[Expunge]

Hi all, this post might contain triggers so I figured I should warn about that before continuing.

I've never posted in this sub-forum before, but I realized last night that I probably should be. I use binging and overeating as a method of persistent self-sabotage. It's not a matter of not knowing what I'm doing is bad or against my goals; it's not a matter of even being hungry or unable to resist most of the time. It's far deeper and more complicated than that, and I figured the chicks over in this sub-forum would probably understand what I meant by that the best.

I already know this is unhealthy. I already know I feel horrible - on a purely physical level - from doing it; my body is rebelling against the awful stuff I've put into it.

Over the last 72 hours, I've had the following (the calorie estimates are a little rough):

-A sandwich at a restaurant consisting of barbeque sauce, ranch dressing, cheese, and fried chicken strips: 1500 cals
-served with french fries that I dipped in more bbq sauce: at least 300 cals
-A two-scoop sundae with whipped cream: 390 cals

Then I ordered takeout and had:
-Mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce: no nutrition info available, but for comparable places I'm going to estimate around 600 cals for my portion
-A caesar side salad covered in cheese and slathered in too much dressing (prob. around 2 servings): gonna estimate around 500 cals
-A gyro on white pita slathered in tzatziki sauce - at least 600 cals
-served with curly fries - yup, dipped those in bbq sauce: a good 250 cals, since I didn't eat all of them (finally was too full)

-A sandwich/salad two-fer thing at Panera bread - that actually wasn't too bad compared to the other things on this list... until I got chips and drank a soda with it - 930 cals
-Oh yeah, the soda. I've had at least 5 sodas in the last 3 days - I'll tack on around 800 cals for that
-Two hot dogs with ketchup on white buns - 580 cals
-A handful of bbq potato chips - 100 cals
-Half a prepackaged, processed pepperoni stromboli: 750 cals
-A cinnamon-raising bagel slathered in cream cheese: 470 cals
-Two cups of lobster bisque (the kind made with heavy cream and tons of butter... one cup had 19g of saturated fat in it alone!): 700 cals
-Two bowls of cereal, which I ate when I wasn't even hungry, just because I felt like it and wanted something crunchy. It was a low-sugar organic granola type - which means even though it doesn't have a bunch of crap in it, it's still pretty energy-dense and has a lot of calories: 680 cals for both

That's over 9000 calories in under 72 hours. More than double my sensible, easy-to-live-with goal of 1500 calories a day, and I have a feeling I'm probably forgetting some stuff here and there because I didn't write it all down while I was doing it - this is just what I remember eating.

I made this thread because I felt like I needed to publicly acknowledge my problem, to make myself realize how messed up and counterproductive my behaviors are.

I'm committing myself today to eating normally and trying to foster positive behaviors that don't sabotage my goals.

[boomerang]

Expunge I understand completely and I feel for you. I imagine you must be feeling bewildered and overwhelmed. Speaking of triggers, any idea what started this 72 hr. off program eating? NO NEED to share, just thought that identifying the trigger event might help you.
Clearly you know what to do since you've lost such an impressive amt. of wt. You have started again today. In my book, no lesson is wasted, if you apply it to your continued journey. What I find really worthy of admiration is that you stopped after 72 hours.

[tigerchild]

So what's been going on in your head and heart for the last 48 hours aside from the food and eating behaviors?

Have you thought about strategies you can use to make different decisions the next time the emotions/situation pops up?