so, for the last 2 or so weeks i've been having a really rough time.
(bear with me, this is going to be a long one- but i just need to spill)
a few facts for this story to make sense:
-i was brought up by a single mother. we immigrated to canada from russia, when i was 7 (i am 23), she is now married/cohabits with a man who i CANNOT stand for the life of me (we don't speak).
- this subsequently means that my grandparents etc, are in Russia.
- i live 450 kms away from home, i moved here for school, got a really good job, got stuck ha ha.
- i don't generally have depression issues (anymore), binging issues (i call them baby binges mostly).
- i am a very positive, determined person.
about 2 weekends ago, my mother came up for a visit (going home, or visits always end up in me crying. every girl misses her mother, no matter the age). as she was up, we were doing some light shopping, we ran into my "whatever"
side note: definition of whatever- he's known me through a 90 lb, almost 3 year loss, we were both close, and intimate - but not "official".
so, we ran into him, it was early afternoon on a sunday, and he was doing "the walk". - long story short, my mother leaves to drive home shortly thereafter, and i decide that i need to see him/ talk to him about things.
the way that this relationship started originally, is we were friends, we hung out all the time, then once upon a drunken glory things happened, and continued happening, every so often, getting more and more frequent leading up to this culminating point of me needing to talk to him- it was like i felt this urgency to tell him everything. note, i have been single for about 5 years (i have seen people, etc..but nothing serious, out of my will, and not circumstance). i basically told him that he was the only person i was seeing, and i was hoping that he felt the same.
other side note: i am 2 years older then him, yes all my friends dissaprove, but it was like, i wanted to let him in, since he was around for 90 freaking lbs.
side note 3: i was in a sorority through university, and he is still currently in a fraternity.
essentially what i wanted was - monogamy, but not "officialness", so, no changes in current behaviour except for the monogomy for him. he essentially told me that i was his best friend, he loved me, but that he was in his last year, and he needed to do what was best for him. fine.
this culminated in me crying in the bathtub, going to yoga, crying through a 90 minute hot yoga session, then going home and eating a pint of ben and jerrys in a flat 9 minutes instead of dinner. WHATEVER. lol
i consider this the breaking point. up to that weekend i had reached my 175 lb. thats 95 lbs down from the start of my "journey". this morning i was sititng at about 176-177, up and down losing the same 3 lbs. okay, that's fine.
then i spent the day today looking at calorie spikes, cheat meals, etc.
side note 4: i have always eaten very healthy, but portion control is an issue.
now, over the last 2 and a half weeks, i have been giving myself more and more leeway, like a treat here and there. not binge sized, but you know- split half a piece of cheese cake with a friend, had some mcdonalds after the bar, etc etc.
normally, these are treats that i allow, sporadically. so on a given week- totally okay to half half a peice of cheesecake, totally okay to have some mcdonalds on another week. it is something controlled. generally i pick a food that i am craving, and when the opportunity arises, it's the food i go for.
in the midst of this, i was in the middle of a 30 day yoga challenge. so 30, in 30. i finished yesterday.
today, was a scheduled "off" day, because i'm continuing on to do 60 in 60 days, and i wanted to recharge/ had coffee plans with a friend after work.
the friend cancelled on me, i am in the middle of a good book, and i decided that i still really needed the day off yoga, i am fighting off a flu, and just wanted to read/ clean my apartment/ etc.
now here is where the trouble begins: i got home, and had my dinner . (about 300 cals) at about 4 pm. still had 250-400 for snacking later tonight, fine. then i had a whole bad of popcorn. 260 cals, okay cool, still doing well. so i made some tea. its like, 4 30 at this point.
then i had some yogurt, and pb2, and an apple and a banana, and crackers, and blue cheese etc. all in reasonable quantities. but it was like, there was some....hunger that i just couldn't satisfy.
it is now 8 pm. i have eaten probably 1000-1800 over my daily calories (i usually eat just about under 1600).
the problem? i am not stuffed. i am deffinately "full" not stuffed. i am not even remorseful really, just guilty because i would have had a really good weigh in. it's like i self-sabotaged myself.
the worse problem? i can still eat more. i literally, had at minimum a SNACK from every snack i have in my apartment (irony? they are all healthy). it's like i've graze-binged.
i just need this 2 week pattern to stop. i need to get my priorities in line, to lose these last 20 lbs. (might be 25 by tomorrow morning). and i need the will power to not weigh myself tomorrow, or maybe weigh myself tomorrow to see the extent of the damage.
i just really needed this out, thank you for anybody that has made it through this long ramble.
i just ate every emotion in my fridge.
