Friend told me something bad another friend said. Let it go?
I have been dating an incredible guy since July but last night was the first time I introduced him to a couple girlfriend's of mine. The one I am closest to, "GF1", had dinner with us and the other, "GF2", met us afterwards for drinks with a guy she was on a first date with. A good time was had and that was it. Today GF1 texted me asking if I talked to GF2. I said I hadn't but was curious as to how the first date went as I didn't get to ask last night. Then GF1 said, "GF2 said she didn't think your boyfriend was good looking...at all! And she's glad you two won't be fighting over men".
Honestly, GF2's opinion doesn't matter to me in the long run but it did bother me she said that. Even though I happen to think my boyfriend is adorable. But what irritates me the most is why GF1 felt the need to tell me what she said! What was the freaking point? Why did GF1 feel this was information I needed to know? For all she knew, this could have really hurt my feelings. In a way, it did. Just like it would bother me if GF2 called him boring or a jerk or a bad dresser.
I am not going to confront GF2 because she can say whatever she wants. But my question to you all is --- Should I ask GF1 was her reason was for telling me what GF2 said? I really really want to know why. Or should I just let it go? I think what GF1 did was immature and highschool'ish. She is a good friend of mine and I don't know why she thought it was ok to hurt my feelings like that. I don't know.....maybe I am being too sensitive and if you think so, feel free to tell me!
I think you confronting GF1 is only useful if you think you can't get past it. If you can't, then maybe this will give her a chance to redeem herself for her insensitive act. I've recently had something very similar happen to me. A woman I know (W1) told me that a woman she knows (W2) who doesn't even know me said that I was completely fake...even though I've never had a conversation with her. I was shocked that someone would say that about me but then, when I thought about it, I was more upset that this woman (W1) felt the need to tell me.
I never confronted her but here's what I think it was about: she wanted to prove to me (in a very childish way) how loyal she was to me and she wanted to tell me about how she defended me integrity. What she should have done was to defend me without sharing any of this with me. It was useless info, but people sometimes lack confidence and maybe your GF1 doesn't feel secure enough in her relationship with you. Or, maybe she's jealous that you have such a great guy. I really don't know. Do you have any suspicions as to why she would do it?
Do you have the type of relationship where you could confront her like this?
Personally, I wouldn't bring it up now - I'd do it the next time she decided she had to quote someone saying bad things about me or someone I cared about.
The main reason I wouldn't rehash it, and instead would wait for another incident, is that we're not all that different from puppies. Dealing with a problem (whether it's rewarding/praising desired behavior or punishing/criticising unwanted behavior) it's more effective WHEN it occurs "in the moment."
I've found that the most effective response is a very perplexed, yet shockingly amused reaction of "Why on earth would you think I'd want to hear that?" and maybe even, "is that what YOU secretly believe, too?" or if it was frequent behavior I might even say "Did she say that or did you say that?"
The reason I might say the last thing, is because I found it so often is true. Someone will tell you what they think of you, but pretend someone else said it, so they don't have to take the "blame" for it.
Sometimes I've even said THAT to someone (I'll say... You know a lot of times people will tell you what they think of you by pretending someone else said it, have you ever noticed that?)
I've found that when I tell people THAT, they're reluctant to ever pass along evil gossip ever again, because they know that I'm going to THINK that they might have actually been the person who said it.
My first thought was, is GF1 single? Because GF1 relaying that comment to you (and who knows how that conversation between her and GF2 really went) seems like it's more about how GF1 might feel about something than it is about GF2. For example, if she's single and the two guys got along well last night, maybe she's concerned that you/GF2/the guys might end up a foursome and she'll be the odd one out. Or some other similar fear, and her relaying that comment to you might just be an expression of that fear.
Also though, people sometimes just do/say hurtful or insensitive things without meaning to, despite it seeming unbelievable that they wouldn't realize it could be hurtful. I went through a pretty terrible experience back in June related to a failed pregnancy, and when my best friend visited me after I got out of the hospital she did and said a few things that seemed unbelievably insensitive - which is out of character for her. I never addressed them with her, but we had a conversation a few weeks later that made me realize that she NEVER would have been intentionally hurtful in relation to that situation. So, I figure that she was maybe just unsure how to behave in relation to what had happened.
Considering that you're close with GF1, maybe you should simply let her know that her relaying that potentially hurtful comment was itself hurtful. I think that if you were to ask her WHY she did it, it would or could come across as confrontational, and her response might be a defensive one. If you instead just let her know that she has hurt you, that leaves more room for her to be open with you about how she's feeling or why she might have said that.
There's a proverb I heard a long time ago that applies to these situations.
One who repeats an insult is also insulting you.
I think it's very wise of you to ignore the fact that GF2 said anything (if that is what she said in the first place, being that there's no way to confirm exactly what she said, and really... what's the point in confirming it anyways?).
I wouldn't bother bringing it up to GF1. I'd let it go... for now.
If this turns into a habit of GF1 repeating an insult that someone else gave, then a quick "Listen, friend, I really don't want to hear secondhand insults. If so&so says something to you about me or mine, do me a favor and don't tell me about it. Ever. I don't want to hear it, because it doesn't further anything."
That is a fear of mine - that my boyfriend's friends are talking about me behind my back, saying, "She's really not that pretty. At least I'd never date her!"
But, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I truly believe that.
People are complex, pinning down exactly why she did something is impossible. I do agree with luckymommy, she is primitively stressing her loyalty to you and trying to make GF2 an outsider. This is definitely not something she has consciously contemplated.
