Hello everyone. I apologize in advance for the depressing nature of this topic but I really could use advice and support from you wonderful chicks.
My family and I recently found out that my grandma has cancer. At first the doctors said it wasn't bad at all and she had a very good chance for recovery. It turns out they weren't looking in the right spot. After she fell twice my grandpa took her to a different hospital. It turns out she has brain cancer, liver cancer, and neuroendocrine cancer. They don't know where the cancer originated, they just know it's getting worse. She's going through chemo and radiation to try and slow the cancer down. Even with treatment Grandma has a year to live- tops.
My mom is going to fly down and stay with them to help out for a month at a time. Therefore I will be taking care of the house and most of her chores such as laundry and cooking, etc. I'm a 16 year old- I'm going into 11th grade. I'm in 4 AP classes, 4 honors classes. I'm going to forfeit my position as debate captain and quit piano so I can keep up my grades and also have the time to do the work around the house. I love debate and piano so much, but my grades and family come first. I need advice on how to best handle all of this. I want to do all that I can to support my mom and grandma through this and I want to be able to support my dad and brother. I also need to maintain A's in all my classes.
So here's what I really want to ask: How can I prepare myself for the emotional turmoil and also for the responsibilities I now have? And most importantly....how can I support my family through their own grief about the situation?
Thank you so much for listening. It means the world to me.
I'm so sorry for you to be dealing with so much at such a young age. My m hot breast cancer when I was 11 and she died of a tumor when I just turned 19. It takes strength and finding a good circle of people who support you even if it'd just to be there to hug you when you feel your world is shattering all around you. Try to keep in mind you are needed yo help the family but don't lose sight of making sure you're okay too
Even if you worry its selfish, you need to take care of yourself so you can help everyone else.im sure your family wants you to succeed and your grandmother wouldn't want to be what brings you down. I know how tough it is to be forced into such a difficult position so I hope you don't make the mistake I did. I was so busy taking care of things and trying to hold it together that I had a massive breakdown later on. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you.
Are there no other family members at home that can help you ?
Well I have a twin brother and a dad but they're not in the position to help. My brother is considered the smarter and more talented child out of the two of us. While he's not taking as rigorous classes as I am, my parents feel that it's best that he just focus on his piano and schoolwork. My parents feel that I have less to lose and that I should support my brother. Regardless of all of this I've always been the one to be in AP and honors classes and be in 5 different clubs while my brother hasn't. I can best handle the extra chores and such since I normally handle many different things at once. My dad is constantly stressed by work... and he's scary when he's stressed. More chores would stress him out more and I hate being around him when he's stressed.
I'm so sorry for you to be dealing with so much at such a young age. My m hot breast cancer when I was 11 and she died of a tumor when I just turned 19. It takes strength and finding a good circle of people who support you even if it'd just to be there to hug you when you feel your world is shattering all around you. Try to keep in mind you are needed yo help the family but don't lose sight of making sure you're okay too
Even if you worry its selfish, you need to take care of yourself so you can help everyone else.im sure your family wants you to succeed and your grandmother wouldn't want to be what brings you down. I know how tough it is to be forced into such a difficult position so I hope you don't make the mistake I did. I was so busy taking care of things and trying to hold it together that I had a massive breakdown later on. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I haven't told any of my friends about everything yet. I'd feel bad if they worried about me. I have always tried to handle hard events by myself and not tell anyone and it's gets so painful sometimes and then I just break down. I really want to try to talk to my friends about it. But I'm afraid to. I don't want them to worry over me. I'd feel terrible making them worry about me. I'm also afraid (and I realize this is stupid) that they'd think less of me since I'm not strong enough to handle everything myself and help the people who I care about enough.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I haven't told any of my friends about everything yet. I'd feel bad if they worried about me. I have always tried to handle hard events by myself and not tell anyone and it's gets so painful sometimes and then I just break down. I really want to try to talk to my friends about it. But I'm afraid to. I don't want them to worry over me. I'd feel terrible making them worry about me. I'm also afraid (and I realize this is stupid) that they'd think less of me since I'm not strong enough to handle everything myself and help the people who I care about enough.
