this isn't by any means a new problem for my husband and i, but it is a recurring problem. and every time we thought it was over, it starts back up again and i'm at my wits end.
just to give you a little background information, my husband's mother was always overbearing. she was always too attached to him and really hindered his ability to be independent.
well, he moved from nyc to ohio to be with me. needless to say, mama wasn't happy and neither was his father. and even though his parents are separated, she would still call his father and complain to him about every decision their son was making.
and she would give my husband every excuse not to move over here. things like, "you don't know how you'll feel living together," or, "if you break up you'll have a harder time moving back." (at the time we were dating)
when we did finally get married she would complain to my husband (and his father) how we could've waited longer and how she thought it was a bad decision. my husband quickly told her to stop talking about it and she did.
so after i thought everything was done and over with- how things have been (almost) peaches and rainbows and we could finally move on with our lives- i saw a comment on FB that really made me have to bite my tongue (or restrain my fingers in this case).
on thanksgiving my husband was simply talking about how thanksgiving was a time for family and to be thankful for what we have. his father gets on there and comments on his status, saying, "Practice what you preach, because you lost sight of what family is!!!!"
the few things i find wrong with this:
1) don't post this crap on facebook
2) why would you even say something like that?!
as much as i've been trying to bite my tongue, my patience is wearing thin. DH has tried over and over again talking to them. we were even going to take a week off next year and surprise them with a trip down there.
we just really don't know what to do from this point on. DH is a grown man with a full-time job, his own bills, his own car, his own wife, and his own life now. instead of being happy for all that he has been able to accomplish, his parents still aren't happy with the fact that he's so far away from home and (heaven forbid) he have a happy marriage and responsibilities now.
so what the heck do we do? i'm more the straight edge type. i have no problem telling them how it is. my husband, on the other hand, likes to talk to them more and explain his side. but i think that's the problem on why they still aren't getting it. i know it may be harsh, but i think just straight-up telling them to cut the crap (after we've tried multiple times to talk to them) is how the message is going to get through to them.
thanks for listening to my rambling! i just had to blow off steam after that one. haha.
Honey I am in the SAMMMMEEEEE Boat! My boyfriend of seven years is his mother's only child and his dad's 4th. So his did doesn't give a crap and leaves up alone. But his Mom is so far up our *** it is annoying as ****. She shows up to our house without notice, wants him to do everything for her ect. So 5 years ago he joined the navy and we moved out to Seattle. OH she said she was moving out there too but lucky for us his father was like "NO B!ITCH stay put!". But she is SUPER religious and we're not even close, and she used to send us cards of what ever saint and remind us to go to church even though she was told numerous times that we never EVER go. Then when she lost 70 lbs (good for her!) she decided she was going to become a missionary for me (who used to be bulimic and my boyfriend knows this) to lose weight like she did because she dosen't want her grandchildren to be fat. ASDFGHJK!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok so let me put it the same way my mom did, cause I complain to my mom ALLLLL the time, you have to say something or what ever the fock they are doing will continue. I open my mouth and tell her her back off every once and a while and my boyfriend does the same. You have to be up front. This is your life, not theirs.
My family sounds a lot like your husbands. My husband's family aren't nearly as close, and in fact even though we live a block from his sister and less than 45 minutes from both of his divorced parents, we see my out-of-state family more often than any of his. I speak to my family every month, and often a few times a month.
I don't think my family is any better or worse than my husband's family. They just have very different ideas of what family means.
You say that your husband asked them to stop talking about this stuff to you, and you say they have. That's a win.
As for what they really believe and what they write on facebook - those are their feelings and their choice. You don't want them to control your feelings and actions, you can't control theirs either, and they're just as entitled to their feelings as you are to theirs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ciao
i saw a comment on FB that really made me have to bite my tongue (or restrain my fingers in this case).
on thanksgiving my husband was simply talking about how thanksgiving was a time for family and to be thankful for what we have. his father gets on there and comments on his status, saying, "Practice what you preach, because you lost sight of what family is!!!!"
the few things i find wrong with this:
1) don't post this crap on facebook
2) why would you even say something like that?!
