I don't wake up each morning and think "Today is going to be another day I won't get through without binging." I am always tentatively hopeful. I always have decent intentions... yet nearly every single day since the holidays, I have completely lost the battle with myself and lost control by the end of the day.
I had lost 80 pounds and had pretty much maintained it for about 2 years. I never was happy though, I guess that might be part of the problem. I've always had a lot of issues with depression (diagnosed bipolar to be more specific) and addiction, and the whole maintaining thing was like this horrible up and down ride that I could not get off of. White knuckled, holding onto my seat, unable to concentrate on anything but the ride. I grew obsessed with food, and simultaneously terrified of gaining any of my weight back, lest I fall off the ride and end up back in the midst of obesity. So I spent about 70% of the time thinking about food and 20% of the time thinking about my weight, my body, exercise, etc., and the other 10% of the time thinking about how miserable and pathetic I was.
Eventually, I had to see a nutritionist because my weight dropped too low (about 97 pounds at the time, bodyfat was measured to be around 8%), and I was constantly urged to gain weight. And I mostly resisted, and my weight dropped to about 92 pounds before I finally gave in. I hadn't gotten my period in a year and a half, and I knew I didn't look healthy... so I tried to just give myself slack on certain things, an extra helping of rice at dinner, an extra protein with breakfast, etc..
And then the holidays came. And in my mindset of "Well, I really do need to gain a little bit of weight anyway," I ended up completely falling (head first) off of the ride. After being obsessed with food and denying it to myself for so long, I went out of control. I started eating things I had given up, grazing on snacks throughout the day instead of waiting until meal time, completely not counting calories at all, and then I started all out binging at night. I've been gaining about half a pound a day since then.
Now, I have gone from underweight to overweight again, and I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin (especially since none of my clothes fit anymore and I can't find any that do because most of the weight went to my stomach and everything is so unflattering). I don't even want to go outside, to be seen.. by anybody. Especially people that haven't seen me since I was thin, which was only a few months ago so that's mostly everybody. I even went on a trip to Australia that I had been planning for ages and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was still binging and increasingly ashamed of myself, my eating habits, and my body. I have COUNTLESS TIMES told myself, this is it, I can lose the weight, I've done it before, let's start today... but something just feels different this time. I feel like something in me has just snapped. I feel like... I'm miserable now, I was miserable when I was thin, I can't remember the last time I was happy, so what's the point? At least I can temporarily feel better with food... and that ends up winning out each time. I've lost interest in all other activities, especially now that all I can concentrate on is how much weight I have gained and how physically uncomfortable I am.
I've tried going cold turkey (as in, switching back to what I consider a "perfect diet" or as close as I can get), and I've tried easing back into it (slowly cutting back on my binges and switching out for healthier foods). I've thrown away my binge foods and ended up just buying them again, which is certainly a waste of money and food..
I feel like I've dug myself into the bottom of this hole, and there's no ladder, no rope, nothing to help me get out, and I'm just trying to scramble up the sides only to fall on my butt again. I can't stop crying, all I want to do is lay in bed, or eat to numb the pain and anxiety. And I still haven't even gotten my period back.
I don't know what I wanted to get out of this... I mean it would be great if anybody had some input. After so many times of "starting over," it is just so hard to muster up the motivation because it all just feels so hopeless now. Thank you for listening anyway... I don't think anybody else in my life could understand, and I'm too ashamed to talk about it anyway.
I don't know what to say but I feel like I want to say something. I can't even imagine your pain and I really hope you can find a balance between binging and not allowing yourself anything at all. Are you in any therapy specifically for your food issues or maybe it would help to have a sponsor or someone you can call whenever you feel like binging (or after you have binged if you don't catch yourself until it's too late).
I'm so sorry you feel stuck in the binge cycle. It feels so hopeless and so terrible to feel like you are starting over every day, and my heart goes out to you. I have never been underweight or even close, but I did get to a point where literally all I thought about was weight, weight loss, calories, plans, etc. and all the stress about it led me to binging. I think restriction-binge is a natural progression, albeit a very scary and very unfortunate one.
I'm obviously not a doctor or anything but I think for you, reining in control over what you eat and getting out of the disordered mindset should take priority over weight loss. Many of us here are working on the same mental and physical issues.
I'm about a week binge free and my stomach bloat has subsided and my clothes fit much better. It's amazing what just a few days of non-binge eating can do. I've been eating (reasonable portions of) ice cream and some rich foods all week yet my body has been stabilizing and my face bloat has completely deflated.
A few websites and blogs I've been reading that gave me a lot of hope:
All the authors of these blogs are recovered ED sufferers and there are many, many links to other/related blogs.
Wishing you all the best. If you need to talk to someone about this, feel free to PM me. I'm in Japan so I'm 15 hours into the future from you but I log on every day. This is tough stuff, but you won't be suffering forever.
