So this may be a little long, and it may be a little scattered but I feel like I have to get it out somewhere and maybe a few of you will be able to relate. Last night I went out for dinner with my mother and my bf, dinner was great and we got to talking about people we've run into. I recently ran into someone I went to school with from preschool to highschool and she had gained quite a bit of weight. My mother has known this girl and her mother since preschool but hasn't seen or heard from them in years.
My mom went on to say, "I've always felt bad for that girl, when she was little it was almost as if her mother was embarrassed to have a little fat girl, like she didn't match her daughter".
Now, this really bothered me, MY mom was embarassed to have a little fat daughter, *I* didn't "match" her. It really bothered me for my mother to have this observation (which may or may not be true) because this is how she felt, even to the point of saying if I lost 20lbs she'd pay me $100, when I was 10!
This made me wonder if this is why I am the way I am now, I feel horrible about the way I look, like i'll never look good enough. Most days I feel like I look fine, good even, sure I could lose some weight but I don't think I'm enormous.
I wonder if my mother started the cylce of me being over aware of the way I look, she was always very concious of being thin and beautiful, and now I'm very concious of being fat. I can't even take a compliment from my bf, if he calls me beautiful or sexy, because I don't FEEL beautiful or sexy. I guess all I can do is take these things with a grain of salt but it made me cry afterwards thinking that I grew up with someone who was somewhat embarassed of my weight, and not "matching" her.
My guess is your mom would not have said it if it applied to you. So she probably did not feel that way. However, even if she did, it is nonsense. Kids certainly do not need to match there parents in any way. LET IT GO. Recognize all your beautiful gloriousness and do not worry about what your mom feels on the subject. Moms are not perfect. Do not expect them to be.
I grew up much the same, as the chunkiest of 4 adopted children I think my mom just had no clue how to handle me. I personally think that I was more of a big kid than a fat kid-I got bigger fast, I had a much larger frame than most other kids, but I was very much a normal, active little girl. My mom, I think, saw this as me being a fat girl and did several things to "fix" it: dragging me to every doctor or nutritionist she could find, packing purposefully "healthy" lunches, limiting everything I ate. I honestly think she made it worse. I have a relatively screwed up relationship with food, and I think it goes back to my childhood. I very much recall all the times when my mom would buy junk for EVERYONE else, and then it was almost flaunted in my face that I couldn't have it. This led to some serious bingeing for me, and some serious issues with hiding food (stealing a bag of doritos from the pantry and consuming them alone in my closet). If my mom had treated me like a normal kid, or even like my brothers and sister, I doubt I would have the binge issues I have now. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but in her fervor to "help" me, she made it a lot worse. Not that I would ever tell her that, it would probably break her heart. But there you go! Parents aren't perfect either, sometimes they make decisions for their children which are downright STUPID. I know it's hard to get over sometimes, but yeah, I would try to let it go if I could. It can only help you to get over it, even if it seems impossible.
This thread really hit home for me. I grew up slim, beautiful, athletic, but for some strange reason, I could never be thin enough for my Mom. She would constantly monitor my food and would even pour water over my meal in a restaurant when SHE felt I was finished. This damaged me, and I really think it had a lot to do with my weight issues for 30+ years. Realizing that I can not change her, or change the past, the only thing I can do is change myself. I have learned to accept her for who she is and that she is damaged too. I choose not to live for her approval anymore. Funny thing is, when I let that go, I was more able to love myself enough to move forward with my own weight goals. Now that I have lost 60 lbs, her reaction the last time I saw her was very revealing. She actually said she was jealous. Weird. A food pusher one minute, repulsed by my fat the next. Yeah, she is the damaged one.
I have three daughters myself and have tried really hard not to do anything that would damage them as far as their weight and self image is concerned. They are beautiful inside and out, no matter what they look like or what the scale says, and I try and tell them that as often as possible.
I hear my voice in your story. Like you, my mother was always very focused on the way she looked and translated that to my sister and I. Growing up in a household where you are the "larger" one is difficult, but once you are out of that situation you need to listen to the voices of the people that love you. Your boyfriend DOES think that you are beautiful and how many people know you much better? Does your weight affect the way your friends feel about you? I assure you that it does not. Don't let anyone break your spirit, including yourself. Just know that you are beautiful and worth every compliment that you have gotten and will receive. Don't let negative thoughts ruin your self-esteem. The number on the scale does not define who you are, how many lives you will make better just by being in them, or what kind of character you will have.
I totally get what you are saying. When I was a kid about 12-14 I would chunk a bit before my growth spurts. I wasn't ever 'fat' and when I was a teenager I was naturally thin/slim. But my mom would start yelling at me telling me that I had to watch what I ate because I was turning into a "two-ton tony", whatever that is. It hurts. Yes, knowing that you mother feels embarrassed or angered by your weight totally can impact how a kid feels about themselves. It know it undermined my confidence for years. I put more stock in appearance that I ever should have. Ballooning to the weight I am now over an 11 year time frame was so hard to deal with emotionally. And my emotional state had devastating effects on my relationship. I am not at the point where I can let all that go. It takes time and conscious effort and many slips but a person can learn to use the negative and make it something positive and reclaim control over their sense of self.
Oh, girl! I can relate to the bribery thing. I distinctly remember being a size 22 in 7th grade and my mom offered me $100 for ever 10lbs I would lose.
I got to 30lbs and she wouldnt pay up. The fact she offered it AND that it worked, both shed much light on exactly how...."suboptimal" my childhood was Issues around food and money replacing love. Issues around approval. Issues around value being derived from looks only as a woman. Oh how they go on, hehe. But hey, we all have issues. At least I know mine and am actively working on them.
