The last few years things have gotten rocky with us. I'm a single mom, she's an empty-nester that wants to drink/party and jumps from guy to guy. Our priority's are not the same and we seem to be drifting. Tonight she made some passive aggressive comment towards me and I went off. She just can't understand that I have other obligations and can't drop everything on a whim to "hang out". When her daughter was young she dumped her on her Mom every weekned to party and I don't have that option, nor would I put my social life above my child even if I could. She complains we never see eachother but when I try plans get broken or it has to revolve around drinking which I don't want to do anymore. I'm freaking 38..
I don't know...I think it's done. I care for her but I think I might need to move on. She's too self-absorbed and even draining at times when she's having her endless BF drama. I try but I just don't think this is going to work, she seems to have little understanding that I'm trying to raise a child alone. Her daughter despises her for putting men/social life first and I don't want that to happen with me and my son. It's like she's resentful of me for getting my act together a few years ago and now I can't keep up with her active social life. :/ It's not like I signed up for this...I'm really mad at her lack of understanding my circumstances plus if I do get a babysitter I don't want to spend the evening watching her get drunk?? Doesn't sound like fun to me.
I have tried to have talks with her about her excessive drinking/men but she gets very defensive so I quit.
Thoughts? Anyone else dealt with a friend like this?
I can't really give advice since I am not a parent but I get the drinking thing. I am 24 and I am not really a party-goer AT ALL!!!! One of my closest friends goes to the bar at least 3-4 times a week and doesn't understand that I am not into that lifestyle at all. I try to make other plans to go shopping, or movies, or double date with our boyfriends but unless there are drinks involved she doesn't seem interested.
I know this must be hard but all relationships are suppose to make you happy. 2 people should be willing to have a little give/take but when is doing all the taking it is not a friendship worth saving.
I commend you for wanting to be a parent first and foremost and not putting your social needs ahead of your child. Sadly in this day and age you are the minority. You are a great mom, and an even better person from being able to walk away from this toxicity.
I hope for your friend and her child that she grows up but it is not your responsibility to be dragged down with her. I hope you start feeling better, but I believe you did what was in your and your son's best interest!
Yes. My oldest friend has an issue with excessive drinking AND she is a bartender, so she is always around it. She's unhappy right now and hasn't been a joy to be around. Lots of juvenile drama with boyfriends etc... she has no kids. I have 2 and am married. That has really put a schism between us. My life freaks her out. She has no interest in meeting my youngest. Yet, I am supposed to meet every boyfriend and be sucked into their fights. I have been resentful especially since I actually try to reach out to her, she is not responsive. Then she turns around and blames me for us not getting together more.
All that said, I don't want to end our friendship. I have taken a step back though. Sometimes a friendship ebbs and flows. I feel like there will be a time we are in the same page again. However, we definitely are not right now.
She's 38. If she can't grow up then she's going to get left behind. It is utterly ridiculous for her to expect her friends to go out and get drunk and look for men, let alone a single mom. I'm sorry you are hurt, but I also wouldn't want to be a part of enabling that behaviour anymore either.
The sad thing is about people is that they change. She is not the same person you knew 19 years ago. And neither are you. People change and drift apart. It happens.
It's rare for people to remain close friends throughout all that life brings.
It sounds like you have stuck by her through her wild ways and you shouldn't feel bad for stepping back from the friendship.
Who knows, maybe she will calm down in a few years and you can go back to being close.
Weird. I had a dream last night about explaining to someone how sometimes you need to break up with a friend.
My experience can offer this advice: Tell her in person why you have issues. Tell her you won't go out with her and why. Tell her you love her. Then tell her that you're out. You'll still be chatty on text/phone/email to hear about her escapades, but at this time you won't participate. Tell her this is temporary and you'll still be friends but for now, you've got an instinct to distance yourself.
If she's truly got a good heart for your friendship, she'll respect that. If she's super needy and needs the appearance of popularity, she'll beg you to change your mind. If she never really cared and is self centered, she'll drop you like a hot coal.
In the end, you'll find your new direction rewarding and become friends with someone more your style.
Last edited by fitness4life; 06-09-2012 at 10:53 AM.
sometimes we just move on. You are doing what is best for you and your son and that doesn't involve men coming and going, drinking and going out all the time.
On a side note- drinking is horrible for weight loss as well.
Yah ive had a friend like this before..and the answer is just to move on..Sometimes friendship with people is meant for a season...maybe your season with her is over. Its better to chill with people who have common interests.. I personally would rather go for coffee with a friend at a local cafe then hang out a bar where its dingy, stinky and full of pubescent sweaty young adults.
Thanks everyone. I love her like a sister but she's been very selfish and even engaging in self-destructive behavior the past few years. I told her how I feel; she was hurt but I'm hurt too. I know she's struggling inside from a traumatic childhood but there's better ways to cope with it. I want to see her care more about herself (self-respect) and be more understanding that I'm a single mom and can't drop everything to go party on the weekend...nor do I really want to. I gave up alcohol/partying years ago. After my horrible marriage to an alcoholic I want nothing to do with it.
I told her that I'm taking a step back for now and we can talk about it more in depth when the dust settles. She said she's more than willing to do that...so I guess we'll see. I really can't imagine life without her but I wish she would just settle down and make more of an effort to be a friend to me and not have her life revolve around alcohol and men. Hopefully her new guy will help her grow up a bit since he's a police officer, but who knows.
Thanks again for letting me vent everyone, I was really upset late last night. I even had a hard time sleeping.
I have been resentful especially since I actually try to reach out to her, she is not responsive.
All that said, I don't want to end our friendship. I have taken a step back though. Sometimes a friendship ebbs and flows. I feel like there will be a time we are in the same page again. However, we definitely are not right now.
Just b/c her new guy is a police officer doesn't mean anything. Hopefully she's got a good one this time though.
Is there any way you could continue your friendship (only if you want to!) without alcohol and going out? Maybe a cup of tea at your place after your son goes to bed? Good luck.
Just b/c her new guy is a police officer doesn't mean anything. Hopefully she's got a good one this time though.
Is there any way you could continue your friendship (only if you want to!) without alcohol and going out? Maybe a cup of tea at your place after your son goes to bed? Good luck.
The police officer thing is just wishful thinking, I hope he's a good one this time too so MAYBE she'll get her act together to keep him around but truthfully I already see red flags that he might be controlling and a cheater. I guess time will tell if I am right or not.
She's either going to grow old alone or wind up like Whitney Houston if she doesn't get a grip. I have tried to talk with her a million times and I just can't enable her behavior anymore.
I haven't heard from her and I haven't decided what I want to do (if anything) yet.
I think I just ended it with a friend
She's too self-absorbed and even draining at times when she's having her endless BF drama. I try but I just don't think this is going to work, she seems to have little understanding that I'm trying to raise a child alone. Her daughter despises her for putting men/social life first and I don't want that to happen with me and my son. It's like she's resentful of me for getting my act together a few years ago and now I can't keep up with her active social life. :/ It's not like I signed up for this...I'm really mad at her lack of understanding my circumstances plus if I do get a babysitter I don't want to spend the evening watching her get drunk?? Doesn't sound like fun to me.
