Newbie here. Looking for some intense encouragement.
Hey everyone. Sorry for the long post, but I guess it'd help if I shared a little bit of my history..I've been struggling with weight all my life, weighing nearly 250 at age 14, my highest weight (besides during my pregnancy). I started getting serious about weight loss when I was 15. I was taking Phentermine, certainly not the healthiest way to lose weight, but I got down to 185 by the time I was 17 and I was fine with that. During my teens I battled major depression and didn't think much of food. I kept the weight off by smoking and drinking. When I was 18 I got into my first serious relationship (my son's father) and he was also overweight. I got totally engrossed in the relationship and left my house to be with him shortly after we got together. It was an extremely toxic relationship. He was abusive, controlling, and I had little contact with my friends and family. We'd mostly just go out to eat and I gained about 15 lbs in a month. A few months later, I got pregnant and put on an astonishing 50 lbs. It was an extremely stressful pregnancy with the dynamic between my baby's father and me moving back home (my parents were obviously not happy with me being 18 and pregnant).
Anyway, after I had my son I dropped down to about 235, mostly from breastfeeding. In May of last year I started working full time and started to get serious about losing weight. My job required me to be on my feet 95% of the time and that combined with watching what I eat (three meals a day, 2 snacks) I got down to 200, where I'm at now. Recently I've had to stop working due to issues with child care, so I'm home with my son pretty much all the time. And I'm eating non-stop. I feel my depression creeping back up on me. I'm constantly resenting my son, and hating being a single young mother with virtually no support system. I can't drink or do drugs obviously, so food is my go to..
I feel like I'm some sort of expert on losing weight since I've lost so much in the past. I know what I need to do and what I'm supposed to put in place..but I just can't fight this addiction to food and I feel so sick. It's making me spiral further into depression because I feel like a failure. I'd rather pass on playing with my son to lay around and eat all day. I'm trying to look for another job, start going to school, but I feel like I can't do anything because food is controlling my life. And I feel disgusting. And worthless. It sounds so silly that something as simple as food can have such a power over me but sometimes I just get these totally impulsive urges to eat and I can't fight it. I guess I'm just looking for some advice, words of encouragement..I've been like religiously surfing this forum and seen so many successes and it makes me feel like I have hope, but sometimes I just can't control these urges and I feel hopeless. What helps you guys control your urges? What keeps you going on those days where you've eaten everything in sight and feel like a total failure? Whew..sorry that was so long. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of it
First, let me give you hugs for going through such a tough time.
As I was reading through your post, the first thing I though of was something I can relate to...using food to self-medicate. Depression, frustration, boredom...Food helps you feel "full" when things and people in your life don't. As I got further down and saw that you'd rather eat than play with your son, it began to sound like an addition. While I'm no expert by any means, my recommendation to you would be to go to the Overeaters Anonymous website and read what they have there. I think this goes beyond resisting the "urge" to eat.
But what I do know is that recognizing the problem that you're struggling is half the battle. You're reaching out for help! This is a great site for support and information and I have no doubt that you can overcome whatever issues you're facing with food and succeed in weight loss. Keep seeking the answers, probing and digging. You'll get there!
I second Moondance's hugs and advice to look at the Overeaters Anonymous website for information and advice about your addiction to food.
Second, I might suggest seeing a doctor about medication for your depression. There is no, I repeat NO shame in taking medication for depression issues and you would be amazed how how much better you feel.
Lastly, I would suggest writing down small goals for yourself each day. Like today, I am going to play with my son for 30 minutes with no interruptions. Another goal would be to take a walk, if stick your son in a stroller and get out of the house. I am sure he would love it and the exercise will make you feel better.
Don't try to do too much too soon but do make a promise to yourself that whatever you write on your daily goal sheet you will do and you will add to it each day.
Take it one step at a time, they all add up.
I second Moondance's hugs and advice to look at the Overeaters Anonymous website for information and advice about your addiction to food.
