I thought you may be able to give me a bit of advice regarding christmas this year. Backgorund first: I'm early 20's and living at home while I finish university. I live with both parents and an older sister. I have another older sister who is married and is expecting her first child in April '13. We live in a country town with no other family and it is a 4-5 hour drive to the only living grandparent, my nanna, and about 20 other extended family members
Okay, so it is expected that we as a family will be going to visit and stay with relatives over christmas. In the past I have quite happily complied and gone along as expected. Now I have a a horrific year with regards to my weight and frankly my self esteem. My family knows nothing about this (immediate family or extended family - well the mental side of things anyway). We don't have any issues within our family and we all get along really well. They love me and I love them dearly. But there is nothing I would like more than to wave bye bye to my family on Dec 22 and spend 5 glorious days not having to worry about anyone else or what they are doing.
So my question. Is it selfish of me to want to spend christmas without my family?
And here comes the second part.
My mother and sisters are very good at making you feel guilty if they are not the centre of attention. I can hear it now: From my mother "well apparently having a family is not something she values and she hates me. I must be a useless, horrible mother". From the pregnant sister: "This is my last christmas without a baby, she needs to think about someone else for a change. she is so selfish" From the other sister "you're both right she's a *****".
Reading it back it all seems very petty, but I just want a break! I don't have the financial means to take a holiday. I work every weekend while attending school 5 days a week. We then have Compulsory placements during lesson breaks that mean i am working a 40+ hour week for no pay (for work experience and university competencies) and then work weekends so that i can contribute to the household.
I love my family dearly, I just need a break! I rarely get christmas off and I just want to relax.
I completely understand where you're coming from, and your feelings are your own to have and to feel. Life can be overwhelming and knowing that you need to have a break from it all, even for a day or two, is really important.
However, I believe the holidays, Christmas especially, is nothing if not spent with family (others may disagree). I also feel like if you did request this from your family, and they abided, you would be the one missing out, and possibly regret it later on.
I'm pretty much in the same position as you, early 20's, live at home with parents, working, going to school, etc., the only difference is I do see my extended family (one side, at least) quite regularly, but I still can't imagine not seeing and spending time with them during the holidays.
I hope none of this came off as being harsh, but I do believe if you choose to "skip" Christmas with the family that you'll be the one missing out the most.
Also, could you maybe go up separately from your immediate family, say on the 24th or something, that way you get a couple days of alone time...?
I too understand your feelings and your need for a break. However, obviously your family does NOT understand and, in fact, if your comments that they said is accurate... wow, they certainly seem self-centered, at least where this is concerned.
BUT families are not perfect, as all of us are human. I agree it would be good if you could go up separately and spend just a couple of day with them and then go have your break.
You are young, and this may sound as if it is coming from an "old lady" and, in fact it is LOL... but at 65 I can only say that I would give everything in the world to be able to spend another Christmas with my mother, and I cherish every moment we had together, even the less than perfect ones. It is going to hurt your mother a lot if you choose not to spend Christmas with her.
I can only say that I would give everything in the world to be able to spend another Christmas with my mother
This brought tears to my eyes because I feel the same.
Alwaysbeenbig, my mother was an emotional blackmailer par excellence, and a hypochondriac - also a lackluster mother, but she was also a superb pianist, extremely intelligent and funny. I never told her how much I admired and loved her and I left home at eighteen and only saw her twice since that time ... once on her deathbed when she could not talk anymore.
But we had some Christmases together, with the family. It was not at all perfect and there was grouchiness and family tiffs but it was so familiar and we played board games and watched White Christmas, even though it was Africa and hot and the day was spent mainly by or in the pool with a Christmas barbecue. Mum and I would watch The Power Game together because she and I were the only ones who liked it.
I am 61 now and I look back and wish I had made the effort to be around for family and especially mum at Christmas. I know this is only one Christmas for you but it was for me, too, when I was young and then the next year I had other arrangements and the next, and then the next.
Mum used to say she would love all her daughters just to be home again for one more Christmas. There were four of us and I was the missing one .. I needed time for me, I needed to put my energy into my study and then my work ... and then my own friends and husband. Then it was too late and I cry now if I think about it and, while I have forgiven myself because quite honestly it was the time it was and in the past, I sometimes wish so much it was different.
