My mom has always been, well obese. Ever since she was little she tells me she's been bigger than everyone and I've seen a picture or two. In her early 20's she really got into going to the gym and Ive seen picture which I think have been at her smallest, maybe 150 or 160? She's shorter than me, I'd say 5'3.
Anyways after she got married and had me and my sister well like most working moms she gave up the gym and her diet has never been the best. She's not a crazy junk food addict but she's not the healthiest eater either. At her heaviest I think she got to be in the mid 300's. She is 48 now and last year she got a new job working at an apple cider factory the graveyard shift which is something she had never done before. She worked the clean up crew which had to wear these plastic suits and do lots of physical activity which was something she wasnt used to. It was only a seasonal job but after 2 months of it she lost maybe 30 or 40lbs, I don't know what her SW was and she was not trying to lose weight but once she saw how great it felt she tried to keep it going, at her lowest she got down to 242lbs. Since then she maybe has gained back 10-15lbs.
So now I'm getting to the point, yesterday she came in and sat down and told me her doctor had mentioned to her that she should consider getting the lap band. I was kind of shocked and asked her what she thought to which she said she would consider it. Thinking it over it made me kind of sad that she wants to go that route, she lost 50+ pounds the "old fashioned way" and she's going to start that job again in a few weeks so I have no doubt in my mind that she could get under 200lbs by the end of the year. I told her this which kind of made her think. It kind of brings me to the scenario of what if I really wanted to lose weight but considered lipo suction, in my eyes I see both things as the easy way out but then again she is older with a husband and kids and it is harder for her to go exercise. I'm sorry that this was so long but I feel guilty for being upset with her that she is considering that. I would love for us to try to do it in a healthy matter and if I'm honest with myself, if she does follow through and does it and I see her losing weight fast and easy, in a way it will make me resentful or jealous that the way I'm trying to do it is of course no where near as fast or easy as people who lose weight with the lap band.
I think you're being a little judgemental, tbh. If my mom said she wanted lap band, I would support her. You KNOW losing weight is hard and the sad reality is that 97% of people gain the weight back. 50% of people who have lap band are actually successful the rest of their lives. I'm not saying your mom couldn't be part of the 3% who don't but weight loss is an uphill battle for the rest of your life. And, weight loss surgery is WAY different than liposuction. With WLS, you still have to change what you eat and exercise. With lipo, they just suck the fat out and voila, you're skinny. I thought about weight loss surgery but decided against it not because I thought it was the easy way out, because it looked pretty tough to me, but because the idea of someone rearranging my intestines (which at my weight, they would have to because RNY gastric bypass is what was recommended) didn't sound like too much fun. Honestly, I think in the end it boils down to this: it's HER body, not yours. She is the one who has to lose the weight for her body. And if WLS helps her on her way, why not? Either way your mom is going to be healthier and that's what's important.
I would totally support her if she decides to go that route. It's a tough decision and not one to make lightly. She'll have to go through some other steps before she can consider it, so know that if she arrives at the decision, she will do it with as much information about it as she can get.
Resentful.... perhaps, but I hope not. It's hard to watch someone lose weight faster than you. Keep in mind, though, that when she's done, she will have a lot of extra skin. You won't. She'll have to have that skin removed. You won't.
Your mom has a lot more weight to lose that you and the lap band is not magic or easy. Many people have to lose weight and change their eating before the surgery. I would suggest to my mom to live now like she would after the surgery and see what happens. If she feels like the lap band is the best thing to do still than support her. Either way, it is clear her weight needs to come down and she will have quite a road ahead. So it is best to be compassionateand a little selfless.
I get where you are at with this. I know it's not about you being envious that she will lose weight faster than you. It's hard to see someone choose something so drastic when they have proven they can very well lose the weight without something so risky. I would be concerned too. I often wonder why people choose weight loss surgery, some even after having to lose 50-60 lbs just to get the surgery....You'd think if they can lose that amount of weight on their own, they'd just stay the course. Alas, sometimes people lack the confidence in their ability to change their habits long term so they look to something that will restrict their habits. She's probably deciding this out of desperation b/c she doesn't think she has the capability to change her habits on her own for the duration.
I see no difference in how you feel about this and how she'd feel if you decided to get a boob job or some other plastic surgery. The people we love think we're great and don't want to see us do something potentially harmful in the quest for self-acceptance and self-esteem, especially when you can change it for free with so side-effects.
You obviously know nothing about weight loss surgery if you think it is the easy way out. It is another tool to help with weight loss, but it has rules that have to be followed just as any other weight loss method.
