I don't get why parents are ALWAYS sticking their opinions in where they are not wanted or needed. I am so beyond frustrated with my mother and her constant need to judge me based on what she thinks is right. I can deal with her but today she took it to far.
A slight background - My boyfriend and I have been losing weight together, he has been at goal for several months and is always within 157-160. Well within his healthy body weight for someone who is 5'10, he has been doing P90X to tone up. He is no longer trying to lose weight. I am sitting at 134-136 currently and am trying to get down to 125, its well within my healthy body weight as well.
Today, my boyfriend texts me from work to ask me why my mom has taken it upon herself to text him and tell him that hes "getting to skinny". I text her back to ask why she was saying this to him and she told me that
"Well he is looking to skinny at Christmas, he needs some weight for his height, you need to stop losing to, you guys are anorexic"
Excuse me? I'm not sure where she was but on Christmas both my boyfriend and I indulged in goodies! I don't understand why she thinks hes "too skinny" all of a sudden, he hasn't really lost any weight for months. Not that its any of her business anyway! I think its a little wacky that when people see someone who is actually at healthy body weight they start telling them to eat more. I am just so upset with her, when we were over weight she would call us fatties and now that we are healthy she thinks we are anorexic. Which is funny because my boyfriend and I go to her house every Sunday to eat dinner and guess what!? We actually eat. Sound's like we are complete anorexics don't we?
I'm not sure where she was but on Christmas both my boyfriend and I indulged in goodies!
Well, didn't you two go into the bathroom after eating those goodies and purge? (yes, I'm being sarcastic)
Either your mom feels entitled to judge or she is genuinely worried. Her perception of you and your boyfriend may very well be legitimate to her. But perception does not equal truth. And we live in a society where seeing someone overweight (slightly or more so) is the norm. So when someone is at a normal weight it may be alarming to some people. It probably wouldn't hurt to educate her. Without being condensending, of course. Say something like, "We appreciate your concern but based on XX data the healthy height and weight for BF and I is XX and XX. And this is a weight that we feel most comfortable with."
And I will say this too. Now that I am older (39) I look at people differently now. If I was a 20-something I would see me on the street (current H/W) and think, "Wow, she's chunky". But now if I were to see me on the street I'd say I was normal. So someone your age may not see you as "anorexic" but someone your mom's age may especially if she is comparing you to what people in her age group look like.
That's just frustrating. So you're either fatties or anorexic, but no middle ground. And how rude! Mom or not, looking at someone and calling them fattie is just uncool!
Next time she says you're too thin, maybe just say thank you. "You're getting too thin". "Really? THANKS!"
I would rather look anorexic than tubby, myself. Explaining normal BMI also sounds like a good idea.
I'm stopping here, at 133 pounds. At 5'3" My BMI is 23.6. I'm on the higher end of healthy but I know this is rock-bottom for me. I'm done.
I'm really tired of hearing from my Mom: "I want you to stop losing weight." or "You can never be a size 2." She started this when I was 140 pounds, or JUST into a healthy BMI for my height (140 pounds is a BMI of 24.8)
Well, hey, guess what Mom, I wear size 2 sometimes (I'm a size 2/4 or 3/5). I didn't really intend to get here, but I did. I also don't really care if you want me to stop losing weight, I'm going to do it when I feel comfortable (which is now). My body, my rules.
I think it doesn't help that people seem to think I'm a bit lighter than I really am that when I actually tell people how much I weigh they usually look at me if I'm crazy....my mom included.
You know...I wonder if your mom isn't just used to how you looked when you were heavier? I can think of a couple people in my family who've always been heavy, and lost quite a bit of weight recently. They got a lot of criticism afterwards, but over a year they've kept it off, their faces adjusted (don't have that gaunt look anymore), and everybody shut up about it.
Just tell her you're healthy and happy and let her get used to your new slim bod.
I'll speak up for the moms....The name calling is not cool. However, it's the mommy syndrome. We always feel like we have a DUTY to opinionate and still "raise" grown children. It's hard to let go of and doesn't make it right (especially when we're harsh). Evaluate....Did it come from a place of misguided, nosey love? Or, did it come from a cruel place? If the latter, then vent away. If the former, talk to her gently and raise your concern. My two cents
my mom tells me I am fat. She tells me about fad diets yet brings donuts when she visits. when I dont eat them she says are you dieting again? She is always telling me I looked better when I was skinny. Gotta love her.. I just tell her well I am fat now and working on it thank you
I honestly don't think anybody knows what healthy is anymore. The majority of our society have a higher body fat composition (meaning even if they weigh 120lbs doesn't mean they are healthy if they have more fat than lean muscle) I'm becoming more aware of overweight and unhealthy people in our society and it's become the "norm" so the more we do to achieve good health, lean muscle mass etc we look totally different. Your body changes so much on this journey I don't think those close to us are accustom to our new bodies. And honestly, deep down I believe they know what we are doing is the right thing to do, but it reaffirms their own healthy issues making them insecure or ready to attack the good you are doing. Ignore it, as hard as it is to do. My sister says the same thing to me, I will never be a size 2 or smaller than her (well she's more fat than muscle) so watch me! Just keep going and know you are doing the best thing for your body and health!
