When I first met my fiance, I was on here losing weight, but was down to 135 lbs (I'm 5'7) so I was already in pretty good shape. I got pregnant last year and spent 3 months on bed rest for pre-term labor. Unfortunately, I just laid down all day and ate. Unsurprisingly, I gained a lot of weight - 50 lbs. I lost 10 lbs and got very ill. Since then, I was diagnosed with porphyria, a metabolic disorder. I've been hospitalized twice. Each time, I had to eat double servings of carbohydrates while being pumped full of glucose. I ended up weighing 217 after the last hospital trip in August. Dieting triggers the flare-ups so I must eat at least 400 g of carbs each day and must eat a minimum of 1800 calories. For every hour of exercise, I must eat 100 extra calories. Thus, weight loss is very slow.
I've managed to get down to 196 in the last few months and was feeling proud of myself, but lately my fiance has made me feel like crap about myself. First, he told me the reason he doesn't initiate sex with me anymore is because I'm not as attractive anymore. Then the other day he said I was a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I just feel so ugly around him now and won't even change in front of him. I feel kind of betrayed too. We're getting married in a month and this is how he feels? It's ruining my diet too. I have to force myself to eat because I'm so stressed about losing weight so he'll think I'm beautiful again. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry this is so long. I just really needed to vent.
If you're comfortable with him to get married to him, then he should definitely be more supportive. Sounds like he is just putting you down and making your weight loss way harder instead of being supportive. I'd say you should re think your marriage. He's a meanie.
I am saying this with your best interest at heart GET RID OF HIM! If you care about someone, you do not speak to them in that way, especially when the person has medical issues that has caused the weight gain. Think very carefully before you tie yourself to a guy who emotionally abuses you.
Sounds like you have some medical issues which are going to make weight loss slower for you but not impossible, look you lost 9lbs, you can do it. Slow and steady wins the race.
Hugs to you.
You need to at the very least postpone this wedding, if not cancel it all together. I'm not saying break up with him (though honestly? I would!), but I'm just saying you need to not be entering into a life-long commitment to this guy in a month with the way he's talking.
People who are more visually-driven than others can take weight changes very hard.. personally it is a deal breaker for me for someone to say that to me, but if you want to save the relationship somehow? You guys are going to need counseling.
So that's what I'd recommend.. couples counseling, calling off the wedding, and then re-assessing the situation later.
Last edited by Raine; 11-04-2011 at 03:54 PM.
Reason: spelling
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this right now.
I suggest printing out your post and asking your fiance to read it during a neutral time. Not in an attacking way, but merely a way to open up the communication about this issue right now. Maybe he doesn't realize the extent of what you're going through. Of how hard you're working. Of how hurt you are by his words.
You might find that talking some of these things out with him helps your relationship, or you might find out that this a bigger issue. You may even see that he's not the type of person you thought he was.
In any case, it's likely better to find out before you get married.
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Last edited by Lovely; 11-04-2011 at 02:57 PM.
Reason: Spellin'
I would rather see if I can salvage the relationship if possible because I do love him and we have a 16 month old son to think about.
I think counseling could be a good idea. I think I will bring that up. I have told him that he's being hurtful and he apologizes, but then he'll say something later. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if it just slips out.
I agree with the others. If he's this unsupportive and nasty to you now, think of how much worse it will get when you're married. Emotional abusers frequently turn into physical abusers and you won't want him anywhere near you or your child. Save yourself the pain and dump him.
I think counseling could be a good idea. I think I will bring that up. I have told him that he's being hurtful and he apologizes, but then he'll say something later. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if it just slips out.
These are definitely questions that can be explored and potentially resolved with the help of a counselor. Some people really do just need a neutral third-party to lay it all out for them before they will understand there is a problem.
If he's willing to do counseling, I'd certainly say give it a try. I just hope he doesn't become aggressive at the suggestion / reject it entirely, and that he remains open to it.
I can't tell you what you should do. I can tell you a story. I have a guy friend that I've known for over 20 years. He dated and then married a lady that I became friends with. When they married, she was probably a size 3 or something and a dancer and drop dead gorgeous. She had multiple health issues that resulted in weight gain, a hip replacement (in her early 30's), arthritis, etc. She gained weight. She was still beautiful, but she got up to 210. He stopped having sex with her, then he cheated on her, then he divorced her. The woman he cheated on her with gained a little weight, and he dumped her too. I guess the moral there is if a guy is that hung up on weight, he might not be the right guy to marry. One thing I love about my guy is he loved me at 135, and he loved me at 225, and he loves me now. And he has never told me he doesn't find me attractive and he's never wanted to stop having sex. The person you choose as your life mate should be the *most* supportive person in your life, not the least.
