This is just a rant, I guess. I need to get it out of my system.
My mother is 82. She's from Greece, and grew up there during WW2. She grew up in poverty and abusive circumstances, and her education was limited. She immigrated to the US 60 years ago and married my dad. Since then, she's led a very comfortable, sheltered life. But she was always a very controling, manipulative woman. And food was her currency.
In February, after 51 years of marriage, my father passed away due to cancer. He was a very mild-mannered man. He let Mom get away with all sorts of behavior, and he took care of everything dealing with money. Mom never had to learn how to participate in caring for herself in American society/culture.
All that responsibility has now fallen mostly on me, since I moved back to help take care of Dad for the last two years. I don't live with Mom, and I don't ever care to have her live with me. Let's just call that self-preservation.
So, I don't do things like Dad used to do. I have slowly been shifting responsibilities back to Mom, because I already have a home, children to raise, a business to run, school to complete, a whole life of my own. Mom is sharp enough, despite her lack of higher education, to take care of the daily things around the house. I take her to medical appointments, my sister does the grocery shopping, we have people do household repairs and the big gardening jobs. Mom actually tends her own vegetable garden and flowers, keeps the house (finally, after firing a series of household help that just wasn't quite perfect enough) and does her own cooking.
Mom gains pleasure and self-worth from feeding people. She's quite reclusive and has "fired" a lot of her old friends and all her siblings, so she behaves quite needy and childish when she hasn't had an opportunity to feed somebody on a regular basis. (She actually thought she was going to save my dad and cure his cancer with her cooking.) I simply can't go over all the time to eat at her house. My sons are teens and they have their own schedule as well. My sister and her family live 40 minutes away and come only once a week. So Mom has taken to creating drama over inane or invented issues (like she broke the sprinkler this week) that always seem like life or death situations to her. This creates such stress for her, she experience stress as pain in her body, and so she either "fasts" to overcome what's ailing her, or she vomits to relieve her stomach tension.
I've known about the fasting for years, and she's done things to purge in the past, but the vomiting is new to me. She loves telling me about it now, hoping to get a rise out of me. I do my very best to not emotionally react to anything she tells me about, because it's a way for her to emotionally get her hooks in me, and I really can't deal with it any more. I'm dealing with my own compulsive overeating issues that she so generously raised me to have!
Her doctor tells us she's in good health, overall. There is, in fact, nothing physically wrong with her. She is, however, on medication for bipolar (FINALLY!) and she's showing improvement there. But I don't quite know what to do about this new stuff. I'm wondering if I should report this to her doctor. I am leaning against it, for now, because it'll just open a new can of worms in my involvement with her. I'll monitor the situation, I guess, and if it gets worse, the doctor will find evidence of it when she goes in to see him. She sees him every two months because of the bipolar meds.
Thanks for "listening". Feel free to respond as you are moved.
Geo, so many things about your post resonated with me. My ex is Greek. I know a lot of Greeks - most of whom are 1st or 2nd generation Americans. The 1 thing they all have in common is that someone in the family acts like someone who suffers from being bi-polar. I guess the other thing they have in common is the family member who drives everyone crazy refuses to get help. I'm so glad your mom did. I'm sorry - that was a broad generalization. I'm Polish, though, and have gone through my fair share of Polish jokes with a grin on my face. So please take it literally - every Greek that I know (not every Greek in the world) has a person in the fam like her mom.
If you have any kind of care taker official power, tell her doc. This vomit thing is a manipulation. Whether it's related to bipolar or not, the doc needs to know to be able to medically find that out and adjust her meds.
If it's not related to the bipolar, it's likely related to her abusive background. Abused people learn from their abusers. It's a survival method. Without counseling, she's likely to behave abusively to manipulate others to get what she wants.
If the doc determines it's this, he can direct or guide her towards counseling.
Either way, find a way to inform the doc.
Good luck and Opah!
Last edited by fitness4life; 05-26-2011 at 02:14 PM.
It definitely sounds like your mother needs something to occupy her time- is there somewhere she can go daily like a "parent daycare" and get picked up each morning and taken home each afternoon? That way she can get out of the house and mingle with people her own age without having you all have to take her around?
