I use to be a skinny chick for a long time. Up until I was in my forties. I started to gain weight and went thru a lot of life decisions. I am now 46 and weigh 184 lbs. Thats a far cry cry from 125. I am married and my husband wants nothing to to with me physically. In fact most men find me repulsive. People ignore me in stores in lines in the workplace, every where you can think of. So the advice of getting up and telling myself I am beautiful is pretty ****ing ridiculous in this society. I hate being treated like a ****ing blob everyday just because I am overweight. So trying to say you are so wonderful everyday really has no place in the real society, because they look at you like your a sick monster. I have never been so looked down on, you can see it in peoples eyes. I hate the way I look. I am a fat person. I am not ugly, and have been always been thought of as a beautiful woman until I gained weight. This will not go away. Even woman treat you like a blob of ****! I hate my self and will do anything in my power to change.
Society is wrong. We can either contribute to the evil by believing and living in a way that reinforces the lie that fat or other features social norms deem "unattractive" make a person worthless and unworthy of respect or we can stand up for the truth that fat is only fat. It can be unhealthy, it can reduce (but not extinguish) physical beauty (and it can't touch beauty of the soul).
I am an amazing woman who happens to be obese. I have struggled most of my 47 years to fit into society's standard of attractiveness... and have failed more than I succeeded, even though I succeeded at nearly everything else I tried.
Call it denial if you want, but being ok with my weight helped me like myself and choose to live a full and rewarding life as possible. And living well, considering myself a beautiful person, inside and out enabled me to find success in weight loss too.
Most men may find me repulsive, but I don't give a sh** about most men. The men I have dated were all amazing, intelligent, compassionate, successful, sexy men. Some were attractive by society's standards, but all were attractive by mine. My husband, a big, sexy man himself, is so charming he still has to beat off women of all ages and levels of "beauty" with a stick. Women who think he should jump at the chance to dump his sick, disabled, fat wife... but he has eyes only for me. We both took our vows of "better or worse, in sickness and in health..." very seriously, and if a marriage can't withstand a few or fifty pounds, how could it weather bankruptcy, job losses, cancer scares, breast scarring, disabling and disfiguring disease... (ours has endured all those things).
My fat may be unsightly, but not as ugly as the seborrheic dermatitis that causes red, weepy, crusty, oozy sores on my face that hubby, not-so-endearingly calls "face rot."
To **** with what other people think. I do not get ignored by store clerks because I look them straight in the eye and force them to recognize me. I do it with a smile, and most smile back. When I flirted with men, most flirted back - even if they weren't interested.
I treat myself like I deserve love and respect and if others don't I confront them. Most have the decency to be ashamed.
Of course I wish I could be effortlessly slim, that I didn't find my weight so difficult to control, but I'll be ****** if I'm going to let small-minded fools rob me of joy, self-confidence, accomplishment, respect and love.
The people who love and respect me regardless of the size of my *** may not be in the majority, but they're the only people I give a rat's **** about.
Hi Susan! And . I know exactly what you are feeling. In college I weighed 125. In my early married life, I was 135. Because of stresses in my life, meds, etc., I ended up over 200 lbs in my 40's, so I understand that "invisible" feeling you're talking about. People used to think I was nice and beautiful. Now they think I'm nice, which is not a bad thing, but it was a blow to the self-esteem and took some getting used to. Anyway, you sound so hopeless but all is not lost! You just need to get started. Break it down so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Concentrate on losing only 5 lbs. That will take you out of the 180's, forever! That's huge! Then go for another 5 lbs, etc. All those mini-goals are successes and they will lead you back to the thinner, healthier you that you remember and recognize! You can do this! And we will support you here! I'm so glad you found us! Browse around and join in on the threads. The more you get involved, the more motivated you'll be. Also, check out the sub-forum "Chicks Up for a Challenge" under Support Groups. It's a great place to help keep you motivated and accountable and we love new members there! So look up! From here on, things are going to get better! Good luck!
Society is wrong. We can either contribute to the evil by believing and living in a way that reinforces the lie that fat or other features social norms deem "unattractive" make a person worthless and unworthy of respect or we can stand up for the truth that fat is only fat. It can be unhealthy, it can reduce (but not extinguish) physical beauty (and it can't touch beauty of the soul).
I am an amazing woman who happens to be obese. I have struggled most of my 47 years to fit into society's standard of attractiveness... and have failed more than I succeeded, even though I succeeded at nearly everything else I tried.
Call it denial if you want, but being ok with my weight helped me like myself and choose to live a full and rewarding life as possible. And living well, considering myself a beautiful person, inside and out enabled me to find success in weight loss too.