I'm the same way so I totally understand. When you're the kid that will always be treated second (my brother was always Mr perfect even screwing up lol) you end up being guarded and always taking on more than you should. Its not stupid to worry your friends will worry too much or will see you different. Its hard to know how to react when you're young. You'll truly see who your real friends are and trust me lol good friends will get mad if you keep it from them. I found from my experience that when I did break and let people in they actually said they saw how strong I was to actually talk and cry about it. Its so difficult though to be vulnerable even with friends.
I'm the same way so I totally understand. When you're the kid that will always be treated second (my brother was always Mr perfect even screwing up lol) you end up being guarded and always taking on more than you should. Its not stupid to worry your friends will worry too much or will see you different. Its hard to know how to react when you're young. You'll truly see who your real friends are and trust me lol good friends will get mad if you keep it from them. I found from my experience that when I did break and let people in they actually said they saw how strong I was to actually talk and cry about it. Its so difficult though to be vulnerable even with friends.
Yeah I just wish it wasn't always about who's first and second. I wish I wasn't better or worse or smarter or stupider or anything. I don't understand why we both can't just be smart or both be good people or both be number one. Or at the very least I wasn't aware of any of this. I wish I wasn't always staring it all in the face. It hurts.
My past experiences about talking to people hasn't been to good so it's probably apart of why I'm the way I am. Plus most of my friends I've talked to don't really "get it". My best friend ever (let's call him R) committed suicide a few months ago. I tried talking about it to some of my friends and... they said they knew exactly how I felt and I should just get over it and not dwell on it. I know they meant well but it kind of hurts and it just makes me feel more alone when people do that. R would be the person I'd talk to about all of this but... that's not really an option. Ug okay I'm spiraling into depression as I type this. I'm going to go take a break from all of this.
You've gone through so much already in life. You should realize you're stronger than you think to have survived and do so well in school throughout this! Its annoying when people think the best advice is to get over it. That takes time and isn't a simple process. Try and take a deep breath and work things out at your own pace. I've grown to be a loner myself so I understand its easier to deal with it away from people you know. Sounds weird I bet but people I talked to online always had better advice than most my friends lol. I tend to isolate myself and friends fight tooth and nail to get me out. Anyway, I do hope the best for you and here to talk if you want take some time and pamper yourself because you definitely deserve a break
My goodness, my heart goes out to you. So much to deal with! It's so unfair that your brother gets to do all that when clearly you too are extremely articulate and intelligent. Honestly, your post was so clear and well-written that I thought you were much older until you said you were 16! My dad died of cancer and that is a tough row to hoe. I was sort of like you...must keep up grades, must look after everyone else....everyone else but me. Sometimes going up into your head (as I can see you do) is a good thing, and sometimes it will drive you nuts, lol.
Be kind to yourself and remember that you are every bit as worthy of care as anyone else in your family.
p.s. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve that too...maybe not right now, but when you can deal.
You've gone through so much already in life. You should realize you're stronger than you think to have survived and do so well in school throughout this! Its annoying when people think the best advice is to get over it. That takes time and isn't a simple process. Try and take a deep breath and work things out at your own pace. I've grown to be a loner myself so I understand its easier to deal with it away from people you know. Sounds weird I bet but people I talked to online always had better advice than most my friends lol. I tend to isolate myself and friends fight tooth and nail to get me out. Anyway, I do hope the best for you and here to talk if you want take some time and pamper yourself because you definitely deserve a break
I'm not sure if I'd call it strength. I just always get done what's asked of me. When difficult things are asked of me I just focus on getting it done rather than focusing on how hard it is to get it done.
I don't like it when people tell me to "snap out of it" or "just get over it" because, as you said, it's a slow process. I've never really talked to anyone in person or online about this. I did, however, think that perhaps the online community might have a wider and wiser variety of people so I decided to give this a shot. I wasn't disappointed to say the least!
I sometimes isolate myself but it's usually not conscious. It's probably because I don't always know how I feel so I try to shy away from feelings I can't clearly identify or label. I know it's odd to say this but I'm much better at telling or "sensing" how other people feel than identifying my own feelings. I'm also the advice giver of the group yet I'm actually awful at helping myself out. Funny how things work out right?