Im sure your mom didnt make that comment on purpose to hurt you. But would you be offbase to think a slim mother was ashamed of her fat daughter? Probably not. Sad, but true. Obesity was also very rare back then. Obesity rates have skyrocketed, and 25 years ago when I was in elementary school I was the *only* fat kid. Not in the class, but in my grade or the school.
At any rate. Our parents are human and have issues, just like us. If I reproduce, I am sure I will pass along some trauma to the kid based on my own issues and inadequacies no matter how hard I try to work thru them. We just arent perfect, even though our kids always think we should be.
Try to give yourself and your Mom a break. She loves you and she has likely done the best she could. If you really want to explore the sources of some eating issues, see a therapist
I can relate as well, unfortunately. I also have learned to accept my mother and her flawed idea about weight and weightloss. I realize now that she is a very broken person.
Now that I have reached my goal weight she tells me that I will never weigh as little as she does. I hope not, as she is 3 inches shorter than I am and weighs 108. Honestly though, I wish I could weigh 107 if only for a day, where she would see me. I would look like a skeleton, but it would be worth it, if just for one day. Sick. I know.
When I was at my highest weight, she would constantly make remarks about "fat" people who were no where near as heavy as I was. I finally chickened out and wrote her a letter telling her exactly how much those comments hurt me. She ignored the letter and pretended as though she never got it. But she did stop many of the remarks.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but would just like to say that many of us have similar situations and as one of the previous posters said "you can only change your own behavior". I'm working on it.
Thanks for the replies! I honestly don't expect my Mother to be perfect in any way, shape or form and I definately know that she didn't make that remark to hurt me. Heck, she was just recalling an observation she had. It just struck home because when I was younger we were in the same situation. I know my Mother didn't mean a thing by it but it just triggered some memories and got me thinking about my own perception of self and my body.
I cried afterwards and got over it, I don't hold my Mother to it, it was just disturbing to me how that comment could awaken those emotions in me.This has however made me think more about my childhood in relation to food, and as one poster suggested, maybe going to see a therapist would be helpful.
For me, it wasn't my mom but my dad and my maternal grandmother. My mom has had major weight issues (which is where most of my bad eating habits came from), so she was always very sensitive to the weight issue. My dad, on the other hand, would constantly tell me I needed to lose weight or exercise, etc. My grandma did the food rationing thing and telling me I was fat (My mom dealt with a LOT from her parents growing up as a fat kid, too).
When I was 10, I had some crazy respiratory/sinus infection that made me gag whenever I ate, so I just kind of stopped eating. It went on for about a month, and until they got a diagnosis a month into it, my parents thought it was anorexia or something. It scared my dad so much that he never made another comment again even though I was overweight until college.
No parents are perfect, of course, and I think you're handling it in a healthy way. It's hard to let go of the past and past feelings, and often when we think we've let them go, something like this will pop up and remind us that they are, in fact, not gone. If we keep treating ourselves nicely, though, and doing positive things for our self-images, eventually these feelings will come around less and less frequently even though they may never be completely gone. BTW, you're beautiful in your picture.
And WOW at the mom who poured water over her kid's food in a restaurant...unbelievable.
I didn't know that children were fashion accessories that had to "match" their mothers. Seriously, I am shocked by your mother's statements and attitudes, although having a mother like mine I can relate. Mine would tell me loudly in public that I looked like I was pregnant (when I was 12) and call me lovely names like fat, disgusting pig. Definitely the cause of my severely negative body image these days. Like you, I cannot accept a compliment from anyone. I always feel they are either making fun of me or have ulterior motives.
I would say your mother probably definitely contributed to your feelings of inadequacy. What you are describing is very painful and most people, unless they have experienced it, don't realize how deeply painful it is. I think taking it with a grain of salt is easier said than done, but talking about it openly and frequently and recognizing that she is/was wrong to say those things will help it heal with time. *hugz*
I hope no one minds my dropping in on this thread.
I, too, grew up with a completely disordered view of the "acceptability" of my body--my mother had been damaged by her mother (who probably got it from her mother.) On and on it goes.
I was given an exercise by a therapist once which I'd like to share. The exercise was to get naked and alone with myself--and take my hand and place it on each body part and "thank" it for serving me and say something appreciative. I did it with a soapy washcloth in the bath tub so it wouldn't feel so weird--and it was very powerful.
Some of you may wish to give that a try. You cannot get validation from someone else--by now--the only validation with any meaning has to come from you.
Last edited by Alana in Canada; 08-10-2011 at 12:49 AM.
Finally people who know about this and understand. My mom has always been skinny and movie star pretty, and I turned out ugly. I've always hated myself for it.. I can't help feeling the sentiment "it's so unfair.." My parents started bugging me to lose weight when I was 11, it didn't work of course.. The reason I started gaining weight in the first place was because I got really depressed after their divorce and used food as a way to cope. It was the only "drug" there was when I was 11. I didn't really realize it at the time though. I'll always feel like I'm not good enough for my mother because I'm not pretty enough or social enough. She thinks I'm a total weirdo. She made me go to 3 different therapists because I barely talk. That just made it worse because it confirmed my fears that she thinks I'm weird and wants to "fix" me. Little does she know.. Why do we expect our parents to be perfect? I wish I could objectify and separate myself from the situation, not allow it to bother me, realize she's human and she isn't perfect. Honestly it's impossible.
Ive had problems like this also, and something i worry about is that when i have daughters i never want to make them feel the way my mother made me feel. My mom didn't do it on purpose, she was just projecting her own insecurities, but i worry that if she was somewhat oblivious to how her comments were hurting me, what if i end up doing the same to my daughters?
Struggling with body image
Issues around food and money replacing love. Issues around approval. Issues around value being derived from looks only as a woman. Oh how they go on, hehe. But hey, we all have issues. At least I know mine and am actively working on them.
