Do you settle for happiness or comfortable (in marriage)?
Hi,
I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We initially only got married because we were expecting a child. I was 19 at the time. For the past 9 or so years I have been miserable. My husband is a wonderful man. He does everything just to make me happy. The problem is that I am not in love with him. I really care about him but the 'love' factor isn't there. I've been thinking a lot about how my life will turn out. I've stayed in this relationship only because of my son; also because it was comfortable and convenient.
We have talked about this the past 3 days and we are currently separated. I have never felt so free in my life. I don't feel suffocated. My question is do I just stay in this relationship because its comfortable and convenient or should I seek my own happiness?
I hope this doesn't sound too shallow or selfish of me. I don't have many friends since I've been married so I don't have anyone to talk to.
It sounds like you already answered your own question!
My first husband and I were both 'comfortable' and loved each other but we weren't IN LOVE anymore. We stayed married for far too long and lingered longer than we should have, but in the end got divorced and it was very amicable.
Now, I am remarried and so IN LOVE it's disgusting. My ex is also with a wonderful woman who makes him happy and has just proposed to her.
It might be rough now, but if you are no longer in love and aren't happy perhaps getting divorced is the best thing for you. Some might disagree because you do have a child and perhaps the idea of marrying only for love is somehow naive but as someone who has been there I truly believe that the temporary discomfort of divorce is totally worth the idea of finding real happiness later on down the road.
I look at love and marriage differently than most people I think, I don't believe that you can be in love with someone all the time. I think love comes and goes with the same person, but that if you work together the love will most of the time come back. There have been times I have been so unhappy in my marriage and I know hubby has too, but we always gave it time and effort to fix it. We have said "If I am unhappy like this is in 3 months and if nothing is different I think we need to break-up. I think sometimes that life, kids, bills, work stress, etc. makes us withdraw from our partner and that it can make the "love" leave. My hubby feels the same way. The movies make it seem like marriage is always flowers and romance and it just isn't like that in real life. I married way too young, hubby was way too young, we were engaged & pregnant when we married, we hadn't even known each other a year. We just celebrated 17 years together and still are in love, more than when we first got together.
However, if you are unhappy, have been unhappy for that long and feel so much relief at being single, then you have to do what you feel is right for you. I don't think that forcing yourself to stay in a marriage when you are miserable for years is healthy.
It is especially hard when you have kids almost as long as you have had each other, you just never got that couple time that is needed to really unite as a couple, hubby and I struggle with that sometimes.
Bottom line is you have to do what makes you feel right, maybe with some time apart you will want to go back to him, maybe not. Life is too short and too precious to be miserable every day.
I was once married for the sake of my child... Tried to make it work but we didn't love each other the way we should have. I am now with someone for 3 years and no matter what stress we have in our life, we are still always IN LOVE! There's not a moment that passes that I can ever imagine my life without him in it. What's even better is that he loves and accepts my child as if she were his own. I believe that marriage takes work but that at some point, if the love is fleeting... Or just gone altogether, it's not worth the fight. You will find someone who makes you still feel butterflies when they call or when they say I love you. Love doesn't come and go. Love is supposed to be forever.
your happiness is greater than the convenience of your marriage. like you said, you feel free being separated. why make yourself miserable just for the convenience of having a spouse?
it sounds a great deal like you're ready to move on. best of luck to you in your decision!
Marrying because of pregnancy is crazy, unless you are truly in love. Also marrying young tends to not work out, as one partner matures and grows the other may not.
The only reason to Marry is LOve, not pregnancy, money, convenience, etc, because you both will wind up unhappy.
Marrying because of pregnancy is crazy, unless you are truly in love. Also marrying young tends to not work out, as one partner matures and grows the other may not.
The only reason to Marry is LOve, not pregnancy, money, convenience, etc, because you both will wind up unhappy.
This was the mistake that I made. I thought I was in love. I was young and stupid. Another reason I married him was because I was afraid of being a single parent at 19. I was terrified. Another reason was to satisfy our parents. I forced myself to stay in this relationship because we have a child together. I now realize that I am hurting myself more than I am anyone else.
The problem I'm having is that I don't want to hurt my husband. I worry that getting a divorce will hurt him. I have always thought of others feelings before my own. I am at a lost as to whether I want to seek out my own happiness or worry about my husband's feelings and be miserable forever.
