that's in the way (the mental health issues). They aren't your mom. They don't define her. But they are there.
I may also sound cold, but I have a mother who has a tendency to be very cruel too. Since I was a child, she has told me how I ruined her life (by being born) and how she's always wished I had never been born. When I read your post, I thought, "Oh, wow. Your mandatory Sunday conversations sound excruciating. I bet you are incredibly relieved to be done with that burden." But I also get why you are so anxious. Abusive, manipulative parents can convince otherwise sane, rational people that they are crazy.
When my ex-husband left, it was really painful for me. Once I had healed some emotionally, I was grateful (for myself, though not my kids) that he had left. Maybe that's the direction this should take?? You grieve for the loss of your mother in your life, then feel relief that you don't have these interactions where you have to quell every bit of who you are so that your own mother doesn't reject you. =/
Thanks to all of you. Some really good points there.
Yes, it's possible my mom is mentally ill. She won't see a doctor, so I don't know but I do think it's a strong possibility.
Not responding to the email she's planning to send is an option, of course. And one I'm considering. The downside is she'll read a lack of response as disrespect. But she's likely to read anything I say wrong anyway, unless I completely cave in and just say what she wants to hear.
My SO told me that I need to choose whether it's more important to have a relationship with her or to have my self-respect. I said, "Why should that be a choice? Shouldn't you be able to have both?"
I like Trstan's comment about just treating my mom with the same respect I'd give a stranger but not getting caught up in the emotion.
And Wannabeskinny- absolutely I would not tolerate this type of behavior from anyone besides one of my parents. Period. And that's what makes this so hard. My mom is utterly toxic at this point. But she's my mom. And I do feel like I'm being forced to choose whether I'm willing to accept all the stress and health problems associated with having someone this toxic in my life, or whether to cut my own mother out of my life (assuming she hasn't cut me out already).
And yes, my Dad is enabling her, and always has. And it's one of the things I resent. On one hand I understand why he does it, on the other I think it makes it worse because she continues to get validated for her bad behavior and has never had to do anything different.
LaurieDawn- Actually, yes, part of me is thinking that it would be a relief to just not have those Sunday conversations anymore.
For days I've had this heavy feeling in my chest- I feel like I got kicked and had the wind knocked out of me. I'm having nightmares, night sweats, heart palpitations, chest pain. I don't have a heart condition so I don't think I'm going to have a heart attack or anything but I definitely am having a physical reaction to the stress of this.
The thing that makes me angriest out of all this is that my phones calls to my Mom each Sunday were made out of love. Out of a desire to maintain a very long distance relationship (she lives in NC, I live in Alaska). And also out of a sense of familial duty and respect. And I feel like she took that and slapped me in the face with it and took something that was pure and loving and turned it into something dirty by saying that all i do is criticize her and tell her how to live when I call. I've never handled injustice well, and so this is the part that upsets me the most. If we'd had a legitimate fight over a real issue, I don't think I'd feel nearly so bad. Weird.
Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 11-25-2014 at 01:30 PM.
Injustice is particularly infuriating, so I don't find your reaction weird at all.
The fact is, even if you begged and pleaded and agreed with everything she says (at whatever cost to you) she MAY or MAY NOT allow you in her life. You can't control what she is going to do, ever. Not today, not tomorrow. And you can bet that if she does let you in her life (on her terms) that she may do this again in the future.
Personally, I'd take a very neutral stance and just let it be and see what happens. Never apologize for something you didn't do, but you can say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'm sorry you see it that way", "I'm sorry you're hurting", "I'm sorry you feel upset". Those things are true enough. Even, "I'm sorry this all happened".
I wouldn't go on to try and argue your position because you can't use truth and logic against someone like this, it won't work. And obviously, she cares little about how YOU feel in this situation.
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Not responding to the email she's planning to send is an option, of course. And one I'm considering. The downside is she'll read a lack of response as disrespect. But she's likely to read anything I say wrong anyway, unless I completely cave in and just say what she wants to hear. You said it, it's not fair to be manipulated into saying what she wants to hear, that's not open and honest communication and therefore this will do you more harm in the long run. Be genuine to yourself.
My SO told me that I need to choose whether it's more important to have a relationship with her or to have my self-respect. I said, "Why should that be a choice? Shouldn't you be able to have both?" It's not fair but the way that your mother has made it then your SO is right. If she expects you to behave in a way that serves her then you have to go against your own genuine self, you can pay her lipservice for a while but how long before you can't do that anymore?
I like Trstan's comment about just treating my mom with the same respect I'd give a stranger but not getting caught up in the emotion.
And Wannabeskinny- absolutely I would not tolerate this type of behavior from anyone besides one of my parents. Period. And that's what makes this so hard. My mom is utterly toxic at this point. But she's my mom. And I do feel like I'm being forced to choose whether I'm willing to accept all the stress and health problems associated with having someone this toxic in my life, or whether to cut my own mother out of my life (assuming she hasn't cut me out already).
And yes, my Dad is enabling her, and always has. And it's one of the things I resent. On one hand I understand why he does it, on the other I think it makes it worse because she continues to get validated for her bad behavior and has never had to do anything different.
LaurieDawn- Actually, yes, part of me is thinking that it would be a relief to just not have those Sunday conversations anymore.
For days I've had this heavy feeling in my chest- I feel like I got kicked and had the wind knocked out of me. I'm having nightmares, night sweats, heart palpitations, chest pain. I don't have a heart condition so I don't think I'm going to have a heart attack or anything but I definitely am having a physical reaction to the stress of this.
The thing that makes me angriest out of all this is that my phones calls to my Mom each Sunday were made out of love. Out of a desire to maintain a very long distance relationship (she lives in NC, I live in Alaska). And also out of a sense of familial duty and respect. And I feel like she took that and slapped me in the face with it and took something that was pure and loving and turned it into something dirty by saying that all i do is criticize her and tell her how to live when I call. I've never handled injustice well, and so this is the part that upsets me the most. If we'd had a legitimate fight over a real issue, I don't think I'd feel nearly so bad. Weird.
There's no stress like family stress. I have an older colleague and friend who's adult daughter is mentally ill, I don't know the details for her illness but I think she may be schizophrenic. The mother has tried to help her daughter for years and years and years, taking her to doctors, helping her, supporting her, encouraging her etc. It's taken a real toll on her and her daughter continuously abuses her and refuses medication. After many many years of therapy my friend was advised by her therapist to cut all ties with her daughter. The relationship was so toxic and my friend could affect no change in her daughter's life. I know it hurts her deeply to be disconnected with her daughter but she feels as if she has not choice right now. It's an unhappy incident but we all reserve the right to maintain our own sanity and happiness above and beyond all others.
So sorry for what you are trying to deal with. It's obviously not your fault, and not sure what I'd do, but the first thing that popped into my head...what do you think she'd do if you just sent her some pretty flowers with a simple note saying, "I love you, Mom"? You certainly don't owe her that, but might it help the situation? Good luck!
Got rejected by my own mother
