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Nothing to do with weight loss but my relationshhip& I have nowhere else to turn :(

#1

tinkerbelll , 09-11-2011 03:33 AM

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this

2 years ago I moved to Pittsburgh from my hometown NJ b/c I met a man that i fell in love with quickly, who also is a music producer, & I am a singer and he desperately wanted to work with me. We met & 2 months later I moved in with him. I'm over weight to and theres a reason Im mentioning is b/c it has to do with what im going through. SO the plan was for me to move in, get a part time job so I have some $ for me, but the main focus was to be on my losing weight and recording songs. Things didn't really work out as planed bc we were a new couple so we did a lot of lounging around and not doing much work but just being in that new lovey dovey phase where ya just wanna cuddle with eachother & just watch movies and veg all day.

SO the 1st few months went by & we did record my 1st 4 songs which was awesome but then I started going through alot of personal stuff with my family back home and my mind just couldn't focus on music or my weight loss. SO fast forward a year. WE ended recording more music and completed an EP but the thing is I never performed and havent done anything live bc of my weight. My bf, who is also my producer & my manager, says that he does not want me to come out as a big singer bc im not as marketable & Im too beautiful to come out big that he doesn't want me to get ripped bc of my weight, which I understand too bc I am so insecure of my weight I barely want to go anywhere. & that's a big problem I dont ever go anywhere. I been here for 2 years & I have absolutely no life. I sit at home every single night. I got laid off from my job a year ago & been collecting unemployment which has been ok bc it gave me time to finish my songs & lose 50lbs so far (I still have 60 to go ) but i never have $$ my bf pays for everything and supports me which is great but we never do anything! Except go to a movie here & there. Im just getting so anxious & fed up. WHEN I talk about things with my bf he rarely ever gets me. He always says WE WOULD BE DOING SO MUCH MORE WITH YOUR CAREER BUT YOU NEED TO GET THE REST OF YOUR WEIGHT OFF U BEFORE WE CAN DO IT & listen I'm not complaining about that bc I too feel like im way too insecure to get on stage, I sang all when I was younger & throughout highschool but I gained 100lbs once i left highschool then met him 2 years after I graduated and its been a struggle losing it since then.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy b/c LITERALLY all that is ever discussed in this house is MUSIC-WEIGHT LOSS-MUSIC-WEIGHT LOSS its like honestly, My biggest passion in the entire world is music but Im starting to not have a desire for it bc its constantly being shoved in my throat i HAVE TO DO THIS & THIS & THAT & I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT FOR THIS & THAT Its literally like constantly being talked about. I honestly dont think we talk about anything else other then those 2 things.

I'm also only 24!!! & I have ZERO friends ZERO social life and i sit home every nite & weekend on the computer or watching sum lame movie. Im starting to really think about what im doing and something needs to change. My boyfriends also alot older then me, hes14 yrs older then me, hes in his 30's, so when I tell him i feel like im missing out on my 20's bc all i do is work on music, worry about working on music, lose weight, focus & worry about losing weight that its becoming overwhelming!! He always just says OH WHAT? U WANT TO GO TO CLUBS & BE LIKE THEM DUMB GIRLS ON JERSEY SHORE & BAD GIRLS CLUB? THAT STUFFS NOT IMPORTANT, THIS IS! & i just feel like NO of course i dont want to be like them girls!! I just wanna have a social life instead of sitting in the house all day n night. He just never gets me!!! He also says we cant really do much anyway bc he pays for everything.

I don't know. Then he talks about marriage & I do love him & think about it off & on I am NOT ready for marriage nor am i even sure If i want to marry him. BUT i love him so why aint I sure? I was sure, 2 years ago, that was until when I found out his real age (he kept his real age from me for 2 years, he told me he was 10 yrs younger, he looks sooo young so I believed him until I found his doctors papers with his age!) So since then I haven't really trusted him + hes so secretive with certain things, it makes me not trust him even more.