I was married to a man who asked me "when are you going to lose weight!?!"...this was early in our marriage and he was over weight himself.
Years later, when I lost the weight, it became "where are you going?", "who are you with?"...if I went to the store I had to show him a receipt with the time stamp on it showing when I left. Eventually I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself, even to the store.
Then it turned into regular purse checks to see what I had in there and he would stop by my work unannounced. The final straw was when he stopped making payments on my car, yet continued making payments on his and drove me everywhere.
I stuck around for 13 years hoping things would get better, but they only got worse. What I regret the most was that my step-son that we raised saw his behavior, and me allowing myself to continuously be treated this way, as acceptable. He thought it was ok to treat your wife this way.
You mention an 18 month old son to think about. Would you be happy if he talks to his wife when he grows up the way your future husband is talking to you?
Ok, you all need to step back and think before you speak. We do not know this situation and yet people are saying to LEAVE?
This is my perspective. First, is he telling you this out of the blue, or are you asking him and he's being honest? Second, does he usually just blurt out things he's feeling and not think things through? That might be part of it. That's just the way he is.
And I'll try to step in his shoes - he fell in love with a young, healthy, thin woman. In the time you have been together you have had a baby (stressful), had health problems and quickly ballooned in weight. "YOU" the OP are not comfortable with the weight gain, so why should he be? And just because he's not as attracted to you (are you attracted to overweight men?) as he was before, does not mean he feels you are ugly or undesirable. HE IS WITH YOU and he doesn't have to be if he doesn't want to.
Also, this hiding from him and being afraid to undress in front of him. That's your own insecurities and has nothing to do with him. A man likes a confident woman - a woman who loves herself. Sure, he might not be as easily fired up with your extra weight, but with you sulking and acting insecure that adds to your "lack of hotness".
You have to remember - while you've been going through all this - so has he - but he's there and he loves you. Ask him for help in becoming the woman you want to be and what he wants too.
And as far as the "he'll leave you" stuff. If men are going to cheat, they will cheat if it's 'in them'. It has nothing to do with someone being fat or old or whatever. We can always find anecdotal stuff that says "he found someone thinner" but I've known men to leave thin wives to be with heavier women too.
I agree with berryblondeboys 100%. What is the point of joining together in marriage or to have a family if we are to walk away at the signs of any problem, without even making some sort of attempt to work it out. Remember, ATTEMPT, at least give things a chance. And the OP has made that clear too. Remember we are talking about a family here, not some 6 month boyfriend who may come or leave without a trace. Before breaking up a family, why should she not at least attempt?
Ok, you all need to step back and think before you speak. We do not know this situation and yet people are saying to LEAVE?
This is my perspective. First, is he telling you this out of the blue, or are you asking him and he's being honest? Second, does he usually just blurt out things he's feeling and not think things through? That might be part of it. That's just the way he is.
And I'll try to step in his shoes - he fell in love with a young, healthy, thin woman. In the time you have been together you have had a baby (stressful), had health problems and quickly ballooned in weight. "YOU" the OP are not comfortable with the weight gain, so why should he be? And just because he's not as attracted to you (are you attracted to overweight men?) as he was before, does not mean he feels you are ugly or undesirable. HE IS WITH YOU and he doesn't have to be if he doesn't want to.
Also, this hiding from him and being afraid to undress in front of him. That's your own insecurities and has nothing to do with him. A man likes a confident woman - a woman who loves herself. Sure, he might not be as easily fired up with your extra weight, but with you sulking and acting insecure that adds to your "lack of hotness".
You have to remember - while you've been going through all this - so has he - but he's there and he loves you. Ask him for help in becoming the woman you want to be and what he wants too.
And as far as the "he'll leave you" stuff. If men are going to cheat, they will cheat if it's 'in them'. It has nothing to do with someone being fat or old or whatever. We can always find anecdotal stuff that says "he found someone thinner" but I've known men to leave thin wives to be with heavier women too.
Hugs to you OP.
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm not comfortable with my weight and am working to fix it. On the other hand, when I met him he was a lot more fit. He's not overweight now, but he did have a lot more muscles, a six pack, etc back then. I still find him completely attractive now. I fell in love more with his personality. I guess it's not the same for men?
As for the hiding and whatnot, I know that is based in part in my own securities, but it is partly because I know how he feels about my appearance now. I have no problem undressing in front of others, which I do a lot for theater/ swimming, etc. I'm most self-conscious around him.
My fiance thinks I'm ugly now...
He's a meanie.
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this right now. 
