My problem this time? Sex.

BF and I had an awkward moment last night while doing the deed, and this is what it's coming down to: our sexual personalities clash. He's more into slow, gentle, intimate sex. This is the first real relationship I've been in, and I put it to him the way I'm going to put it to y'all: I'm not used to being treated like a lady in the bedroom. I'm not saying I don't like intimacy and I don't like being gentle, but sex for me has always been the rough, raunchy release of hormones kind. As in, well, just having sex to have sex. Up until now, I've never had meaningful sex.

Because I'm so used to rough sex, this is how I want him to have sex with me. My lady bits actually don't really respond to gentle movements anymore, and it's really starting to bother me because I really want to enjoy sex with my boyfriend. There's also the thing of he has a habit of just going in for the kill and not giving me much foreplay -- I'm almost NEVER ready for actual intercourse when he is. I've told him this before and he keeps doing the same thing over and over. I actually even think that I might could enjoy the actual intercourse more, whether it was gentle or not, if I was actually legitimately turned on when it came time for that to happen. But it's also because, even before if I didn't get a lot of foreplay (which I often didn't), then the guy would just do me as hard as he damn-well could and well...that compensated for what he didn't do before-hand. But it's different now.

What happened last night was I have a habit of getting kind of vulgar, especially when I really start getting into it (previous guys liked that). Well, I found out last night that he doesn't like it, via him getting completely turned off and having to stop. I didn't realize that was what was bothering him -- he kept telling me to stop but I didn't know that was what he wanted me to stop doing -- I thought I was being too loud (we weren't in the house alone). And what happened after that, instead of him talking to me about it, he just gets really quiet. And it upset me because not only did I feel bad for turning him off sexually, but it was almost like I -completely- turned him off. He said he was okay and told me not to worry about it, but the look on his face screamed "This sucks; I'm not happy." I would have much rather him talked to me about it so we could get it out in the open, and ya know, just talk about what we like and dislike about sex so that in the future moments like that don't happen. They're not fun and I, personally, don't want that to ever happen again.

How do I get him to talk to me about it? And how can I enjoy "relationship" sex? (I don't know how else to put it) I want to be intimate with him and enjoy him because I care so much about him, but I don't want to make him do something he doesn't like, either. He's different from other guys, and I don't know how to get used to someone actually giving a crap about me. Blargh!

I might be in the minority here, but I believe that sex AND sexual compatibility are VERY VERY important in a relationship. In other words it's not just the act of sex, but the fact that you are in synch with your partner as far as wants needs and actually pleasing eachother.

If he's not willing to talk with you and be open about sex, your likes as a couple and what compromises you're each willing to make, I would take a good look at your relationship. I completely understand that you have strong feelings for him, but realistically do you think you would be happy with just him for weeks/months/years without your needs being met in the bedroom?

I didnt even answer your main question LOL. How to get him to talk....

I think this discussion should be held when you're both fully clothed....in other words, not immediately before or after sex. You can try to watch some "movies" together or even magazines.

He sounds like he's kinda scared to talk about it, or maybe he has had a bad experience (i.e. embarrassing).

Good luck!

I'm agree with everything said here.

Sex for a new couple is always about learning each others' rhythms, both literally and figuratively. It's almost never the case that two people are 100% sexually compatible to begin with, nor will every venture end in climax consistently while you're learning each other, and you have to realize that this is normal and OK.

As far as the "what are you into" talk, I think you need to catch him at a good time, do you talk about sex other than when you're doing it? Maybe take him out for a beer, get him relaxed and lead in with "so the other night something didn't work for you, huh?". He might clam up, but chances are he wants to talk about boundaries too, so a little coaxing and more beer will eventually get through to him.

It sounds like you're not vanilla in your tastes, most women aren't. Surprisingly, it's usually men who are happy doing the same ol' same ol' all the time. Maybe talk about sex play - things you could do before or during to make things racy. 69 is always a good thing to try since he's getting stimulated and you get your "warm up" time. Anything that will take his mind off of the single track it's on when you're getting down to it can help - chocolate body paint, handcuffs, blindfolds, get him open to experimenting.
If all else fails, if you're not quite ready when he is, try some lubricant.

Dirty talk, I have found, is a slippery slope. Often men who love their woman feel wrong about saying those kinds of things to her. He'll get over it eventually, but I think you might have surprised him with it and that's what was the problem. Maybe save the dirty talk for when you're a little more intimate.

Long story short: find a comfortable moment when he's relaxed to bring it up, figure out something fun to try together, and just take it easy. Sex between two people who love each other will eventually work out, you just have to explore a little.

Oh man, I can relate to having to adjust to "loving" versus "violent" sex.

With my current BF the first time we did it I was like "lol choke me and slap me until I bruise!" and I got a horrible UTI afterward...turns out that was entirely not representative of his sexual persona at all. I grew to really enjoy it and I hate to brag but I finally have a 100% "success rate" every. single. time. Things aren't always SLOW per se though!

Talking about things OUTSIDE the bedroom in a matter-of-fact way should result in you guys both understanding each other better. It's not uncommon or surprising that mid-act mistakes were responded to with embarrassment and silence. It's hard to tell someone they're doing something you don't like, and harder to be told that you're turning someone off.

If he is truly the slow, gentle, intimate type, I don't get his reluctance for foreplay...someone with that kind of sexual personality would (I assume) prioritize his partner's enjoyment of every minute of the intro, act, and conclusion!

(Clothes on, eating lunch or whatever)

"Hey, boyfriend. Apparently we have very different experiences and probably different expectations in this arena, and we're still figuring out what the other likes. This should be fun, even if it's a little scary! I'd appreciate it if you didn't act appalled by what I like, and in return I am more than open to hear about your needs and expectations and also share mine."

Agreed! My partner and I clash a little bit in our styles, we're both submissive so we kind of take turns in the same session to be a little submissive, that way we both get what we need. And we love each other very much so we're generous enough to be accommodating!

I don't get his reluctance to foreplay, either. He says he loves pleasuring a woman, but the one time he DID do it, it only lasted a few seconds and then he hasn't even touched me down there after that. Last night, the only thing he did to me down there was just barely run his fingers over it, which is pretty much, to me, the equivalent of me grabbing his penis and just holding it like that, expecting him to get off from it.

He's had a lot on his plate lately with moving into a new house and having to adjust from a new work schedule back into his old one -- he's been really tired and cranky and I think that has a lot to do with it. I think once we get back in the swing of things, and he gets more used to being in his new digs and getting everything back in order, the sex will probably fall back into place as well. At least I hope it will, anyway.

He won't even touch you between your legs? That seems like a BIG problem!

I agree with the other women that you can't claim to want close, intimate sex AND refuse to give pleasure to the woman you want to be loving on. That's not how it works!

Could he just be shy and inexperienced and in need of some tutoring? He might not know what he's supposed to do with his fingers (or tongue) and be shy about doing the wrong thing. (Perhaps at some point you could show him what you do, when you're left to your own devices.)

If he's just turned off by lady parts and doesn't want to touch them...well, I'd recommend finding a new lover.

Good luck!

I straight up wouldn't date somebody who didn't like the kind of sex I like. It's not my job to "learn to like" what someone else likes. If you're never gonna pull my hair and call me a slut, you can just move along.

x2

A-freakin-men, sistah!

I really don't know if it's so much he doesn't like rough sex, but that he doesn't wanna hear the "f" word every other word either, lol. Either way, he did not like what was coming out of my mouth last night so I at least know to fix that, haha.