Get informed and be supportive of your mother's decision. It is her body after all, not yours.
First of all, the lap band is NOT the easy way out. If anything, it's the HARD way out!
While not quite as extreme as some of the other bariatric surgeries, it's still a major, complex abdominal surgery with high rates of complications. Any surgery is very dangerous. It should be an absolute last resort. It forces a complete and total life change, and it means she'll have to diligently manage her food intake and vitamin supplements for the rest of her life.
It's a **** of a lot easier to eat 1200-1600 calories per day of whatever you want than it is to live after bariatric surgery. If she can't manage the first, how well is she going to manage the care of her body post-surgery? There it goes from "oops, I slipped up and gained a pound" to "oops, I slipped up and created a severe deficiency that's causing all these life-altering complications now".
I'm not against these surgeries, I just think they need a lot, lot, lot of very careful consideration and should be used as an absolute last resort. They are absolutely anything but "easy".
While I don't think that people should rush into weight loss surgery, I also think our society needs to stop shaming people for it. The fact is, you HAVE to change your lifestyle, or it won't work. People with WLS fail because they didn't change their lifestyle all the time. WLS doesn't do it for you, it helps you. And if it works, why is that cheating?
In HS I wanted WLS and was shamed for even thinking about it, because it's "cheating" or "the easy way out." So I took the hard way, and guess what, 10 years later I'm still 100 lbs overweight. A girl I was friends with in high school, who was jut a bit bigger than me, recently got gastric bypass and mentioned that she wished she didn't feel too guilty to do it sooner. She has been very successful and she is working hard for it.
Whatever your mom decides to do to get her to a healthy weight so that she can be here for many more years to come is all good news! The risk of diabetes and heart related illnesses is very prevalent and that is a road I'm sure neither of you want to walk.
Weight loss, be it through calorie cutting, or surgery is hard no matter what. Just support her in any attempt to become healthy!!!
Wow if I knew people would have been this judgmental of me I wouldn't have posted this thread. The point of me sharing this was not to say "oh that's the easy way out" or me being jealous, it was that I would rather her try to do it in a healthier way. Obviously I don't want my mom to have complications or regret it cause SHE is the one who sees it as the easy way out because SHE thinks she can eat whatever she wants and I explained to her that it does not work that way.
I have two thoughts on this. One, I agree that society needs to stop shaming people that pursue weight loss surgery.
Secondly, I think that doctors, in general, are eager to produce a medical solution to an issue. If your mom has lost a decent amount of weight recently, I'm surprised the doctor didn't recommend a nutritionist as well as a daily walking regimen or similar. Surgery isn't just something you do for the **** of it but if you have struggled with it your entire life, I can understand the consideration.
My lowest adult weight is above 200 lbs and my highest weight is nearly 370 lbs. I've actually never had a doctor suggest surgery to me, although many have suggested weight loss. It is tough to struggle and I've been struggling for over 20 years. I'd be lying if surgery hasn't crossed my mind a few times but for me, I think the risk of surgery outweighs the benefits. At some other point, I may feel differently after 10 more years of struggle.
I think you should not feel guilty (although who am I to tell you what to think lol) because you are just caring about your mom and any "disappointment" seems to be that you want her to be okay and succeed.
That said if her doc suggested surgery then why not support her? It is an option that helps a lot of people who aren't succeeding in any other way. It isn't an easy option as though I have not experienced it, does cause many issues and problems for the patient and they have to be mature and dedicated to succeed at that. Some patients who have had gastric surgery do regain weight. It is not an easy choice for folks to make and I applaud those who make that decision, as I applaud those of us, including me, who have lost weight without. It is all a lot of work and your mom needs your support in whatever way she tries to improve.
In this situation, I think you have to keep your feelings to yourself and just support what your mom wants. But I do think you have every right to ask her whether she is really aware of the risks and complications that can come with surgery. These types of surgeries carry risks and don't always work, meaning she could end up in a worse situation. Does she really want to take this kind of risk?
If she is fully aware of potential complications and the eed for permanent change, then just be there for her, even if it's not something you agree with. It's her body, her choice.
It's wonderful that your mom wants to improve her health and looks, regardless of how she gets there. I'm 50 so I can relate somewhat to your mom. At our age it becomes more difficult to lose as menopause sets in and exercise options become somewhat limited. Granted, I am losing the "old fashioned way" but I feel like there is such a hurry at my age to get to a healthy weight and maintain it once and for all! I'm so worried that if I don't lose now, I won't ever lose!! For sure, time is not on my side. Perhaps your mom feels the same?