Most men may find me repulsive, but I don't give a sh** about most men. The men I have dated were all amazing, intelligent, compassionate, successful, sexy men. Some were attractive by society's standards, but all were attractive by mine. My husband, a big, sexy man himself, is so charming he still has to beat off women of all ages and levels of "beauty" with a stick. Women who think he should jump at the chance to dump his sick, disabled, fat wife... but he has eyes only for me. We both took our vows of "better or worse, in sickness and in health..." very seriously, and if a marriage can't withstand a few or fifty pounds, how could it weather bankruptcy, job losses, cancer scares, breast scarring, disabling and disfiguring disease... (ours has endured all those things).
My fat may be unsightly, but not as ugly as the seborrheic dermatitis that causes red, weepy, crusty, oozy sores on my face that hubby, not-so-endearingly calls "face rot."
To **** with what other people think. I do not get ignored by store clerks because I look them straight in the eye and force them to recognize me. I do it with a smile, and most smile back. When I flirted with men, most flirted back - even if they weren't interested.
I treat myself like I deserve love and respect and if others don't I confront them. Most have the decency to be ashamed.
Of course I wish I could be effortlessly slim, that I didn't find my weight so difficult to control, but I'll be ****** if I'm going to let small-minded fools rob me of joy, self-confidence, accomplishment, respect and love.
The people who love and respect me regardless of the size of my *** may not be in the majority, but they're the only people I give a rat's **** about.
Beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, Kaplods. They are a gem.
Susan, I'm sorry to hear you feel distraught about your weight. It sounds super hard. I'm also sorry you are surrounded by folks who seem to have trouble appreciating the person you are and all of the wonderful traits you bring to the table at ANY weight. THAT person is surely more important than an extra 50 lbs, imo, and it's a shame when someone is unable to recognize that.
I wish you the best of luck with your goals if weight loss is what you wish for. However, I also wish you tremendous luck in finding love for yourself regardless of your weight. You deserve to love yourself, you deserve to feel loved, and you deserve to be kind and receive kindness at any weight. Being fat is not always easy, but it should never lead to self-hatred or hatred from others, and I know it's so easy to internalize those messages. It's the easiest thing in the world. But you can be the change. You can say no. You can love yourself... I hope you do. Good luck!
Last edited by belovedspirit; 09-21-2013 at 08:52 AM.
Susan, I can't add anything to the wonderful and very helpful comments already posted. Just wanted to say
Sorry you are feeling discouraged but there's just so much good support here. Have you thought about what kind of plan you're going to use? Don't think "diet" - think lifestyle change, concentrate on your health! And take it one day at a time. We're here for you!
I know my post sounded like an angry rant, and it was, but not AT you Susan, but FOR you, and for ALL of us.
Being anything you don't want to be sucks, especially if it's something strangers and loved ones also don't want you to be. Adding self-loathing to the mix only makes it suck more, and makes it harder to change. Human beings have trouble helping people they hate, even (perhaps especially) if the hated person is themselves. After all, if you're worthless, why bother, you're not worth the effort. Food becomes a way to hurt the parts of you you hate, while consoling and comforting the part you still care about. It becomes a trap.
To escape the trap, you have to learn to think and behave VERY differently than "society" tells us to. Most of he popular diet plans have it all wrong, because they reinforce the "hate the fat off as quickly as possible" mindset that actually makes it HARDER to get the weight off because it reinforces the failure cycle
Hate yourself badly enough to deny yourself all food pleasures
See some weight loss
Get excited and decide maybe you are worth something
Continue losing weight and gaining self esteem
See the light at the end of the tunnel
See weight loss start to slow
Get scared
Punish yourself harder and harder, but see smaller and smaller losses
Decide you need a "reward" for all the hard work and eat something you shouldn't
See a gain, stall, or "too small" loss on the scale
Get frustrated, that tunnel is getting longer and the light is becoming harder to see
And when you can't see the light, decide the effort is worthless
And if you're going to be fat anyway, decide you deserve to be able to eat what you want
Binge or eat mindlessly until you regain all of the weight (and usually more)
Get desperate enough to begin the whole cycle again.
That's the path "society" sets for us. Break the mold and there are social repercussions. People tell you that you must be delusional to like yourself. You must have convinced yourself that fat is ok, because you reject deprivational dieting and you're not ashamed to swim, dance otherwise be active in public. And if you appear to be enjoying yourself in any way, why you must be completely off your rocker. If you don't hole yourself up in a cave until you become a socially acceptable size, you're committing a crime against humanity. If you don't eat high calorie foods when others want you, you're rude, a fanatic, a party pooper, a spoilsport, a bummer, no fun to be around.
It's hard to reject social norms, especially the judgement f what seems to be the majority and those close to you, but to succeed at weight management, you have to reject the social mandates that say "eat crap and don't exercise," and equally important to reject the messages that say you are worthless and unlovable unless you look a certain way.
