I know I will get an honest, non-biased point of view from you guys and I need your advice on something.
I've been dating someone on and off since we met online near the middle of june, so roughly 6 months. After the first date, I went as far as to state to my best male friend, "I think I just had a date with the guy I'm going to marry," which I've NEVER even come close to thinking with anyone else I've seen or dated... During those 6 months we haven't really seen alot of eachother and not by lack of trying on my part. Something always seems to come up with him. Anyways, I always have an amazing time, and since we are both broke, we usually end up hanging out at his house once every 2 1/2-3 weeks or so...
A few months ago, I asked him if he wanted to actually "Date," meaning as boyfriend/girlfriend, and he responded that hes messing up alot of stuff going on in his life and he was afraid if we did, then he would mess that up too...fast forward to a few nights ago...He agreed. But he stated that I can't be calling him up everyday because he needs his space, and that he won't change his relationship status on fb(not that it matters) because he never has...
My problem is, inbetween the time we hang out, I never hear from him. He dosen't drop me text messages unless I do first(and even then he ignores 1/2 of them, even asking if he wants to hang out and do something) and never calls. And I always feel like he dosen't want to be with me...but when we do spend time together its amazing. And hes so sweet. The night we agreed to actually date, he stayed with me until 4 in the morning even though he had to be up at 7....
I'm wondering why someone would do that if he cares about you, and you guys are seeing eachother. I want to pull out my hair because I honestly don't feel like he gives a damn until we hang out...then I go head over heels for him, he dosen't talk to me for awhile, and the cycle repeats...
The other day on facebook, two days after we hung out and agreed to go out he posted a bunch of messages saying he was out clubbing, and "his friends were getting all the girls, and hes on the side shaking his head thinking they'll treat you like **** and hes just thinking I would treat you better but hes getting overlooked..." and getting free drinks in the VIP lounge saying "If only I had someone to share this with then it would be perfect..."
Its been 5 days since we've hung out and he's ignored most of my attempts to try and talk to him, and all efforts of hanging out.
I'm getting massivally mixed messages and I need someone elses perspective on this..
I'm sorry if this seems childish and silly...but I was late to dating (first kiss at 22...first boyfriend at 23) and I'm a little bit inexperienced with relationships
But he stated that I can't be calling him up everyday because he needs his space, and that he won't change his relationship status on fb(not that it matters) because he never has...
I'm going to be very 2004 here and say "he's not that into you". From my experience, if a guy likes you, he will make an effort to contact you and hang out with you. No effort = he's not into you.
His loss. Honestly. You are stunning, and obviously very sensitive and sweet. Don't make any excuses for him.
I'm wondering why someone would do that if he cares about you
They wouldn't. He is not dating you. You are pursuing him. If you call and he doesn't return your call well, that's your answer. You deserve more than crumbs.
What I learned is that some men manage you down so that you only expect crumbs (intermittent texts and calls) and then when they do respond, it seems like a steak (such a great time) when it really is only the bare minimum (hanging out at his place and laughing a couple of times) that you should expect from a relationship.
Try the website BaggageReclaim.com read a few of the articles and see if you find him in the pages.
You are worth more than he is giving you.
Last edited by ImImportant; 12-19-2012 at 03:40 PM.
Reason: Autocorrect
I think he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Its all on his terms. He gets to date you, but still seem available. It's a jerky thing to do. And if he has money for the club, then he should be able to take you on a proper date every once in awhile.
I am afraid I agree with all the responders. I think he is simply giving into your pursuit when the time suits him. He has said he needs his space and that you need to stop calling him, there is no clearer message than that ... other than he will not change his relationship status.
All red flags, I think.
I know it sucks but you are going to have to back off. There are lots of guys out there for amazing times ... but on your terms, not theirs!
Sorry...the excuses he is giving you are LAME. If a man likes/cares/loves you, he'll make time for you, reagrdless of whether he has $$ or not. This sounds to me like he is keeping you on the line...like for a "rainy day". You deserve better...much better.
We as women need to know that we can & do have a say in how we are to be treated. Believe me, someone who doesn't seem to have time for me...I find that I don't have time for them. When my hubby & I met we CONSTANTLY talked, CONSTANTLY saw each other & CONSTANTLY thought about each other. That was 24 years ago.
I think you should occupy yourself with something or even someone else. If he is your "one", he'll come around. If not...then your "one" is still out there & he's waiting. Believe me! I went through something like this just before I met mine. I "dated" a guy for about 8 months off & on, finally gave up...met my hubby-to-be 2-1/2 weeks later! Married him 6 months later! Go figure!