Be careful, because she is likely to turn this behavior around at any moment - making a pact with GF2 and excluding you.
Or, as kaplods said, maybe what GF2 said reflects her own opinion of your boyfriend. Who cares if someone thinks your boyfriend looks good or not? I've dated pretty men and not-so pretty men. Their looks never had anything to do with the quality of our relationship.
And, as chickadee32 brought out, it could be that she is feeling like she will soon be ousted from the couples' group. So, if she can separate you from either a) your boyfriend or b) your GF2, then she can maintain her place of importance in someone's life. Of course, this is also not something she consciously thought-through.
Regardless, we have all said things that we regret. We feel silly for saying them. If she is any type of reflective person, she probably also feels awkward for saying it.
I'd let it go too, I think it'd make for an odd conversation.
So, there are many reasons she did this - and I don't think any of them were reflected on by her.
If she continues to say such things, then yeah, treat her like a puppy! It could be that she received good results (the results she wanted) earlier in life by pitting people up against eachother.
Its like my mother says to me on a constant basis: Pick your battles...IMO, this one seems like it would be better to let go of.... I have come to understand that people who live lives of gossip, are often people who have no lives at all..if she has to tell you what your other girlfriend said, then obviously she has to think and talk about your love life or else she has nothing to talk about. It has also come to my attention, that people say things when they are feeling hurt or have been hurt by someone else. For instance for GF2 to say that about your boyfriend, was rather judgemental..and where does judgement come from? it comes from hurt from being judged..So its evident that GF2 has more issues of her own to deal with and good for you, for not worrying about her opinion about your bf..seriously..your the one dating him, not her..why should she have to comment about it anyway?
IMO.. this seems like a situation of GF1 stirring the pot a bit..is this her way of trying to cause tension or division between you and GF2 because inless she is completely clueless..she would have had to know that you would have thought about talking to GF2 about what she "supposedly" said...which by the way, you dont even know if its completely true? How do you know that it isnt GF1 thinking those thoughts about your boyfriend but claiming GF2 said them so that she can hide instead of be out right confronting with you? It would be a way to save her butt and get the point across? would it not?
Anyway..point is: its not worth it to bother getting into it..especially if the hidden motive on GF1's side is to cause hurt or division..your better off to leave it because then no one else has the potential to get hurt ... im sorry all this happend..
This is it - exactly. That is how I felt about the situation.
Thank you ALL for your fabulous wisdom and advice. I did make the decision to ask, but not confront, GF1 about it. I chose my words carefully and I'm glad I said something because when she initially told me what GF2 said she didn't provide the entire context of their conversation.
Back story.... Last week GF2 was talking about how "hot" her roommate was and she couldn't wait for us to meet him. Went on and on how beautiful he was. GF2 was hoping to hook him up with GF1. Well, GF1 and I met him and we didn't think he was "hot. Cute, yes. But not hot. GF1 told GF2 she didn't find him as attractive as GF2 made him out to be and I agreed. But what GF1 didn't know is that GF2 was interested in him at one time and they even flirted a little too but nothing ever came of it. So when GF1 and GF2 talked yesterday, GF1 said to her she thought my boyfriend was much hotter than her roommate. And that's when GF2 said she didn't think my bf was attractive at all.
So knowing now how it came up in the conversation it makes sense. Basically, GF2 was just retaliating. Because GF1 questioned GF2's description of her roommate, GF2 questioned GF1's description of my boyfriend. Even if GF2 did think my boyfriend was cute she wouldn't give GF1 the satisfaction of agreeing. Yes, GF2 is very immature and socially stunted. That is why her opinion of my bf (or anything for that matter) doesn't make a difference. She's a very catty and insecure person; which is why I don't hang out with her unless we are in a group setting.
GF1 admitted that she thought she should have elaborated and felt terrible that she hurt my feelings. I believe her. I'm glad I cleared the air with her and I feel so much better about the situation.
Thank you all again for your thoughts and advice! I really needed some unbiased opinions last night! Oh, and I totally refrained from comfort eating last night which I would have done in a heartbeat if this happened last year.
This happened via text? My first thought was that she may have thought you would find it funny or she thought it was funny, except it didn't come across that way in the written form. I've definitely misconstrued intent (usually sarcasm/dry humor) from emails and texts. Maybe this is just a simple misunderstanding?
My first thought was another old saying, "be careful what you ask for, you might get it". I say leave it alone ,unless it comes up again and then confront it at that time. I, personally think this is a lot of petty, possibly jeolous , girl talk. If it happens again, right away ask "why do you think it is important that I have this information?"
I never take information from a third party. I like to hear it from the horses mouth so to speak. Just keep it as a warning in the back of your head about BOTH friends. Cause really, if someone gossips to you about someone else most likely they are doing it to you too. I'm not saying your friends are doing this, but just be aware of it and put your walls up where need be and what type of information you trust with certain people. There are friends in my life with whom I can tell EVERYTHING cause we have that type of closeness, yet with others they are at an arms length, we chatter etc, but I keep out of the gossip and don't get too too personal about me if I notice they are gossiping about others.....just watch and be aware and act accordingly. I wouldn't say anything, just keep the info as a little tid bit on both girls
GF1 admitted that she thought she should have elaborated and felt terrible that she hurt my feelings. I believe her. I'm glad I cleared the air with her and I feel so much better about the situation.
I'm REALLY glad to hear that. It really weighs on me when there's something wrong between a friend and I (or between a family member and I), and it's hard to relax at all until that tension is resolved. I'm so glad everything is ok and that you're feeling better.
Friend told me something bad another friend said. Let it go?
