Question about first dates (and any guy's input is totally welcome)
Hey everyone! Well, I have a date tonight, which I'm excited about. We are going to dinner, and the restruant has what looks like options that are both healthy and tasty, so no worries there.
But! I'm really out of practice with the dating scene, if I was every was. Its been 7 years since I had a date, much less been asked for a first one. So I was hoping to get some advise on a few things, since I'd imagine there are a few differences between dating as an undergrad with a limited budget at 21 and dating as successful career person at 29.
My big question is about paying. Is it common that the guy pays? I think I paid for my share often when I was younger, but mostly we did free stuff. And honestly, I'd probably feel more comfortable paying for myself, but I don't what to ruffle feathers, or make a big deal out of it.
Anyway, if he pays, that also brings into question about ordering. I looked at the menu, and what I would normally choose is about 6 dollars more then what would be my second choice (basically, one is steak and one is chicken.) I don't really drink alcohol, so there won't be that added to it, but still. Should I wait to see what he gets, then gauge off of that? Or am I totally over-thinking this, especially since we are both lucky enough to be able to afford a night out pretty easily.
The second question is somewhat related to weight. He asked if I had any food restrictions, and I ended up telling him that I try to eat healthy because I lost some weight (I was mainly clarifying that I wasn't vegetarian, which is why it came up at all.) But "lost some weight" and "radically changed my lifestyle and am now 112 lbs less then 3 years ago" aren't exactly the same thing in a lot of people's minds. I guess what I'm wondering is, are there topics to steer clear of on a first date (such as weight-loss, or the fact that I haven't dated in a long time?) Like, if these types of topics came up, should I just stay really surface? Or do you think someone would pick up on that, and feel like I wasn't being honest. I'm normally very straightforward, and sometimes the more delicate social interactions are hard for me. I either miss them entirely or over-think them (lol, could you tell?). I don't want to hold back, but at the same time the guy doesn't need a huge info dump from me
Thanks, and any advise is welcome, even if its just to tell me to calm down and stop making it into such a big deal
My current understanding on this based on conversations with Washington DC ladies is that guys should offer to pay. And, yes, you are overthinking on the price. If he makes a big deal about it, pay for it yourself and don't see him again!
I'm not sure about the paying. I think it depends on him and his views, too! Perhaps the best thing to do is to be yourself. After all, being yourself is the only way to know whether you two are truly compatible.
On the note of weight-loss, I (personally) would steer away from it unless he outright asks. I think it's an amazing accomplishment, but too significant to me to be something discussed on a first date.
If he asked you out, unless otherwise specified before hand, it is still appropriate for him to pay for the first date. As to what to order, I'm one of those that always orders the least expensive item on the menu when someone else is paying but for a date, I'd say that it is important to be yourself. Order what you want and when the bill comes you can pull out your wallet to "pay your half" and if he is a true gentleman he will either insist that he pays or he will at least be grateful for your offer. Yes I know that times are hard for a lot of people but like I said above, unless the issue is brought up ahead of time it is still customary for him to pull out his wallet for at least one nice night with no strings attatched.
Last edited by JadedPhoenixBurning; 05-05-2013 at 01:50 PM.
I'm not sure about the paying. I think it depends on him and his views, too! Perhaps the best thing to do is to be yourself. After all, being yourself is the only way to know whether you two are truly compatible.
On the note of weight-loss, I (personally) would steer away from it unless he outright asks. I think it's an amazing accomplishment, but too significant to me to be something discussed on a first date.
Most importantly, have fun!
I think I need to elaborate on this. MY weight loss journey has been emotionally laden and a very, very personal challenge that has its roots in childhood. Add to that the fact that I'm a very private person, and the idea of discussing it on a first date, for me, feels uncomfortable. You definitely need to do what feels good to you. I don't think you need to feel like you should hide it (not at all!). Rather, decide how much you're willing to share and whether (for you) it transpasses the boundaries of getting to know someone.
I don't really have any advice for you because I haven't dated in 20 years. I just wanted to say how excited I am for you and tell you to HAVE FUN!!! Be yourself, and the rest will come naturally if it's meant to be.