I don't think anyone is being any more judgemental than you are, we're just sharing our experiences and opinions (and some of them are strong ones). Some may be helpful to you, some may not be, but if you're going to be so open (and it's a good thing), then everyone here is going to do the same (and that's a good thing too), whether it feels good or not.
And that's why you probably shouldn't share your feelings with your mom, because they're going to hurt her, and you'll hurt her a lot more than you're being hurt by the honest opinions of strangers.
Let's assume you're 100% correct, that the lapband is the "easier" way to weight loss. Why wouldn't you want your mother to have an easier way? Why would you want your mom not to have absolutely every tool available to make this journey less difficult for her.
And why is it so important for weight loss to be done the more difficult way, anyway? Shouldn't we always take the easiest, safest route available, so that we can spend our energies on something more important than weight loss?
The lap band is actually a very conservative choice, one of the safest surgeries and less extreme (many would argue, I certainly would) than meal-replacement plans - would you not support your mother joining Nutrisystem, Medifast, or Ideal Protein?).
95% or more of diets for the morbidly obese fail. Any tool that improves those odds is a blessing. Failure rates for the lap band are still around 60% - that doesn't sound like an easy way. If it were an easy way - the success rate would be a lot higher. There's still going to be plenty of hard work involved.
Why do we think weight loss has to be difficult to "count" for anything? Weight loss is about the hardest thing a morbidly obese person can do - even with all the tools available accessible.
I would love for my mom to be able to afford the luxury of the lapband. At her income level, it is a luxury, so she's back in Weight Watchers (probably for the 100th time) and my sister is too. My sisters used to be very judgemental of my mom and I (because they were thin). They were constantly disappointed in us, because they thought we had no willpower. One sister has changed her mind, because just like Mom, she started gaining in her late 20's (just like Mom) and mostly in her hips (just like Mom). She's also started the weight loss struggle, and is starting to see how desperately difficult it is.
If your mom had gained all her weight in the last year, or had never once been on a diet, I would say sure - she should try other avenues before deciding on surgery - but that doesn't sound like the case. She NEEDS something (and someone) to make her life easier. You can be part of that, or you can be someone who makes her life harder (and your judgement, even if you don't share it, will make her journey harder).
You can't imagine what it's like to fight your own body tooth and nail for DECADES, and still not see results. Or see results, and then when life gets horrible or hectic (which it always does) to have that progress undone just because of what seems like a moment of letting up (in truth it usually takes months to backslide very far, but it seems like only a moment).
For most people, the lap band is the safest of the weight loss surgeries. I'd jump at it in a heartbeat, but with my health issues the lap band is actually more dangerous for me than the more extreme surgeries (I have immune issues that almost insure that my body would reject, or cause dangerous scarring or infections around the band).
I'm already prone to vitamin deficiency for some reason, and have other issues that make the more extreme surgeries, much more dangerous, so those are out for me as well. My doctor and I don't want to take the risks. My risk profile has been improving with the weight loss I'm acheiving, but at this rate, I won't reach my goal weight for at least another 12 to 15 years. Anything that can speed up that process without compromising my health and quality of life, would be a godsend. Even if I lose another 50 lbs, I still might consider wls to get the rest off. I have no qualms at all about it being an "easier" way, because to keep my weight under control, I need every tool available to me, and I'd much rather be able to spend my energies on something besides weight loss.
I've had to do weight loss "the slow, natural way" because of the risks, and it's taken me seven years to lose 105 lbs. Seven years of hard work, for (what some would say) very little payoff. Is that something you'd rather have for your mom? Isn't an easier way, something you'ld give to her if you could? I would and I don't even know the woman.
To lose weight at what most would still consider a slow palce, I have to give up practically everything good in my life. I'm not willing to do that, so I'm losing at a rate most people would call failure. As much as I am enjoying my life, I would sure love to free up some extra time to spend on other things besides weight loss. If the lap-band was safe for me, and allowed me to do it, I'd be on board in a heartbeat.
I'd cut off my left arm (and I'm left-handed) to have an easier, faster way. I've spent most of my life trying to lose weight (since I was put on my first diet in kindergarten) and I would do just about anything to make this arduous, stressful, horrible journey easier (and to have even one less person judge me or be disappointed in me for it).
I don't want weight loss to be the most important thing I've done in my life, and I'd bet your mom feels the same way. If she can take some of the effort out of weight loss, she'll be able to spend that effort on more important things. Isn't that more important than doing weight loss the slow way (which may or may not be an easier way)?
Is it weird to be disappointed in my mom?