I mean if she were younger I'd say if she loves cooking to open up a business where she cooks lunches for people to take to their jobs and then she'd feel productive at least (my husband's grandmother sells desserts she makes but she's 74) and that she's feeding people too.
Honestly I wouldn't hesitate to tell her doctor now what she is doing. At her age stressing her body out will take toll faster than if she were younger.
Well, see, that's part of the problem Bebita. She won't go. She wants to hole up in her house and have everyone come to her doorstep. Both my sister and I have tried taking her out to meet new people. She won't do it. She won't even go to the store. The world is a big, bad place and as long as she's home, she feels safe. She won't even come with me in my car to my house, just two miles away. There are only two places she will agree to go, the doctor and the cemetary. To get her to come to Easter dinner at my sister's house, I had to take her to the cemetary and then hijack her.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Mom's next doctor appointment is in a month and a half. I'll keep an eye on her till then, see if there are any changes, and report to her doctor just before the appointment. She tends to listen to him.
I know she's still grieving, and she's really incredible worried about what other's think about her, so going out to make new friends, going places, smiling - all of that stuff shows she's moving on with her life, and that's a major departure of who she's been all these years. She's worried other old Greeks in town will gossip about her. OMG! They're all old and don't go anywhere either!
The one she really needs to worry about is me, the middle-aged Greek that's so done with her superstitions and paranoias!
I would call her Doctor , now . you can tell him what is going on without him seeing her. As far as not wanting to go out, is she following an old European custom where widows never do anything the rest of their lives except possibly going to church. The other thing that comes to mind , is she showing signs of demetia, Doctor can help you with this.
lol Geo- I say you kidnap all the old greeks and put them together in one place. They can all worry together about what the other one thinks- totally sounds like my mom and her middle eastern friends! My mom always worries about what others think and I'm always like WHO CARES?
I agree with Bargoo- I'd call now- if she's potentially vomiting for a month and a half before she goes that could be bad.
geoblewis, this is for you. You are a member of the sandwich generation, taking care of a parent and children at the same time. But I want to tell you this, as much of a pain your mother is right now , and as much of an inconvenience that she is.....thre will come a time when you will regret that you didn't do more and you will be sorry that you resented the time and worry you spent on your mother. I guarantee it.
I can say that from personal experience that she needs to be helped...but not by a regular doctor. I think if you can get a refferal to a pshycologist it would really help her.
I had bulemia and anorexia for 5 years because of a mentally abusive gma and bf....the thing with eating disorders is that its not about anything but control. Once I recovered from my EDs I found that I have OCD and it was 'probably' what tipped me over.
I dont know for sure though, this is just what happened with me. I hope that things get better though b/c it sounds like you have enough to worry about.
(((hugs)))
Last edited by Ally Michelle; 05-26-2011 at 04:01 PM.
I would call her Doctor , now . you can tell him what is going on without him seeing her. As far as not wanting to go out, is she following an old European custom where widows never do anything the rest of their lives except possibly going to church. The other thing that comes to mind , is she showing signs of demetia, Doctor can help you with this.
I agree 100% Bargoo....I am only 20 and I will always remember my mom being everything for me and my dad and sister hating that they had to pick up the slack around the house.
Its hard now but I wont be forever, if you ever need to rant again or talk to someone im here for you
My half-Greek friend at work jokingly uses that phrase as he stops by my desk for coffee & mournfully tells me what his elderly widowed Greek mother is up to lately. (I loaned him "Middlesex" & he loved it.) He spins great comedy routines about her, but I know the reality is that she makes his life a little harder. All I can tell you is that what you are up against is not solely your own affliction, as the cultural element is strong; that it is an unstoppable force of nature; and that my own mother, who isn't Greek & who is capable of leaving the house (and frequently does) also makes me crazy. We just have to deal with it somehow.
Rant on. Those of us with difficult family members can relate, even if we have very little advice for coping with an immovable object with an obdurate will.
What a tough situation for you to be in and sounds like you are handelling it with grace. Sounds like her not leaving the house is another whole issue as well.
I think my mom's bulemic/anorexic
I'm so glad your mom did. I'm sorry - that was a broad generalization. I'm Polish, though, and have gone through my fair share of Polish jokes with a grin on my face. So please take it literally - every Greek that I know (not every Greek in the world) has a person in the fam like her mom.
