[TheBunneh]

Not sure what exactly I'm trying to say or looking for. I guess I wanted to just get it out... I'm certain to ramble and probably make very little sense. If you actually read it all you're amazing.

I say mini because compared to when I've really binged in the past, it wasn't much at all. My binges in the past I have actually been crying about the fact that I didn't really want to eat anymore, but I made myself keep eating almost as a "punishment" for messing up in the first place (man, that sounds twisted). Last night was more of a lapse into comfort eating than a binge ("just" had a bit of ice cream, a handful of almonds and chocolate chips, two cookies), but it still had that edge of punishment to it.

For the past few years I've been suffering with unexplained chronic fatigue. (Tried anti-depressants, they did nothing.) Looking back I think I might have had this problem for longer, but when I was younger I didn't try as hard as I do now to get things accomplished. I always assumed I was a horribly lazy person, but looking back I wonder if I was simply tired like I am now only without the drive I have to do things anyway.

Some days I can get by okay and do what I need to keep the house up and workout, maybe have the energy and concentration to do something I enjoy like sew or read... but some days just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and washing dishes wipe me out completely. The past couple months it's been worse. I feel like I'm fighting all day long just to get my body to move the way I need it to.

I know, I know, that if I keep my food under control I can lose weight even if I slept all day. But the feelings of desperation and guilt (what if it's all in my head? what if everyone else feels this way and somehow they're better than me and push through?) are huge triggers for me. I don't know why I give in though, when I know that all it will do is cause more problems (maybe that's what I want? I feel guilty so I decide I need to be in more pain?).

Anyway, after last nights breakdown with a lot of sobbing my husband insisted we make getting back to the doctor and demanding some more tests a priority. For some reason I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty about complaining to the doctor over symptoms I can't explain. I'm afraid he (and everyone else, even anyone reading this) will just assume I'm a terribly lazy person making excuses.

[krampus]

Oh girl you don't need to feel guilty about ANYTHING and you certainly don't need to use food as PUNISHMENT for a condition you haven't figured out.

I hope you can get some answers from the doctor. In the meantime, please please please be kind to yourself and don't let guilt become part of your inner dialogue!

[TheBunneh]

Thank you.

[Milly1]

Of course your not lazy, look at the weight you've lost, that is major hard work. What plan are you on? Are you eating enough good energy giving food? Have you had any blood tests recently? Can you ask for some? Your mini binge looks like just a bit of overeating, certainly nothing to beat yourself up over! None of us follow our eating plans perfectly, I am constantly straying but just accept that I will lose but slower than in "My Master Plan" ! Do tell your Doctor what you have told us, and take care of yourself.

[TheBunneh]

I have had blood work done. My husband said he's going to ask the doctor to do more in-depth testing on my thyroid since I'm too shy to bring it up again. We're also going to ask about the possibility of sleep apnea...

I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy, and my neurologist thought that I might see an improvement after going on medication (in case unnoticed partial seizures may have been exhausting me) but it didn't change anything. Well, it did stop my seizures! So it isn't for nothing, but I admit I got my hopes up a little that maybe it would help my day to day life as well.

I'm not on a specific plan, just counting calories and eating mostly "clean" foods, obviously not counting things like the cookies last night. I do get a lot of nutritious foods in my diet and plenty of calories. I've tried shifting macros and adding vitamin supplementation, but my diet doesn't seem to affect how I feel much at all, other than really crappy foods making me feel worse (but that's no surprise).

[inglesita64]

I hope the blood work will help diagnose your problem, but more than that, I hope there is no problem at all! I have some "lethargic" days myself, and when that happens, when I notice I am more tired than usually, I stay in bed and work on my laptop from my bed. That way, I do what I need to do and rest if I need it. I do that around once or twice a week --for two or three hours-- and the rest of the week I work hard, jog, walk, do housework. But if I notice I am tired, I change my schedule and recover while working... Does that sound too strange? Would doing something similar make you feel somehow better? You could do many things with the legs on a stool, for instance --knitting, reading...
Don't feel bad about this, and keep us posted!

[TheBunneh]

Thank you for the suggestions, but I have tried things like that. Resting doesn't help me feel more rested. Sleeping in, spending days in bed, etc... doesn't really do anything. The past few years I've mostly had two modes, tired and very tired.

Some days I tell myself that I'll only do one or two housework chores and let myself sew or read for the rest of the day, but I generally end up not being able to do those things anyway. I think the only reason I'm able to get myself moving to clean, workout, etc is because I feel they are necessary, anything else my body/brain just won't work for... even things I enjoy.

I have had a few good weeks/months here and there, but they always ended in a crash and I felt even worse after. Now I guess I'm kinda scared of really pushing to do anything other than what I definitely feel I have to do.

I didn't mean to get into such a pity party about all of this though. If I'd thought it through more I probably wouldn't have posted this at all. I really do sound like I'm whining and making excuses.

Thank you guys for being so nice.

[Milly1]

Of course your not whining, this forum is here for us to share our concerns and try to help one another . Just out of interest what do you do in your workout? It does sound like there is an underlying cause, did you stick long on the anti depressants? Only asking because one of my symptoms when I need them is tiredness. I have been on an off them for years, keep thinking I can manage and stop them but just back onto them again. Hope your doc is really listening to you. Please keep posting hopefully someone else can suggest something to help.

[TheBunneh]

My workout varies greatly depending on how I feel. I stayed on the antidepressant for a year.

Thank you for the encouragement... I think what I need is to get the courage to speak frankly with my doctor instead of trying to figure out the "correct" things to say.