I agee with free1. This is your mother. Cut her some slack. Mothers worry about everything. Perhaps when you are a mother, you will see what I mean. You don't get to be rude to your mother ever!
I agee with free1. This is your mother. Cut her some slack. Mothers worry about everything. Perhaps when you are a mother, you will see what I mean. You don't get to be rude to your mother ever!
I'm a mother of 2 and would NEVER EVER say those things to my children. Just because someone is a parent doesn't give them a right to disrespect their kids. Would she say those things to a total stranger or an aquaintence? Probably not so why is it ok to say it to someone you gave birth to? It's probably not her intention to hurt but there is a way to APPROACH the situation better than she did. Parents need to learn that too and aren't always right just cause they have kids.
It's so unbelievably degrading. It's like looking at someone and trying to sum up everything you know about them and then tossing it aside and just calling them fattie.
It blows my mind that a mother would call her child a fattie. Having a discussion about weight is completely reasonable, but name calling is not.
There's nothing you can really do to change those people though, just going to have to just ignore it best you can. No matter what size you are, they'll never say anything nice.
I agee with free1. This is your mother. Cut her some slack. Mothers worry about everything. Perhaps when you are a mother, you will see what I mean. You don't get to be rude to your mother ever!
Are you implying that I was somehow rude to my mother? Thats rather offensive. I handled the situation by completely ignoring her silly comments. However, if she did take it to far and she has before, you better believe I would stand up for myself. Should I allow my boyfriend and I to be called names in front of the entire family? I can't do that, no one should be allowed to hurt my feelings and get away with it. Furthermore, it is not your place to tell me how to treat my mother. My mom is actually like my best friend, we have a great relationship but sometimes she takes it slightly to far and ends up being hurtful. Instead of getting angry with her I vent on the forum, how "rude" am I?
Isis - I think we all face the "you're too skinny" comments at some point. I think the closer we are to the person making them, the more it hurts. I have been heavy for a very long time. People - myself included - get used to seeing you at the heavy weight. Even I thought my face looked very thin for a while. Now I'm not sure if I've gotten used to it or if the "skelator" look has diminished.
I decided to stop at 90 pounds for a while to see how that all works out, but at about 80 pounds lost I started getting a lot of comments from friends. "You look like you've been sick." "You're going to look old pretty soon." Guess what - I AM old! "You can't possibly want to lose more weight!" And so on. I'm not even at a "healthy" BMI, strictly speaking. Just a pound or 2 away, but if I point that out, the response is always, "But you look thin." I'm 15 - 20 pounds heavier than high school (granted, that was over 40 years ago) and I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was in my 30's when I was at a really good weight. But no one remembers that weight. Just the 252 that I was until I started this weight loss trip in January.
We tend to get a bit obsessive about how we eat now. I think the ones who love us see that and translate it into "crazy" or something. My one SIL comments every time the family eats together, "I don't know if there's anything here you can eat." Like I only eat pine tree bark or water lily blossoms or arctic seal. I can't explain it, so I just try to ignore it.
I do think your mom crossed a line when she texted your boyfriend, though. Unless someone appears to be in actual danger, that sort of "intervention" isn't necessary. But, as a "dieter" and as a "mom" myself, I have to hope she was just looking out for what she thought was best for both you and your BF.
Just hang in there because they will all get used to the new and improved version of you very soon. Then the comments will stop.
An unpleasant or even abusive comment does not become less unpleasant or abusive if it is made by a parent. If anything, it is likely to be worse. Parents have greater power to hurt us, and parents who make such comments are also more likely to make them repeatedly and to treat their children with similar disrespect in other areas.
Isis21, that wasn't directed at you, even the best of parents can have off days where they say something hurtful that was out of character. I'm glad to hear she's not like this most of the time.
Our Weight Loss - NOT your business!
I'm not sure where she was but on Christmas both my boyfriend and I indulged in goodies! I don't understand why she thinks hes "too skinny" all of a sudden, he hasn't really lost any weight for months. Not that its any of her business anyway! I think its a little wacky that when people see someone who is actually at healthy body weight they start telling them to eat more. I am just so upset with her, when we were over weight she would call us fatties and now that we are healthy she thinks we are anorexic. Which is funny because my boyfriend and I go to her house every Sunday to eat dinner and guess what!? We actually eat. Sound's like we are complete anorexics don't we? 
(yes, I'm being sarcastic) 
Say something like, "We appreciate your concern but based on XX data the healthy height and weight for BF and I is XX and XX. And this is a weight that we feel most comfortable with." 
Just keep going and know you are doing the best thing for your body and health!
