I am 23years old, going to be 24 in just over a month and I really have reached my breaking point. I weighed myself about a week ago and saw I was nearly to a point I told myself I would never be at. I have never had a big sense of self worth and suffer from depression and am bi-polar (both run in my family). I also have amenorrhea, caused by PCOS, I am not insulin resistant, but am close and well it never scared me, I just didn't care. Heck half the time I just wished I could dissapear, but lately I have been feeling very upbeat, happy even. When it is just me or my dogs I have learned to be comfortable with my body, well as long as I don't have to look at it, but I can be comfortable in a pair of shorts and a sports bra. But if I am going to walk around as such I have to have the windows closed, in the winter this works but now warmer weather is coming and I do not want the little headway with my negative body image to be lost but as I am I am too self conscious that a neighbor may see me as I live in an apartment complex so all the windows are at the same level.
I love the outdoors and hope that I can use that to my advantage, but have some anxiety about exercising outside where people can see me (why I also cannot go to a gym, I basically have panic attacks). I don't want these people to see my fat bounce, me get all red faced, out of breath and sweating. I don't mind these things happening, but I don't want other people to see me like that which has kept me going out into the woods to walk with my dogs and not even at local parks.
I am built like my father, like a football player, broad sholders, no hips and no butt. How my fat lays (pretty much just belly fat) is even like how you would see on a guy and not how I have typically seen on women. The only things I think that save me from looking masculine (my biggest fea is that I was supposed to be born male, which is why I have the body shape I do and rarely ever get a period) is that I have long hair and a full chest. Currently they are 44DDD. I love my breasts and worry that when I start on the path to lose weight I will loose them or they will become subsantionally smaller which I think is another reason I have never made the effort. Any encouragement would be awesome. I know I will never be small, my bone structure would not allow it I'm sure, but I would really like to wear like a size 9 in jeans be able to wear a large sized womens' shirt, right now my jeans are size 15 and I wear a 2xl in tops.
Thank you and sorry for how long that was, I just didn't know what I should/needed to say so I kind of let it flow.
I haven't been a member here very long but I've been logging in every day for a bit of motivation; everyone here is so welcoming and helpful. Coming here was the first step for me, and for you, too.
I have many of the same issues as you do. I have PCOS, am not insulin-resistant (that I know of) but am at risk of becoming so, and also am very self-conscious about exercising, being out in public, and of what people must think of me. But lately I've convinced myself it doesn't matter. I'm not going to lock myself inside my house while the world passes me by. If people want to drive past me while I'm exercising and snigger and smirk at me because I'm fat, then good for them. I don't care. I'm out exercising and trying to lose my weight while they're sitting on their asses driving themselves around.
Take the same approach. If people want to stare and snigger at you because you're bigger than they are, so what? They're simply showcasing their lack of class, and you're showing yours by getting moving and out and about despite what you weigh.
You mentioned that you carry a lot of your weight around your middle. That is not a sign that you were supposed to be born male, but a classic symptom of PCOS. Many women who suffer with this disorder experience the same patterns of weight gain. I carry a lot of weight around my middle, but a lot everywhere else too, including my arms, ***, thighs etc. Every woman with PCOS is different: Some are thin, some are big, some experience facial hair growth and others don't, etc.
Are you currently on any medications for your PCOS? If not, make an appointment to see your doctor -- if they cannot provide you with the answers that you need, ask to be referred to a gynocologist. There are several treatments which can be really helpful for your PCOS: Metformin, which may allow you to shift some of that stubborn weight, and a contraceptive pill, which will regulate your hormones and stop that increased production of testosterone (which PCOS does, unfortunately) thereby enabling you to better lose your weight and to stop putting it on in typically male areas (the abdomen). However, it's important to get the right pill. Do not let your doctor prescribe you any old pill. You'll need something like Yasmin, which typically does not faciliate extra weight gain.
And don't worry about your breasts! Mine are huge (and I mean absolutely HUGE -- much bigger than yours) and I really couldn't care less what happens to them. I hope they deflate, actually. Breasts should be the least of your concerns -- you'll much happier when you're healthy and active and small-chested than being miserable and unhealthy with big boobs. Besides, I figure if my saggy, deflated boobs really bother me down the track, I'll just get work done, lol.
P.P.S. The reason you hardly ever get a period is because you have PCOS. I rarely ever get mine and will be lucky if it happens twice or three times a year. You can put your fears to rest -- your lack of menstrual cycle and pattern of weight gain are all very common symptoms of PCOS. In fact, I'd recommend just going to see a gyno about this because most GP's really haven't got a clue when it comes to PCOS and you're likely to get misinformation.
Thank you and I know I shouldn't care, it's just hard. Right now I am not on any medication for anything. With most of them I didn't feel any better, sometimes worse and also cannot really afford them. I do not have any insurance, the last time I was at a doctor was 2010. I make too much money to be on state medical help (by $50 a month) but cannot afford to cut my hours back. I spoke with my doctor 2 years ago on my last visit with them and told them I was losing my isurance and soon my medications and was told to get fit, if I could I would be much happier and the PCOS might go away since it wasn't an issue until nearly a year into me having a menstral cycle. Which was when I went from being "chubby" to fat.
Thank you and I know I shouldn't care, it's just hard. Right now I am not on any medication for anything. With most of them I didn't feel any better, sometimes worse and also cannot really afford them. I do not have any insurance, the last time I was at a doctor was 2010. I make too much money to be on state medical help (by $50 a month) but cannot afford to cut my hours back. I spoke with my doctor 2 years ago on my last visit with them and told them I was losing my isurance and soon my medications and was told to get fit, if I could I would be much happier and the PCOS might go away since it wasn't an issue until nearly a year into me having a menstral cycle. Which was when I went from being "chubby" to fat.
That really sucks. I live in Australia where I don't really need insurance or anything to get medical care and so I can't imagine being in that predicament but I can understand how frustrated you must feel.
Your doctor was right in a sense. If you lose the weight and start exercising regularly (which is crucial for PCOS) then your symptoms might very well go away. Unfortunately for us, dieting and losing weight with PCOS is a bit harder than it is for everyone else. We have to be vigilant about what we eat and stay on track.
I'm trying to do this through diet and exercise alone; without any medications. I think I can do this and I think you can, too.
Welcome! I was your age when I hit my breaking point. It took 2 years but by the time I was 25, I was finally at goal weight and enjoying the perks of leading a healthy & much happier lifestyle. It is truly a journey and definitely one of the most difficult things I've endured in my life but stick to it and you will reap the benefits.
Time to get serious