You truly have to do what feels right for you. Life is just about making choices and whichever one you make there is a flipside. I wish the internet had been around when I was young and I could have put your question to a group like this and got feedback. I cannot say for sure that it would have turned out differently, who could know that? I may have gone home more, been with my mum more, been annoyed as all out with it and feel put upon but I would not have these regrets and wishes and I always wonder how good it would have been to be older, sharing time with my mum as I grew and became more aware. Perhaps I could have been there for her more and perhaps the quality of her life would have been better ... and mine ... because we could have shared a more mutually adult appreciation.
Know that whatever you choose to do, and even if your family gets snarly about it, you folk do love each other.
I can totally relate to your post and can see how you would love to have 5 days to yourself. But in reality, I think you would be sad and wishing you'd gone with them.
My family is so dysfunctional now that we are grown up (I thought it would get easier when we became adults but it hasn't), there have been years that I stayed home alone with my husband and had Christmas alone. It never even felt like Christmas, very depressing even though we had a nice dinner together and watched Christmas movies.
If I had a family like yours (and esp, a nanna!), I'd be the first one in the car to have an awesome holiday.
I too am touched by the other postings here. Life is too short to not spend holidays with your family, I hope you decide to go.
I agree with the others. Christmas is a time for families.
EricAnn made a great suggestion -- can you drive separately? Head up there (early) on the 24th and leave the 26th?
I feel for you with working and going to school. I'm sure that must be very difficult and draining. But I can't imagine not spending Christmas with my family.
If you go visit with family as planned, take breaks for yourself. Go rest in your room, go for a long walk, do something to give yourself some time away from them.
Wow, I'm gonna totally be in the minority with this post, but......
I think if you want to spend this Christmas alone, then do it. I completely understand where you're coming from. Now, I love my family, all of them, and I'll also admit the last time I spent Christmas with them was over a decade ago. I literally live 8,000 miles away from my family. I can't afford to fly home to see them all the time, especially over the holidays. I live alone, I support myself, I have a full time job. I can't afford vacation time, let alone the plane tickets. Even so, I've always been kind of the loner of the family and there were times when I was a teen that the family would gather at my grandmother's house for Christmas and I'd stay home alone. It doesn't mean I don't love my family. I still see them, just not on Christmas. I don't wanna sound harsh, but Christmas is just another day. Whether I'm with them on that day or not doesn't diminish my love for them. I cherish them every other day. They know that. I end every phonecall with them with the words, I love you. And I mean it, and they know I mean it. So if I miss a day, I just missed that day.
You shouldn't have to feel bad or shamed into spending it with them if you don't want to. Do they know you love them? Do spend time with them? Just tell them that you'd rather not go. Tell them exactly why. If they try to make you feel bad for it, you can't stop them. You can decide whether their words will convince you to stay home alone or not. But don't feel bad for your decision either way.
To be honest I think that my feelings about it are all very conflicting. There are probably a couple of factors that are playing into my decision that I didn't mention.
I see my immediate family on almost a daily basis. We are pretty involved in each others lives and the extended family, aunts, uncles, nanna are all seen every couple of months.
Also I have never spent a Christmas without my family.
I think Lakilaulea summed it up pretty well in saying that christmas is just another day for us. We don't have the family traditions (Most years we don't actually bother with a tree) and all of us have worked retail at some point in our lives which basically means christmas = lots of stupid people with rediculous demands.
And in saying all of that I don't know that this actually translates into me wanting to spend christmas away from my family, but simply wanting to be alone for a while and knowing that at this time of year is simply more convenient. Add on to that, I find that I am simply mentally exhausted at the end of christmas. I'm not a particularly emotional person and sometimes have trouble really understanding why families are expected to be together on holidays, simply because I can't relate to why this activity makes people happy. All I see is a bunch of people spending money they don't have, on people they don't like, to be stressed and frustrated trying to ensure that everyone is happy only to be miserable themselves.They then spend the next week recovering and *****ing about eachother behind their backs because someone did/didn't do something.
And I have ended up blathering on.
Thank you for sharing all of your stories. I have a lot to think about and consider before I make my decision.
(Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I'm too tired to find them and correct them)
Family and christmas
