[pixelllate]

Hi everyone. This is the first time I will confess my entire story. I have never been able to tell it before. I used to be around 145-150 pounds (I am very very short). All my life I felt a little big, but it was not until I saw pictures that I realized that wow I was a lot bigger than I realized. I got the college and decided not to have any sugar. After a week or so, I realized that I did not want it anymore. I worked out and had a healthy diet and got down to 108 pounds-a healthy weight for me. My college friends did not really know, because I dropped it SO quickly-maybe because it was a shock to my system. I maintained it for a long time. Then, my sister saw me and told me I looked like a skeleton. No one else thought that and rationally, I knew that I did not. I tried to tell myself that it could have been because she expressed insecurity about her own weight and always insulted slender women, but despite that, it made me feel bad. Over the summer, I lived at home, and gained a few pounds. I was used to just eating at a dining hall and not so near a kitchen. My mother told me that I was getting uglier. I couldn't tell anyone because I felt so ashamed for gaining in the first place. I told my sister and she said that my mother just meant that she was worried about my health, but I knew the truth. My mother insisted on taking me out shoe shopping-for work shoes and kept on repeating to me how much less pretty I got since I gained. I grew so depressed because it felt like all anybody in my fam cared about was my looks and I failed in that area, I kept on eating and gained back ALL that weight…and then some, probably 155. Gosh, I feel like a middle schooler getting kicked around, but I did really feel that vulnerable and I was an adult =(
That was when all those pretty clothes I bought collected dust-this was about 3 years ago and it still feels like a dream when those clothes just fit perfectly and I loved my body-I had really good waist definition, I liked my legs and my face was not so pouffy as it is now. Now I pretty much always wear sweats unless I am working (graduated college a year ago). I know that I can dress alright even at my size, but I just can't do it =( Everyone is convinced that I am the type that does not care about clothes, but I love fashion, unfortunately all the types of clothes that I like were made for the body I had 3 years ago. Since then, I would attempt to diet…and sometimes Id drop a few pounds-my biggest loss was probably 20 lbs, but then I gained 10 back and sat there for MONTHS.
I have been dieting for almost 2 weeks now-I know that this is a forever thing and I am happy to do it. Im so sick of waiting to go home so that i can dive into Nutella.
Since I had experience in losing weight, I am good at counting calories, but I am not dropping weight and its freaking me out. I wonder if I really effed up my metabolism from the junk food, or what. 1200 worked for me before-now I eat around 1300-1400. I really want to lose weight and have my "old body" back.
ahh I've never told anyone this before, I'm about to cry lol =(

[NEMom]

I am sending you cyber hugs. I am so sorry you have had such a rough time. Shame on your mom for making such a big deal about your weight and making you feel so bad about yourself.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep tracking those calories and working out. The weight will come off maybe not as fast as before but it will come off.
Best of luck on a journey to a healthier you!!!

[High Heels]

I am sending you hugs too. I have a VERY similar family dynamic and Mom is definitley my harshest critic. It really does an awful number on your self-esteem!

I completely understand how you feel - I often feel the same way too! But, I'm starting to realize that I am in charge of my own happiness and nobody has the right to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Sure, the criticism hurts and I have to work really hard not to wallow in it. I've come to view the negative comments as "shallow" - and I'm not a shallow person so I need to rise above it. I can't be the victim any longer. It's not easy, and it's still a work in progress, but this small shift in mindset in helping me move forward in my weight loss journey and I feel a little more empowered.

I hope this helps. Sending hugs.

[Lexxiss]

Welcome! Come here everyday...there is lots of support and you'll find you will start to feel better.

Take care!

[Sunshine87]

Thank you for sharing your story. You are in a good place because you have lost (and maintained) the weight before, so you know that you can do it. I am also just out of college and I too, understand the fashion thing. I would LOVE to dress up with super-cute clothes and accessories but my body is not compatible with most of the fashionable clothing. For three years I wore only black t-shirts because I was so self-conscious of my body (I have since broken that habit). Try to purchase something that is compatible with your shape now (cardigans are my go-to) and slowly move toward the clothes that you would really like to wear.
There are so many other women out there that feel the same way. I have been finding these forums so inspirational. You are not alone!

[QuillysQuest]

Sometimes the harsh words of the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally can hurt worse than anything at all that strangers could say to you. When I was growing up my family, particularly my step-monster and her two daughters, would say horrible things to me constantly about the way that I looked. I was only nine when they started telling me I was fat, and now when I look back at pictures of me around that time, it looks to me like I still had some baby pudge that hadn't completely disappeared yet, but I didn't look unhealthy or in any way big enough to have them pointing it out to me.

Worst thing was that the girls spread it around school too, so everybody I knew jumped on the bandwagon of making fun of me for being fat before I even was. By the time I hit 12 or 13 and my body started to develop, I grew into my "fat" very nicely. So nicely that most of the girls were jealous because the boys were looking at me more than them.

From the time I was 12 to the time when I was 16, I had the perfect figure. Not super thin, but curvy in all the right places. Yet, the insults from my family were constant. They never stopped telling me how unattractive I was and how I'd never be able to find a husband and how I'd fail at everything I did if I couldn't get my weight "under control".

I don't know what happened at 16 really, but somehow I started gaining a ton of weight. I became exactly what they always told me I was, and it felt kinda right, ya know? Like Oh, ok, now I see what they are seeing! Or something.

I have tried many times to lose the weight again, but the most I've been able to lose in the past was about 25 lbs, which I've kept off, but I haven't been able to go lower.

But now I've moved as far away from my family as possible. I'm on the other side of the world now! lol And I'm starting again to work on my weight, but not to please anybody else, not to live up to some standard that they have chosen to set for themselves, but for me. I know that sounds cliche' but I honestly think that it's time I stopped buying in to what those people and their bizarre impressions of me have told me about myself and start living like the person that /I/ want to be.

Ok, sorry for kinda hi-jacking your thread here, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in being told horrible things about yourself by the people closest to you.

You can do this and get back into those happy clothes again, but not for them, not to show them, but just because it will make YOU happier.

/hugs!
You aren't alone! You're among friends here!