Facebook is 99% crap. If you don't want to read crap, don't jhave a facebook account, because you're going to read a lot of crap. Everyone shares way too much information and vomits every one of their feelings whether anyone is interested or not. That's what facebook is.
As to why your FIL would say something like that, it's because that's how he feels. Families that are close in this way, believe everyone should stay together physically and emotionally. And when someone "leaves the pack," it feels like a betrayal.
They're entitled to their feelings, and to expressing them on facebook. You have several alternatives - share your feelings with them, or delete them from your facebook account so that they can't comment on your lives.
There are other options as well, but an option you don't have is changeing their feelings about the way family members should behave.
You're not going to change who they are and how they feel. You can either accept that, or not. You say you're willing to tell them how it is, but isn't that what FIL did. he told you how it is, according to him.
You can ask him not to share his opinion. You can tell him that his opinion wasn't welcome. You can share your own opinion. You can tell them how their opinion affected you, but you can't change their opinion, or whether or not they choose to voice it.
You can choose whether or not to listen to it, and if that means changing your FB settings so that you can't see their comments (don't check their FB pages either if you don't want to see their opinions).
Or you can choose to ignore their comments (or even to laugh at them. In hubby and my case, that's what we do a lot - because our families are who they are, and nothing we're going to say is going to change that. We can accept them for who they are, or we can distance ourselves from them emotionally and physically (hubby tends to do more of the latter, and I do more of the former - because we too have different ideas of how close family - for good and bad - should be. I'm glad we don't and won't be having children because of the mixed messages we'd be sending).
A daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he marries a wife. LOL! I don't get along with my inlaws either. When we lived 2.5 hours from them we were expected to make an appearance at their home for every event - we have TONS of neices/nephews on that side of the family and we were expected to come up for every birthday, baptism, anniversary, every celebration. Once on Christmas they wanted us to drive 2.5 hours up there with our babies, spend the day with them then drive home 2.5 hours on Christmas day. I told my husband no more. We have since stayed home for Christmas and if they want to visit they are welcome. Well when our kids were about 2 and 4 we moved further away from them and closer to my parents. In 6 years the inlaws have only been to our home ONCE but they expect us to come up there all the time. We've offered to pay for their gas, rent a car, buy plane tickets or train tickets and they will not come visit us. It hurts my husband that they don't care about him or the grandchildren. It used to bother me - but not anymore. If anything it's taught me how to respect my own boys when they are adults and have their own families. I will hope they visit when they can but I will understand that they have their own families, careers and limited vacation time. I will go visit them anytime I am invited and will bite my tongue because I know it can cause hurt feelings. I will have to respect my boys and their judgement when it comes to falling in love. So long as they are happy I will be happy. So just quit worrying about them, take the high road. Don't bother engaging in the issue. The FB post was not cool. Family can always be close to your heart. Just ignore them the best you can. My mom gave me that advice 3 years into my marriage. She said it's not worth it. And she was right. I haven't worried about my inlaws since and we've been together almost 13 years. Good luck!
My husband loved my mother more than his own and she loved him.
There is also a flip side to the in-law story...thinking the in-laws are built in babysitters so you can go out every week and a bank that should bail you out when you didnt budget correctly.
Facebook is 99% crap. If you don't want to read crap, don't jhave a facebook account, because you're going to read a lot of crap. Everyone shares way too much information and vomits every one of their feelings whether anyone is interested or not. That's what facebook is.
As to why your FIL would say something like that, it's because that's how he feels. Families that are close in this way, believe everyone should stay together physically and emotionally. And when someone "leaves the pack," it feels like a betrayal.
They're entitled to their feelings, and to expressing them on facebook. You have several alternatives - share your feelings with them, or delete them from your facebook account so that they can't comment on your lives.
i have a facebook because my family is spread across the country and that's the only way i can keep in contact with them (my phone broke a while back so i reactivated my FB)
usually we don't have a problem with facebook or anyone on facebook. close friends and family we keep on there, other friends and family who cause trouble or drama we don't. when his father said was completely unexpected and inappropriate. DH and i don't post personal things on FB and we're just upset that his father posted it for everyone to see instead of calling him about it.
i guess it all just comes down to the fact that we don't want to just push them away and lose contact with them because of how they're acting. we want that to be the last resort.
i mean, eventually we want kids and we want them to have a relationship with their grandparents. unless things get straightened out and they start becoming more reasonable, working together as an extended family will be hard.