I can't take a break quite yet. I have a bunch of papers to write for school and I've also got my "summer job" to stay diligent about. Luckily next Friday I'll be spending a whole week with my friend at the beach so if I can make it until then I should be good.
Thanks for your words of support. I appreciate it immensely.
My goodness, my heart goes out to you. So much to deal with! It's so unfair that your brother gets to do all that when clearly you too are extremely articulate and intelligent. Honestly, your post was so clear and well-written that I thought you were much older until you said you were 16! My dad died of cancer and that is a tough row to hoe. I was sort of like you...must keep up grades, must look after everyone else....everyone else but me. Sometimes going up into your head (as I can see you do) is a good thing, and sometimes it will drive you nuts, lol.
Be kind to yourself and remember that you are every bit as worthy of care as anyone else in your family.
p.s. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend too. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve that too...maybe not right now, but when you can deal.
Thanks for the reply! My parents value specific sciences and math mostly. The only classes I do very well in are various English, social studies, and arts. They're mostly frustrated that I only skipped a year in math not math AND science. The only thing I personally feel I'm decent at is writing. I'm really happy you think I write in an articulate and intelligent manner. It makes me happy.
I'm really sorry about the death of your dad. My heart goes out to you. Losing someone you're close to is excruciating.
I do go up in my head. It's my little "mind palace" if you will. It sometimes makes things easier to get through. Keeping up my grades and supporting everyone is my main priority in all of this. My retreat into my "mind palace" is probably what keeps me sane and grounded.
Thanks for your support. I feel a little bit better now. And I will try to take care of myself more. :-)
Last edited by Rose Elizabeth; 07-28-2012 at 02:21 PM.
Have you tried talking to your parents about this? They are being *extremely* unfair to you and also very sexist. Your brother and your father also need to help out and make sacrifices, not just you. What you are describing is ridiculous!
DietVet- My parents and I aren't overly close. Also my father really isn't home much and my mom doesn't really think their decisions are open to discussion or revision. I don't really agree with the way things are but I've come to just make the best out of it. Besides in 2 years I'll be in college where all of this will hopefully be behind me.
I don't think it's an issue of gender. It's simply that they believe he has more of a future than I do. My parents want both of us to go into the hardcore sciences. They know I don't care for calc or physics. They don't like it that I prefer English, social studies, debate, humanities, biology, and things like that more than electronics, calc, and physics. While I'm in AP Bio, and AP Calc, they're displeased that I like AP English and AP US History more. It's kind of silly really.
I really wish I wasn't the only person really stepping up but I can't force my brother or my father to step up. I tried talking to my brother about trying to split up the responsibilities but he just told me I couldn't tell him what to do.
Hmmm. Even if you were a complete fool and have a brother who is a genius and guaranteed to make huge money, there's no excuse for your family to treat you like an indentured servant.
Good luck to you. You seem like a smart, good-hearted girl who is going to be just fine. In the interim, do as little as possible around the house and leave your brother to fend for himself. (You can't force him to help out, but you can choose to not enable his self-centeredness and laziness... )
Make sure you take some time to do something that you enjoy. Frankly I think you should not give up both piano and debate. There's no reason your brother and dad cannot help with chores. What a shame. I feel for you. Your future will undoubtedly be very bright.
So, yes, take some mental health time for yourself regularly. Remember you have the right to grieve so many things: your friend, your grandma, even the loss of these activities you love.
Cancer and Advice on Family Situation
I haven't told any of my friends about everything yet. I'd feel bad if they worried about me. I have always tried to handle hard events by myself and not tell anyone and it's gets so painful sometimes and then I just break down. I really want to try to talk to my friends about it. But I'm afraid to. I don't want them to worry over me. I'd feel terrible making them worry about me. I'm also afraid (and I realize this is stupid) that they'd think less of me since I'm not strong enough to handle everything myself and help the people who I care about enough.
take some time and pamper yourself because you definitely deserve a break
