Hi,
I have not posted in long time. Just wanted to say that I regained all my weight.
I moved to NYC in 1.5 years ago. Since then, I was able to lose some weight. But then, my landlord (slumlord…?) refused to renew my lease, and blamed me for things that I did not do, because everyone else there was his family. He also chased me down the street. I had a hard time finding an apartment because I was competing with so many other people in roommate interviews. I had to sublet. Then I found an apartment, but there was a gap between the lease ending of the sublet and the start of the new lease-mid Oct. It was way more than I could afford, so I also had to get a roommate.
I was supposed to stay with a relative but then she found out that she got bedbugs the day I scheduled a move, so I had to get a UHaul room, so I had to pay for the broker's fee (15%…ouch!), rent, security deposit, UHaul room and a double move. It hurt to spend that money because I make very little in a nonprofit.
I ended up staying with a coworker uptown. Didn't really cook there, mainly ate PB and J sandwiches. I'm someone who likes at least little bit of private space and although I was grateful for a place to stay, constantly being around strangers stressed me out and I found myself waking up at 4 AM just to have some alone time in the living room…eating.
Got to my new place and painted a wall because I always wanted to, ate pretty much whatever when I got there because I had no cooking supplies yet-had to buy everything from scratch and pretty much everything was covered in plastic because I painted. Got a roommate after a week of meeting with people-I had 90 applicants in less than a week, so I can see why I hardly got any offers when I was on the other side lol.
In this time, I managed to put on all my weight. I sort of hate myself for it. I allowed the stress to take over and I let myself go in terms of diet-I ate what was convenient, mainly because I wasn't in a place where I could cook and because I needed just that 1 part of my life to be relaxed-I was always on edge. Now I am still unsettled-I have yet to unpack because my weekends have either been painting, roommate searching and work. I want this weekend to be totally relaxed so I can unpack and feel more comfortable/start settling down, cooking, setting up an exercise routine etc.
I just can't let this feeling go of being totally angry at myself.
I finally got the nerve to weigh myself. Guess the upside is that I didn't gain even more weight, I'm on square 1 rather than…square negative? haha
I don't mean to come across as whiny, or "excuses excuses excuses" but for me at least, it was just a lot and I let it get to me =(
Thank you all for reading!! I haven't even addressed my weight until now, because I was thinking about other things I still have to take care of. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the time my friends from my hometown visit, and retake the LSAT so I can be a tutor.
I have to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have an old post about my family, and my mother-who before told me I got uglier when I gained weight and now says that she wants me fat to make sure that I am eating now that I am not home-just the control issues with her stress me out- and going home so often (had to go home for my bday last week) makes me want to cry and scares me because that is the one place I cannot resist binging-anywhere else I can adjust, but not my childhood home...I hate home. I'm just dreading it all and I can't wait for this to all be over with-I keep on having this thought in my mind "will this ever END? or at least temporarily?!" =(
I miss posting here+you all!!!
I regained all my weight UGH
