Ya'll I need an intervention. I had a meltdown today trying to please everyone.
Backstory: I sing "special music" (solos) at church. I am singing at our Christmas Eve services. I was scheduled for the 5:30 and 7:00 p.m. services. Got a text from the music minister today that he was having issues getting a soloist at the 4 p.m. service...and could I sing at the 4 and 7. (Yes it will make for a long afternoon hanging at the church....but I happily said yes. I love to sing at church).
We spend Christmas Eve at my Mother-in-law's house (in the same town as our church) and texted her to tell her about the change. She freaked out. Not necessarily on me, but just freaked out that her plans had to change and all that jazz.
The gathering at her house isn't that big. Its me, my husband, her, and her brother and his two kids and her dad. And all we do is attend church, eat and open gifts. So my rescheduling is just changing the order to eat, church, presents.
But I had a breakdown about this. Either I'm making my MIL unhappy that we have to adapt plans or I'm making my music minister unhappy about trying to cover singers in all three services.
My MIL called to apologize saying we would "deal with it" but I have this feeling in my heart that I'm letting someone down and there is no "right" answer.
Luckily, this hasn't sent me in to a eating craze....but its making my heart heavy and unhappy today. Boo.
I used to make it my job to please people. I even went to therapy to work on it. One day I found myself on a beach in the Bahamas, sitting under a tree in the shade with our tour guide. He asked me "Why aren't you out on the beach like everyone else?". I said "I really don't like the beach". The next question he asked me put it in perspective "Then why are you here?!?". I then explained to him that I was here because my companion (insert, bf, cousin, friend, whatever) wanted to go, THEY like the beach, THEY chose the destination.
The point is, there is no way I would have gone there, but because I wanted to please that person I went to probably the last place on earth that I would have chosen to go. (Im not a beach person! Give me Alaska or YellowStone National Park!). That's just one example. The point is, it was so draining to do what everyone else wanted to do, to keep them happy. The most powerful word I learn is "NO". I would feel guilty for not babysitting for so and so kids, or not being able to help who ever with putting up christmas lights, but it's good for you to say "No" every now and then. People were also really taking advantage of my kindness, and I found myself getting really hurt by people because I had expectations of how they should treat me in return. Treat other's as you'd like to be treated never worked out. I would treat people a certian way and they would never return the favor. This used to hurt me.
Do what's best for you. I'm sure you're MIL will adjust. Life happens, plans change, things come up. And remember, you can NEVER please everyone. It will make you nutty taking that approach in life! Good luck, sorry I don't have much advice except to share with you my own experience with people pleasing. Have a wonderful holiday!
I was thinking about it the other day, actually, because it wears me out.
I came to the conclusion that our world is smooth sailing until us "people pleasers" merge with someone who is very open about being an "anti-people pleaser" (sounds a bit like your MIL).
These people, these anti-people pleasers, certainly are not bad people. They are simply honest - they let you know how they feel, even if its negative, and they try to maintain control over the situation at all times.
The "anti-people pleasers" are better suited for those who are neither people pleasers, nor anti-people pleasers (they cannot be around other anti-people pleasers because they butt heads constantly). We'll call the moderate ones simply "neutral".
Your MIL is not a people pleaser. If she were, she would have internalized her worries about changing the schedule when you asked her - she would have never even told you it was a problem.
The "people pleasers" together with the "anti-people pleasers" almost always ends in disaster - but typically only on the side of the "people pleaser" who gives in to something unwanted or continues to feel bad for inconveniening someone else.
Trust me, your MIL, the "anti people pleaser" is not suffering nearly as much as you imagine she is. You don't need to carry around guilt for another minute, she isn't.
In the end, it is just a meal-time. We all have enough food. It is no emergency.
Families are complicated, and we don't know what else MIL has going on. She may be a little selfish or she may overwhelmed, because she, too, is doing many things for many people. Who knows? She is hosting a gathering, which shows she cares about her family.
Razorbb - My guess is she had a temp melt down, maybe caught off guard. Perhaps she thought it would be more difficult to change plans than it really is. Upon thinking more, she's made the mental change and it seems like she's offering an olive branch to you. So graciously accept it, do your singing and let her know how much that means to you. Show her love, acknowledge her flexibility and you won't be letting her down at all.
I've struggled with being a people pleaser for my entire life, even as a child.
The breaking point for me was getting engaged to a guy I liked, but wasn't ready to marry. I liked his family, my family liked him, and though I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him forever, I couldn't say no. I was terrified to disappoint all those people so I sacrificed my happiness. The relationship went downhill from there, as I became very depressed over the situation. Eventually, I broke up with him and gave back the ring.
From that point forward I promised myself I would work on this extreme people pleasing. I love to see people happy, especially those I care about, but I have to watch out for my own happiness too. I didn't realize how much my ability to help others was hindered when I was depressed from sacrificing myself too much.
I still haven't found the perfect balance and often err on the side of trying to please, but it's a very hard habit/lifestyle to break. I love this forum so much because we can all talk about stuff like this. It's awesome to have support
People Pleasers Annonymous