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This is pretty much everything NEMom and other posters said is spot on. I've written about or seen SO many threads relating to our sick relationship with food. It does appear that yours might go a bit deeper but YOU ARE NOT ALONE in the struggle. Overeaters Anonymous is a great way to start. Plus, even if you can't make a meeting, they have phone meetings & counselers as well as online meetings.
Seeing something about the depression would prove how strong you are and how much you want to be healthy, never consider it a weakness.
Good luck - please remember this addiction to food is common & not something to be ashamed about, just don't continue to let it beat you.
This is a great forum for support, so definitely keep participating. I agree, over eating make you feel worse, it is a health condition and should be addressed. You would tell a drug addict to get help, your drug is food (mine too).
I started sharing my "healthy lifestyle change" with people at home & work, this keeps me accountable. I also joined this forum for support.
Since your home with your son, try going for walks, this will get your exercise in and also help with depression. Find things to keep you busy, including going to the zoo, the park etc. There's a lot of free activities you can do that would be great for you and your son...
Most importantly, take care of yourself. Your little guy needs you!
I'm especially concerned about the part where you say you are constantly resenting your son.
I know you probably don't mean to resent him, but it happens anyway with having to go through what you are. It affects kids none the less. Do you have the access to any help where you can talk about this?
Sounds to me like you are stuck in a spot, you didn't envision being in. A young single mom.
But it is what it is.
You need to step off of the merry go round, get yourself into college, get an education so you can support yourself and your son. Make a plan and do it!
Food is really not your issue, "stuckage is your issue" You feel "stuck"
You're not "stuck" you have choices.
Get yourself off of the sofa and out of the fridge and get a plan and get on with it.
Love your son and enjoy the time you have, be a good role model. They grow up to fast!
Thanks for the replies everyone . I wish getting help with the depression was an option because I really do need it, but unfortunately I don't have insurance right now and the county I live in doesn't have the best resources for uninsured/low income families. I really hate feeling the way I do towards my son..I just hate going through everything by myself and constantly think to myself "why"..why did I have to get pregnant at such a young age, especially by such an idiot. I think a little space would do us some good (me working or going to school). And shcirerf, you're totally right. My issue is just getting "unstuck" per se. I think it's always been an issue for me..I've always lacked motivation to keep to anything, even back when I was in school.
Stephanie, you are wonderful at expressing yourself. Do not get down on yourself or your circumstances... I know its easier said than done. But focus on ONE good thing everyday. Just one thing that you like about your world, or yourself, and focus on it. Smile even if you are forcing it. Tell yourself jokes, listen to great music, watch comedy, watch inspiring youtube videos. in the end we are sooo much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I found your post looking for motivation. And you have motivated me. I hope my post motivates you a little. Stay bright. There is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you do. Be happy for your son, love him and treat him well. Good luck to you and do not give up!
Good for you for reaching out and taking the first step!
I remember in the beginning I couldn't stop reading threads, articles and information about being healthy either!
It seemed incredibly daunting in the beginning but it helped breaking it into mini-goals and celebrating every loss. I also started a food journal to really see what I was eating and staying accountable. It was actually very eye-opening in the beginning seeing why I was gaining weight.
You are taking control of your life! What worked for me to stop binging and eating the bad stuff was moderation. I chose to not eat something and not I can't eat it. The change in mentality helped me stay controlled and focused.
I wrote down a long list of reasons WHY I wanted to lose weight. I would revisit this list or add on to it everytime motivation wavered.
Stephanie, you are wonderful at expressing yourself. Do not get down on yourself or your circumstances... I know its easier said than done. But focus on ONE good thing everyday. Just one thing that you like about your world, or yourself, and focus on it. Smile even if you are forcing it. Tell yourself jokes, listen to great music, watch comedy, watch inspiring youtube videos. in the end we are sooo much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I found your post looking for motivation. And you have motivated me. I hope my post motivates you a little. Stay bright. There is ALWAYS someone who has it worse than you do. Be happy for your son, love him and treat him well. Good luck to you and do not give up!
wow, thank you. this made me feel a lot better :') and thanks InControl2day, I've actually started logging calories on the MyFitnessPal app and it really does help me stay in control.
Newbie here. Looking for some intense encouragement.
for going through such a tough time.