Wow, thanks guys. All of your advise was really helpful and set my mind at ease. I'll try not to worry too much about paying and just do my best to be comfortable and natural
Belovedspirit, yeah my issue with talking about my weight loss is similar. The start of my journey was actually in therapy for something completely unrelated to weight. And while I'm not ashamed of having been in therapy and I believe its important to talk about in the right context, a first date probably isn't it.
I completely agree with JadedPhoenixBurning. If you are both working adults and it is a date, he should pay the first date (and then decide on subsequent dates what you want to do). You should offer of course (and be prepared to pay for you bit if he says yes) but I really believe a first date should be on the guy. I think it is in How I Met Your Mother and Ted really liked a girl except she didn't even make a more for her wallet to offer to pay...even though he fully intended to pay. The gesture was there lol. Have fun!!!! And definitely be yourself! That is who he liked and asked out in the first place!
As for the payment, I'd expect him to pay, but I would still make a move (reaching for my waller) suggesting I was prepared to pay my share. If he says No, I'd make sure I say thank you for inviting me.
As for weight loss, go with the flow! If he seems interested and the conversation is going very easily, no reason not to mention it brifely. I think the most important part is to not make a big deal out of it: not over-sharing, but not concealing it either. Just be fine, be natural. Kind of "I've lost lot of weight, I'm happy now, I like eating healthy" kind of attitude.
I think most guys wouldn't be put off by the fact that their girl has lost weight, but many would be put off if she made a big deal out of her figure, making it complicated to eat with her in a restaurant, would never be willing to have a little dessert or an ice-cream....see what I mean? Just being easy, relaxed, confident...that's sexiest ever, both in men and women.
Probably a reason I never had a problem getting a date, despite of my weight...
If he asked you out, then he pays. Just to be safe order one of the cheaper entrees, I would try to get a clue of what he is ordering and go from there.
I have no advice as I've been with my husband for a thousand (happy!) years, but wanted to say have fun and enjoy yourself!! No need for any serious conversations or to stress out over your dinner choice. He asked you out because he's interested in you, hope you have a good time! And we want a full report when you get home.
Hey everyone! Thanks again for the advise, it was so helpful. And since the date went on for 4 hours of us just talking, and we are planning to go out again next Friday, I'd say the date went well!
As for payment, thanks so much for the suggestion on just reaching for your wallet and letting him respond. It actually went really smooth, almost like in a movie :laugh: The place we went to had you order and pay for your meal first and I ordered first. I pulled out my wallet from my purse, and he just gently pushed it back down a little and said he had it. Then I thanked him and all was well Lol, and I ended up being in a chicken mood anyway, so worrying about price of my meal was no big deal.
And yes, you were all right about just being myself and letting myself have a good time. We have a lot of common and talked about everything from history (a common interest) and TV, to more personal things like family. It was actually pretty easy to keep things on the right depth level, so there was some genuine sharing, but no unnecessary info dump. And yes, food/weight came up a couple times, but naturally and its wasn't a big deal. The one serious time was when we were trying to decide what to do next time, and I was able to tell him not to be overly concerned about finding super "healthy" places, and that I would be able to take care of me with that regard. And its true, that's what I do when I go out with my friends, and I've been successful. But I was glad to take that bit of pressure off of him.
So yes, I'm pretty excited. Conversation doesn't always come easy for me, its always nice when I meet people that I can really talk too for long periods of time. And its even nicer when they like me and I like them Haha, and he was a gentlemen and gave me a nice big hug at the end of the date and seemed just as excited about going on another date as I was.
*Hehe, and I did have an observation about the "naturally" thin question that keeps popping up on the forum. He made a joke about how he's had girls in the past get annoyed with him because he can eat 'anything' and not gain wight, but he didn't finish his meal (said he had had a big lunch) and left some of the, admittingly big, serving ice cream he had later uneaten. So it looked like he got full and just stopped. And, as my own personal weight-loss related victory, seeing that made me realize how far I've come in three years, since during dinner I just ate my salad in between conversation, and unthinkingly didn't finish either. Before, I would have eaten everything on my plate without thinking, even though I was full half way through. My healthy habits that I taught myself are really becoming second nature to me now. (lol, and for dessert, instead of ice cream, I got an apple slice dipped in chocolate, which was actually really awesome.)
Question about first dates (and any guy's input is totally welcome)
Haha, and he was a gentlemen and gave me a nice big hug at the end of the date and seemed just as excited about going on another date as I was.