Not long ago, I passed the 200-lb mark. With my height of 5’7” that puts me at being close to 50 lbs overweight. I’m your typical “eating fast food, dipping into the candy bowl, sitting all day at a desk job” tragedy. In high school, I ran cross country, did track, and played softball. I was also eating my mom’s healthy home-cooked meals. Since I didn’t have my own job or live alone, I didn’t have access to unlimited junk food whenever I wanted (like I do now). I weighed between 123 and 135 (of course at the time I thought I was fat. HA!). By the time I graduated I was 142. In college I hit 150. I was eating worse (and drinking) but walking all over campus every day. By the time I graduated college, I think I had reached 160.
In 2009, when I was 26, the scale hit 170. I decided I had to do something and for six months actually stuck with a calorie counting plan where I tried not to eat more than 1200 or 1300 or so a day and tried to avoid binging on candy and junk. I’m not sure how healthy I was eating, though. I ate a lot of packaged foods and microwave meals because they were easy and the calorie count was right on the package. I managed to lose 20 pounds in six months without changing my exercise routine (which was basically nonexistent except for occasional walks). Toward the end of the six months I got the flu and barely ate for a week, so I lost another 5 pounds and was back down to 145. I was pretty damn pleased.
It didn’t last. I don’t know if it was getting the flu or if I got comfortable—but I stopped paying attention to what I ate and fell off the wagon, gained all the weight back and then some…I moved to Baltimore and my then-boyfriend and I sat around and ate entire pizzas and PopTarts and drank wine and ate whatever junk we felt like all day. There was one day I remember I ate eight Pop Tarts. I would drink entire bottles of wine. Cheesecake, cookies, pies, anything…nothing was off limits. I found myself at 188. Then I moved back to CT and started going out and doing things and lost a little weight. In 2012 I went through a breakup and barely ate for two weeks and was back to the 160s for a while.
Then toward the end of 2012 I got my current job with its candy bowl and sitting all day, and coffee shop goodies next door and ice cream shop TWO FEET AWAY, and Dunkin Donuts a two-minute walk from my apartment…and Stop and Shop across the parking lot from work with its cookie aisle. I hit 190…the scale kept climbing…195…
NOW I’m at 200—205 if I eat a lot and weigh myself at the end of the day like today. It’s horrible! How did this happen? I can’t believe it. I feel sick most of the time…lethargic, achy, grumpy, listless, irritable. A couple months ago, my knees began to pop when I walk up stairs. It’s hard to move from a sitting to standing position. I have to haul myself up. I can feel every ounce of the extra weight when I move around. I look in the mirror or see photos and can’t believe how big I am. I avoid going out because I’m afraid people who knew me when I was thinner will see me. I hate how I look in clothes. I don’t even try to look good anymore. Just finding something that fits is enough.
I’m aware that continuing my habits means I am on the fast track to diabetes, heart disease, heart attack, early death, not to mention lower quality of life overall, which I am already experiencing. I’m also getting married in October 2015, and I really do not want to weigh 200 lbs when I walk down the aisle and in all of the pictures. I want to like what I see, not cringe at how fat I look. I know how great and alive and powerful eating healthy and exercising makes me feel. I enjoy it. I love how I feel when I do it, and I think, why would anyone ever want to stop? So why do I stop? Why do I continue to take the path of least resistance and instant gratification and sit around and be a couch potato and eat candy and cookies and pie and cheese and comfort food and restaurant food and fast food?
I eat to distract myself, for fun, to comfort myself. I’ve noticed that when I’m trying to eat right I MISS certain foods…not just foods, but the act of gorging myself on them. I’ll be driving home and think about going out for huge helpings of my favorite Thai food and drinks, or stopping for a pint of ice cream, or ordering pizza and eating as much as I want…and then I’ll go, Oh wait…never mind. I’m eating better, I can’t do that. And I’ll get a sinking feeling of disappointment! Like I lost my best friend, or like the joy is gone from my day and I have nothing to look forward to. It’s like while I’m eating I can shut my anxiety off. It’s fun, it’s a treat, it’s a reward. Stopping at Dunkin Donuts, going out to eat, deciding what sweet treat I’m going to grab at the store…it’s like mini-Christmas-morning every time.
I think about a day of eating healthy, of not stuffing myself, of not eating sweets, and I feel a sense of dread/loss. So a lot of times I’ll walk both sides of the line. I’ll have herbal tea, unsweetened oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, a salad and almonds and veggies for lunch, and then in the afternoon I’ll justify eating a bag of Milano cookies with a huge iced coffee with cream and sugar “because I ate well the rest of the day so it doesn’t matter.” The thought of never again eating candy and cookies and pie with abandon seems so foreign and daunting and undesirable to me. I know a lot of people say, You CAN eat those things, just small portions! But not me. I need to avoid them altogether because a sugar switch gets flipped and I want to eat huge amounts and just fill myself. It’s hard to control.
I recently ordered a Varidesk standing desk for work so I’m not sitting all day. That should be delivered in the next few days. I also try to think of the candy bowl at work as a prop and not filled with anything edible!! It only works sometimes. I also own an elliptical machine in my apartment! But I’ve only used it a few times. What is wrong with me?