I agree with everyone else here in thinking that he doesn't sound like a very nice guy to me. Him stating that "he needs his space" right at the beginning of you dating and nervously explicitating that he doesn't want to change his relationship status rings alarm bells in my head.
I'm sure he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't see you at all, but he clearly does not want to commit and is messing with your head, which I think is very cruel and selfish on his part.
The best advice I think I can give is to let it go. He's not worth your time. Go out, have fun, meet other people who might be ready to go the distance. Even if you're still hoping for more, maybe if you back off a little bit he will realise he's losing you and make an effort, you never know. And if not, at least you won't be wasting any more time on him!
Also, I'm really sorry you're having this crappy experience with someone you thought could have been "the one". But there are others out there, I promise.
Last edited by runthecontinent; 12-18-2012 at 05:06 AM.
Op, after reading your post, I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do, and you want affirmation. So here it is: You deserve better. You are a strong woman (Just look at your ticker!), you need a strong man.
Without getting into the whole long backstory of it, I will let you know that I was in a similar situation once and eventually found out the man I was seeing was married!
Now you've been to his place so that's probably not the case here, but it does sound as though he's dating other people, or looking to at the very least.
Regardless of how he treats you when you are actually together, what's important is how he treats you all the time! As others have said, when a man is interested he generally makes it known; he'll be making the effort to call you, email you and see you whenever he can. If he felt the way about you that you feel about him he would be changing that status right away and shouting out to the rooftops that he's got himself a great girl!
I know it's difficult, but seriously, move on. He's stringing you along and it's not worth another moment of your time. I would go as far as to say you just not ever contact him. No goodbye call/text/email/date... nothing. Just stop talking to him. I think you'll see that he's not making the effort to pursue you.
^ That being said, it's not a test. No "I wonder how long it will take him to call me?" thoughts... just let it go. Chalk it up to a learning experience and do what's best for you. I promise you there are about a half a million men out there who would treat you right and respect you in the way that this man hasn't.
Best of luck to you! I know it's hard, I've BEEN there, but you will forget about him and probably sooner than you think.
I'm going to be very 2004 here and say "he's not that into you". From my experience, if a guy likes you, he will make an effort to contact you and hang out with you. No effort = he's not into you.
His loss. Honestly. You are stunning, and obviously very sensitive and sweet. Don't make any excuses for him.
I'm going to say the same thing. You aren't this guys girlfriend, you never will be. You may be a pit stop until he finds someone. I'd stop contacting him if you are looking for a committed relationship.
Everyone else has said all the things I was wanting to say while reading your post. This guy is a tool, and you are so beautiful, sweet, and caring and he does NOT deserve your time at all. You are making all the effort and he's pulling all the excuses about not calling him, no FB change, blah blah blah yet he's whining on FB about how all his friends are getting the girls and how he can treat a girl so much better than them.
The guy is a jerk. Trust me and the rest of us here and gracefully walk away. You do not owe him an explanation, and you deserve to be with someone who will put in the effort to be with you. This guy just isn't it, and you will have learned a lot about what you will and will not tolerate from men in the future. But please do not waste another second on this guy, he's absolutely not worth it, and there is a wonderful guy out there for you who won't make you second guess your actions and make you feel like you are a bother!
There isn't much I can add. Either he has another girlfriend(s) or wife (like JossFit suggested), or he is just not into you. Either way, you deserve better.
I'm curious about one thing. What is it about him that made you think that you would eventually marry him... especially If he told you up front that he "needs his space"? Is it that he is very attractive? It seems that people will put up with a lot of crap from someone they are dating if they are really attracted to them physically. I could understand if you desired your own space and was casually indifferent about him. But you are WAY more into him than he is into you. Thus, IMO, he doesn't seem to be the right fit for what you need.
One thing I think is always important to keep in mind is that relationships should be great in the beginning. You're just getting to know each other more deeply and it's exciting. There should be no time for drama yet! You're not typically going to start dating someone and be ho hum about the whole thing and then go into "omg I'm so into you" mode after a year. Relationships gain depth over time but the beginning will probably always be the most exciting.
So if you're not spending a lot of time together and getting to know each other in the beginning, I think there will (almost) always be more to the situation than meets the eye. Bottom line, you can do so much better.
Dating advice?
Lose the loser. He's not worth your time or attention.