I haven't been able to eat or sleep these past few days and its taking a toll on my body. All I do is sleep.
When two people marry for the wrong reason (not simply because they love each other), there are bound to be two unhappy people and the marriage will end. You married because you were PG. I married to get out of the house where my dad made life miserable.
I stayed married for 24 years. The last 15 were very lonely, because I felt like I was living with my brother not my husband. I tried counseling. He didn't feel it was necessary, so he only went twice. I stayed the last 15 years for the kids. I wanted them to grow up with both parents and I didn't want to worry about them growing up with some step-stranger.
My husband had been a good man. I thought that I was doing all the decent things when I filed for the divorce (leaving the house so I wouldn't be "putting him out", helping with chores even after I left, etc.). When it came to getting the divorce, he broke his word on promises he had made in regard to the real estate and he lawyered-up to avoid giving me half of our assets. (And I whole-heartedly believe that when a couple is married for THAT long, each is entitled to half.) So, he ended up not the person that I thought he was.
In my opinion, couples should try to make the marriage work, especially if kids are involved. Maybe you should draw a line down the center of the paper, and write "Pros" in one column and "Cons" in the other. List the things about your husband or the marriage in the appropriate column. I think counseling would help. (Or at least you can say that you tried that avenue.)
I believe that two people aren't ALWAYS "in love". I think love ebbs and flows. The most important things are respect and trust.
Being "in love" psychologically is an aberration. It is about hormones, physical responses, chemicals that produce swiftly beating hearts, feelings of being vitally alive and on the edge of the seat feelings that make it impossible to view your target with anything other than profound desire and excitement.
It is necessary for mating and procreation and, by the time you have met its expectations, you have moved onto the next bonding stage ... usually babies and nesting.
"Being in love" needs demystification and understanding. With many people it it becomes an addiction like any other because of the chemical, physiological buzz ... as if life and relationship commitments are conditional upon it. Without it people cannot conceive any relationship succeeding and thus none ever will simply because people never remain in a union long enough to move onto the second, and most powerful stage of a relationship ... devotion and commitment.
When you are over the being in love bit, which is usually, truly, only about four months of psychological mayham, if you can look at your partner and realise you admire him, you can trust him, you can share all your secrets and know his and still care deeply for him as he will for you ... if you have built ideas with him, still enjoy his touch and enjoy touching him and if you can see a future of sharing this bond together ... then you truly, truly love.
If you look forward to coming home, and he does, each day after work and sharing a meal and the details of your day, and laugh together, cry together ... stand together when times are tough. When you can disagree, fight and come together afterwards with new understanding and awareness. When you can look back and know you pulled through it together in a way that you could never have done alone ...
Then you love, then you are devoted, then you are committed.
Love being in love while you are ... then move on to what really makes a union - devotion.
Sinoia said it perfectly. Being 'in love' in the physiological, emotional, infatuation sense does NOT sustain a relationship long term. It is temporary, and while lovely, it has no durability to withstand the trials of life OR the test of time.
I don't love my husband the same way I did when we were courting, where we could talk for hours excitedly, I couldn't get enough of the fun dates and interactions, and I thought about him endlessly throughout my day. I am not infatuated or in puppy love with my husband.
I love my husband deeply and truly, more than any other human being in my life. Where I once had excitement and hormones, I now have abiding respect and true intimacy. Where I thought about him endlessly, daydream as it were, I know have a full and real understand of who he is and is not, and find fulfillment in that relationship. I don't need daydreams anymore! When bills need paid and no babysitters are available, I have learned to enjoy his company and the situation WITHOUT the need for expensive food or outing. We made a commitment when got married that we would not part until death and that stands. Forever. Divorce is not in our marital vocabulary and never has been. That means when I'm tired and he's stressed we don't have an escape. We have to MAKE it work. And that difficulty, though its incredibly challenging and sometimes emotionally hard, has forced us both to dig deeper, work harder, and fight for even more love and a firmer commitment. We've come out of those really rough seasons more intimately in love with one another than ever. And that wouldn't have ever happened if we didn't persist even when the good feelings and pheremones were gone, and only the commitment remained.
Too many people treat marriage as a fair-weather convenience. Stick around as long as you enjoy it, exit when the enjoyment wanes. It's sick and a mockery of real marital commitment, and these people don't realize they are cheating themselves of the personal and relational growth that can only be had in the midst of strife.