To fit the social ideal, you would need magic (or a boatload of cosmetics and frequent liposuction) because you would eat whatever you wanted, never exercise, and still miraculously be thin with a glowing complexion.
You can't have it all, so you have to prioritize and pick your battles. Some decide the battle with fat isn't worth it and they stop fighting it and surround themselves with people who like or accept them as they are. That isn't denial. It's a choice. A short-sighted one in some cases, but one that most of us will make at some point. Will it come at 100 lbs overweight or at 10 lbs underweight but 10 lbs more than we want to be.
I know this became a rant again, but this is important. We can't succeed at weight management and believe everything "society" tells us.
Susan, if you want to lose weight, for yourself, whether or not it's influenced by how others are treating you, if you are unhappy with the way you look and feel at your current weight, as I am, you can change it. Just take it one step at a time and set small goals and they will get you to where you want to be. Lots of people on here have done it and maintained their losses (just check out the success stories and maintainers forum), and you can do it too! I have always counted calories in the past. I've since discovered that does not work for me. Sometimes you find things out like that the hard way. I have a carb sensitivity and am finding real success now by cutting back on breads and pasta, etc. Others here do very well with counting calories or on plans like Jenny Craig, etc. You have to find what works for you. Nothing is written in stone and you can always switch if you find something isn't working for you. Likewise with exercise. I am not much of an exerciser. I walk a bit but that's about it. Others here are big exercisers. Again, do what you find works for you. You don't have to do everything at once. Just start, with one small goal at a time. You can do this, if you want to, and you can succeed!
Susan, I'm sorry that you have felt yourself being treated this way. I am concerned for you that you seem to feel that *everyone* treats you this way. I am 30 pounds heavier than you've ever been, and even at my highest weight 30 pounds ago I never felt like I was treated poorly by society as a whole because of my weight. Certain particular people, including some who are supposed to love me, definitely treated me like human garbage or still do so. But in general, I never had trouble and I am generally percieved as genial, intelligent, a hard worker and stylish. All things that fat people are not supposed to be.
What I'm trying to say is that I think that you may have to resolve some pain within yourself, and it probably has to happen *before* you will be able to lose weight. Because if you don't like yourself, and if you feel like nobody likes you now, then losing the weight won't change that feeling. You'll just find new reasons why you think nobody likes you.
I do think we teach people how to treat us, and by feeling hated, you avoid eye contact, watch the ground when you walk, and send all sorts of body language signals that scream "stay away from me, your attention isn't welcome."
My thin, beautiful sister sent those signals, because she was very shy. She didn't dare much and didn't feel beautiful. As she's matured, she's gained more confidence, and a few pounds (a bit overweight, not hugely obese like me) and her social life is finally "normal" because she's broken out of her shell. She has friends and a lovely fiancee who sees her as the most beautiful woman on the planet. He's trying to get in shape (he needs to gain a few pounds, ideally of muscle) and he doesn't see her desire to lose a few as anything different.
Many of us have been taught that weight loss will trigger self-esteem and self- confidence, but I think it works better in reverse. Build self-esteem and self-confidence and you find the strength to shape your body and your life into anything you want it to be.
Finding support is key, but to find it, you have to look and reach out for it. This website is a great place to do that.
184ibs is really not that much! I know it is far from your ideal weight, but it's fairly close to a healthy weight.
I think your husband is a horrible person for not loving you the same just because you gained some weight! If he gained 50 pounds, wouldn't you still want to touch him and make love to him?
And why do you care so much about what other man think of you? You don't want them either, do you? There is always gonna be some young slutty chick that will be served before you in lines ... why do you want the attention so badly?
Your in denial when you think it's ok to be fat.
And 
. I know exactly what you are feeling. In college I weighed 125. In my early married life, I was 135. Because of stresses in my life, meds, etc., I ended up over 200 lbs in my 40's, so I understand that "invisible" feeling you're talking about. People used to think I was nice and beautiful. Now they think I'm nice, which is not a bad thing, but it was a blow to the self-esteem and took some getting used to. Anyway, you sound so hopeless but all is not lost! You just need to get started. Break it down so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Concentrate on losing only 5 lbs. That will take you out of the 180's, forever! That's huge! Then go for another 5 lbs, etc. All those mini-goals are successes and they will lead you back to the thinner, healthier you that you remember and recognize! You can do this! And we will support you here! I'm so glad you found us! Browse around and join in on the threads. The more you get involved, the more motivated you'll be. Also, check out the sub-forum "Chicks Up for a Challenge" under Support Groups. It's a great place to help keep you motivated and accountable and we love new members there! So look up! From here on, things are going to get better! Good luck!
You always say exactly what I want to say but much more eloquently.
