It's almost been a week since I made myself throw up.
I've spent the last couple days sitting and thinking about my life. What caused me to hate myself so much that I would puke all my food out, healthy and unhealthy, a meal or a snack? What did I find so hideous about myself? The fact that I was really fat? The fact that I thought nobody wanted to be around me? What was it that made me so addicted to purging?
I pondered these questions a lot. Yes, I had depression for a long time, and being obese was a factor. But I never considered that people maybe didn't want to be around me because I was so negative. Or because I was quiet and stayed to myself, not really interacting much.
And I never considered what was really beautiful about me. Sure,my size wasn't acceptable to many, or even really healthy. But I never considered my insides: caring, kind, honest, wanting to help change the world. My size had me way too self conscious and sensitive. And I never considered other things that were attractive to me, or never took it to heart when people would tell me I had beautiful hair and teeth. Those things didn't matter. It's sickening what body obsession can do to you.
My spirituality has helped me out a lot. But it's not necessary for all, and I realize that eating disorders are hard to get over. But realize, it can be overcome. I honestly not only plan on continuing ending my purging tomorrow, but for the rest of my life. There are better ways. Temptation is never easy, but support is out there. I've come this far, and so have you. What's stopping us? Hurting ourselves to get there will only leave us hurt in the end. And we're all way too beautiful for that.
Think about this: the people we admire, look up to, the people who inspire us....do we feel this way about them because of their looks? It's usually something they accomplished, something about their hearts...not outside. Our inside beauty is just as important as our outside. In fact, it's way more important.
I'm not purging anymore. It doesn't help. It's all mental. I can do this healthily. And so can you, my friends.
I finally feel free.
I think I am over it.
I'm SO glad you took the time to really think about the reasons you were doing this to yourself and to come to the conclusion that you are so much more than your size. By the way, you're absolutely gorgeous inside AND out! It really warmed my heart to read this post first thing this morning. Congrats! 