Now. That's not to say there may not be legitimate reasons to leave a relationship. Abuse, real neglect, a dangerous or financially untenable situation where the safety and well being of yourself and any children are in jeopardy. Short of that? ANY marital problem, including adultery, addiction, financial irresponsibility, a lack of intimacy, a personality discord, etc. can be be healed with commitment and attention from one or both parties. Love and intimacy and eager excitement for the one you're with can come back. Even in the middle of insane busyness and pregnancy blahs my husband and I still have an incredibly creative and enjoyable sex life. It isn't because it happened by magic (my first pregnancy we came together twice the entire duration! I had NO love or physical affection for him!) but rather both people putting real effort into celebrating and working at a fulfilling, desirous relationship. It was a CHOICE, not just lucky chemistry or superior selection of mates.
My husband will never be ideal, and I certainly never will. That doesn't mean our marriage cannot be amazing, if only we commit to making it so.
Marriage is so much more than a dissolvable legal union or hot sex and infatuation. Spending one's life in pursuit of that is the very definition of a selfish and vain pursuit. I might be misreading your comments but if that is what is at the root I really beg you and your husband to go into counseling and talk about this, making a concerted effort to FIND more joy and excitement in one another before seeking it from another man
I was once married for the sake of my child... Tried to make it work but we didn't love each other the way we should have. I am now with someone for 3 years and no matter what stress we have in our life, we are still always IN LOVE! There's not a moment that passes that I can ever imagine my life without him in it. What's even better is that he loves and accepts my child as if she were his own. I believe that marriage takes work but that at some point, if the love is fleeting... Or just gone altogether, it's not worth the fight. You will find someone who makes you still feel butterflies when they call or when they say I love you. Love doesn't come and go. Love is supposed to be forever.
This is where the terms get confusing. What composes love early in a relationship versus mature love deep in a marriage are entirely different. But the same word gets used for each. I literally wasn't capable of loving my boyfriend/fiancé in the same way I love the same man who is now my husband. It took time, trials, trust, and an ever deepening physical and emotional intimacy that could only be forged through the first two items in the list. Just because I don't have the all-consuming early infatuation of a new attraction doesn't mean love, or even sexual desire, is gone! But these things grow and mature with time, no they do indeed look very different than what they looked like the day we married. I still love my husband, in fact far more than I did before, but it doesn't manifest or feel the same way.
Now, maybe you're just really different than me, but I do think some of this is a confusion of terms and not a difference of opinion. Mature love and new love aren't the same thing, but both have their place in the timeline of a life together.
Why don't you have friends? Does he not want you to have friends?
I am reading that you were "miserable" and felt "suffocated" but now you are feeling lonely because you don't have friends. Of course you would feel suffocated if your only social interaction was with your spouse. I guess I don't see this as an either-or situation, because you can still be married and have your own space/time/life, unless the spouse is controlling.
I think the separation is good. Go get some counseling (separately and/or together). Make some friends. See if you can find a happy medium here.
A big factor in my divorce was that my ex didn't want me to have friends, spend time with family, invite people to our home, etc.
Taryl: Those are some good points. It's really nice to see people who do make their marriage work beyond the "honeymoon" stage. Not to delve too deep into my past marriage and therefore, further hijacking this thread, I will say that what you probably had with your husband pre-marriage, sounds much different than what I experienced with my now ex-husband. I was 20 when I dated him, had my daughter at 21 and didn't marry him until I was 24. I knew from the beginning that I didn't have a very strong connection with him , however, I felt like I owed it to my daughter to make it work. Long story short, I realized that the infidelity, unwillingness to help provide for his family among many other things... That just isn't what love is. And what I DID owe to my daughter was to show her that mama deserved to be happy and to be shown love and respect.
Yes, love is a feeling... It's the butterflies, excitement, feeling like you're on top of the world with that person. It's an action too. It's never taking that person for granted, never betraying, never being harmful or doing anything to break the others trust. This is what I have now. Granted, we've only been together 3 years, but I have a deeper connection with him than I ever have with anyone in my life. He is my best friend, my companion and absolutely certain that he is my soul mate. I may not always get butterflies when he calls, but I'm fairly certain I will always stay as much in love with him if not more than I am now. Relationships/marriage ARE work... However, I believe it shouldn't come at the expense of one's happiness.
Do you settle for happiness or comfortable (in marriage)?