So pretty much I feel like I am just a caged bird that wants to spread her wings and fly!!! I love music, it is my passion my love my everything & i want to be a singer & he has the business sense, credits & savvy to get me where I want to be, also me met like it was destiny to meet, we lived 5 hours apart and we met through crazy circumstances, were both musicians, the week i met him i moved onto a street which was the same name as his 1st name!! & we share the same exact birthday! I mean so many little things happened, it was like the stars lined up for us to meet! SO the only thing thats really keeping me from not just up & going is my music. I do want to be a singer & I do want to lose the rest of my weight & most importantly I DO love this man! I just dont know what to do! I feel like life is slipping away!!

If you've gotten this far thank u soooo much for reading!!!! Please any advice would help. Thanks again!

& p.s sorry for the typos & the way I wrote. I'm just feeling super sad & typing extremely fast so I can hurry up & post this & get feedback

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#2

curlysue82 , 09-11-2011 09:31 AM

sorry i'm not sure what advice to give on this one, but sending your good vibes from here

Maybe just have another chat with your BF and if you still don't make any headway... Do a pro and con list? your happiness is most important in life everything else will follow that ...

Best of luck

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#3

shadetree20 , 09-11-2011 10:07 AM

I know you only mentioned it at the end, but that sends up some red flags that he lied about his age for two years and you think he's hiding more.

I would be pretty careful if I were you, and maybe start investigating some jobs where it would be possible for you to leave, just so you have some money & real decision making power in the relationship.

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#4

bronte155 , 09-11-2011 10:46 AM

That sounds like such a hard situation to be in! I think that from what you say in your post, you know what you need to do, it's just scary to think about actually doing it...but it's really hard for a relationship to be healthy when one person is completely dependent on the other both for social interaction and for financial support. I think you should find some ways to get out of the house so you can start making friends and having sources of support other than your boyfriend, which will take some pressure off the relationship...I know it's tough to find jobs right now, but having some income would also help a lot!

Also, there are LOTS of overweight singers! It's silly to put off your dreams until everything is 'perfect', because things will never be perfect. Go for it!

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#5

kaplods , 09-11-2011 10:59 AM

I'm very concerned that this is not a healthy relationship. There are just so many red flags (and lying about his age is just a very small part of it). It sounds like he is isolating you from others (which can be one of the first signs of a toxic, if not abusive relationship whether the isolation is intentional or not).

I don't like giving such intimate advice without knowing more about the situation, but there are just so many red flags that I feel I need to tell you to be very careful, and very protective of your personal needs and your independence. If it's a healthy relationship, doing so will only strengthen the relationship.

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#6

Love Guardian , 09-11-2011 11:19 AM

That sounds rough. I can understand your confliction. Lying about his age though for 2 years... Thats a red flag, what else is he keeping from you? Also men don't change. If he isn't understanding of your needs and It seems you've already been trying for a while to make him listen, it won't ever change. Curlysue might have it right about the pros and cons list, but ask yourself though, Does this man make you happy?

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#7

djs06 , 09-11-2011 11:32 AM

I moved a pretty significant distance about a year ago to be with my partner, to an area where I only knew her, so I understand how isolating it can be. When I came here, I also did next to nothing to try to develop my own interests and social life, which I'm paying for a year later, now that the "big move" dust has settled and I'm not so focused on getting settled and in a routine.

So I can relate a little bit to some of what you're going through, and I can tell you from experience how important it is for both you and your relationship to have your own interests, goals, and sounding boards. Please, please do something for yourself in this regard- join some activity or group, try to meet people with similar interests- I know money is tight, but see if you can find something free or inexpensive- people are social creatures and want to be other people!

I will agree with others that there are huge red flags in your relationship. The fact that he jumps all over you when you mention that you want a social life, accusing you essentially of wanting to act like an irresponsible teenager- he should be encouraging you to go out and do something, get your mind off of your problems, develop a support system in an area where you don't know anyone but him! The fact that he's not, as people have already mentioned, is a huge indicator that this is a controlling relationship. And if he lied about his age, and you only found out because you found his medical records, he is almost for sure lying about other things that are just as significant, if not more.

Be careful. Please try to develop a support system where you are and maintain your relationships back home, let them know what's going on. They will want to help you.

What it boils down to is- you deserve more.

Keep us posted!

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