Once I get to know people, I'm okay, but I'm so awkward and basically antisocial before that point. And the older I get (almost 40), the less likely I am to get to the "get to know people well enough to get comfortable" stage.
Any tips? Things I can practice? Sometimes I make myself have awkward conversations for practice, but I don't seem to be getting any better at it, and then I just replay the awkwardness in my head all day.
Oh my heck...you and I are twins! I use to freeze up all the time when it came to talking to people...I still do sometimes, lol.
People love to talk about things they find interesting, so you need to find out what that is. Don't simply ask them "how are you?" you might just get "I'm fine/good". Ask them things like "what do you have planned for the weekend?" or "planning any big vacations?" (this is a hard one since so many people are struggling financially) or even "do you have any pets?".
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If you don't know someone really well, steer away from negative comments (I've watched people be negative and it was horribly uncomfortable) such as "I don't like thin crust pizza. It reminds me of crackers and if I wanted crackers I'd eat a saltine." Who wants to talk to that person????
Sometimes I make myself have awkward conversations for practice, but I don't seem to be getting any better at it, and then I just replay the awkwardness in my head all day.
I'd love your thoughts!
I think the statement above is a big stumbling block for you. I doubt anyone you are interacting with "replayed" your awkwardness after you left. I think your own self-confidence has a lot to do with your social interactions.
I'm sorry this is hard for you.
I agree that replaying the conversations isn't helping you, and possibly just giving yourself an opportunity to critisize yourself {been there done that}
I have always been a wall flower. I spend 8 years in speech therapy for stuttering and still have some problems, but I was asked to lead a Group in my Bible study {something I never thought I could do} and I've had some bumpy patches but I've become more adept at starting a conversation with a total stranger, making weekly phone calls, or drawing others out; some of the main responsbilites of a Group Leader. The old trick about ask them about themselves is my best suggestion. What did they do that week? Do they have any children? Most people are happy to have someone show some interest in them.
I think continuing to practice is your best bet. And sometimes it helps to be upfront about your social skills. I told one woman that I wasn't the best conversationalist and she confessed she wasn't either so we made a point to talk to each other each week. Keep trying.
I think the statement above is a big stumbling block for you. I doubt anyone you are interacting with "replayed" your awkwardness after you left. I think your own self-confidence has a lot to do with your social interactions....
I so agree with this! I have gotten worse as I age as well. My social anxiety and self confidence is closely connected to my weight. I have avoided getting to know people and I have even avoided social occasions (such as parties or going to a bar with friends) due to my weight. I tend to feel so much better about myself when I'm thin.
I had a couple of hurts in the past couple of years, loss of very good friends who pretty much replaced me. This didn't help.
I know my success in my weight loss will help, but the key is also to continue to put myself out there. The longer you avoid something, the harder it becomes to change that.
I'm 41. What really ticks me off the most about all of this is that at my age, I thought I'd be so over this type of feeling. I thought I would just ooze self confidence and wisdom by this point in my life!
OK, first of all thank you Ann for this thread, because is hit home this morning for me.
I have no advice for you, sorry. I am in the same boat, and as I read posts even on this forum, I see how I am not clicking with other members (my first thought is it is because I am new)(so I have backed off posting, now lurking and reading). My life is boring compared to others, and I always have read be yourself, well if someone asked me what I was doing this weekend, I would have to make up a story to sound interesting. (which I don't, so the interest in me stops there)
I am 55, and have no social skills (which I blame on my childhood and bad experiences in adulthood, trusting). And it doesn't get easier. I don't feel loney, I like soliditue, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to (other than my DH - who is my only best friend)
I look at each day as new, and have come to accept my social skills, you can't fake being the outgoing person. I like people and love their stories. I have found support from reading post on this site for my adventure on the SB Plan.
So maybe today I will make a friend, I'm game for it.
I am basically a shy person, to walk into a room full of people I don't know is hard for me to do. I solve this by being early, even if it mean sitting in my car waiting for someone to unlock the door. I also have found people love talking about themselves. Simple questions such as "Have you already lived in this area ?" This can bring a long answer , you don't have to say much other than nod your head and say "Yes or No" at appropriate times. People also love to talk about their children, but it is wise to be sure they have children before asking about them. In a nutshell get them talking about themselves , you don't have to say much but they will think you are a wonderful conversationlist.
I love this site because I can say what I'm feeling, and if I'm not certain that it sounds "just so" I can delete it and start over. Not so in person... I'm so shy and afraid of what people will think of me that I've given up on going out - even to Bible studies!
Twiniten - I know how you feel - It gets worse the older I get (55 next week.)
Chickadee, you're so very lucky that your DH is your best friend!
Bargoo - I love your advice! "In a nutshell get them talking about themselves , you don't have to say much but they will think you are a wonderful conversationlist."
I practice on people. Like, in a grocery store line I might say something to a person in line with me. At the very minimum I will smile. Or I will strike up a conversation with the checker. That type of thing. It feels "safe" to me because it's a quick, temporary thing that usually is non-judgmental.
But I do sympathize. I've tried to make some new women friends this past year and failed. One lady at the gym that I would talk to sometimes, and also a lady who was dating my good friend. Neither clicked. Most of my friendships are on the internet.
I am 60 and I still have this problem. I am socially awkward and to overcome that I *gush*. I think we all know that look that comes over the listener's face when that happens ... a sort of blank puzzlement and embarrassment.
That is the trouble with small talk.
Thing is, see how easily we talk here, identify and share what are potentially embarrassing confidences? Fact is that at least half the people you speak to feel the same, the other half with whom you won't click ... well, they have folk they speak with who they click with and are simply not your type.
The trick is to know that folk you talk to are talking from their own perspective, that is unless they are close friends. Getting into conversation with someone new is just testing ground, finding common interests and establishing some basis for future interaction. For me, this is so much easier when you actually start your interaction on-line without all the hassle of getting through the face-to-face awkwardness. Plus if you don't gel you get to simply move on without obstacles.
I used to meet a lot of folk I clicked with online, when I was living in UK. I am agoraphobic but this did not hamper the fact that I could hold game meets, have internet buddies stay over, and I hosted a D&D group. Some were great, some did not transfer over well into real life, some simply drifted off. Just like life!
Think of your social awkwardness as individual or eccentric. I promise you that the people you feel awkward around are just as eccentric, and nor do they know something you don't about mingling and chatting .. they just operate from their own stage.
This is important! I have school age children, so I often find myself in situations where I meet people I haven't met before, or I spend time with someone I met a few months ago. We all have something in common such as our kids, their school, their activities, etc. This helps keep me social, and I develop friendships along the way. Some last, some don't. Without that, I'd probably hide out at home, more.
Finding a group with a common interest is a great idea! A book club, a running or walking club, or another type of group. You can find these groups at Meetup.com.
I also have school aged children and have found a couple of friends that way. Unfortunately, it also means I am forced into potential social situations very often. Honestly, there is a huge part of me that cannot wait for my kids to get older so I don't have to be in these situations as much. This year I am on the PTO so it has even been worse than usual.
If you can get involved with a situation before you are required to be there it helps. For instance, asking the hostess if she needs help setting up or cooking before a party. On PTO I have come to realize it is better if I sign up to coordinate an event. That way, I am so busy I don't have time to think about the social aspect and dont stand around looking awkward.
Social Skills