Right off the top...what your FIL said on FB was B$!!! It shows just how petty he & MIL are. I don't give a damn, you do not say hurtful things especially on a social network to your kids. It's just soooo childish.
When we grow up & get married, our lives change. Our priorities become our spouses, careers, children (even future ones)...just like it did for them when THEY got married. Butting in is not acceptable. You can't be expected to only spend all their time with the family...schedules & economics do not always permit it. And if they are sooo bitter at you 2 marrying, why would you want to spend time with them???
My parents felt H & I should have waited to get married...we married less than 6 months after our first date, that was 23+ yrs ago. I know they just had our best interest at heart, but they DID NOT understand why H & I were in our lives when we met. We were sick & tired of the dating scene & wanted to settle down. I guess proof is "in the pudding", so to speak.
You don't say how long you & your hubby have been trying to get this through their skulls. After awhile, you have to realize that they aren't going to change. Why? Cause they do not think that they are wrong. I know it's hard & it hurts (especially your hubby), but you need to do what is most healthy for your marriage, especially if you want to have children. This wedge isn't going to do anyone any good. It creates resentment & resentment only drives people away.
I'm sorry for all the drama your inlaws have caused. They should be HAPPY that their adult son is grown up & living as such...married, working & being a productive member of society. Would they rather have an adult son living at home mooching off of them being miserable & contributing NADA to society?
You are your DH's family now. Family of origin comes second. Succesful and healthy families celebrate the launching of their adult children. If not they are not looking out for their children's best interests but their own. Healthy parents do not want their adult children to be obligated to them. Parents that loved their children realize that adult children make their own families. It can be hard to do but it is likey you will need to cut them off or be subject to their narcissistic behavior. I speak from experience.
I am a young single gal and cannot speak from experience with in laws. In cases like this I honestly believe the best path to take is to kill them with kindness. Do not complain to mutual family members. Just let everything go to the best of your ability and be as sweet as pie. Do not give them ANY ammunition. If you are visiting with them and the MIL makes some infuriating comment, go upstairs and scream into a pillow, calm down in the bathroom for 20 min do whatever you have to do to smile and offer a gracious response.
Usually comments like that are designed to ellicit a response. Not giving them what they want is the best revenge.
thanks for your input, everyone. DH tried to call his father last night TWICE and his father wouldn't answer. it makes me mad that he would say something so inappropriate and then not even have the decency to answer when DH wants to talk to him. but we realize we can't waste our thoughts and time on him, waiting for him to call back when its convenient for him.
so for now we're just going to move on with our lives. DH deleted him from his facebook so there would be no more drama and no more rude surprising comments on his status.
You can't control how other people act. However, you can control how you react.
Thankfully, my side of the family is close, even though we don't see each other as often as we would like, when we do get together it's a good time.
I do love my In-laws, but boy does that side of the family keep score!
I stay out of it. Some times it makes my DH mad that I won't take his side, but after 35 years of marriage, that's his problem not mine. You see, it's usually something incredibly silly and not worth the worry.
I do find it sad that so many families do not get along, when me and mine get along so great and it's such a good feeling.
However, you have to pick your battles when it comes to family. Some things are worth fighting over, and some are not.
The FB comment was inappropriate. But, it is what it is.
Sounds to me like you need to take a no BS line with them and tell them you would like to be closer, at least as close as you can be with email and FB and phone calls, given the distance, but you will no longer tolerate the nastiness. And if they want to be nasty, they can be nasty by themselves.
I wouldn't put it quite that way, but you get the idea. Might be you should tell them you cancelled your surprise trip due to the hurtful comments, and general *****ing. Why waist a week of vacation to spend it being miserable!
Ciao, I think you are on the right track. It's not going to be easy. Course no one ever said family was easy. I think if they were, there wouldn't be sooo many dysfunctional families in this world. Which I know from personal experience.
shcirerf makes a excellent point. If they want to be mean & nasty, let them be mean & nasty ALL BY THEMSELVES. If they don't have you 2 "in the crosshairs", guess what it's all their own drama...not yours.