I really don't have too much advice, because I pretty much completely related to your post. I have had an eating disorder since childhood and I'm in college, struggling to rid myself of unwanted binges and weight gain. I too, put on over 50+ lbs after recovering from anorexia and promptly started bingeing in panic. It's a terrible cycle. Anyway, I understand your depression and sadness. I haven't given up hope, though. Each day to me is a goal - many times I fail, but I keep going. It really helps me to keep a food journal, to be accountable. And I"m not allowed to exercise too much - I used to be obsessive about it - but I walk every day. And now that it's getting nicer out, it's really wonderful to be outside. I feel so alive and thankful for my body when I do that. But don't give up hope...I keep falling more times than I can count (I officially started recovery 3 years ago and still am struggling)...but I keep getting up, to face each day. I know it feels hopeless, but one day I have faith I can face food again with confidence. I have one book that I really liked: Life Without ED by Jenni Schaefer. It was really helpful for me; I hope it could be for you.
But keep getting up every day. It will make you stronger.
I really hope you start to feel better....your story breaks my heart......im so sorry that your depressed but just keep your chin up sweetie...things will get better!
Thank you so much guys for your support and advice!! I always at least end up feeling a little less pathetic and alienated when I come back to this forum because people on here understand so much better even if you're not dealing with exactly the same things.
I binged again last night... And again, I told myself it would be the last time. And again, today I am starting over... and this is exhausting.
JadestoneDoll: I don't have anybody to talk to specifically about my eating issues.. I started seeing a new therapist a couple months ago, but then I haven't made an appointment since I got back to the USA. I even don't want HIM to see me, since I've gained nearly 20 pounds since I saw him last. I know that's irrational, my therapist is not going to judge me, but the thought is still there. My sister is coming to visit today for a few days or so. I can try talking to her, and also make an appointment with my therapist after she leaves.
krampus: Congratulations on a week binge free! I hope with all my heart that I can reach that milestone a week from now... It would mean so much. I'm glad to hear that it didn't take too long to feel physically better. I can't help thinking that SOME of my sluggishness and depression are actually caused by the binging itself and not the ensuing weight gain and hopelessness. You have a point, it is probably a lot more important to focus on my disordered eating habits and developing a healthier outlook, then just focusing on re-losing the weight, because then I will probably just end up back in a similar position again. It's just hard when you've been obsessed with weight loss for so long and so many people know you as being really thin and health conscious (even though it was never really about health for me). I want to lose at least some of the weight before I see a lot of my family and friends again, but that is probably not realistic or healthy. Blaggh! I'll give it some thought.
racrane: I wasn't allowed to exercise much when I was recovering from anorexia, but I didn't think about limiting it now. Might be a good idea for a while. It's hard to be at the gym anyway, with all of those mirrors on every wall and big doctor-type scales that I can't resist weighing myself on. Maybe taking daily walks would be the way to go for now. My trouble is that I see even a nice walk outside as mostly just exercise, and calories burned. And then I start those horrid calculations... "Yay I just burned 300 calories, only 139,700 calories to go..." And then I just feel hopeless again. Like, at that rate, it'll take me a year to lose the weight again. I have actually read that book, Life without ED, and it is great! Maybe I should give it another read now. Thank you
oklahomachick26: Thanks for the encouragement and hug
Teff - It's way easier to say "stop focusing on weight" than it is to actually do it, and I can relate. I feel an unreasonable amount of anxiety about seeing people because they've seen me thinner. Realistically I know I could look like Rosie O'Donnell on a bad day and they wouldn't care at all, but it's all in my head and I feel like I'm disappointing or letting them down by being heavier than my thinnest - which is STUPID and IRRATIONAL but that's how the cookie crumbles.
Take things one day at a time. Even a smaller binge or a day of overeating but not full-on binging is an improvement. In my case the sluggishness and depression has been lifted a huge deal since I stopped binging, though it's far from gone. My mental dialogue has gone from "I'm fat and I have a binge eating problem" to just "I'm fat" and some days, some wonderful days, "I think I look pretty awesome today." I live for the good days and hope there will be many, with more frequency, in my future.
Keep fighting the good fight! We're all here for you.
Thanks krampus I really appreciate your encouragement!! Yesterday was actually my first binge free day in quite some time. I know that slip ups may happen, and I'm going to tryyyy try try to take it a day at a time and not ALWAYS let one slip lead to a full on binge.
To be honest, lately when I have been binging, the most I could aim for was to stop before I felt like I was going to throw up. Sad, but at least that technically meant an improvement?
I can't wait until I have a day where I can look in the mirror again and think I look awesome. Thank you for giving me hope <3 I feel like I'm letting everybody down too, or that they think less of me, but at least we know it's irrational! I'm going to keep fighting. Hope to keep in touch
Something has to change :(