Last edited by Stargazing; 07-17-2014 at 12:47 PM.
Hello Stargazing! Nothing is wrong with you. You are human and fell into the same pattern some of the rest of us did. But you realize what is happening and taking steps to get healthier. So I say way to go for making changes and getting started! You can do this!
I agree. Nothing is wrong with you. You just need to turn things around. I totally understand how you miss the food and the old lifestyle, but it isn't worth having those things when you feel so miserable about how you look and your weight gain.
Just get going on your exercise, taking it one day at a time. Soon it will just be normal and you'll start feeling better. If it is too daunting to get back on track with food and exercise, start with one or the other. But as time goes on, get back on track with it all.
Remember! You don't have to be great to start. You have to start to be great!
If something's wrong with you, then something's wrong with me too...so you're not alone. It wasn't that long ago that I was in your exact situation. Years of up and down with the weight and then on a downward spiral (up in pounds) with binge eating and no end in sight. I felt like I just couldn't stop. I couldn't go a full day without eating massive quantities of food and trying to do that made me feel insane. I felt trapped in a body I couldn't stand and I could feel the weight negatively impacting my life every single day.
But you know what? You can really turn this around. Seriously, if I can so can you.
I'll tell you what I did and what has been working for me and you probably won't like it. You have to really hit bottom to want to do what I do (in my opinion)....but from your post, I can sense that perhaps you're down there and you might be willing to do what it takes.
For me, I had to quit eating foods that I couldn't eat in moderation. That meant being really honest with myself. I really was/am addicted to those foods. I had to stop sugar and flour. I found it unthinkable to do that, but i had to just stop the insanity of my life. I knew it would be **** and it was really tough, but I did it. I also started going to OA meetings. They're free and every meeting is different (and you can be an atheist, an agnostic or religious...) and I went until I found the one that resonated with me the most.
I also don't snack more than once a day and it's a small protein and fiber snack.
I can share a lot more with you, but I"ll stop right there because you might not be interested. I just thought I'd put it out there.
I can say with all honesty that I'm incredibly happy with myself. I still have all the same problems in life, but food is not a problem for me. Is it always easy? No, I have weak moments, but I have lots of support and there are so many people I can call for help.
Regardless of what you do, I hope you don't give up. There are many paths to the same destination and I hope you find what works for you.
"It didn’t last. I don’t know if it was getting the flu or if I got comfortable—but I stopped paying attention to what I ate and fell off the wagon, gained all the weight back and then some…"
I've done that several times in my life (and I'm not even 26 yet). Something happened where I just stopped paying attention to food and what I ate and my weight. Next time I checked, I'd have gained back the weight and then some.
I am not nearly at goal yet, and I've stalled for a LONG time, but I take a bit of pride in that I haven't been obese for about 5 years (previous to that, I had been obese since about age 8, overweight earlier than that). I too got to over 200 lbs. I was nearly class 2 obese. It was not comfortable at all.
I completely get the feelings of disappointment and sadness you're feeling. I get them too. I'm not sure what to do about them, honestly, but I do know that when I've been eating well and moving more, I feel better and have much less of those sad feelings.
As for not being able to eat certain foods even in small portions, I totally get it. I have a few things like that. One thing that I read on here that works for me (when I stick to it) is to eat foods that are satisfying but not tempting; things I enjoy, but not things I could eat three cartons of.
I'll tell you something else - if you're like me, the things you can't eat for fear of massively overeating them will change. Peanut butter used to be like that for me. Now, it's no biggie. No idea why it's different now. But it changes with time, so what I eat changes. So it's unlikely you'll go forever without eating X or Y ever again, if that helps at all.
You can definitely do this. Three months is likely enough time to lose some weight before your wedding if you'd like. But even if you don't, just remember that your wedding will be wonderful at any weight; no one else will care how much you weigh, they'll just be thrilled to see you so happy.
I can really relate to your post and how you feel helpless as your weight continues to climb. How you know your behaviours are not leading to health and how you feel a huge sense of loss when you take away being able to gorge on certain unhealthy foods.
For me though, I realized that I needed to examine my relationship with food. I dove headfirst into emotional eating work and Intuitive Eating. I read tons and tons of books on the subject, and still re read them sometimes. For ME, I discovered that telling myself I can't have something never ever works. The best thing I did for myself was to start getting in touch with my hunger and satiety signals. In order to do that, I had to allow myself to get hungry. Then I would eat, paying attention to my satiety signals. It took quite a while to stop feeling like I needed to stuff myself at each meal. I also ate whatever I wanted, but I tried to wait until I was hungry. If I couldn't wait, then I allowed myself to eat and did not beat myself up. I treated myself with love and compassion and started accepting myself and my body.
I was not able to lose any weight and maintain it until I did this.
Anyway, if you are interested in that route I recommend Overcoming Overeating and Beyond Chocolate. If you want to delve deep into why you do what you do even when it conflicts with what you want, Starting Monday is a great book too. Good luck! You really can change your relationship with food and end up on a healthier path.
Last edited by Pinkhippie; 07-18-2014 at 03:02 PM.
My story