I walked away from a very close family member just this spring because she & her friends were always tons of drama with huge sides of mean & nasty. I got sick & tired of apologizing to my hubby for their B$ & he was tired of my tears. We are much, much happier without all of them.
I wish you & your hubby many, many years of DRAMA-FREE happiness!
I am so sorry you have been going through such a difficult time. I've had a difficult relationship with my in-laws, having dated my husband for 7 years, and been married 13. It has been hard every single year.
I can't give advice since every situation is different, but I can share what has worked for me, and what hasn't.
1) I've decided to be silent when "comments" are made. There have been some really terrible ones ("I wish my son would just hurry up and divorce you" "You have not produced any grandchildren." etc.) I realized that the individuals were angry when they said these things, and I cannot reason with an angry person. Not wasting my breath.
2) I've been there for my husband, and listened to him. Now, when he calls his family, he gets nothings but complaints and accusations. Guess who he'd rather speak with? Things are not perfect between us, but the contrast between a supportive home (ours) and the tear-you-down home he grew up in is getting bigger and bigger as time goes by. Recently he said to me "when I talk to them, I realize how sick I feel inside."
3) I am polite to them, but I don't go out of my way to meet every little demand they make. When I shop for them with my husband for the holidays, I find something that is reasonable, but I don't stress over the "you will love me if I give you this" gift. I don't kill myself over cooking for them. When they visit once a year (a brief one!) I make sure to be a considerate hostess, almost like it is some business associates coming over. I make food (and listen in silence to the complaints) but also realize that it is their issue, not mine. They are rude, I can choose to be moderately polite. I don't regret anything I say.
4) The most important: I had to take some time to "mourn" the loss of this relationship. I did not gain a mother, a father, a sister, etc. with my marriage. I know now that I wanted that, and that is what made me sad. After I accepted that they are "business associates" I can be polite, but not get hurt. I realize they don't visit for many days, and then I don't see them again for a long while.
It got better for me once I realized I was sad about not having a loving extended family, but I had friends and others who give me that extended family companionship. We see them lots!
My MIL was a bit intrusive in the beginning of our relationship - like calling up after we've had a argument that someone heard about and saying things like "What the **** is going on down there?" and so on.. I put the stops to it right away but nicely stating that I understood it was her son, but these issues are husband and wife issues and didn't involve her.
So having said that ... I have a son now and I look at things a bit different than I did before. Don't get me wrong, I DON'T agree with how your FIL dealt with feeling left out, but I sure do understand the need for a mother to keep her son close.
I hope I'm not a b!tch when the time comes but I have to say my heart will break when my son moves away. And honestly, if I'm really, really open about it ... if I think someone isn't the best thing since sliced bread, well ... it's gonna be real hard to not voice my opinion. We spend our whole lives as Mom's trying to protect them and then someone clicks the calendar and says "Ok- you're done ... no more!" That's really, really hard!
So again - not trying to say she's right, she obviously needs to work on her social skills but I CAN understand .. at least a little ... how she wants to keep her hooks in him so tight.
Maybe talking to them from that point of view might help moves things along?
4) The most important: I had to take some time to "mourn" the loss of this relationship. I did not gain a mother, a father, a sister, etc. with my marriage. I know now that I wanted that, and that is what made me sad. After I accepted that they are "business associates" I can be polite, but not get hurt. I realize they don't visit for many days, and then I don't see them again for a long while.
i think that's how i'm feeling now.
the first few years we were together i had a great relationship with them. i mean, it wasn't a close one, but it was a good one. i truly was looking forward to that second family that i could always lean on.
but these last few years, with us making our own decisions that'll affect the rest of our lives together as husband and wife, and with him moving out, they've been giving us their (negative) opinions whenever they felt necessary.
i would still like to have a relationship with them someday. but we both have to give a little, and his parents have never been able to do that. there was a point i was even willing to move out there so he wouldn't have to be away from his family, but they still felt the need to tell us where to live, how our relationship should be ran, and what good and bad decisions we were making. DH was the one that wanted to move here to get away from it. he's been happy- we've been happy- and i wish they would realize it.
Overly Attached In-Laws?
